The Perfect Balance - How To

[zenproof]

I'd love to hear some advice from you mamas on how you achieve the right balance of whats best for baby, and whats best for mama or even 'the family'?

This is my first child. At about 4months we are getting in to the thick of sorting out some kind of nap routine. I find that most days I feel tethered to the house in order to provide the consistency and familiar environment for him to get that good sleep. Everything I have read talks about the importance of sleep and quality sleep at that. I get it. But I can't stop thinking that when #2 comes along i will not have the luxary of time to obsess over where and when he/she gets his/her naps with the activities and goings on of the rest of the family and a toddler.

I realize that I have made the choice to become a mother - and my priority is the wellbeing of my child (hands down) - but how do I strike the balance of having any sort of a life outside of the home - with the needs of this growing babe?

I find I am constantly turning down things that would take us out of the house if they conflict with a nap time - and i dont' want my life dictated by a nap schedule!!

How do you all find the balance?? And what does that look like for you? I feel like #2 just has to go with the flow - whereas #1 - we obsess over the consequence of every decision!

ack. lets discuss...

[lthw]

nak.
I don't know if you'll find this helpful, but here goes. With dd (child #1), I was all about trying to *figure out* her sleep. How to get her to sleep, where she slept, how much she slept, when to get her into a crib, how to get her back into the crib when she woke numerous times per night, and on and on. I read every sleep book. I did sleep logs. There was no balance. I was not a happy mama. I feared having #2. BUT. With ds, who was born last summer, I literally do not watch the clock. He seems to like to sleep during the day every 90 minutes or so. He seems to wake to nurse at night quite a bit. This time I just keep him in bed with me and roll over to nurse. I don't bother w the crib. I can't really keep track and don't want to, because that allows me to be more present and attentive to what he needs in the moment as opposed to what the schedule looks like that day. Plus, his needs so often get sacrificed to what dd's needs are that I just can't pay too much attention to it. Here is the key to it all for me this time around: babywearing. Sling, mobywrap, mei tai, etc. It keeps my hands free, allows my husband to *reliably* put the baby to sleep ( so i can go out for a couple hours with a friend or to a meeting) and for me, when i'm wearing him, to ignore the clock and attend to my own needs or dd's or dh's -- All the while, ds's needs are implicitly getting met because he's close to me. this time around, i have peace and balance and i can honestly say i am present for my child. this time, i am enjoying my dc's babyhood.
good luck, feel free to pm me.
L

[sunflwrmoonbeam]

Babywearing helps a lot, as does something resembling a routine. From 2-5 months Evie would nap every 1.5-2 hours, consistently. We'd be up at 8, nap at 10:30, up at 11:15, nap at 1, and so on. I'd take her out right after her naps. Often, we'd go on walks around the neighborhood and she'd fall asleep in the wrap.

It's a bit harder now that she's mobile, napping less, and wanting to play more, but we have pretty much the same thing going. Every now and then she has bad days and requires more attention. Also, I'll go out a few nights a week to get some space and DH will stay with her.

[kismetbaby]

I am totally there with you zen!!! Just this weekend I have been feeling frustrated (and then feeling guilty for feeling frustrated! ) about this same thing. And I too constantly think about #2 (waaayyyy ahead of myself there) and how will it be different or how would I be able to have a new one and a toddler, etc.

Seems like just the past couple weeks (since he turned 3 months old I believe) he has gone from having no schedule and just sleeping and eating whenever and where-ever to falling into a routine. And I love that he is finding this rhythm for himself and I myself like predictability. . .the problem is (just like you zen) that this routine ties me to the house!!! I feel like my only window to be out in the world is between the morning nap and the afternoon nap. After the afternoon nap, its already dark and I need to think about cooking dinner etc. And to make it even more frustrating, he wants me to be in bed with him when he is napping. (He 9 times out of 10 wakes up when I leave bed or lay him down.) I love snuggling him, but I can't spend 4 hours a day in bed! Then I have no time to do anything for myself or I feel guilty for doing my own stuff when he is awake and I should be playing/holding/loving on him. Argh.

I so want to do what's right/best for him, but I can't spend so much time being annoyed that I have no time for myself and/or don't get out of the house. Today I felt excited b/c DH is home and I got to go to the grocery store alone! How sad is that?

Okay. . .so no advice, but just to second the original post. I'll be looking back here for responses myself!

