Anyone else have conflict over who gets to see the birth? - Page 2

[laohaire]

I think there is a very clear hierarchy here.

1 - You
2 - DH
3 - Your mom

Now, if you really really wanted your mom there, for YOU, that's one thing.

But if you don't have a personal need for that, next in line comes your DH. Not your mom.

From the way you wrote your post, it sounds like this situation is the latter - you're fine with her there, maybe you'd even be happy to have her there. But you don't NEED her there. So between pleasing DH and pleasing mom, I pick DH. That's what my marriage vows are about, DH and I are a team now and we put each other before all others, even our mothers.

I always get riled and shocked when I read these very common stories about mothers insisting and crying and all that jazz. I can't IMAGINE feeling so righteous that I'd aggressively intrude on something like a birth. I can't IMAGINE making my daughter's birth about me in any way. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be at my daughter's birth. But my goodness, what happens to all these women that they do stuff like HANG UP on you over it? Are we all doomed to be like this? I'm far from being a perfect person, in fact I'm rather selfish, but this stuff is just beyond the pale to me, and yet I read about it all the time.

[laohaire]

Oh, about DH backing off about his stance. I wouldn't take it as a sign that he didn't really care after all. He is just feeling guilty because of your mother's total overreaction.

I think your DH is allowed to feel righteous in his preferences on this. Birth is a private event indeed.

For full disclosure, I had my mom at my birth. But my DH didn't object. If I had anther one, though, my mom is SO not invited

[jecombs]

Originally Posted by FloridaBorn

Ugh. I'm going through this right now. I want my mom there, but NOT my MIL. DH insists that she be there... in the waiting room or waiting in the car at the birth center, but THERE. I don't want her there at all while I'm laboring and don't want to hurt her feelings, but DAMN I know I'll want privacy and not the pressure of her being there even if she's just waiting in the car.

My MIL and her husband also wanted to be "in the waiting room" while I was giving birth to my first DD. They wanted to be called at the first sign of labor, so they could start driving here (it's a 5 hr. drive). I told DH "absolutely not" and I have never regretted that decision. Those first few hours as a new family are so precious, getting to bond together, holding the new baby, making those first few awkward attempts at breastfeeding. I'm so glad no one interrupted us. I gave birth around 6:00 AM and we allowed my Dad to come visit around noon (he worked in the hospital I gave birth at!). Then my Mom came around 4:00 PM. No one actually knew we were there until I called to say that DD had been born. So that's always an option, just don't tell anyone you are in labor or on your way to the hospital, then they won't show up! The ILs weren't invited to visit until DD was about 2 weeks old.

OP, have you thought about having your Mom with you during the early stages of labor, while you're still at home? That could take quite a while and it might give your DH a chance to rest-up before you guys head to the hospital or BC. It would also give your DH a chance to see what kind of role your Mom could play in supporting both of you during labor and birth. Also, if she had a bad attitude, you can always head to the hospital sooner rather than later to get rid of her. Or if she is wonderful, your DH could request that she go with you guys. Just a thought that might make a good compromise. Whatever you decided, I hope you have a peaceful and joyful birthing experience!

[GoBecGo]

My mother died before DD was even thought of, let alone born.

For me having a "mother" there who isn't the midwife would make me act more like a girl, when i need, in labour, to have my grown-woman panties on (or off) to get through. I strongly value the power of veto, and would grant DH that same power. When it comes to it DH and i, and the midwife will be there. DD, if she is awake, wants to be and can handle it is also welcome, as is XP who was with me at DD's birth and will be supporting DD, will also be around but not IN the birthing room.

I think assuming a pass to the birth is like assuming one for the conception. You have every right (and even i think duty) to protect your DH's feelings over your mothers in this regard. She has had her babies, this is his time. The starring role is YOURS, and the better he can support you the more smoothly it will go.

[LemonPie]

I agree with laohaire 1000%. Your mother has no RIGHT to insist that she be there and I'm betting your DH is backing down because of all the drama.

My mom was there for my first two deliveries. She was a good coach, but in retrospect I really wish I'd just had be DH and I both times. #3 was a c-section so DH was there but nobody else. If there is a #4 it will be just DH and I.

[Catubodua]

this will probably be an unpopular view - but shame on your mom for adding to / causing you any stress and for being so dismissive of your husband's feelings. i tend to agree that he may be "still thinking" about it in order to make you happy and to try to keep the peace vs really changing his mind.

as for us - the people who were there for the conception get to be there for the birth. i'm pretty sure we're not going to tell anyone it's even happening until it's all over and possibly even a few hours later so that we get good quality time as a new family before anyone else shows up.

