Our first visitation weekend. (I think I like it! :))

[RollerCoasterMama]

Original schedule: Thursday night - Sunday. But various circumstances intervened. The actual schedule:
Friday overnight with STBX.
Saturday AM - Sunday afternoon with me.
Sunday overnight and all day today. We rendevoused at the pediatrician for his 3 yr check-up. And they showed up in time for dinner at my house.

Friday night, I tagged along with a friend on her date-night...sad I know, but they live together so not horrifically sad. :P I got to see a movie and we chatted a bit. She's been through divorce with kids before and understands my need to tip-toe slowly out of my hermit life. So that was fun and low-key.

And having a full 24 hours just for me was wonderful. STBX and DS had fun and I got stuff done, slept in, picked up the house, cooked. I'm SOOO recharged. I spent the weekend in a terrific mood which was a lovely change from the slump the past couple of weeks.

This is where the work of the past 7 months is starting to pay off. DS can see us being very civil and parenting together. We have the same rules, routines and work on the same challenges for the most part, so the consistancy helps him through the transition. STBX is starting to trust me that amicable divorces really do exist---and he'll benefit by my flexibility and the odd home-cooked meal during transfer times. And I have less stress in my life.

We just need to keep this going, make it through the actual divorce. The acid test will be if one of us starts dating. But we'll cross that bridge later.

I know I'll have grief-sucker-punches probably in the future...but I dealt with a big chunk of that in the past few weeks. I'm feeling so much more relaxed and the happy mood transfers to DS.

This thread sees enough hard stuff...thought I'd post something good for once.

Oh, and I'm highly amused...each time STBX comes over to my house and sees something new that I've got, he realizes more all the time that I was always decorating in neutrals because we have very different tastes that didn't work together. But that's the point of decorating my new nest. To make it MINE. (There's a reason I happily let him have all of the furniture and started fresh.)

So...having 24 hours to myself in my own nest = magic. Love it. Looking forward to the next time! :-D

[Rosehip]

Originally Posted by RollerCoasterMama

So...having 24 hours to myself in my own nest = magic. Love it. Looking forward to the next time! :-D

Awesome! As for starting dating...in my experience, *starting* to date is not a problem. I have VERY slowly ventured out. I went on several dates with one guy in the fall, and just went on another date last night. I move at glacier speed, and have not involved my kids at all. So there have been no issues with either them or X. I go out when either my parents can watch the kids, or my X has them. I don't plan to get my kids involved until a potential beaux and I mutually agree that we see very serious potential. I won't tell my X about my dating until the kids are involved. I guess what I'm trying to say is you can certainly dip your toe in the dating world, when you're ready, without having to go the whole hog in terms of incorporating DS.

[RollerCoasterMama]

Originally Posted by Rosehip

Awesome! As for starting dating...in my experience, *starting* to date is not a problem. I have VERY slowly ventured out. I went on several dates with one guy in the fall, and just went on another date last night. I move at glacier speed, and have not involved my kids at all. So there have been no issues with either them or X. I go out when either my parents can watch the kids, or my X has them. I don't plan to get my kids involved until a potential beaux and I mutually agree that we see very serious potential. I won't tell my X about my dating until the kids are involved. I guess what I'm trying to say is you can certainly dip your toe in the dating world, when you're ready, without having to go the whole hog in terms of incorporating DS.

Makes sense. And I guess that's what I meant. I wouldn't involve DS until something was pretty serious. And I would hope the same from STBX. We've only had one conversation about it so far and it went well. I'm not ready though. It might be a while. And I definitely want to wait until we get the divorce finalized and the dust settles. I never did like dating anyway! ;P

[LoveOhm]

Sounds like a really productive weekend. I think all parents can really be better if they make some time to "re-fill their own cups"....... now getting that on a consistent basis is where I struggle. But I do think regardless of what your ex does or does not do you need to make "you time" a priority. (I pay for mine, but however it happens I make it a priority!)

[RollerCoasterMama]

Originally Posted by LoveOhm

Sounds like a really productive weekend. I think all parents can really be better if they make some time to "re-fill their own cups"....... now getting that on a consistent basis is where I struggle. But I do think regardless of what your ex does or does not do you need to make "you time" a priority. (I pay for mine, but however it happens I make it a priority!)

