Anyone else have conflict over who gets to see the birth?

[Jenica]

Anyone else have disagreements over who should be allowed in the delivery room?

My mom has said for years that she wants to be there when I have my babies and I never had a problem with it so I always said she could. Well, shortly after I became pregnant it came up in conversation with DH and he freaked. He said it was going to be an amazing experience for us and he felt that having anyone else there would lessen it. I think he also felt like he would be pushed into the background instead of being important as my coach. Well, I avoided saying anything to my mom for a long time in the hopes of him changing his mind. In the mean time I've been making sure he's a big participant in all things baby. I also emphasized how much I would need his help with my hypnobabies stuff, different labor positions and so on. As far as I knew though, he hadn't changed his mind. Well, I e-mailed my mom my birth plan yesterday to see what she thought and she jokingly said there's only one problem it doesn't say anything about me being there. So then I had to confess that DH just wasn't comfortable with it. Well, she was pretty upset and didn't even want to talk to me and ended up getting off the phone. Then I told DH that I had told her and he said I shouldn't have because he was still thinking about it and he thought it would be okay if she was there as long as she just watched. Ugh. I wish he had told me before. So anyway, now it looks like my mom will get to be there but I'm guessing that while she's going to be happy things have changed she's still going to be resentful that he was thinking about excluding her. So now I have to try and calm her down. Why can't we all just get along!

Did anyone else's DH not want to have anyone else there?

[dachshundqueen]

I flat out told both my mother and mother-in-law, who both fully expected to be present for my first birth they weren't welcome. They weren't happy. We kept me going into labor secret. My mother-in-law really pushed, and DH told her I was happy to have her there, provided she stood buck naked in a corner, as that is how I feel birth is, that crazy intimate. Well, she said no thanks.

Second birth, we told them we were HB'ing. No one liked the plan. We told them that if they showed up at the house prior to being invited we would call the cops and have them removed. No one came.

I am very vigilant about protecting my space in such a way that I am able to birth as I wish. Birth is such a private thing, something for only DH and I, and now our kids as they will be home for the third to share. DD was with us for the HB of DS.

Maybe that helps? Your job is to protect your space and to try to get everyone to be civil in such a way that it provides you the support that you need to birth - not trying to balance everything else going on with everyone else.

Liz

[mclisa]

Originally Posted by dachshundqueen

DH told her I was happy to have her there, provided she stood buck naked in a corner, as that is how I feel birth is, that crazy intimate.
Liz

You made me smile. What a great way to explain it to them that this isn't happening.

I don't have a MIL and my mom wasn't pushy. She wanted us to let her know when we were going in so she could be thinking about us. She let us know that she would take her time to get there because those first few hours are a special time for a new family to begin.

[APToddlerMama]

My husband didn't want anyone else there, and I decided to respect that. I wanted my sister there, but understood for him that it was half his baby and important for him for it to just be us. If *you* really want your mom there for support, that is a different story, but if you are just trying to please your mom by having her be there, I think it is more important to allow your husband to have the experience of the birth being just with you guys. Good luck! Grandparents can sometimes really take their time figuring out what their roles should be and behaving accordingly!

[MaerynPearl]

my mom was there for the first... but it was a mutual agreement between XH, my mom and myself that she would be more support than he was (hence the X part of XH)

I wish she were there for the second because XH was zero support at all... my nurses were my support for that one.

This time... Im okay with MIL being at the house if she wants (we are doing a homebirth) but if she is there her job will be to keep DD and DS entertained so they do not freak out. She will not be in the room with me during the actual birth but is totally welcome around me pre-and-post nudity but not during the nude part. I am really comfortable with her... she is a lot like my own mother... so that isnt a problem with me. I still dont want her seeing parts of my body that no one other than my doctor/midwife and husband-to-be need to be seeing.

[Kirsten]

Anyone who was at the conception is free to come to the birth!!

My mom passed away when I was a kid. My MIL wanted to be at dd1's birth but I said absolutely not - in a nice way. I have an amazing sister whom I love and adore (and who has not had kids) but I didn't invite her, or my closest girl friends either. It is private IMO. It is for me and dp.

That said, I got to be at two of my close girl friends' births. I was touched and honored. But they asked me, not the other way around.

If the birthing woman doesn't want them there, it will inhibit labor.

