Does anyone have a SAHD?

[Hannah32]

I've been following this forum with interest, though our situation is a little bit different. My hubby recently finished an advanced degree but there is just NOTHING out there. He has sort of a quirky, journey-man background and despite the fact that I know people *way* less functional, dependable and responsible who hold well-paying jobs, we seem to be out of luck. Ahem. Rant over.

He is looking into temp work and has a seasonal job that he made extra money at last year. We're quite lucky to be doing ok on my salary, though it's not easy.

Are there any moms here with a SAHD hubby or any SAHDs themselves? I'd love to hear about your experiences, as we're headed in this direction. There's no point in paying for daycare on the work my hubby can realistically get at this point.

[doubledutch]

my dh is a sahd and i lurk on this board. i rarely post, since i'm not a sahm . . . but it's still interesting to me! there are many other people on mdc with a sahp-partner. if it doesn't make sense for us to have a thread here, maybe a "partners of sahp" tribe is in order? i've been wanting to connect too - so excited to see this thread!

[Altair]

Sortof-- he's with the baby guy all day while I'm at work, then we swap when I come home and he goes to work and I stay with him. It does work out well in terms of childcare, and their bond is absolutely incredible. But, it's very hard on us not seeing each other enough!

If he were to be home 100% of the time, like you suggest, things would be so much easier! With 2 people home at the same time one person can actually cook/clean while the other takes care of the baby!


I say go for it, happily... a Dad getting to stay home is an amazing gift to the child and father.

[mamakaikai]

I'm sahm now, but for a period of time, 9 months, my dp was a sahdad. With either me or him at home, it's pretty much the same thing. It's stay at home parenting, be it mama or papa. Of course, I had to pump so he could feed her, but aside from this it worked the same way it works now with me at home.

We've always been a couple who split house chores/responsibilities in half so it's been this way after babies too. Whoever is the sahp has as their main priority to take care of the child, and do whatever housework they can around that. But not because the sahp is at home do they become primarily responsible for house chores.

It was great for him to be home with her, they are very close and I am sure that helped. He'll be sahp for another 9 months for our next baby too.

Good luck! It's an awesome gift you give to your child when you can manage to raise them yourself.

[kdtmom2be]

My DH is home with the kids while I am at work... not full-time, but he works 4-on-4-off so he's home 50% of the time and I work when I can, usually around his schedule. He loves being able to be the primary care-giver once in a while and I love the break! The kids have a great bond with thier daddy and I'm glad that he's not a 9-5er.

[pokeyrin]

Edited by pokeyrin - 12/1/10 at 5:26pm

[mclisa]

my dh is a sahd.

He doesn't do things the way I would do them. He doesn't do things the way I would want them done.

He does things his way and I've accepted that. That's my best advice for you if you end up doing this.

I love knowing that he is home with the kids. He has a blast and they are fortunate to really know their dad.

[texmati]

My dh is a wahd. ! We've always been really equal in our parenting, minus the boobs. He is exeptional with DS, adn so am I.

We both stay out of each others way when doing things pretty much, except for when DS cries alot.

[Litcrit]

Me!

Well, DH has gigs once to twice a week in the evenings, but basically he's a SAHD. I work short hours so I'm also home most of the time. I love it!

[Marimami]

DD is almost 5.5 and DH has been a SAHD all along by design. He quit high tech job intentionally to do this. We homeschool now too. I work full time for a big high-tech company but I telecommute, and all my coworkers are across the country.

I think our situation is ideal for our family but hard on me. Mostly everyone we know is a SAHM family. So all those moms are great friends because they always see each other. They are great and welcoming to DH and DD but I am just in limbo. I rarely see them so my closest friends are also other working moms but we never seem to have time to get together much. I have had a very difficult time getting to know people that DH and DD see regularly. Everything else we have worked out pretty well so it is really just me having a life. (that is not to say that we don't have challenges still but we have learned a lot over the years.)

