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NMY Graduates Love Thread, Part 5 - Page 20

post #381 of 607
Looks like I didn't miss much!

PiePie, I'm sorry.


We had so much fun in NC!! If we had family and friends with us, I would move there in a second! Love the climate!!
post #382 of 607
cking- Thanks for that link, her advice really makes sense. Here's to both of our recoveries!

piepie- feel better soon! Your body is not bad at being pregnant, it's just dealing with a lot. I remember throwing up on my morning bus commute to school, I always felt so embarrassed.

Maela, I can't believe Jaim started walking at 8 mo! Westley took his first steps a few days after he turned 10 mo, and is a pro now. I love hearing his little feet padding around the house. How were the kids on the flight?

We just got back from seeing fireworks. It was fun, but Westley was up way too late, and he was so excited by the park and the fireworks and all he didn't nurse for a few hours and now I feel like I've got a plugged duct. I had him nurse a ton once we got back, but my left breast still is really tender!

Things are crazy here. After much thought I've decided to go back to school this year. I'll be part time and as long as it's not crazy I should be able to graduate in 2 years. I would have graduated this past spring had I not gotten pregnant a year earlier than planned. We moved out here for school and now we're really feeling like it's time to finish up so we can move back to our home state and get going on some siblings for Westley. Anyway, to make it feasible to go to school we are going to have to move next month. I've been so consumed with the apartment search, I haven't even thought about the packing and the truck rental and finding childcare once we're there. Oy. I really hate moving, but I am really looking forward to the classes I am about to take. I worry about Westley being away from me more often, but I'll only be in class about 7 hours a week, and I know the baby free time will recharge me in a lot of ways.
post #383 of 607
Angelorum, good luck with school! And happy early birthday to your Westley!

Sure has been quiet around here. I hope all is well with you lovely ladies.

I start teaching again in less than a week. EEEEK!!!And since DH ddn't end up with his dream job (long drawn out story that's been told on FB), we're working on plans B and C. He'll probably sub if we don't find anything, but at least subbing will get him into some school districts.
post #384 of 607
Angelorum, Congratulations on your return to school!! I don't envy you the moving (we moved after DD was born, and it sucked), but it sounds like you know what you have to do to make everything work. The search for childcare was exceedingly stressful, but eventually everything fell into place in the nick of time. My adamant advice is to plan for contingencies.

I have had a rough time. Big fight with DH on Saturday, major morning sickness on Sunday, when a very serious heat wave started her. Better Monday, but when I had to go back to work today I was, of course, very sick again. Like scary sick. I am now my midwife's second longest running case of morning sickness ever, and she has been catching babies since 1968! However, I heard from a childhood friend on FB that she she had to have all food and liquid delivered through IV for the entirety of 2 pregnancies, so I know it could be worse. Definitely feel like it's affecting my parenting. I just can't take the heat, but she needs physical exercise. I think all 2 yos do, but she really does, given her exceedingly high energy levels. I never do TV or videos but I resorted to it twice on Sunday (30 minutes each time). BTW, what is Big Bird, a resident of brownstone Brooklyn, doing shopping at a Super Wal-Mart? There are no Wal-Marts in any of the 5 boroughs of NYC, and I don't think there are any very close to the City either.
post #385 of 607
I just lost my post twice!


I don't even want to try again.


s to Witchy and Piepie. Maev started watching tv when I was pg. Go easy on yourself - it'll get easier again someday.


dh had his vasectomy today.
post #386 of 607
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...6#post15599506

If you have any input I could really use some advice. Horrible night with Dd. I don't know what to do anymore.
post #387 of 607
would love to discuss article linked to on FB from nymag http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/

DH asked me to read it because it connects to a lot of the feelings he has been having (and I haven't) that have been creating issues in our relationship. I would say that very little of it resonated with me: I am definitely happier day-to-day as well as more joyful now that I have DD. I have more fun with DD than I would doing most "adult" things. Thus when DH asks for adult time, my honest question is WHY? Which does not mean that at any given time I don't have a running list of movies and plays I want to see, and if a babysitter were magically there (without my having to arrange it) I might do it, but then I would miss time with DD, which would make me not only guilty but sad.