And I LOVE telling people they can be in the room if they stand naked in the corner. That is priceless...

[APToddlerMama]

Originally Posted by Kirsten

If the birthing woman doesn't want them there, it will inhibit labor.

I think that is the most important point. If having your mom there is going to cause DH stress and in turn stress you out, or if you mom is going to be pouting because she's not getting to be your main support person, then that could become an issue for you and for your baby.

[dachshundqueen]

When I came up with that one and told DH to tell his mother that, I think he secretly relished it.

Liz

[Jenica]

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama

I think that is the most important point. If having your mom there is going to cause DH stress and in turn stress you out, or if you mom is going to be pouting because she's not getting to be your main support person, then that could become an issue for you and for your baby.

I'm actually totally fine with having my mom there. She's really supportive of natural birth since she had natural births. She had really long labors and I'm built like her so I'm thinking mine is going to be long too. If that's the case I think DH might actually find out he's happy she's there so he can take a break once in a while. But if DH isn't totally on board with it, and is stressed about her being there, I could see that stressing me out.

I wish it was me who had a problem with it instead of DH so I could use the, "Your welcome as long as you get naked too" excuse. That's awesome. My mom knows that's not the case though so that wouldn't work.

I talked to her today after I posted this and told her DH was thinking she could be there. She was still mad though. She said we had been talking about it for years and I always had said of course she could be there. She's right, I did say that, but I didn't realize that my future husband might have a problem with it. I told her we were wrong not to realize that it wasn't solely my decision to make. Well, that didn't go over well She said she was happy to just stand in the corner, not saying anything, and just taking pictures of whatever we wanted pictures taken of. So at least she's cool with DH having the starring role. She didn't talk much on the phone though she said she was too mad.

I do understand DH's viewpoint and was fully prepared to respect it because I respect him. It would be my ideal to have them both there but if it meant that much to him I was prepared to let it go. My point of view is that it's such an amazing time that it'll be amazing for DH and I regardless of who else is in the room. If DH does come fully on board with having my mom there I hope she gets over her temper tantrum because if she doesn't I might just ban her because I don't need that tension in the delivery room.

[KaylaBeanie]

I hope my DH doesn't have a problem with my mom being there when the day comes, I can't imagine doing it without her. Actually, this sounds really weird, but my dad has always been the person who helped me get through shots, through surgeries, etc. so he'd probably be the most comforting person to me in labor However, for his sanity he can just come to my house after the baby is born

I understand feeling like birth is a private thing between the couple, but I also understand the thought that birth is something that is shared between a community of women, since historically men weren't even ever there in most cases. I obviously want DH there, but I cannot imagine not having my mom there, or my sister there. My mom has been through unmedicated childbirth, so I feel like she'd be a lot more sympathetic. For various reasons, I've never seen live childbirth, and probably won't before having kids, so I want my sister to see it.

[JessicaS]

I think the birthing mother should have whoever she wants. If you want your mom there your dh should probably just learn to accept that. Maybe your dh isn't aware of how long it can take?

If people are going to get the sulks though...yeah I wouldn't put up with that.

[Shazer]

Based on personal experience, if you have people who make you or your spouse uncomfortable, it will make for a more difficult birth. You and your birthing partner need to be as relaxed and comfortable as possible.

I asked my mother to come without my father to my attempted homebirth with DD. She brought my dad along and even though he stayed far away from me, the tension I felt rose dramatically. It added so much to an already hard few days (MWs pushed me into labor).

[thefreckledmama]

There always seems to be a lot of discussion about who will/won't be present for my births. The biggest drama was with my youngest. My niece (sister's daughter) had had a 103 fever the day before, and I wasn't comfortable with her or my mom (who they lived with) being around my newborn baby, so I asked them not to be there. Then my SIL ended up being there, because she was in charge of my 6 yo so she could see the birth and we could have a dedicated adult to tend to her if at any point she needed to leave the room or anything, and it created a whole bunch of drama.

My sister and I are no longer on speaking terms (totally unrelated), so her being present is a non issue. My mom and SIL are welcome, but are both a little worried about a me having the baby at home, so either of them may not be there. My best friend will be there, and she's volunteered to take charge of our other kids during labor/birth/after, which is wonderful.

Fortunately, my MIL has never been pushy about being present, because I doubt I would be comfortable with her there.

