concerns about co-sleeping with husband

[SilverFish]

i'm sure other people have had this issue, but i've just recently decided to commit to co-sleeping when my little girl arrives, so i'm kind of new to the whole idea.

i haven't really discussed it much with my husband... he knows we're not getting a crib and sticking her in another room, but other than that, i'm afraid to bring it up in case i get an answer i don't want!

basically, my husband is kind of a baby (ha!) when it comes to sleeping. I LOVE sleeping with him... i'm a real cuddler and love our time together in bed. he on the other hand claims he hasn't had a solid night's sleep since we started sharing a bed (although he also loves the pre/post-sleeping cuddling and chatting). i don't take this too seriously because a) who does sleep 100% solidly through the night? it seems pretty normal to me to be woken once or twice, either to pee, or get a drink, or by a noise or whatever. and b) every time i wake in the middle of the night, he seems to be sleeping pretty soundly... so it's not like his complaint is that he never gets "good" sleep, but that he wakes up. finally, when he does get woken (by me, or the cat or whatever), instead of finding a quiet place to sleep, he'll get up and sit at his computer for a few hours, and then complain of being tired all day.

basically, he's not very patient or relaxed when it comes to sleeping issues. when our cat first came to live with us, OMG you should have heard the storming around that went on cause the cat woke him up. i hear lots of people talking about how their partners sleep in another room or in another bed to facilitate co-sleeping, but i'm not really willing to give up on that part of my relationship... even though i think that co-sleeping with my daughter will be a very important part of our bonding (and ME getting enough sleep). i'm not sure if i could prioritize one relationship over the other.

i worry though that if we do have issues with co-sleeping, he will move out of our bed, or not be supportive of keeping her in ours. i'm probably worrying about nothing, but does anyone here have experiences of having to convince their partner that co-sleeping was worth the work? if your partner sleeps in another bed, how do you get adult cuddles and talking time? do you think that maybe some of the benefits of co-sleeping are lost because it's not happening as a full family unit?

[KBean]

My husband is very supportive of co-sleeping, but we don't all co-sleep together. We have a crib-size mattress on the floor next to a twin size mattress in our son's room. My DS sleeps on the crib size, I sleep on the twin size and my husband sleeps in our (mine and his) room.
We sleep this way because of our work schedules. Although I would LOVE to be a SAHM, that just isn't possible right now, but we do not want our son in daycare either. We work opposite shifts so we can take care of/raise our son ourselves.
My husband and I get cuddle time/lovin' time in when our son is napping during the day or in the early evening (after DS goes to bed, but before we go to bed). I always co-sleep with our son at night, DH sleeps with him during the day for naps. Although we do miss sleeping together as a couple, we both agree that the benefits of co-sleeping with our son outweigh the cons of not sleeping as a couple. This is such a short and precious time in our son's life and we will have the rest of our lives to sleep together as a couple.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Only speaking from my personal experience, if your husband has a problem with being woken up, and is impatient and unsympathetic about it, you should figure out what your sleeping arrangements are going to be NOW before your baby comes. My husband was NOT supportive of co sleeping when DS2 was smaller. Now, after over a year of middle-of-the-night fights (And I don’t mean arguments. I was shocked DS1 was able to sleep through us yelling at each other) I have found a system that works, and he has learned to live with it. It involves me sleeping with the baby on a makeshift bed in his room if he wakes up. Sharing the bed with the baby and my husband all night, or even part of the night was really taking a toll on both of us.

I could be completely off my rocker. But if it were me, knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t fluff it off and worry about it after the baby comes. You might be blessed and your baby is a fantastic sleeper, like my DS1. But if he/she ends up like my DS2, prepare yourself for some creative musical-bed playing. Especially if your husband is as immature about sleep as mine is.

[sarahtdubb]

If I were you, I would put the thought in his head, but not stress too much about making a plan just yet. You don't know what your baby is going to be like, and I don't think it's worth fighting it out before you know what you're dealing with. For instance, my son would only sleep on our chests for the first 7 weeks, so we very quickly had to adjust our expectations of what nighttime was and how we would handle it (my hubbie was game for anything, luckily). But my friends' baby hates being held and wants to sleep on her own, so all of their plans and products for co-sleeping were for not, because the baby really doesn't like being in bed with them.

If you have a baby who wants and needs to cosleep, I think it'll probably make life better for your husband anyway to have it in the bed! What sounds more disturbing at night--a baby rustling a bit to wake up mama and get milk, or a baby crying from a crib across the room, requiring someone to get up out of bed, etc?

Also, this is just the very tip of the iceberg of conversations two people have to have in order to find the ways to parent together. so you may as well dive in and start the conversation!!

[FraggleLover]

When DS was born he and I slept together in another room so my husband could get some sleep. This was during the wake-every-hour-on-the-hour phase.
I needed to know my husband was functioning and he needed his sleep to do that.
When DS started sleeping for 2 to 3 hour stretches at night we moved back to one bed.
It was not what we planned from before but nothing ever is.

[SilverFish]

thanks for your thoughts, guys! i know i need to talk to him about it, i just feel a little bad because i'm a bit opinionated when it comes to stuff like this, and i feel like i've already made a lot of "demands" when it comes to how i want to raise our baby. i guess if he doesn't really have any beliefs one way or another, it's not a big deal, but i know i'm doing things differently than just about anyone in his family (or mine for that matter)... he's been pretty willing so far, just afraid i'm going to run out of luck!

fragglelover, that's a good point about moving back once the baby is sleeping longer stretches. i really shouldn't think of it as an all or nothing.

i think i'm going to bring it up sort of quietly (tried it out last night after my sister and i accidently got into a fight about her letting her 8 week old cry himself to sleep... ugh, that sent shivers down my spine)... now i just have to give him a couple days to process and digest, and then bring it up again. and i think i'll try to plan out a seperate sleeping area too... our couch is a bit small for comfy sleep, and otherwise we only have an airmattress for guests.

thanks again... any other suggestions or experiences people have with this would be greatly appreciated!

[Ravenlunatic]

How nice to be thinking ahead. For me once the baby came my priorities switched. As with most mama's they went with the baby 100%. I am lucky enough to have a DH who understands that need and drive. Hopefully your DH will be patient and insightful and after some sleepless nights (because he will have them) you guys will have new perspective and be able to work through your questions and concerns.

I actually don't think any amount of planning or worrying before baby arrives actually prepares you for the experience and change your life will take. The best advice that I can think of is to not worry so much what will or won't be but to make sure you both know how you will resolve conflict.

[directmommy]

definately address your worries and concerns before the baby gets here, with our first DD i assumed to co sleep , my husband bought a barnd new crib, though our tiny house at the time didnt have room for it , and we never ever used it
i co slept with her from minute oneand she was much happier for it, later about a year and a half , he told me it was nice, cause he never really got woken up with her,
our twins are 2 weeks old now, and yes they have a bassinette, but they sleep with us, we have a king sized bed, so its all ok