I agree that kids create a lot of stress (this morning I forgot her lunch and had to turn back -- if it were just me I would have just bought lunch and carried on, YK?) and seem to shrink your life to the size of a teacup in some senses -- e.g., my total inability to relate to most of my childless colleagues and friends. If I am really and truly honest with myself I have to question whether I respect them insofar as their life is career career career. Now I was very career-focused for a long time, but I also always knew there was more to life, just not at that chapter. I also find that I am less supportive of my friends once they reach a certain point in their career -- it's like they have the brass ring (tenure, for most of them) but they still are obsessed with the next big thing, which to me starts to seem like a very little thing. It's like my friend J., a (single, childess) lawyer, who is very devastated that she was passed over for a promotion, which would have meant more $. Now she already makes $800K, so I find it hard to believe that more $ is that meaningful.

but then they also enlarge it -- WE would never have connected but for having our children. I also definitely agree with the more chores part. The part that resonated with me the most was the post on urbanbaby (which I avoid almost always -- it is so competitive I immediately know I have done everything wrong, plus it totally excludes both neighborhoods we have lived in with DD as too poor) from the FT WOHM who feels like she has become less interesting as a conversationalist because she is just too tired. I definitely know that this is a huge problem in my relationship with DH -- he wants more game nights, more debate about policy or law or history -- I want to chill. Some of this is an energy mismatch -- he is really high energy and while I am higher energy that the vast majority of people I have ever met I can't keep up with him. (Small wonder we created a DD, huh?) But the big problem, noted in the article, is that so much of my energy goes into DD and I admit it leaves very little left for him. I know this is the stereotype of SAHMs -- that all they can talk about it coupons and soccer -- but I feel like it's me as well. Not that I am not thinking big thoughts, but they are big thoughts about educational philosophies or disciplinary strategies or child development, not high politics. Not that I don't make an effort to follow, and I still think I do more than most Americans, but definitely not at the level of my husband, and not at the level I was at when I met him. There just aren't enough hours in the day.

It also leaves little left for my career and I have been feeling badly about that of late. I am working with people at a firm who make it very clear that they look down on me because I don't go the extra mile, which in their mind is the bare minimum, so they call me at the office at 7:30 at night or on a Sunday and are like, why aren't you there? I get that attitude -- I lived it for years -- and I even get the pecking order wherein people who aren't living that life are lesser litigators. But it totally pushes my buttons, because deep down I know it's not just the hours that are different but I am just not as on top of my game as they are and as I once was.

So I want to hear from you -- maybe it would help me be less judgmental of my DH for his ambivalence. The line he loved was that Kids are a tremendous source of joy, but they turn every other source of joy to sh!t.
post #388 of 607



Quote:
Originally Posted by PiePie View Post
would love to discuss article linked to on FB from nymag http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/

The line he loved was that Kids are a tremendous source of joy, but they turn every other source of joy to sh!t.
going to print this to read during our long drive tomorrow.
So true, what your dh said. Tried to enlist DDs help while packing for vacation today, and it just set me back several hours. so the packing all needs to be done during sleeping hours...as in, right now.
post #389 of 607
PiePie, I'm reading that article (slowly and with interruptions) right now. Interesting. Sad. But I do kind of agree. I do love mothering, but I also feel like I'm not that good at it. Especially lately. I don't have enough patience and my temper lately has been awful. It's just so. much. work. right now. I could be working from sun up to sun down (of course bfing during the night too) and never take a break and still have stuff that doesn't get done. I'm just really feeling like I need a break right now. I've been thinking a lot about how much time dh and I got to spend together and how we could just get up and decide to see a movie or go out to the pub, etc. before we had kids. Of course I'm so glad I had kids! Not only because they're such amazing little people, but also because I feel like I've really changed for the better as a person. So I am so happy that I became a parent, but I'm also really excited for a few years from now when the kids are older and I have a little bit more time for myself. While still trying to remember to enjoy every cute thing Maev says and every hug Jaim gives me. (it's so cute - he says "aahhh!" while he hugs and gives those open-mouthed kisses)

I thought it was interesting how with each successive generation parents seemed to enjoy parenting less and less. Are we just lazy/selfish? Is it the way our society/communities are set up (the whole isolation thing)? I feel like it might be a little bit of both. Also there seem to be "higher standards" for parents these days I think. As in the kids have to be in more extracurricular activities, have more toys, bigger houses, better schools, etc.
post #390 of 607
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maela View Post

