what do you do when they flat out just don't listen to what you are saying?

[snoopy5386]

DD is 3.5 and we have these times where she will ask for something that I can't deliver at that moment and it is like she just won't hear what I am saying. Today for example - we were driving home from preschool (where she'd eaten a snack) and meeting DH for lunch. We were about 10 mins from his office.
DD: Mommy I am really hungry, I want a snack
Me: I'm sorry sweetie, I don't have any snacks today, we'll be having lunch with Daddy in a few minutes
DD: this time in an angrier voice - I want a snack, give me a snack RIGHT NOW!!
Me: I don't have any snacks with me, I can't give you a snack right now, you will have to wait until we get to Daddy's office
DD: In an even angrier voice - GIVE ME A SNACK!!
Me: Can you hear the words I am saying to you?? I don't have a snack to give you, you will have to wait, we'll be at Daddy's office in a few minutes
DD: NOOO I can't hear the words you are saying, I want a SNACK!!!

At this point I just shut up. She was quiet for a few minutes, but then started up again and I just ignored her for lack of anything better to do. Otherwise we would have ended up in a screaming match. Mind you she had just had a snack about 30 mins beforehand. I usually do have a snack/water with me but sometimes I don't - I forget or think we just won't need it. This has happened several times. It also happens at home when I can't get her whatever she needs instantly. If she has to wait at all, she just keeps asking and bugging me until I can get her whatever she needs no matter how many times I tell her she has to wait. She just doesn't seem to get the waiting thing. Is it her age? or???? What else can I do?

[RiverSky]

I would say, "Oh sweetie, it sounds like you are hungry. Or are you more thirsty?" If my daughter kept asking repeatedly like that, I would think she really was hungry, since 3 year olds go through all kinds of huge growth spurts. I would likely stop and get her a drink/snack if there was any place on the way. Next, I would make sure to always have snacks in my purse, something less perishable like a granola bar or container of raisins or crackers.

BTW, I don't actually think she wasn't listening to what you were saying. I think you weren't listening to her enough. I think her tummy was probably hurting her and she needed food.

[snoopy5386]

Thanks. I get that she was hungry - but frankly, even if I did have a snack I may not have given it to her. We were literally minutes away from a healthy nutritious lunch that she would not have eaten if I had let her fill up on crackers or pretzels in the car 5 mins before we got there. In the time it would have taken to stop and get something we could been at our destination. I also think at almost 4 she should be able to wait 10 minutes to eat if neccessary. If we were at home and dinner was going to be ready in 10 mins I would make her wait then as well - or offer her carrots or fruit, which I didn't have with me in the car. I do almost always carry a snack like I said - but we all forget things from time to time.

[liliaceae]

I think you did fine, and yes I think it's the age. I don't think 3 year olds quite get that the universe can't always bend itself to their will.

[LynnS6]

It sounds to me like you were trying to make her understand that you had no food. When I try to do this, it usually escalates it with my dd. She's understood that I have no food and rejected my reality. Arguing my point will not make her more rational.

So, I tell her once that I have no food, and then as a pp suggested, I acknowledge that she's hungry. That gets at the emotion/frustration she's feeling.

DD: Mommy I am really hungry, I want a snack
Me: I'm sorry sweetie, I don't have any snacks today, we'll be having lunch with Daddy in a few minutes.
DD: I want a snack, give me a snack RIGHT NOW!!

Try instead:
Me: Wow, you're really hungry. I'm sorry I don't have a snack.
DD: Give me a snack now!
Me: You sound really hungry. It's hard to wait. (If you're feeling playful, you might add: Do you think you could eat a whole elephant?)

If she persists, then I usually just stop. Because any further engagement just makes both of us mad. At least when I quit talking, only one person is having an argument!

[liliaceae]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

It sounds to me like you were trying to make her understand that you had no food. When I try to do this, it usually escalates it with my dd. She's understood that I have no food and rejected my reality. Arguing my point will not make her more rational.

So, I tell her once that I have no food, and then as a pp suggested, I acknowledge that she's hungry. That gets at the emotion/frustration she's feeling.

DD: Mommy I am really hungry, I want a snack
Me: I'm sorry sweetie, I don't have any snacks today, we'll be having lunch with Daddy in a few minutes.
DD: I want a snack, give me a snack RIGHT NOW!!

Try instead:
Me: Wow, you're really hungry. I'm sorry I don't have a snack.
DD: Give me a snack now!
Me: You sound really hungry. It's hard to wait. (If you're feeling playful, you might add: Do you think you could eat a whole elephant?)

If she persists, then I usually just stop. Because any further engagement just makes both of us mad. At least when I quit talking, only one person is having an argument!

Or I should just say

[sunshadow]

My daughter is younger, but when she starts in like that I answer her a couple of times and then say something like "I am sorry you are so hungry and I didn't bring any snacks this time. I have already answered you and if you keep asking I will not be answering." I guess you could try asking her more open ended questions if anything to get her to stop repeating herself until you get to your destination. I think you reallly did fine though. You kept your cool and that's what matters.

[Kuba'sMama]

Hi!