Holli

[Kristine12]

We are strugging with a similar situation. I had hoped (and planned my carreer) to work part time with our DD, but things just didn't work out that way. My husband has been a SAHD for a year now and it is tough. I try to recognize when I feel resentful that I have to work when I really want to be at home and not take it out on DH. I want to spend all my free time with her, but working overnights and only sleeping when she naps or goes to bed is leaving me exhausted. I feel guilty when I take any time to myself, and angry with myself when I am not as creative/playful/joyful as I would like to be. I feel isolated from the SAHMs around me, and from my predominantly male colleagues who have left their children with their wives or nannies.

That is just me. I have a wonderful, caring, loving, supportive husband. But, he never planned to be a SAHD. He is often frustrated and irritable with our 2 y/o, and seems to drop her in my arms and run away as soon as I come home. He has difficulty expressing it but seems to think that from his end of things all would be roses if he was working. He feels isolated from his friends too.

Of course, there are a lot of good things about having a SAHP - he does the shopping, bills, etc. And, he is always home when I am! (not so with dual careers) We know this is the best thing for our family, but it is a struggle. Good luck, I hope you find your balance.

[Anglyn]

Originally Posted by pokeyrin

Our situation is similar to yours and DH has been a SAHD since I returned to work after my 12 week maternity leave. We do ok on my salary (it's amazing when you learn to live with less) and it's really not easy but DH gets occasional work and so it's a nice influx of money. Currently DH is working on getting a degree as he is changing careers (free tuition through my job).

In the beginning it was tough as we had our own issues with situation. I was a new mother and had a hard time returning to work. DH is a workhorse and the type that needs to work. It was hard on him to not be able to contribute monetarily even though I told him every day that his contribution was THE MOST IMPORTANT thing in our family. Add to that mix family (mostly his) and friends (his) that really were not supportive at all and some just outright rude about it.

But once we got past all that BS what really mattered is our family unit and DH is an amazing father and DD is just so lucky to have this special time with him. Mother and child have a very special bond that fathers often are just excluded and unable to get a close bond. But DD and DH have an incredible bond and both are better for this experience and I truly believe this is a wonderful experience that will carry through positively for the rest of their lives.

DH does an equal if not better job than I do and he in many ways has humbled me as a mother and taught me many things about myself.

I agree. I feel like, even woh, I still have a close relationship with my kids, but dh did not when he woh. Now that he is a sahd the difference in his relationship with the kids is amazing and wonderful to watch unfold!

Originally Posted by Marimami

DD is almost 5.5 and DH has been a SAHD all along by design. He quit high tech job intentionally to do this. We homeschool now too. I work full time for a big high-tech company but I telecommute, and all my coworkers are across the country.

I think our situation is ideal for our family but hard on me. Mostly everyone we know is a SAHM family. So all those moms are great friends because they always see each other. They are great and welcoming to DH and DD but I am just in limbo. I rarely see them so my closest friends are also other working moms but we never seem to have time to get together much. I have had a very difficult time getting to know people that DH and DD see regularly. Everything else we have worked out pretty well so it is really just me having a life. (that is not to say that we don't have challenges still but we have learned a lot over the years.)

Holli

I know how you feel! I have some good sahm friends but never get to see them as by the time Im off work evenings and weekends, they can't or dont want to get together as thats their family time with dad, which I understand, but I can't join them for park day on wed mornings or play group on thursday afternoons and that makes me sad sometimes. Then again, a lot of my coworkers are childless or have grown children and they are all for getting together weekends and evenings...but not with kids, adult stuff which I don't do because I'm already away from my kids during the work day I WANT to spend time with them when I'm off, so it's challenging to find stuff to do with my friends that includes my kids. Yeah, I have no life of my own, but it's ok. Someday the kids will be grown and I'll be knocking back margaritas at happy hours and taking in midnight shows again....and missing my kids!! So I'm just trying to enjoy them while I can.

[BigC]

That's me. I'm a SAHD taking care of two little boys with a little girl on the way. My wife got her Ph.D, I didn't get mine. It is hard to make the transition. All that education did not prepare me to take care of the kids. Taking care of small children is hard work and emotionally draining. It is not what I thought I would be doing five years ago.

I also feel isolated. All of our friends have graduated and moved away and I find most of the mothers I encounter a bit stand-offish and judgmental. I've tried a mom's group but just didn't fit in.

