"Mommy you're selfish and don't think of anyone except yourself!"

[Surfacing]

This is SO TOTALLY untrue. But this is dd1 in the midst of her dramatics.

We've all had cabin fever because of the winter, she's bored. I am pregnant, dh and I both work FT, I am tired. Occassionally I have a super woman day and do a ton with the kids, today I stayed home from work in a nightgown all day because I wasn't feeling well at all. Yesterday we had a bday party for dd2, I cooked and cleaned, hosted, then went shopping for our family. Came home and crashed and vegged out for the rest of the night.

Dd1 asked me to make jello with her today. Things are turning my stomach, I said I'm sorry, I'm just not feeling up to it tonight. We were drawing pictures together ("Mommy, would you draw a sun bed here and a towel?" and I did), she only nibbled at her dinner. Then she asked if I would take her to get ice cream tonight. Again, I just don't have the energy to get dressed, walk downstairs, and all that stuff. That's when she freaked out, started throwing markers at me. I stopped and said calmly, "you will pick up that marker," but she looked at me defiantly - no. "You may not throw things at me," and then she started a long tirade about how I don't think of anyone else just me, not even Daddy. "You don't think so, but it's true!"

This so pushed my buttons. I started to say that if she wants to spend more time together and play, that's fine, but her throwing markers at me and saying mean things isn't what's going to do it. I was starting to say that I understand she's upset but please just talk to me nicely. Then she slammed the door and stormed away, fingers plugged in her ears. That's when I lost it, stopped her and lectured. Of course that went over really well.

I took it too personally. I just don't like listening to these things. She sometimes goes on these rants with me where she says the meanest stuff. It really makes me feel like a failure as a parent and as a mother. It doesn't make me feel motivated to Mother her, it makes me feel like I just can't do good enough. I know that's not true and I have to step back and reality check. Just in the moment sometimes, when I'm beaten down/tired/sick, it pushes my buttons.

How do I address this in the future? What to do when my buttons are pushed? I tried to stay calm and speak calmly but that didn't last long today.

Tell me I'm not alone in these experiences. Not that I want other peoples' 4 y.o.s to say they are terrible, but misery loves company.

[SunshineJ]

The rule in our house is this: if you cannot speak nicely or behave nicely (as in not throwing, hitting, etc.) then you are NOT fit company for other humans and may spend time in your room until such time you feel otherwise. Upon departure from said room, the child may then pick up whatever mess they made, apologize if needed or return to their room.

We're at the point where as soon as something is thrown with intent (vs playing around) or the serious talkback starts the child is immediately sent to their room and nothing else is said. I know it probably sounds a bit harsh, and I'll admit it took a lot of abuse from them for us to get to this point, but to be honest, the world *doesn't* always cater to their needs and there was no reason we felt they should be allowed to treat people like that simply because they didn't get what they wanted. Granted, the reaction from us varies a bit depending on the situation, but for anything like what you described, that's been the rule for a little over a year. We don't yell, we don't engage, simply tell them to their room until they feel they can be fit for human companionship. I have to say that it's amazing how much this reaction has cut down on episodes like that - not to mention how fast they now get over it when they're in a snit!

I hope you get feeling better and can get some good rest tonight!

[LynnS6]

Very typically 4. 4s are learning the power of words - and just like 1s and 2s who are learning the power of their bodies and sometimes hit, 4s sometimes lash out with their words. And it hurts.

When my buttons are pushed, I tend to react like you do, especially if I'm not feeling well. I probably would have yelled, taken away the markers and put them up really high so dd couldn't get them and then sent her to her room until she could be civil.

The yelling is not ideal. I wish I could be the kind of parent who could keep my act together all the time. Or maybe not all the time, but more of the time.

The most helpful thing for me is to separate myself until I can be more rational. Sometimes I don't even say anything - just walk into my room and shut (OK, slam ) the door. I never object when my kids stomp to their rooms.

Like the pp, my tolerance for certain behaviors has gone way down. Dd regularly gets asked to go to her room for whining. When I've heard your point, empathized with you and given you a hug and you're still whining 5 minutes later, mommy has had it. I'm at that point where sometimes just the beginning of a whine will set me off (especially when it's the 15th of the day) and then I yell. I figure it's better to enforce distance before I get there.

[Surfacing]

Thank you for commiserating. Seriously.

[rainbringer]

My dd often tells me I need to stop thinking only of myself when I don't do something she wants!

[Autumn Breeze]

Another to say "I feel you" though my daughter (4 yo) does it differently. It's just in how DEMANDING she gets when she is very tired and feeling that her needs haven't been met.

And she mostly points and whines and fusses, sometimes gestures. Rather than speaking. I find this extremely frustrating and usually don't respond appropriately.

I find 4 to be extremely challenging.

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by rainbringer

My dd often tells me I need to stop thinking only of myself when I don't do something she wants!