It is definitely on the priority list. I learned that the hard way. Part of the problem is that I'm away from a support system. I'm sort of starting from scratch here to find some local friends. Even though I've lived here for 5.5 yrs, I let myself become a hermit. But I'm taking baby steps. And now that DS is older, I'm not opposed to a sitter. Bedtime might be difficult--but snatching a couple of hours wouldn't be impossible. I even signed up for Care.com last summer when it was 50% off and STBX and I tried a couple of sitters from there while we went to an afternoon movie. Both times went really well, with the added bonus that both of us felt comfortable with how well DS did.

So, I think STBX is going to really try to have him regularly. And if he doesn't I'll definitely find ways to get me time. We've only been at it this month really. But so far, DS spends some time - even if it's just a couple of hours - with STBX every few days. He's getting the hang of the new reality pretty quickly. He's such a black and white kid at a black and white age...he creates rules about his world. "No, this toy lives with me at Mommy's house!!" He genuinely enjoys spending time with his dad and it's mutual. STBX is still flakey about schedules. He always has been and at 41 years old, there's only so much I can do about that. I don't even mind if he does Disney Land dad a bit. Right now, it's good for them to have some fun. He's trying to keep to our common goals with DS. And he knows how hard we've both worked the past 18 months to help DS overcome some of his challenges. He's not going to undermine that knowingly.

I guess that's the wordy way of saying that I'm really grateful for a STBX that I feel fully comfortable trusting with DS. Since I said I wanted a divorce, we had 6 months still in the same house. From day 1, we both worked for STBX to have a more active role with DS in the every day, boring stuff. It has helped a lot for DS to know that I was ok with Daddy doing stuff, for STBX to know that I was ok with it, and to get DS used to it. And for me to step back and let him do it so that I had the confidence for real that I was faking initially.

So, I really can relax when they're together, and gosh it's nice!

[kdmama33]

Sometimes I actually feel a bit envious of mamas who get visitation weekends to themselves. My ex hasn't seen the kids in years I am a solo parent, and that time to myself is so hard to come by.

[RollerCoasterMama]

Originally Posted by kdmama33

Sometimes I actually feel a bit envious of mamas who get visitation weekends to themselves. My ex hasn't seen the kids in years I am a solo parent, and that time to myself is so hard to come by.

I was fully prepared for that scenario. Originally he was going to enlist and get stationed wherever. Considering he hasn't seen his kids from his first marriage in 13 years (their step-dad adopted them 9 years ago) and his own bio-dad flaked out...it could still happen. So I'm enjoying while he's enthusiastic and hoping for the best.

I am fully aware that I could become effectively solo at any time...that just makes me all the more grateful. I've had no time to myself DS's whole life. This is the first time really in 3 years, so it makes me a little giddy to get a break.

[meemee]

you know it goes both ways. initially ex took dd so little that it didnt feel like a break. there were either at the house or outside. and then he started taking her more and i loved it. truly magic.

and as she became older (because we had already done so much together that one wouldnt think a child would like or enjoy but i did anyways) i found i missed her company while doing stuff i knew she would like - like us girls hanging out together. i thought wow i would be free. and yet i missed her and so did my friends.

and so i have found the right equilibrium. i have stuff that is separate from dd and yet there are stuff i do - for myself - that i involve my dd in. i love that. i love that i do stuff i love both with her and without her. and i love how others think about it. like we were planning spring break today. a small group to go out to a ranch. and i mentioned i would like to take my dd since only my name was mentioned. EVERYBODY rolled their eyes at me and said 'me' always meant me and my dd. i am the only single mom in the group and they have basically adopted my dd which she totally laps up.

[RollerCoasterMama]

p.s. Proof mama-time and a little social time is good for me. Shuffling around tonights overnight on the same day---didn't even phase me. I'm perfectly content. And was in chipper enough of a mood to suggest some alternate time if he wanted--which he did.

This is SUUUUCH a better place to be in than a week ago. That slump lasted for a few weeks and was getting difficult to deal with. I think I got through this particular part of the grieving process and am in a better place. It may kick in again later. But for now, it's all good.

Thanks for listening to my highs and lows!!

And meemee...good advice...once I have me back to normal, I can start thinking of fun things to do with DS on our weekends. When I'm sad, it's just hard to think about leaving the house.