That being said, I really do enjoy taking care of the kids. I get to be goofy and play with them. I get to watch them explore the world around them and teach them what I can. We can go fishing or take a hike in the woods any time we want.

[blizzard_babe]

(Weird, I thought I replied to this thread).

My DH has been a FT SAHD in the past (though he despises the acronym SAHD because it'd be pronounced... "sad"), and is now working part time, mostly in the evenings, and taking care of DS during the day.

He's not a playgroup kind of guy, so doesn't even want to take advantage of thing like that, but yeah. There's a certain sense of isolation when women want "girl time" as opposed to just providing kids with an opportunity to get together, regardless of the potty plumbing of the SAHP of the kids.

Interestingly, my sister's boyfriend is now a SAHD. I also know one other family doing the same thing. I'm not sure if it's a national trend, or I just happen to know a lot of people who are choosing to go in this direction.

[spicyrock]

My dp is a stay at home dad! He does freelance design/development work and goes to night classes; we both stayed at home until dd was 8.5 months old and then I went back to work full time.

We had always planned for him to be the sah parent. There are difficulties that I hadn't considered- I miss dd so much sometimes, and I have to check myself to make sure I don't get too resentful. Plus, I have to accept that he might not always do things the way I would do them, and sometimes he might not do some things as well as I would do them, to be honest- but in other ways, he is a much better choice to be the sah parent than I am.

Honestly, our biggest problem revolves around housework and chores. We are working on it, but it is hard for us to find a balance in this area.

With dd, however, dp is outstanding. They love each other so much, and it thrills me beyond belief to see the bond they have. I think it is worth every struggle we go through.

[MammaFaith]

Originally Posted by spicyrock

My dp is a stay at home dad! He does freelance design/development work and goes to night classes; we both stayed at home until dd was 8.5 months old and then I went back to work full time.

We had always planned for him to be the sah parent. There are difficulties that I hadn't considered- I miss dd so much sometimes, and I have to check myself to make sure I don't get too resentful. Plus, I have to accept that he might not always do things the way I would do them, and sometimes he might not do some things as well as I would do them, to be honest- but in other ways, he is a much better choice to be the sah parent than I am.

Honestly, our biggest problem revolves around housework and chores. We are working on it, but it is hard for us to find a balance in this area.

With dd, however, dp is outstanding. They love each other so much, and it thrills me beyond belief to see the bond they have. I think it is worth every struggle we go through.

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I returned to the working world when my DD was almost 1 yo. When we first discovered we were pregnant, we decided that one of us definitely wanted to stay home and that I had the better income-earning potential. He tells everyone that he has the best job in the world (which is true), but I do worry about him feeling isolated. He has another SAHD that he hangs out w/ regularly (although strong differences in opinion on parenting and nutrition are making the visits increasingly contentious). When he goes to the park or the zoo, most moms give him a very cold shoulder and generally treat him like someone to be leery of (what's a dad - w/ a happy baby - doing at a park during the day?).

I would advise to get very clear on housework responsibilities from the start. At first I told DH to just focus on the essentials of caring for DD and himself, food prep and laundering CDs while he and DD were getting used to the new arrangement. Then he could ramp up to other duties. Instead I have found that he spends spare time (including what I call "co-operative" DD time in which she's playing happily) surfing the internet. I'm not expecting to not have to do anything. I just hoped he could takeover the things I was doing as a SAHM, e.g., cleaning floors and bathrooms, washing and folding laundry. He just does not seem to think those things are important or that they are something that I should do on the weekends. I would not have a problem doing these tasks if he were actually too busy during the week. But I am not going to sacrifice my weekend leisure time so that he can spend hours on unproductive 'net surfing during the week. I have tried all the different approaches I can think of to gently persuade him to do more around the house. At the moment of the conversation, he'll get up and do some of the things I'm asking for, sulking all the while, but not change the behavior long-term. Sorry for the rant, but you could end up feeling this way if you don't get these things lined out.

All that said, he is wonderful with DD and though he does things with her differently than I would, I do not think one way is better than the other. And I do believe she benefits greatly from having such a close bond with both parents.