My daughter is a bit closer to 4. She is also persistently testing boundaries like this. Oddly, if she were acting like this (and she has, many times) my first thought wouldn't have been "she must be starving", especially if she just had a snack 30 minutes ago. I wouldn't feel at all apologetic for not having a snack handy either. Is that cold?

I would simply say "you had a snack a while ago and very shortly we will have lunch" and then depending on her attitude I might either pleasantly change the subject "daddy will be SOO happy to see us, won't he?" or just let her know that the topic on 'SNACK NOW was finished.

It's perfectly fine for them to know that they can wait a couple minutes, I'm not talking hours. And they will not starve

[ArcticRose]

I am new to this portion of the board, so maybe I am missing something.

Why is it ok for a 3yo to speak to her mother this way? It is not ok for anyone to speak to me this way. Angrily demanding things from me will not achieve the desired result. Letting a 3yo make angry demands does not teach her to respect her mother, let alone anyone else.

I would have answered her first request, explaining that we would be eating in a few minutes, but further discussion would be denied. Change the subject, be playful, whatever you need to do, but don't let her argue or make demands.. let alone acquiesce to her demands, especially when they are unreasonable.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by ArcticRose

I am new to this portion of the board, so maybe I am missing something.

Why is it ok for a 3yo to speak to her mother this way? It is not ok for anyone to speak to me this way. Angrily demanding things from me will not achieve the desired result. Letting a 3yo make angry demands does not teach her to respect her mother, let alone anyone else.

It's not OK for my kids to talk to me that way, but I also know that when my kids' needs are not met, it's not the best time for me to be trying to teach them anything. Since discipline = teaching at the core, I need to make the assessment (as the adult) as to whether anything can be learned right now. Hence my advice to acknowledge the feeling, and then ignore.

In this situation, the mom cannot give her anything, so it's not like she's going to learn that angry demands get her a snack.

Part of my response is also based on the developmental stage. Most 1 year olds are incapable of using words while experiencing strong feelings. 2 year olds can use words when they're upset, but they're not going to be able to change their speech to be more polite. 3 year olds are better, but really the most I'd expect would be them adding a "please". The child in question here is 3, is frustrated and not in a space to be learning about polite language.

My kids are 5 and 8. I expect, and demand, polite requests. When they make a rude request, I ask them to rephrase. If they can't, I model and ask them to repeat. Most of the time, they ask politely. (Dd asked this weekend, "Mom, can I have some apples cut up in a bowl so I can eat them downstairs please?" ) Sometimes they forget. And then I remind them. Sometimes I forget, and then they remind me .

[heartmama]

Why is it ok for a 3yo to speak to her mother this way? It is not ok for anyone to speak to me this way. Angrily demanding things from me will not achieve the desired result. Letting a 3yo make angry demands does not teach her to respect her mother, let alone anyone else.

It is not okay. However, it happens. At 2 and 3, it is almost certain to happen at least a few times.

I would have calmly said once that I did not have a snack, stated calmly that I do not want her to use that voice towards me, and ignored further screaming completely. You were driving. You knew if you engaged with her you would wind up in a 'screaming match'. I have read that some parents, who find screaming distracts driving, pull over and sit in silence until the child has screamed themselves out, then proceeded onward. You need to be safe. When it gets to that point the best strategy is not to engage. If you were home, you would have had more options.

I think you did fine.

[maciascl]

Originally Posted by Kuba'sMama

Hi!

My daughter is a bit closer to 4. She is also persistently testing boundaries like this. Oddly, if she were acting like this (and she has, many times) my first thought wouldn't have been "she must be starving", especially if she just had a snack 30 minutes ago. I wouldn't feel at all apologetic for not having a snack handy either. Is that cold?

I would simply say "you had a snack a while ago and very shortly we will have lunch" and then depending on her attitude I might either pleasantly change the subject "daddy will be SOO happy to see us, won't he?" or just let her know that the topic on 'SNACK NOW was finished.

It's perfectly fine for them to know that they can wait a couple minutes, I'm not talking hours. And they will not starve

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by ArcticRose

but don't let her argue or make demands.. let alone acquiesce to her demands, especially when they are unreasonable.

Personally I've never understood this idea. How exactly do you not let her argue? The only option is not to argue back, but I certainly can't keep my children from making a demand. They're people, not robots. My only response is to model for them the way I'd like them to behave. I have refused a request because it was made as a demand, but saying "conversation over" just isn't useful in my experience.

[3*is*magic]

Originally Posted by ArcticRose

I am new to this portion of the board, so maybe I am missing something.

Why is it ok for a 3yo to speak to her mother this way? It is not ok for anyone to speak to me this way. Angrily demanding things from me will not achieve the desired result. Letting a 3yo make angry demands does not teach her to respect her mother, let alone anyone else.

I would have answered her first request, explaining that we would be eating in a few minutes, but further discussion would be denied. Change the subject, be playful, whatever you need to do, but don't let her argue or make demands.. let alone acquiesce to her demands, especially when they are unreasonable.

I am NOT new to this board, and I actually feel this way, too.