[Jenica]

Originally Posted by laohaire

I think there is a very clear hierarchy here.

1 - You
2 - DH
3 - Your mom

Now, if you really really wanted your mom there, for YOU, that's one thing.

But if you don't have a personal need for that, next in line comes your DH. Not your mom.

From the way you wrote your post, it sounds like this situation is the latter - you're fine with her there, maybe you'd even be happy to have her there. But you don't NEED her there. So between pleasing DH and pleasing mom, I pick DH. That's what my marriage vows are about, DH and I are a team now and we put each other before all others, even our mothers.

I always get riled and shocked when I read these very common stories about mothers insisting and crying and all that jazz. I can't IMAGINE feeling so righteous that I'd aggressively intrude on something like a birth. I can't IMAGINE making my daughter's birth about me in any way. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be at my daughter's birth. But my goodness, what happens to all these women that they do stuff like HANG UP on you over it? Are we all doomed to be like this? I'm far from being a perfect person, in fact I'm rather selfish, but this stuff is just beyond the pale to me, and yet I read about it all the time.

I actually feel the same way about the hierarchy, which is why, when it came up I told my mom she couldn't be there. You are right in that I don't feel I NEED her there but then I'm a super independent person and really don't feel I NEED anyone there (I could see that this might be first baby naivety or maybe Hypnobabies is doing too good of a job convincing me how capable I am! ). My mom and I are super close though, so I would really like her there. But when DH was really adamant against it I was okay with going with what he wanted. Like you said, pleasing him is more important than pleasing my mom. I think at lot of marriages have problems because spouses don't put each other first so I was not going to do that in mine.

In defense of my mom, she never assumed she was going to be there, it was something we had talked about many many times and I had always said I wanted her there. That was before I realized DH would have a problem with it though. I think she was so upset because it was so unexpected. Plus she had been really looking forward to it. My dad passed away a year ago this month and my pregnancy has been a healing balm for all of us. My mom has had a hard time coping because the were married 40 yrs. The birth will be bittersweet for us but I think the new grandbaby will help my mom to be glad she's still alive, which hasn't been the case over the past year. So the fact that she's been on an emotional roller coaster lately kind of explains her huge reaction too. Another thing is DH travels for work every week and my mom is coming up to stay with us at 38 wks so I won't be alone in case I go before my EDD.

On to explaining DH... So DH and my mom always got along great in the past but got in a huge fight in September and were mad at each other for a while. They made up over Christmas and have become friendly again. Last time I talked to DH about who was going to be at the birth was in November when he was still mad. It didn't occur to me that their fight had anything to do with his feelings. I asked him last night why he had the change of heart and was now okay with my mom being there and he said his main reason for not wanting her there was because he had been PO'd at her. He said a small part had been that he was afraid he was going to be left out. When I was super sick with ms at the beginning of the pregnancy my mom came up and stayed with us to take care of me (DH was traveling then too so couldn't take care of me). He saw then how my mom was so great about knowing what I needed and he felt that she would know better than him in labor too and so he'd end up feeling helpless and like he was a bystander. So.... now that he and my mom are liking each other again and my mom made it clear she just wants to be a silent witness he's okay with it. I really don't think he's giving in because my mom reacted badly. He's got no problem telling my mom what he thinks (which was very clear when they were fighting, ha ha) and he definitely has no problem telling me what he thinks about her either.

[laohaire]

Well, that's good. Sounds resolved, then?

[Jenica]

seems to be! Phew. Dealing with family can be a PITA some times but I guess it's a necessary evil. I'm glad everyone is getting along again and I can stop trying to play peacemaker.

[MacKinnon]

I am glad everything worked out for you!

I have to admit, I have trouble understanding the drama that comes with these debates. My family, DH's family, our friends, were incredibly supportive of the fact that it was MY birth. It wasn't for DH to decide who was there, and that was his point of view. He actually wanted someone else for the first, because he was afraid of not being able to support me the way I needed. My best friend, a L&D nurse, and very supportive of my natural birth wishes acted as a doula. I wanted my Mom there as well, and in the end, my sister was there too. My BF and DH supported me and Mom and sis were quiet in the background. It was exactly what I wanted, and honestly, I don't care what DH wanted. I was in labor, I needed who I needed to support the birth I wanted. I'm glad there was no disagreement with DH, because I would have just said, nope, when you are pushing out a baby, you can decide who is there!