[Romana]

My husband is a SAHD and has been since I returned to work full-time when baby #1 was 8 weeks old. We have two now and are expecting #3. He's a great SAHD with one major flaw - he is a terrible housekeeper. So I find that I'm always trying to compensate, or trying to ignore, and neither works well (both make me feel resentful and I am stressed and tired enough as it is w/o having to do all the housekeeping, bill paying, etc. also).

That said, I wouldn't want to do it any other way, and we just keep working on the issues that exist. My husband has a hobby-type job he does from home (writes articles for a website on a personal interest of his) that makes peanuts (maybe $30/mo?) but keeps him doing something other than just babies/toddlers/preschoolers.

I've found that having the SAHD has resulted in having kids who have a very close relationship with both parents. They spend all day with him, and then when I come home, attach to me like leeches. So we share parenting duties as much as possible and we have always shared housekeeping duties.

As for MammaFaith's rant, I hear ya. My husband and I did lay out responsibilities before I went back to work, and have been struggling with those issues for almost 4 years now. I don't know what to do about it, because he always agrees with me - agrees that he should be doing more, that x, y, or z should or should not be happening, or whatever. Yet there are no meaningful changes. At present we're trying to solve this problem with a major house reorganization that will result in a big playroom in the basement. I think this will help, but it's not going to solve all the problems. No matter what, he is simply going to have to do more.

He has a lot of excuses . . . kids are too time-consuming, or there isn't anywhere to put stuff, so it is necessarily messy - but then why am I able to clean, tidy and organize? Why is it that I can get things in order, while watching kids, and he apparently can't? It's maddening. Sometimes I just want to throw all our "stuff" away but I know he would hate that, so I don't do it.

Fortunately my husband was never interested in meeting other parents of young kids socially, so our total failures at finding a playgroup for dd were not a big deal. Instead, we got a gym membership and the kids both love the gym daycare. I wish I had more mom friends, but all the mothers I know who are even vaguely like us in terms of parenting or lifestyle choices are SAHMs and it's hard to stay connected.

I know I'm griping a lot, but really we are very happy. The housekeeping issues are just a work in progress - more of an issue now b/c I'm pregnant and nesting. I really wouldn't want to do it any other way, and am so happy the kids get to have a SAHP, which was always a priority for us.

[MammaFaith]

Originally Posted by Romana

As for MammaFaith's rant, I hear ya. My husband and I did lay out responsibilities before I went back to work, and have been struggling with those issues for almost 4 years now. I don't know what to do about it, because he always agrees with me - agrees that he should be doing more, that x, y, or z should or should not be happening, or whatever. Yet there are no meaningful changes. At present we're trying to solve this problem with a major house reorganization that will result in a big playroom in the basement. I think this will help, but it's not going to solve all the problems. No matter what, he is simply going to have to do more.

He has a lot of excuses . . . kids are too time-consuming, or there isn't anywhere to put stuff, so it is necessarily messy - but then why am I able to clean, tidy and organize? Why is it that I can get things in order, while watching kids, and he apparently can't? It's maddening. Sometimes I just want to throw all our "stuff" away but I know he would hate that, so I don't do it.

Sounds like I need to just accept things as they are and stop stressing about it...which I've been trying to do, but knowing that I'm not the only one somehow helps.

[pokeyrin]

Edited by pokeyrin - 12/1/10 at 5:31pm

[MammaFaith]

Well, Mammas, I don't know what combination of actions and words did it (or if it directly had to do with me at all), but DH finally snapped out of his "only doing the essentials" routine in the past week. The only thing new is praising him for what he does do beyond just saying thank you. Perhaps he was just feeling underappreciated. I've also been trying to make sure I clean up after myself better. He's not necessarily doing more of the standard house chores, but he is spending much less nonproductive time on the computer. That was the main thing that bothered me. He's been fiddling with different projects around the house and getting DD out of the house more. It's amazing how much this has reduced our friction in the evening. He seems happier at the end of the day, I'm happier b/c he's happy and b/c I can tell he was busy, and DD seems happier, too! He also seems to be enjoying time w/ DD even more. I theorize that's b/c she's not being so "clingy" b/c she's wanting him to play w/ her instead of surf the 'net (him complaining about her being clingy was code to me that he wasn't interacting directly w/ her enough).