2.5 year old says he wants people to "be sad"

[mrsdocmartin]

Usually it is when I am trying to help him empathize with others and I don't know how to best proceed. For example "Quinn, when you don't share your toys it makes Owen feel sad." "Quinn wants Owen to feel sad." Or, when DH comes home from work and DS is in a bad mood, he'll say "Daddy go back to work", I'll say "Quinn, when you say that, it makes Daddy feel sad." Again, "Quinn wants Daddy to feel sad". How should I respond? Thoughts?

[LianneM]

I went through that with my son - it is really hard, because it triggers fear and sad feelings in us! I just took a deep breath and let it go, and stopped talking directly to him about it, but rather modeled behavior for him:

Apologize to the child who was hurt (not for your son, but from you - I'm sure you are sorry your son hurt the other child, so you can apologize to him).

Tell daddy you're happy he's home and don't make a big deal of it for now with your son.

I think many times it's great to point out the effects of our kids' words and actions, but other times they aren't in a place to receive it and that's ok. It makes sense, really - if he is in the place to say or do something hurtful, he's probably not in the place where he can actually think logically or learn from it. You can talk about it later when things are calm and you are connected, and he is able to receive it.

HTH some

OH I wanted to add that we had a different spin on it with the new baby - a couple of times DS actually hurt DD and when I asked him why he said he wanted to hear her cry. Oh my, talk about mama bear coming out in me! I was so upset! In cases like that, where there was intentional hurt (even though I really don't believe he WANTS her to be hurt, he did hurt her on purpose) I will also tell the other child that I'm sorry they were hurt and that it was not right that the other child hurt them, that that is not how we treat people and that should not have happened to her. That type of thing, validating sad/upset feelings as well as the physical hurt.

[Vancouver Mommy]

I think 2.5 is too young to expect compassion for the feelings of others. At that age they are still completely concerned with their own needs and a bit sociopathic (in a nice way, of course). I would suggest you continue to model compassion and empathy for others when they are hurt or sad. He will pick it up in time.

[Thalia]

I think he was just being honest. Isn't that why we all say hurtful things occasionally, because on some level we WANT to hurt them? Even if we also love them very much?

He's pretty little and I think empathy and compassion aren't fully developed in a 2.5 year old. I might ask him a few questions about it: Why do you want Owen to feel sad? How do you feel when someone makes YOU sad?

Or I might just let it go for now.

[Grace and Granola]

Just for some perspective, I have two boys, 3 and 4.5. My 4.5 yo is a very sweet and fun loving kid, but he is just now starting to display genuine empathy if his brother is sad or even if he hurts his younger brother. We went through similar frustrations at a younger age when I was trying to force the issue. They seem so smart and "mature" and like they are turning into big kids at that age, but really it's just not how they're wired. Now I have seen little girls show genuine care and empathy at a young age.

I would do as a pp suggested. When the sibling/friend is hurt or has hurt feelings, direct your attention to the "victim" and show care and empathy yourself. Your ds will model that eventually.

[mrsdocmartin]

Thanks mamas. You are all totally validating what seemed true to me, but I wanted to be sure I am handling this in the best way.

[simplycrunchy]

What a relief to read this- my dd (2 1/2) has been getting very aggressive with our dogs- hitting and pulling their tails. We intervene and talk about it each time, but she's gotten to the point where she says "I want to hurt them, I don't like them." It makes me feel good to know that it is normal for kids to go through this and that I don't need to over talk it with her- just keep modeling how to treat them.

The other thing that this thread got me to thinking is that dd is really sensitive and loves to make people feel good. I wonder if sometimes realizing that their actions have a direct impact on others is just too pressure much for them. I know for me, sometimes I feel stressed out because my mood/actions impact the family so much. I can only imagine how much more it would stress out a toddler. Does that make sense? Not that I think we should never discuss how a child's actions affect others. Argh, balance is so hard.

[flower01]

My DD says this too. About herself and others. Sometimes, when she is upset about something and we are trying to help her so that she stops whining or crying, she'll say very emphatically "I WANT to be sad." Ok, then. Be sad.
When DS was born and she would do things to hurt him, she would also say that she wanted to hurt him. We would just talk honestly about how feelings and how we are to treat others.

[mommyshoppinghabit]

Originally Posted by mrsdocmartin

Usually it is when I am trying to help him empathize with others and I don't know how to best proceed. For example "Quinn, when you don't share your toys it makes Owen feel sad." "Quinn wants Owen to feel sad." Or, when DH comes home from work and DS is in a bad mood, he'll say "Daddy go back to work", I'll say "Quinn, when you say that, it makes Daddy feel sad." Again, "Quinn wants Daddy to feel sad". How should I respond? Thoughts?

This sounds exactly, EXACTLY like my 4 year old. No advice, just thought I'd chime in.