I think that whomever the mom wants present at the birth, should be. I totally appreciate that a dad might want it to be just the two parents, but quite frankly, it's mom doing all the hard work, and she should have whomever she wants there.

[FloridaBorn]

Ugh. I'm going through this right now. I want my mom there, but NOT my MIL. DH insists that she be there... in the waiting room or waiting in the car at the birth center, but THERE. I don't want her there at all while I'm laboring and don't want to hurt her feelings, but DAMN I know I'll want privacy and not the pressure of her being there even if she's just waiting in the car.

[khaoskat]

My IL's feel that it is their right to be at the birth of all their grandchildren.

I got so much flack when we told them in no uncertain terms "NO". MIL actually kept tabs on us and our house, I swear, all the time around my EDD till I went into labor. She also had a fellow employee who was a volunteer, and would tell her if I was there or not.

Thankfully, well ok not so happy it happened, she showed up about 1 hour after the birth. I was already cleaned up, and holding DS1 and trying to feed him. She happened to run by the house after her dialysis and her co-worker had called as well.

Needless to say, i was so thrilled when DS2 was born at 4 am, and we were at the birth center (8-12 hour stay). We told them we would be leaving the hospital by about 4 pm, and that neither of us had sleep the night before and we had everything to do that everyone else normally gets 48-96 hours for (newborn screening, lc visit, pictures, paperwork - birth certificate, etc). Our nurse even hung the phone up on SIL, because she wouldn't get off and put it on private so no one could call in.

With DD1 - (full term loss), born at extremely early hours as well, and we left after 6 hours.

With DD2 she was an emergent C/S. Even thought I was there 48 hours, not a single member of DH's family showed up. We had a few friends stop by (well, actually they were more there the night/day I had surgery). Since I wasn't coming out of it well, I had to have someone with me and baby. Surgery was over and in recovery by 3:30. I didn't start being alert and awake (I had a spinal) until almost midnight or 1 am. So, I needed someone to get baby for me, and DH was busy arranging child care overnight for the older two boys.

[akat]

Originally Posted by mclisa

You made me smile. What a great way to explain it to them that this isn't happening.

I don't have a MIL and my mom wasn't pushy. She wanted us to let her know when we were going in so she could be thinking about us. She let us know that she would take her time to get there because those first few hours are a special time for a new family to begin.

oh my gosh, can I *please* trade mothers with you?

[momz3]

I want my mom there....since it is our last baby...she is a special part of my life...but my husband is not having it...so idk..

[Shannie77]

My mom was there when DD was born. She offered to be there while I was in labour in whatever capacity I wanted - I think she had assumed that would be sitting outside and running errands if needed.

As it turned out she was in the room during my labour. I got to the hospital at 7cm - so she was with me for the 3 hours leading up to DD's birth. DH was definitely the main "coach", and my mom did not try to interfere at all. My mom however is extremely soft-spoken, passive and sensitive, so I wouldn't have expected her to act any differently.

Originally my DH was a bit put off the idea (and he loves my mom), but in the end it worked out wonderfully. When he had to do paperwork she was able to stay with me, and I think he was grateful to have someone to share the experience of seeing someone in that much pain. They still talk about how difficult it was.

If you really want your mom there, I would keep gently moving your husband in that direction. If your mom is a strong personality I would just try to make it clear that DH is in the #1 spot.

[newmommy7-08]

I originally did NOT want MIL there for the birth of DS. I told her fine to be there while I was laboring, but when it was time to push, or they had to check me, she had to go. She respected that. When it was time to push the midwife asked me if I wanted her to be asked to leave and at that point I didn't care and she stayed. With this pregnancy, she has been told that she is to STAY HOME w/ DS until we call saying we're going to push. Then she can start the hour drive there, but I'd prefer she not wake up DS to do it. We're pregnant w/ twins this time, so we'll be pushing in the OR and she won't be allowed in anyway. Besides that I need to know that DS is safe and happy at her house, not worrying about him being a terror in the waiting room because he can't go anywhere!

[MiaMama]

I hope that I remember reading this thread and others like it when my little girl is all grown up.

I hope I don't put her in a difficult position, having to choose between making me mad and her husband mad. I hope I can put aside my personal feelings and help her during a most amazing, but also sometimes overwhelming, time in her life in whatever way she needs me to.