I thought it was interesting how with each successive generation parents seemed to enjoy parenting less and less. Are we just lazy/selfish? Is it the way our society/communities are set up (the whole isolation thing)? I feel like it might be a little bit of both. Also there seem to be "higher standards" for parents these days I think. As in the kids have to be in more extracurricular activities, have more toys, bigger houses, better schools, etc.
I think it's partially that there's a choice, partially that people are having kids later in life so they know what they are missing, partially that women have more opportunities so they know that they are missing out on things (I can feel the hit to my career; my mom SAHM but before she had me she had what she thought of as a job, not a career), partially that it's okay to say this stuff now whereas once upon a time women were just supposed to love mothering or accept it as their lot in life (I cannot imagine my mom being as open with her IRL mom friends (who were her friends because they happened to be neighbors, not because they necessarily had the same values) about her inner life as we are here -- and my grandmothers? never complaining was seen as their highest virtue!), and partially that the standards are higher now. For example, where I grew up a lot of kids took violin lessons starting at age 2; we were one of the pilot communities for Suzuki in the US. Well I wanted to get DD into Suzuki for next year; so far I called 21 schs and have been told 1. the application process for fall ended in March or April (!!!!) or 2. they don't take 3 yos. I am hooking up with potential instructors through list-servs, but I can't shake the feeling that I missed the boat on the applications. Which never would have been an issue in my mom's world -- just unthinkable. Of course part of it is that DD has so many more opportunities because we are in a major metropolitan area -- there is the premiere American Suzuki training school here (for training teachers), so there is something to miss out on, whereas I don't think my mom thought she was missing out on anything to have me take lessons from the lady down the street, YK? Which is probably what DD will do and it will probably be fine. Similarly, she is being recruited to be on a traveling competitive gymnastics team; I am going to say no because it is too many hours, too much work for me schlepping her places, and too expensive -- but honestly I don't think that when/where I was growing up there were even 3 yo slots on teams and such. So my mom didn't have the nagging sense that she was thwarting the next Nadia Comenichi.
post #391 of 607
good points PiePie. And a competitive traveling gymnastics team?! For a three year old? Wow.
post #392 of 607
I've missed you sisters

Jess has been feeding my soul with the articles she linked to (and I shamelessly poached). DH and I are in casual discussions about whether we want to have another baby in a couple of years. I've been surprised to see how deep my ambivalence goes on parenthood - I've felt a bit gaslighted by it, living in a culture that on its surface seems to revere motherhood nearly to the point of suspicion. I'm a little relieved to see these discussions taking place. At my mother's workshop last week, I asked if I was crazy for hearing about the research on happiness and it's dismal description of parenthood and responding so automatically by nodding in agreement. 3+ years into my parenthood, and i still haven't figured out how to move past merely reacting to requests. To hear parents describe "parenting" in such dismal terms seems to suggest heartlessness, as if they hate watching a new soul learn, explore and fall in love. In reality, I think it's completely rational to be a bit exhausted by requests for water, demands about where the missing beloved toy #4,483 is, and the constant cycle of pick-me-up-so-I can-climb-up-your-body-to-show-I-want-to-be-put-back-down. This is the face of parenting for me. But. Sprinkled liberally with moments of absolute transcendance. I'm still giddy, remembering Fenton's first experience with picking oregano out of the garden and plopping it right on his pasta. Two angry hours spent rocking, bouncing and singing to an exhausted baby who FINALLY fell asleep....only to realize 30 minutes into my movie that I MISSED him and wished he'd wake up so I could hold him. The author who described it as joy instead of fun had it absolutely spot on for me. But sometimes I miss having fun myself.

My movie: I haven't finished it yet, but I'm underwhelmed by Away We Go. It hurts me to see Jim Halpert looking SO unattractive . But it's seriously making me angry. I wish the movie was less interested in caricatures of parenting style.

We’re doing awesome on this end, especially considering we are in a period of overlap where my work had to start before DHs full-time work ended. He leaves his position at the church in August, and I’ve gotten 2-3 clients with my virtual assistant work. The biggest client I had to start work with a few weeks ago, so it’s been challenging to carve out time to get work done in the few hours where I have childcare. Even with this being in such limbo for the next month, I still feel more balance than I’ve ever had, and DH is really embracing a more sustainable approach to parenting, work, everything. The finances are shaking out to be an improvement....I'm still awestruck that this has worked out the way it has, and that it managed to present so much opportunity for growing for everyone.

A few weeks before I left for my Birthing From Within training in Tennessee with my MIL, Reece started having trouble being comforted by anyone but me. It continues, and it has been, by far, the most stressful part of our family’s transitions. It’s stressful for everyone involved: me, Reece, and anyone who tries to help me. I know it’s likely to be such a short season, but it’s frustrating when it’s for the purpose of sharing work so equitably and getting everyone’s needs met. The training in Tennesse was amazing, peppered with stress at every break and adjornment as I would race back to my cabin to find a screaming Reece. For days after, he would panic if I left even to go to the bathroom. I’ve tried everything I can think of to help him, but I’ve had to just be with him in his suffering, explain what is happening and that he’s always with people who love him and want to help him. I’ve been surprised that it doesn’t seem to help when Fenton is there too. They’re so fond of each other – my fears of sibling rivalry were quickly replaced by the realization that they are already banding together against us ☺ They love to laugh together.

