what do you do when they flat out just don't listen to what you are saying? - Page 2

[annekh23]

I rarely stop the car, it's both a case of not allowing them to be in control and on several of our regular trips, limited places to stop, other than the actual destination.

With a 4.5 and a 6.5 year old, they are capable of being dangerously distracting, so I first ask for silence as I can't concentrate on driving, if that isn't done, I threaten punishment and try and think of one I can implement in an age appropriate time span, then, if necessary, I turn the radio on and turn the volume up, I've only had to do that once and I've never used it as a threat, but it did work!

[ssh]

My DD is starved after preschool. They play outside after snacktime, so if she ate her snack she is still really hungry. I probably would have said "I know you're hungry, I am too. I can't wait to eat lunch with daddy." I also try to say yes, even if it's followed by a "in just a minute", a "as soon as we can get there" or "next time". A "We can go to the park as soon as it's warm enough. I want to go too." works much better than a "I'm sorry it's too cold and snowy today for the park." even though I would really be saying the same thing. Maybe as soon as we say "I'm sorry...." our LOs know we're going to deny them and they get to upset to listen.

[WorldsBestMom]

Well with my little girl. I try to talk to her by breaking things down in a simple manner that she can understand why I say do this or do that or don't do that.. I try to let her know the reasons why she needs to obey and listen to what I have to say and the consequences of her not listening. I let her no also that I am not being in her little mind "mean" but I am helping her to grow into a beautiful young lady. Its better than yelling which I am try to work on.

[Surfacing]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

It sounds to me like you were trying to make her understand that you had no food. When I try to do this, it usually escalates it with my dd. She's understood that I have no food and rejected my reality. Arguing my point will not make her more rational.

So, I tell her once that I have no food, and then as a pp suggested, I acknowledge that she's hungry. That gets at the emotion/frustration she's feeling.

DD: Mommy I am really hungry, I want a snack
Me: I'm sorry sweetie, I don't have any snacks today, we'll be having lunch with Daddy in a few minutes.
DD: I want a snack, give me a snack RIGHT NOW!!

Try instead:
Me: Wow, you're really hungry. I'm sorry I don't have a snack.
DD: Give me a snack now!
Me: You sound really hungry. It's hard to wait. (If you're feeling playful, you might add: Do you think you could eat a whole elephant?)

If she persists, then I usually just stop. Because any further engagement just makes both of us mad. At least when I quit talking, only one person is having an argument!

Sometimes I pretend to make her the desired snack/drink in the car while we are driving. Imagination sometimes soothes for awhile.

[Ell-Bell]

I have found that empathy and playfulness can alleviate a lot of these conflicts. Sometimes it can be hard to remember those things in the heat of the moment, especially when you're also concentrating on driving.

I would have initially explained that I didn't have a snack, and that we'd be at daddys soon. Then if my child persisted, I would have gone with one (or all!) of these reaponses until something switched.

"It sounds like you're REALLY hungry! I can't believe I forgot to bring a snack today. Silly mommy! What was I thinking!?! I must've left my brain in my purse. Have you seen it?"

"Wow, you must really be hungry today! If you could eat anything in the whole wide world what would it be?"

"You're really hungry! I am too. I wish we had a magic refrigerator in the car that would make whatever we wanted. And a microwave, too! We'd need a bigger car!"

Usually when I show that I understand his feeling, my son (almost 4) relaxes. Then making it silly sort of changes the subject in a playful way.

[sgmom]

Originally Posted by mamazee

Whether or not it's "ok" is irrelevant. This is how kids this age act. The question isn't whether it's OK, it's how we handle it when it happens.

There isn't always a solution to things like this. Kids that age don't have an easy time waiting, and they speak their minds. Their language abilities are far beyond their social graces. All you can do is empathize, "I understand you're hungry right now. I wish we were at the restaurant eating right this second." I like the playful thing too, like "are you hungry enough to eat a whole elephant?"

[_betsy_]

3.5 is such a hard age, I'm finding!

DD1 will sometimes do this. If we were in the car and on the way to lunch, I'd probably say "I know you're hungry, I am too. Remember? We're meeting Daddy for lunch at XYZ. Won't that be fun? Do you remember the menu there? What do you think you'd like to order for lunch?" If that seems to work, I'll ask what she thinks I'm going to have for lunch, and no matter what she says, I'd go totally silly and say something like "Hmmm, I was really in the mood for a crocodile sandwich with a side of wooden grass. But, your idea sounds good too!"

Or at least, I'd like to think I can muster up the energy and imagination needed to be playful and fun on the spot.