Yes, and it really is as simple as that. It's stunning how this little person can deftly say something that gets Mom turned around and questioning herself.

I know that's not true and I have to step back and reality check. That's it, exactly. Her comment surprised you and hurt you. But now you know what's really happening, so if it happens again you won't take it (as) personally. It takes practice.

[laohaire]

I have a 4 year old too. She's not used those words but others a lot like them. Frankly she seems to enjoy getting a rise out of us. I hate that, the idea that she is pleased by our upset and hurt. It's not like she doesn't get a ton of positive attention and she has to resort to negative attention to get any.

[MissNo]

My almost 4 year old told me recently that "I want you to leave this house! You pack up and move to South America!"

I had to go out onto our porch to recover myself, or I would have wet my pants laughing. South America?! What?!

Other, nasty things have come out of her mouth, and I try to just inform her that her words are hurtful, and when she is ready to speak kindly, I'll be doing such and such. It is HARD, because I take everything personally. I often have to make myself unavailable to her, or ignore her when she is having a moment. When she is calming down, then I can go and cuddle with her and talk it over.

[laohaire]

Oh, that one reminded me... if DD gets mad at her daddy while we're all in the car (for any of a variety of offenses... like talking to me would be a biggie... not unrolling the window when it's 20F outside was another offense once... you get the idea) she will tell him to go away, and when she gets all worked up she tells him to jump out of the car!

[honeybunmom]

I'm no help as I lit into dd this morning for demanding that I zip her boots (after I'd dressed her and cooked her a hot breakfast all while getting myself ready for work and her father stays at home with the kids) to get her ready for school. Mommy has to do every dam# thing! Then, of course, her father is mean, I'm mean, she doesn't get to do anything. And the winner, "Sometimes I think you don't love me". Often times after a day that can be described as a complete Coco love fest. Yup, you guessed it, she's FOUR!

[Surfacing]

Originally Posted by journeymom

But now you know what's really happening, so if it happens again you won't take it (as) personally. It takes practice.

So true, it really does take practice. Mental practice, forming mental habits.

[Surfacing]

Originally Posted by honeybunmom

And the winner, "Sometimes I think you don't love me". Often times after a day that can be described as a complete Coco love fest. Yup, you guessed it, she's FOUR!

I can soooo relate! Here too. "I never get to do anything fun!" Wha? After I run my a$$ off taking her here and there, etc.

[hopefulfaith]

Four is all about words, isn't it?

"Mom, I think I am angry at you and I feel like I don't want to listen to you and I want to just GO AWAY!"

(Me: "I know, buddy. We still have to put our boots in the closet, though.")

[Surfacing]

[meemee]

at how articulate she is. yet coz its so typical.

you know they have a list of excuses children make why they cant go to school kinda jokes. well there should be one of 4 year olds expressing how much they hate their parents or how mean and selfish and .... that they think we are.

i remember my dd's whole body language and how she said those things to me - that little thing saying 'adult' things. i totally cracked up inside and would have to struggle really hard that i didnt show anything outside.

we are supposed to be mind readers and oh boy. how we fail at that dont we?!!!!

[Autumn Breeze]

Articulate 4 yr olds turn mama's hair gray a bit quicker don't they?

[catballou24]

oh i've been there! my now 4 year old just whines and stomps, but my oldest DD at 4 and 5 was miss verbal all the way. i'd hear how mean i am, selfish, she's running away, she even hated me once...i admit i'd lose it from time to time and the lectures would start (i'm a talker...my poor family..). she now just storms off into her room and i hear her talking to herself, which is way better than yelling at me..haha! she's learned to calm herself down and can come out happy again. this was after many many times of being sent to her room when the tirades would start..

so i feel where you are at... it does get better though. try to keep calm if you can, or walk away and lock yourself in a bathroom for 5 minutes. when i felt my anger rising to the point where i might say something unwise, i'd tell dd that i needed a 5 minute time out and lock the bathroom door. i kept a book and magazine in there for those times..

hang in there...it will get better. it's very typical of this age for sure...

[honeybunmom]

Originally Posted by catballou24

try to keep calm if you can, or walk away and lock yourself in a bathroom for 5 minutes. when i felt my anger rising to the point where i might say something unwise, i'd tell dd that i needed a 5 minute time out and lock the bathroom door. i kept a book and magazine in there for those times..

hang in there...it will get better. it's very typical of this age for sure...

Oh, yet another down side of moving in before the rehab is fully complete. No doors on the rooms. Not excited about standing in the utility closet, the only room with a door. At least there are 3 floors and I can move to another one!

[MJB]

Sounds like something my 4yo would say. Also, "No one's EVER nice to me!" They're masters of drama at this age and can get really angry when things don't go their way. We hear "I hate you" a lot, too, even though he knows he'll get in trouble for saying it.