I’m still laying the groundwork for CBE classes and self-care workshops. My first classes start in September, and I’ve recently had the brainstorm to set up a booth at the local Mom2Mom sales to promote. I feel like there is never any end to the work between promoting, working on my certification and developing the curriculum. So far I really love it.
post #393 of 607
Interesting article PiePie. I had heard something about the research on kids/happiness before. The work of parenting isn't all that fun for me (is it for anyone?), but there are so many other things about having a child that are. Since reading the article I have taken note of how many times I've laughed at ds's goofiness or swooned over his cuteness. I think I can say that I am not more happy than I was before I had him, but I don't think I'm less happy either. And I've been feeling more in partnership with dh lately too. Now that we have ds, we both have to work together to realize our individual goals, ie dh is going to have to sacrifice to help out with childcare and things around the house so I can go to school (not to mention the moving!), and I am going to have to work as hard as I can to give dh the time and space to get his current work projects finished in good time so we can afford to lose my income and move etc. There was some of this before ds of course, but not as much, and it's just worked out well lately.

We applied for the most perfect condo on friday. We weren't the only ones to apply however and we haven't heard back yet on the decision. I am really crossing my fingers that we'll get it and the hunt for a new place can be over. All the trips to scout out possibilities have really taken a toll on Westley's sleep; I can never manage to make the trip out, do the looking, and come back without missing or seriously delaying one of his naps or bedtime. Also, he doesn't always nurse well while we're out and about, and that tender breast I mentioned in my last post turned into full blown mastitis not an hour later. Thankfully, it was short lived and I was back to normal in 24 hours, but I am not looking to repeat that experience ever again!
post #394 of 607
Quote:
Originally Posted by Angelorum View Post
We applied for the most perfect condo on friday. We weren't the only ones to apply however and we haven't heard back yet on the decision. I am really crossing my fingers that we'll get it and the hunt for a new place can be over. All the trips to scout out possibilities have really taken a toll on Westley's sleep; I can never manage to make the trip out, do the looking, and come back without missing or seriously delaying one of his naps or bedtime. Also, he doesn't always nurse well while we're out and about, and that tender breast I mentioned in my last post turned into full blown mastitis not an hour later. Thankfully, it was short lived and I was back to normal in 24 hours, but I am not looking to repeat that experience ever again!
I hope you get the condo!

Jaim has been nursing more lately (yay!), but just a little while ago I noticed that even right after nursing him on my left side, I have a lump on the top of my breast about an inch from my nipple. I guess it's a clogged duct? It does kind of feel like when I'm a little engorged. I tried pumping and it didn't help. I tried waking him to nurse again, but he didn't want to. So now I'm a little worried...
post #395 of 607
i guess i'm the odd one out on the article.

while ryan and i had a tough go at first, largely due to our dynamic changing, it has improved immensely before and particularly since our move.

i find that i love parenting, and i find it very rewarding pretty much all the time. ryan and i working half days has been amazing for us as a family--hawk gets mom time, dad time, and family time in the evenings before bed. ryan and i get time together after bed time, and now that we have some reception people coming on board, ryan gets time for just his work.

so, we are in this space where we are each doing work that we love, each parenting and having family and alone time, and it really feels like a great rhythm.

sure, there are always things that i can improve, but the rhythm of my life is really good and we are happy with it. i don't know if that means i'll have 10 more kids or something, or even one more, or even add to my work load, but honestly, it is going very well so far, and we are happy.

i don't find parenting to be not-fun, but the things that were fun for us in the past have changed. for example, we don't spend a lot of time discussing gender issues in teh modern context, but rather we do spend a fair bit of time talking about the need and nature of celebrations and how to create and incorporate them into our family life.

but the main thing is that we are relating, and relating on topics of interest to us. and we are happy.

i am really tired of articles portraying motherhood in the way that the article does, because i have found that i feel more together, more myself, more fulfilled, happier, etc--evne though i'm working very hard in so many ways--since becoming a mom and also since really living the dream of the holistic health center.

but, perhaps it is an accurate portrayal if most women feel that way.