Though I am wise enough at this point to know that you cannot stop someone from arguing with you . In our family, after 2 or 3 replies of "I'm sorry kiddo, I don't have a snack to give you but lunch will be in a few minutes", further demands for food (especially when the last snack was 30 minutes ago and lunch was imminent) would be met with silence or a "So, who did you play with at school today?". A snack 10 minutes before lunch and 30 minutes after the last snack is not a need. It's a want.

[mamazee]

Whether or not it's "ok" is irrelevant. This is how kids this age act. The question isn't whether it's OK, it's how we handle it when it happens.

There isn't always a solution to things like this. Kids that age don't have an easy time waiting, and they speak their minds. Their language abilities are far beyond their social graces. All you can do is empathize, "I understand you're hungry right now. I wish we were at the restaurant eating right this second." I like the playful thing too, like "are you hungry enough to eat a whole elephant?"

[crittersmum]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

It sounds to me like you were trying to make her understand that you had no food. When I try to do this, it usually escalates it with my dd. She's understood that I have no food and rejected my reality. Arguing my point will not make her more rational.

So, I tell her once that I have no food, and then as a pp suggested, I acknowledge that she's hungry. That gets at the emotion/frustration she's feeling.

DD: Mommy I am really hungry, I want a snack
Me: I'm sorry sweetie, I don't have any snacks today, we'll be having lunch with Daddy in a few minutes.
DD: I want a snack, give me a snack RIGHT NOW!!

Try instead:
Me: Wow, you're really hungry. I'm sorry I don't have a snack.
DD: Give me a snack now!
Me: You sound really hungry. It's hard to wait. (If you're feeling playful, you might add: Do you think you could eat a whole elephant?)

If she persists, then I usually just stop. Because any further engagement just makes both of us mad. At least when I quit talking, only one person is having an argument!

'Loved this!

If there's no reason for her to be hungry then maybe she's not really asking for a snack? Maybe she's frustrated with something that happened to her that morning and wants to get a bit mad...or something.

I love the book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk and one of my favourite tricks is to "give the child what she wants in fantasy." It's amazing how well it can work. Something like, "Oh, I wish I could give you a snack! I'd give you an elephant sundae with a cherry on top! Or a pizza as big as an airplane! What would you like on your airplane pizza?"

Having said all that: you did just fine (and I hope you all had a terrific lunch!).

[skreader]

In addition to the listening and validating and rec for "How to talk so your kids will listen..", I have tried the "give into the fantasy trick" and it was useful. In my case it was hot and the kids were thirsty and we "jammed" on the idea of diving into large glasses of icy cold soda, etc etc.

Here's another strategy, if that one fails.


1) Pull over & stop the car

2) Look into your child's face (maybe hold her hand) and say very seriously and calmly something along the likes "It sounds like you're hungry. But no snack is going to happen right now. We can get something later (name time period). Until then you'll have to be patient.

If you continue to whine and nag, all that is going to happen is that I will get more and more irritated. That's not safe for driving.

Then I'll have to stop the car again and it will take us even longer to do the errand and get a snack.

[peaceful_mama]

I have a child who does this with the bathroom sometimes. I am fairly sure it's cause she knows she will get attention. I just keep saying "We are almost there." (And of course I take her to the bathroom before we leave, but still sometimes she just does this. I've only actually stopped and ran her into a gas station in town once.) to me that's the equivalent of your kid having eaten not long before getting in the car and she's got 10 mins. to wait till you get there.
It would take a pretty "epic" tantrum to make me pull over for anything.

[elisheva]

ITA with PPs about How to Listen So Kids Will Talk...love that book. The "I understand you're very hungry. I wish I could give you the biggest snack ever!!" strategy doesn't always work with my 3 y.o. I try that first and I ultimately I say "We've already had this conversation and I'm not having it any more" or "What's Mommy's answer to that question?" I find that ds1 almost always hears me - he just (as a pp put it) "rejects my reality".

[Lolagirl]

Originally Posted by BrandiRhoades

Personally I've never understood this idea. How exactly do you not let her argue? The only option is not to argue back, but I certainly can't keep my children from making a demand. They're people, not robots. My only response is to model for them the way I'd like them to behave. I have refused a request because it was made as a demand, but saying "conversation over" just isn't useful in my experience.

I wonder if what the PP meant was more along the lines of not letting the child turn their demands into a nasty fight with the parent. I agree with offering sympathy to the child in a situation like this, but when the tone becomes nasty I do also tell my kids (who are currently 4.5yo) that I don't appreciate them yelling at me and/or calling me names simply because they are angry.

If they still haven't become too upset with me I will also try to use the discussion as a teaching opportunity to talk about manners and empathizing with others (gosh, I hope you can understand that I really do wish I had a snack for you right now, but would you like it if yelled at you and said mean things to you because I was angry? I didn't think so. You know, we are on our way to meet Daddy for lunch, and once we get there you'll have all kinds of yummy food options so you won't be hungry anymore...) And then I would try to distract the kid by changing the subject, but if that didn't work I would then disengage and refuse to continue with a pointlessly circular argument.

Honestly, as my kids have gotten older I have noticed that the empathy discussion does help them better understand that yelling at others and/or namecalling is simply not the right way to deal with others. Of course ymmv.