Sounds like she's frustrated from the pain of the molars coming in, starting to want more independence, and figuring out the limits/rules of the house.
With DS (21 months), if he's whining for something he can't have I put it out of his sight and distract him with something else (get down on the floor and act silly, ask him to help me find his ball, etc...). When he hits I say "gentle" and show him how to touch my arm gently. He hardly ever hits anymore, but when he does he gets one chance to be gentle, then I'll stand up or distract him with something again.
Navigating this stage can be tricky! I love these notes I took from "The Science of Parenting", written by the director of London's Center for Child Mental Health:
-In the first few years of life, you child’s reptilian and mammalian brains will be in the driver’s seat – emotions and primitive impulses will overwhelm him at times. This is not being naughty – it is a fact about the immaturity of the human infant brain.
Six main reasons for bad behaviour:
1.Tiredness & hunger
2.Undeveloped emotional brain
-In young children, the higher brain is still very undeveloped, which means they can’t inhibit their primitive impulses to lash out, bite, or run and climb things all the time.
-The glutamate system in the frontal lobes enables us to have clearly defined thoughts & intentions. This system only starts to develop in the first year of life, so infants and toddlers lack the sophistication required to be deliberately naughty or manipulative.
3.Psychological hungers
-Stimulation hunger: the brain registers understimulation as stress, prompting people to DO something to increase their arousal state. Adults turn on the radio; infants head-bang or crib-rock; toddlers run around screaming.
-Recognition hunger: this makes a child seek attention. Children need lots of attention for healthy brain development, and will instinctively turn to bad behaviour if good behaviour isn’t doing the trick.
-Structure hunger: Children need the structure of clear house rules and clear routines.
4.Needing help with a big feeling
-A big, painful feeling activates stress chemicals in a child’s brain, so ear-piercing outbursts are often a child’s way of relieving tension.
-If we help children deal with these feelings, instead of criticizing them for these lower-brain-triggered emotional outbursts, we can help their higher brain to develop the nerve pathways essential for natural regulation of feelings.
5.Picking up on your stress
-The right prefrontal part of a child’s brain can pick up emotional atmospheres in milliseconds. Children are deeply affected on a bodily and emotional level by stress or unhappiness in their family, while if you are calm, chances are your child will be as well. If there is tension in the home, your child may be unbearable.
6.You activate the wrong part of your child’s brain
-If you shout and issue endless commands, you could be activating the primitive RAGE and FEAR systems in the mammalian and reptilian parts of the brain. Lots of play, laughter and cuddles are likely to activate the brain’s PLAY and CARE systems, releasing calming opiods.
There are two types of tantrums, each needing a different response.
1.Distress tantrum (DT): you need to move toward the child with comfort and solace.
2.“Little Nero” tantrum (LNT): you need to move away from your child.
Brain activity is different between the two types of tantrums
- DTs: your child can’t think or speak clearly because his upper brain functions are hijacked by primitive emotional systems – all he can do is discharge his emotions.
- LNTs: Little Nero is using his upper lobes to produce behaviours that are calculated and deliberate, to get an intended result.
Distress Tantrums (DTs)
-DTs happen because essential brain pathways between a child’s higher brain and lower brain haven’t developed yet – these are necessary for managing big feelings.
-As a parent, your role is to soothe your child during these tantrums. If you get angry, he may stop crying, but this may mean that the FEAR system has been triggered, or he may have shifted to silent crying, which floods his brain with toxic levels of cortisol.
-When a child has a distress tantrum, you can see real anguish in his face – he needs comfort.
Handling DTs:
-Use simple, calm actions, or provide a simple choice.
-Distraction – this activates the SEEKING system, triggering high levels of dopamine, which reduces stress and triggers interest and motivation.
-Hold your child tenderly – only if you are calm though. Your mature bodily arousal system will help calm her immature one. You must feel calm and in control in order to help bring her body and brain back into balance, and release calming oxytocin and opioids.
-Some children prefer that you sit next to them, talking gently, as this allows them freedom to move.
-Avoid using Time-Outs during a DT. You wouldn’t walk away from a friend in emotional distress, so this is certainly not appropriate for children, who have far fewer emotional resources than adults, and who need your help establishing effective stress-regulating systems in the brain.
-Avoid putting a child in a room on his own. Although this may stop vocal crying, he may continue to cry internally – this silent crying is a worrisome sign that the child has lost faith that help will come, and in some people, this loss of faith can stay for life.
-Remind yourself that a child’s stress is genuine. A two-year old who screams because his toy was snatched is reacting to pain – a sense of loss activates the pain centers in the brain, causing agonizing opioid withdrawal.
-If DTs are repeatedly punished, the child switches off feelings of hurt because they are no longer safe to have – which has negative impacts on managing feelings in adulthood.
Little Nero Tantrums (LNTs)
-A child having a LNT doesn’t experience or show the anguish, desperation or panic that characterizes the DT, and doesn’t have stress chemicals flooding his brain and body.
-There is usually an absence of tears, and the child is able to articulate his demands and to argue when you say “no”.
Handling LNTs
-Do not provide an audience – if you are absolutely sure your child is not having a LNT, simply walk out of the room. It’s no fun if no one’s watching, so the LNT will stop.
-Don’t try to reason, argue or persuade – attention and words reward negative behaviours, taking your one step farther toward setting up a hot temper as a personality trait.
-Don’t “kiss it better” – this teaches that you reward rage with love.
-Do not negotiate – this is also rewarding controlling behaviour. If a child discovers that rage works well in manipulating parents, he may continue to use it in adulthood.
-Give clear, firm “nos”, and try to manage your own rage.
-Deal firmly with your child’s commands. Give a clear, firm message about commands being unacceptable as a way of getting what you want.
-Distinguish between an LNT and a DT. Sometimes this can be difficult because one can run into the other. i.e. You say no to a LNT command – this “no” could cause your child grief, sending him into a grief reaction. If you feel his grief is genuine, he will need help with his feelings. The message is “I won’t respond to commands, but I will help if you are in pain”.