[red and lulu]

i think about this a lot, too. dd isn't on a schedule, and hasn't been since she was born. and while she is a healthy, happy, thriving baby (and i suspect she is getting what she needs), my insecure novice mommy self hears things about how important quality sleep is and worries that she's not getting it, that maybe i'm too relaxed?... some days she only cat naps, in 5 to 40 minute stretches. other days she takes three solid 2 hour naps. it doesn't usually matter where she is or what we're doing. and so, i go about the day and try to run with it if she sleeps, and shrug it off if she doesn't. it seems like the only way i can take care of her all day without losing my mind, because of instead of getting stressed out that "oh no it's x o'clock and she's not sleeping!" we just do what we're doing and if she falls asleep i try to make sure she stays that way... i just try to go with the flow...

baby's needs gladly come first, and mine come second, but i'm not doing anyone a favor by stringing myself out. if i need 5 minutes i ask for it. if dp is around i take advantage and go for a walk with a friend or take a really long shower or let him take dd for a walk while i do some work... and i try to relish each minute, be really present, consciously appreciate the "me" time. it's not a fool proof plan, but it's all i've figured out so far.

[mckittre]

I second the "wear the baby" suggestion. My 11 month old still gets some of his best naps on our walks, and it was even more true when he was younger. Going out of the house or doing things are not incompatible with naptime if you wear the baby for some naps. I pretty much go out whenever I want to - baby comes with, and it all works fine (even occasionally waking him up if neccessary). My baby was never good at sleeping by himself, but he wasn't very scheduled either. He has only started to have a more regular bedtime in the last few weeks, and he's nearly 1!

[MamaPhD]

Some ideas...
1) Does your baby sleep in the car? We usually let her sleep at least 30 minutes in the car. So if we are going somewhere around her naptime, we leave 30 minutes before (or sometimes 45 min), even if the restaurant is 15 minutes away. Drive around a bit. By the time you arrive, baby will be refreshed and ready face the world.

2) Yes, do wear your baby. When we go shopping, for example, I will put her in stroller during her "awake" time to browse. When her nap time is coming up and I'm not ready to go home, put her in Ergo. She will usually fall asleep, then I continue browsing. We both get our tasks done!

3) Do mom & baby activities. We do yoga but there are activities that are geared toward a new mom & baby together. Our yoga has a built in relaxing/nursing/nap time in it, for example. You can also meet other moms/babies. A great excuse to go out!

4) Relax. At 4 months, your baby is taking several naps a day, right? It's really OK to have one short one or miss one. Baby will be OK! This becomes more true as they get a little older. My DD is 13 mo, and sometimes, I have made her miss her nap and/or interfered with bedtime. Sorry, baby, but you will be fine! Also, I don't think babies get a lesser quality nap when they don't sleep at home.

5) Take advantage of the down time! Do something you enjoy!

Go ahead and make exceptions. When I had a friend visiting from NY (we are in CA), we could only meet after 7pm due to scheduling so I did bring my DD (then 6mo) with me, even though we NEVER go out that late. Sure she was tired that night, but totally OK by morning, and I got to see my friend at our favorite museum! We relaxed at home the day after for DD.

Lastly, here's something you can look forward to (or not). My DD is about to transition from 2naps to 1 nap per day! And when she only does 1 nap, I'm always like "Oh, god, please no, I'm not ready for that, please let her take more naps!" That is a whole another beast when your baby is awake the whole day, too!

[GoBecGo]

I was relatively (by MDC standards) harsh as a mummy i think. I wore DD every day and most of her naps were in the wrap if we were out. If we were in the house i'd put her down for a nap when she seemed sleepy. I did have a strict routine for bedtime (6.30pm bath, 7pm story/songs, then BF then bed) every night from about 5 or 6 weeks. It worked for us. The rest of her naps i basically let happen wherever i was. I found she got incredibly good quality sleep in the wrap against my chest even in very noisy surroundings (and why wouldn't she?). She generally slept about 10am-11am and 1.30pm-3pm until she was about 14 months, when she dropped the afternoon nap and made the morning one longer (was silly to me, she got up at 7am and was asleep by 9am! i ended up slowly shunting it forward as we were missing so many toddler groups and such due to her napping then...) and if i was staying in she had her naps in her cot, if i was going out she had them in the wrap, if we were at a friends she had them on a bed or sofa or in the wrap depending on what i was doing. Later on i used a stroller/jogger sometimes. For a long time she slept during my post-lunch run 1pm-2pm in the babyjogger. That worked great for me!

She hasn't napped for ages now, our bedtime routine still does the business. I seriously object to massive daily inconvenience for baby/kid's sake unless it cannot be avoided. I regard her as an equal member of the family, not a premier member.

