Originally Posted by Jenne
As someone who has lots of entire family in-law issues myself I think it is a great idea to talk with someone. I'm also going to second a previous poster who said that you and your dc can cut off contact but that doesn't mean that your dp has to nor that it needs to be a big dramatic announcement. This is your dp's family and while they are not behaving in the way you want them to (ie loving, warm, accepting which are perfectly normal and healthy things to want a family to function as) that does not mean that your dp doesn't have unconditional love (not necessarily approval for the actions!) for them or that she shouldn't be in contact with them. Being dramatic and announcing you will not be part of dp's family does not build up your own family. Instead you deomnstrate to your perseptive children that love is conditional. That if they act poorly or have beliefs you do not agree with that love will be withdrawn from them. I think it is just fine to not see inlaws. You have a responsibility to do what is right for your children. But these are not relationships where you see these people on a daily/weekly basis. 7 months is a long time, especially to a child, you won't be radically changing anyone's life by not seeing them for a year or two. Maybe in that time with dp maintaining the relationship and sharing her point of view and expectations there will be room for getting together.
Perhaps you and she could write some emails about your experiences and sadness to bil/sil. By stating your experiences but acknowledging their beliefs and asking how you can all peacefully and lovingly coexist may help open their eyes.
This is fantastic advice. There's definitely no need for a major announcement, and your partner can still have a relationship with her family. It also leaves the door open for future communication between all of you.
As for your daughter, she absolutely does not need to be around them. She's old enough to understand their rejection and to know that they don't care for her and that's just too hurtful for anybody.
I had a very similar situation, but I was much older when it happened. My stepfather's brother, his wife and his mother just don't like me. They decided to not like me from the first time they meet me when I was 14 years old. I was treated very coldly at their houses, often ignored and very often badmouthed. The last time I saw my "uncle" he refused to even speak or look at me for a whole weekend. It was decided at that time that there was just no reason for me to be involved with that part of the "family." My parents were still involved as much as they wanted to be, which frankly, wasn't all that much because of everything. Not seeing them anymore was an amazing relief.
I was a relatively confident teenager when this happened and completely understood that it really had nothing to do with me personally, that it was more their problem. I understood all the reasons they didn't like me (it boils down to them thinking I was a snob, you know, 'cause I liked books and did well in school--all of those "bad" things), but it was still very painful. To this day it still bothers me every so often, and it still smarts a little bit. I absolutely can't imagine being rejected in this way by "family" at a younger age. It's not a healthy situation and it can have a really long-term impact.