With a baby in tow, too, it can get really, really loud in the car. At those times, I remind them that I'm driving and need to concentrate, so I need them to quiet down. If that doesn't work, I change the noise level - either turning on a CD (right now, we're loving Laurie Berkner's "Victor Vito" in the car) and singing along until they settle down, or turning it off if it's just adding to their noise level. If all else fails, I play with their windows. I have NO IDEA why this works so well, but it makes a crying baby/very young toddler quiet almost instantly, and my almost-3.5 yo DD loves it as well. Of course, I can't rely on this method much right now, being a bitterly cold winter, but if I do a quick crack-the-window-open-and-then-close-it a couple times, it usually works.

Sometimes, I think my DD1 is just "in a loop" - she has something in mind, and that's all she can see or hear, think about or do. Not just words, but sometimes running in a circle around the coffee table. I have to physically remove her and get her actively involved in something else to "jog" her out of it.

[ckumelos]

I think the issue lies in the practice of acquiescing as well as the specific situation at hand. If you almost always have a snack in the car and give it to her on demand, why would this time be different. She has been in control of this situation for most of her life and expects to remain in control. It is a hard life lesson for every human being (and their parents) to learn that the universe does not always act the same when we treat it the same.

She is learning from you a good life lesson in calm and respectful treatment.

[D_McG]

IDK if I think people are reading way too much into this or if I am a lazy parent. But to me a rude 3.5 year old gets a sharp response. "We already had this discussion. Please don't ask it again". If the angry/rudeness continued I would warn that maybe we'd be better off going home instead of to meet Daddy if he couldn't get himself together to be polite. And I would follow through if I had to.

I think doing the whole elephant thing just kind of enables the behavior. Frankly I don't want to joke about elephants with a yelling 3.5 year old (I have a 3.5 year old ). That kind of attitude just isn't tolerated.

OP - I think you did fine!

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by D_McG

IDK if I think people are reading way too much into this or if I am a lazy parent. But to me a rude 3.5 year old gets a sharp response. "We already had this discussion. Please don't ask it again". If the angry/rudeness continued I would warn that maybe we'd be better off going home instead of to meet Daddy if he couldn't get himself together to be polite. And I would follow through if I had to.

I think doing the whole elephant thing just kind of enables the behavior. Frankly I don't want to joke about elephants with a yelling 3.5 year old (I have a 3.5 year old ). That kind of attitude just isn't tolerated.

OP - I think you did fine!

It's all about whether you are focused on the behavior, or whether you are looking past the behavior at the reason for the behavior. In my parenting, I try to look past behavior at the reason for it. In this case, hunger and (normal for the age) impatience.

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by mamazee

It's all about whether you are focused on the behavior, or whether you are looking past the behavior at the reason for the behavior. In my parenting, I try to look past behavior at the reason for it. In this case, hunger and (normal for the age) impatience.

I look at the reason for it, too. Hunger and impatience may be a reason for the behavior but it's still not to be tolerated/entertained.

eta: and yes - I am focused on the behavior. That's what I have to deal with. That's what other people observe. That's how my DS represents himself in the real world. It's what people judge him on. I want him to have no confusion as to what's acceptable.

[mamazee]

It isnt' about tolerating or entertaining, it's about understanding. And if you take caer of what is causing the behavior, you almost always take care of the behavior.

[Pepper44]

When my 3.5 year old DD acts like that I will tell her the truth--I understand you're very hungry but we don't have a snack right now and we'll be at the restaurant very soon. If she starts yelling rudely I'll let her know that she's being rude and that's not the way we talk to each other.

Depending on how she is I might also try to make it playful, because often that distracts her long enough for us to actually get to where we're going and then we are both laughing.

Sometimes she's acting that way for another reason, like she's really tired or upset about something else. If she's not able to speak rationally or laugh with me then I will just stop answering rather than continue to provoke her.

I think 3.5 year olds have a difficult time with reality sometimes. Today my DD was convinced that I could make Max and Ruby come on TV even though she knew it wasn't on right now. (I showed her!) She started screaming at me, I reminded her that we don't speak to each other that way--I don't scream at her and demand things, she shouldn't do that to me either. I offered alternatives to Max and Ruby, fail! So I just walked away...after about five minutes she was happily doing something else.

[claddaghmom]

DD does this when she has a need such as going to the bathroom, thirst, hunger, fatigue, etc.

It seems I have two choices and I try to choose based on the exact circumstances.

1) Distract, redirect, distract, goof around, whatever it takes to distract lol.

2) Focus on the upcoming event that will meet the need.


In your case, I might have done #2 and tried something like, "Look, we're at X street! Only 2 more minutes until we get to eat with Daddy! What do you think he will order? What are your fave foods? Do you want crayons at the table?" Etc etc.

I think saying it twice is the limit. After that, it's called arguing and there's no reason to argue with someone who is hurting, confused, tired or hungry.