[haydn'smommy]

I was obsessed with my first. Had to be home for that morning and early afternoon nap at the very least. It was taxing. This time I'm more laid back. He sleeps when he sleeps. Sometimes it's in a carrier as I do what I need to do, sometimes it's in the car when we are running errands, sometimes it's in his swing at home, and sometimes it's on the couch with me. My 2yr old needs a nap around 1 so we usually try to be home for that and if baby needs to sleep then, great! But I just live my life and stop trying to schedule the bejesus out of their days. It's working well for us this time and everyone is more happy and relaxed.

[ann_of_loxley]

1). Sling. Good one...or two... (or three...or 25 in my case! lmao). ALL your baby's needs can get met then and you can still - for the most part - get your needs met to. Be this making sure the laundry is done or reading a book or getting out of the house to go shopping or baking a cake!... There really isn't anything you can't do with a baby in a sling. They can feed there, nap there, get all that good physical contact and you can get on with things with your hands free. My son was good at napping anywhere. In the sling or not. And babies can sleep anywhere. Letting them sleep anywhere isn't being 'disrespectful' either. They are designed to be highly portable lol.

2). A close friend or two or there (I don't actually have 25 of these lmao). Preferably a friend who also chooses to parent in a similar way to you (or highly respects your way of parenting that would uphold it as much as possible) so you have that kind of support. And this may be taboo in our society, but its time it stopped because its also super handy to have a breastfeeding friend who can also meet this need of your baby/child. Need to take your driving test?...night out with DH?...hanv't had a wink of sleep in over a week and just need at least one good night sleep before your brain rots?... Not a problem! You can rest easy and know that your baby is still getting all their needs met. No need for anyone to miss out then!

We are not child-centred. We are family centred. Everyones needs get met here and if things are not working, then we come up with consensual solutions that do work. I feel these two things are very important, in todays world that we live in, for this to happen. We may not live in a tribe, but we can certainly make our own little 'communities' because parenting alone is just hard work and imo - not possible if you want the best outcome for everyone.

[lolar2]

Some babies are more sensitive to lack of sleep, and/ or have more trouble sleeping, than others. It won't cause the baby permanent damage to experiment a bit now and then for exceptional circumstances, though.

ETA: In our case, once DS did get on a regular schedule, it actually was freeing because he was somewhat predictable. The 4-6 months time is hard though, because they are usually starting to drop one of their naps at that time.

[kamane18]

With DD I was more rigid about her naps and bedtime. I didn't necessarily care "where" they happened (sometimes in my bed, sometimes her crib or the stroller) but that they happened within a pretty tight timeframe. But that was partly because it fit her personality well - she did NOT do well with missing a nap or only catnaps or too late a bedtime.

Luckily DS is different and goes with the flow. Which he has to because I'm constantly running around - dropping/picking up DD at Pre-K, errands, my life, DDs' activities, etc. He generally naps twice a day at this point and I "try" to have one of those naps be at home. But even that isn't always possible. He will sleep on the run still - just not for as long. But even then he finds a way to catch a quick third nap/catnap if he needs one and adjusts well the nights he has a later bedtime too. At first I stressed over whether he was getting enough quality sleep but now we're just enjoying being more relaxed about it and we are all thriving!

[mamazee]

Different babies need different things to get quality sleep. My first would sleep very well and happily absolutely anywhere, in a sling, in a stroller, in my arms, in bed, wherever. My second, though, really has to be home to sleep well. So based on my experience I think some babies really do need you to stay home for their naps, but not all do. When my baby is happy to sleep in bed, that's work time, but when she needs to be held to sleep, that's my TV time, and it's the only time I watch TV so there's usually something Tivo'd that I want to see. I just go with it. You are tethered to home for a bit but really it doesn't last as long as it feels like when you're in the thick of it.

[zenproof]

ugh. i wish my son liked carriers/slings. he only seems to like front carry in the Bjorn. thats about it. i have made a maya wrap and a moby. not so interested...

the hotslings i can't figure out and the last i tried him in it he was MISERABLE.

[GoBecGo]

Originally Posted by zenproof

ugh. i wish my son liked carriers/slings. he only seems to like front carry in the Bjorn. thats about it. i have made a maya wrap and a moby. not so interested...

the hotslings i can't figure out and the last i tried him in it he was MISERABLE.

Persevere. Seriously, keep trying. My DD was carried daily in the wrap from day 5 and it was day 14 or so before she began to really "like it". Yes, she cried and fretted and seemed to struggle and not love it, and yes, i'm afraid i soothed her but kept trying. The reason being there was no way i could see my life "working" if she wasn't able to be worn.