and the idea of violin lessons and competitive gymnastics for someone slightly older than hawk seems absolutely bonkers to me. i'm not coming down on parenting choices; you gotta do what you want to do for and with your child, and no doubt she loves it. hawk is a bit of a whiz at those drums (and his ukulele). but still, i can't imagine it. but it's just a different philosophy/approach on the age, i guess.
post #396 of 607
Quote:
Originally Posted by zoebird View Post
i have found that i feel more together, more myself, more fulfilled, happier, etc--evne though i'm working very hard in so many ways-
This I agree with - except the happier part. But I also can't say I'm less happier than I was before I had kids, because back then I could not comprehend how much free time I had that I wouldn't have once I had kids. And I wanted them SO badly! so I'm probably just as happy as before kids, only in different ways.

I'm slowly working through these temper/anger issues that I mentioned a few posts ago. The last few days have been much much better. I think I just needed to grow up. I also think I need to somehow carve out a little more time for myself to do the things I'm interested in (right now learning more about gardening/raising food).


Oh, and that clogged duct is cleared I think.
post #397 of 607
zoebird, I feel like what you've described (in yourself) is a mama who has achieved amazing and awesome balance - and thus is happy not just in her parent self but her whole self. I've been feeling the same way for a while now. I think everyone's balance threshold is different and I also wonder if that balance is achievable when you have an infant who is so very dependent on Mama and her boobs?

I've spent a lot of time reflecting on that NY mag article and honestly, I don't relate. I thought I did, but I feel like I've worked hard to bypass all that ridiculous expectation stuff and for the most part, I've done a good job. I think that choosing to parent in the way I have brackets me away from a lot of others expectations of my parenting - people expect me to do things a bit differently and love me nonetheless (or don't, and those ppl don't matter anyway). I think also that all that expectation stuff if much more pronounced in the US (and waaaayyy more so in NYC) than here so it's easier for me to ignore what is out there.

In terms of happiness - that transcendent joy she speaks of is amazing, and it certainly can pull you through some of the tough bits, but a Mama like me, who is happy in her whole life, has reserves she can pull from other bits of her life too and without them, finding fun can be hard and the drudgery probably would dominate. And I do think there's a heap of fun to be had but it's not about having great nights out and extravagant weekends away - it's about enjoying your children's fun.

So - I definitely feel like the second article resonated far more with me... have you all read that one, too?

And in other news - we are trying NAET to clear Sebby's food sensitivities - it's pretty woo-woo and so far we've only done egg but it seems to have worked. We have our second appt this afternoon. We also had an a-ha moment in terms of the onset of these sensitivities and the demise of Sebby's sleep...we thought it was the un-rest of moving house but actually, it's environmental...his sleep stopped when we moved onto a main road!!! nice.
post #398 of 607
Quote:
Originally Posted by MujerMamaMismo View Post
I've spent a lot of time reflecting on that NY mag article and honestly, I don't relate. I thought I did, but I feel like I've worked hard to bypass all that ridiculous expectation stuff and for the most part, I've done a good job. I think that choosing to parent in the way I have brackets me away from a lot of others expectations of my parenting - people expect me to do things a bit differently and love me nonetheless (or don't, and those ppl don't matter anyway). I think also that all that expectation stuff if much more pronounced in the US (and waaaayyy more so in NYC) than here so it's easier for me to ignore what is out there.


So - I definitely feel like the second article resonated far more with me... have you all read that one, too?
on the expectations bit. Maybe I'll start feeling more external pressure once we're really in the toddler stage, but for now I feel pretty confidant that Westley is getting his needs met, and I have no guilt over not providing x trendy enrichment experience. We read books, go to the library and the park, play and explore things, and I think he's turning into a pretty awesome little guy

I hadn't read that second article, thanks for posting it, I like what she's saying.

Maela- glad the clogged duct is gone, I was trying to post the things that have helped me in the past right after your last post, and my internet cut out :P

We got a call from the condo owners today, they were asking some basic rental questions and said they are looking at 3 families for the place and will be calling all the references in the next few days. I really really really REALLY hope we get this place and can move on to the next phase of packing and moving. We have great rental history and good credit, but I'm always worried that the fact that dh is self employed is going to put people off. He's already signed contracts that ensure a steady stream of income for the next year, but I just worry that next to other more conventional people with conventional 9-5 jobs we are going to be looked over.
post #399 of 607
Condo owners called again today, they say it's now down to us and one other family. They are deciding tonight. :fing ersx
post #400 of 607
WE GOT IT!!!!



alright I'll stop posting now
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