My reasoning is this - imagine you were living in rural africa and your baby didn't like the sling - what's the alternative? You MUST work and/or garden to support your family, you MUST keep your baby with you as you couldn't FF at childcare even you wanted to, you have no stroller and if you did there are no roads to push it along, there are dangerous enough animals about that even on the ground quite nearby would be a substantial risk. The baby, therefore, MUST be carried somehow. The same goes for many many other cultures on this planet. Try to think how you can deal with babe's transition into accepting/liking babywearing, rather than whether or not they like it immediately or not - i think of it like BFing. No-one i have ever met has said they will TRY to FF. LOTS of women try to BF (and some try but fail, and some try damn hard and fail, and i'm not talking about their successes only about the attitude of "i will" versus "i'll try"). Don't try baby-wearing, just decide you will and find a way to make it work.

I do realise that some disabilities and physical deformities are such that babywearing would not be safe or comfortable for either baby or parent, i post this advice in support of people finding a way through when the issue is one of unfamiliarity/inexperience/etc. I know i found my DD MUCH happier in the wrap when i fastened it so tight i was initially concerned about her welfare - i had to learn that she didn't like to dangle and wouldn't suffocate.

Please do ignore me if you feel this advice doesn't fit!

[Super~Single~Mama]

Since he doesn't like the slings you have, can you go to a babywearing store and try on everything in the store until something works? The sales people might also be able to give you some pointers on what you have already so that you don't need to buy anything new.

4months is tough! The good news is, 4months doesn't last very long!

How big is your 4mo? My little man was a bit bigger than average, so by the time he was 4mo he LOVED the Ergo - but hated everything else babywearing wise. Try putting your LO in a sling when he's freshly changed, just woken up from a nap, and in a really really really good mood - that helps with the initial transition.

Also, I had trouble with the hotsling too at first, but it ended up saving my behind a few times - watch the online instructions!!!! They are SO HELPFUL!!!! And then keep trying. Really, my man hated the hotsling so much, and then one day he was cranky and fussy to no end - I popped him in the Hostling as a last resort and he instantly fell asleep. I mean put his head down and was out cold. It was really funny since up till that time he hated it.

And, if nothing works, just know that a 4mo doesn't stay a 4mo for very long! New, different, more fun stages are coming right up!!

[kismetbaby]

I wish my shoulders/back/neck liked baby wearing more! I'd happily carry DS all day, but he is already 17lbs at 3.5 months and my back cannot take it. He was carried/worn constantly the first six weeks of his life, but we have had to find other solutions since he started to get really heavy. So this makes errand running really hard for me! I feel totally dependent on the stroller--luckily we live someplace where I can walk to a lot of things and feel (almost) like a part of regular society.

The Bjorn doesn't work at all since all the weight is on the shoulders. The Moby wrap is pretty good, although kinda of a pain to get in and out of. And the Ergo, I just can't seem to make it comfy for either of us. . .he's too big for the infant insert, but not big enough without it maybe?

Anyone have any baby wearing advice for big babes? Not to hijack this thread though. I am loving hearing everyone's thoughts on balance. . .I think that's always gonna be the hard thing now as a parent.

[texmati]

I wish I could tell you! DH and I are terrified to take DS out of the house. The only way I schedule anything is if I can leave DS at home, or have someone come out and help me.

Is a mother's helper possible for you? I think some babies are just more portable than others.

I keep repeating to myself: "God gives the easy babies to second time mothers".

[gbutterflykissesm]

I found that up until about 6 months or so, I could go anywhere and bring DS everywhere. He loved the stimulation and slept so much better at night when he had a full day of playdates, beach, parks, etc. But he just was never a good napper. But if he's cranky at home and won't nap, at least I know that I can bring him out and about and he will rejuvenate for a little while. Will your DS sleep in a stroller? Can you go on park playdates and put him in the stroller or swing with him if he gets tired while you're out?

Honestly, for me, since he's already a crappy napper, I just don't worry about the days. But I do stay home every night, for the most part. I don't want to mess with his night sleeping, so I'm pretty much a stickler for his going to bed on time and want to be there to nurse him if he wakes up a few hours after going to bed.

[zenproof]

shoot - hes TOTALLY portable. he will sleep anywhere. In the car...carrier (bjorn) etc...its not that. Its just not the 'structured' nap the books talk about.

i don't worry about taking him out of the house AT ALL, and have been doing so right out of the gate. It's especially nice now that he's getting more used to the carseat and doesn't WAIL every time when the car stops. thank god thats over with.