Dealing with MIL's sexist comments?

[HeliMom]

Hi all,
My MIL is a "traditional southern lady" (her terms), and I honestly believe she means well and loves my daughter, but she is always making comments that I find really sexist and constraining to my daughter.

Some examples:

1)We are in Home Depot (I'm buying some supplies to fix our sink) and there is a little boy in a another shopping cart... "Oh DD just loves flirting with that boy."(my daughter was 3 mo old at the time and not even paying attention) "You're gonna have lots of boyfriends aren't you?" She says my daughter flirts every single time there is a boy anywhere near my kid!

2)She's always calling my daughter "delicate" and saying how it's such a shame that since she's a girl my husband will have no one to roughhouse with. (I come from a family of all women and let me tell you we were very rough)

3) Removes toys from my daughter when she is visiting that are "for boys" and mocks me when I dress my daughter up in neutral colors. (mind you she has tons of pink she wears too (mostly gifts from hubby's side)

And on top of that she has really bad body issues, that I'm hoping she won't pass along to my daughter but I can kind of see it starting... She'll wonder out loud if my daughter is going to be fat when she get's older because she's so chubby now. My daughter is 9 months old! Rolls ARE NORMAL!!!!! phew...

She's a very sensitive person who gets really defensive if I were to come at her bluntly. That's not really my style anyway. But how can I get her to be more neutral about my kids gender? Oh how can I get her to at least stop with the "flirtation" thing? That really gets me wound up.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Do you live with your MIL? If not, I wouldnt worry about anything getting passed along to your daughter. If you do, I would take the stuff she says with a grain of sand. Like you said, shes a "traditional southern lady". Heck, Im from the NE, and most women from that generation, and quite a bit from this one, have said atleast on of those things. I might even be guilty of a something along some of those lines.

[NiteNicole]

If she's not someone you see often, I would ignore it, but it sounds like you have a lot of contact and she will be a big influence. I know one of my grandmothers was a HUGE influence on me. She was trying to help, and I know this in my bones, but she heavily contributed to my having food and body issues (but I will say this again, I know she was trying to help and I'm not mad about it or anything).

I think you have to just cut her off and change the subject. It sounds like she's got visions and dreams of what being a grandmother with a grand daughter is going to be like and she's going to push them. Even if she means well, I hate that the whole "flirting" crap gets pushed on girls so early. I buy my daughter dolls, but I hate the idea that she shouldn't play with something because it's a boy toy. That's just so limiting and she'd be miserable!

1. "Please don't say that. I don't want to force that kind of stuff on her...hey, can you remember your recipe for (insert recent dish here)? We've been craving it."

2. "All kids like paying rough sometimes?"

3. "All toys are for all kids" and "On no. Random strangers might not guess she's a girl. Whatever shall we do" and change the subject.

To me, there are a whole lot of grandparent issues that are not worth fighting, but things that will influence how my daughter thinks about herself (for instance, my daughter tends to get chunky before a growth spurt and my mom wanted to comment on it. I put a end to that and I will not budge) - yes, I will say something. It's important to figure out how to do it without getting sucked into a "conversation." I don't think you need to explain why or feel like you need to convince the other person - this just gives them the idea that they get a vote or that their opinion on the issue matters. Say what you need to say and change the subject.

[lynsage]

I could let some of that stuff go if I really didn't want to hurt MIL's feelings, but the taking "boy" toys away from her? Uncool on so many levels!

I would immediately confront that and simply say, "she was playing with that" or something similar until MIL got the point. I would also gently correct the body image comments. Better to get her out of the habit now before DD knows what she's saying and internalizes it.

[MaterPrimaePuellae]

I agree about gently correcting her some of the time. I think the body issues are especially important to address-- maybe saying something like, "Mil, do you realize how many girls these days have eating disorders? I would really like to be very careful even at this young age," etc. If that seems too confrontational, maybe you could bring it up at another time. Like, at lunch:
"I just heard that one of my friends (or their child or whomever) has an eating disorder, and it really made me think about all the pressure society places on girls. I want to work very hard to keep that pressure off of DD as long as I can-- what do you think?" She can hardly say, "Oh, no, I think eating disorders are healthy." Then, the next time she says something which you think is harmful, you can gently remind her of the conversation.

Re: the "flirting," . I HATE it when people say things like that about babies, or when they refer to their infants' "boyfriends" or "girlfriends." You can probably get away with nipping that in the bud pretty easily-- maybe even pin in on your husband. "Wow, Dh and I don't even want to think about that for another fifteen years or so, MIL!"

My MIL is not quite as bad, but she does have some set-in-stone preconceptions about what boys and girls "should" act like (we recently got into an argument in which she argued that boys are genetically predisposed to like trucks. I guess the first couple thousand years of human history were pretty rough on those unfulfilled boys... )

[MoonStarFalling]

I wouldn't let it slide. It only takes one time for something to be said for your daughter to pick up on it. At this age...seriously, that is a real problem. Who comments about a baby flirting or having boyfriends or being fat?! This is a huge issue I would not let it go any further. I would address each issue as they come up. "Actually, no, my daughter can play with any toy she wants" and I would totally add on "or GIRLfriends" the next time she comments about boyfriends.

[HeliMom]

Originally Posted by MoonStarFalling

I wouldn't let it slide. It only takes one time for something to be said for your daughter to pick up on it. At this age...seriously, that is a real problem. Who comments about a baby flirting or having boyfriends or being fat?! This is a huge issue I would not let it go any further. I would address each issue as they come up. "Actually, no, my daughter can play with any toy she wants" and I would totally add on "or GIRLfriends" the next time she comments about boyfriends.

That's how I feel, that it's all just a sign of things to come. I've tried responding matter of fact-ly, because I don't want to upset her I've tried to remove the emotion/disgust out of my voice. I've said things like "I loved dinosaurs and sharks when I was a young girl. Whenever I'd go to the aquarium I'd spend hours identifying and talking about them, so maybe she's like her momma."

I kind of just get ignored. Or ignored with a smile.

The weight thing is freaking me out, because MIL really has such a hard time with her own looks. She's a former beauty queen, and I think never realized that she is more than a pretty face/body. I really think she has a lot more to offer than her looks and southern charm. However I can see where her low self esteem comes from.We have big family gatherings a few times a year and her sisters talk about her "cankles" Her husband has on more than one occasion told her that if she takes one more bite he'll have to start sharpening the harpoon. Everyone laughs. I'm mortified. On top of that the woman is still very small compared to the avg american, I think she's a size 8 maybe. I'm actually pretty sympathetic to her issues, but I'm down right terrified she'll pass them along.

I like the idea about talking about how awful eating disorders are, I'll try that next time.

[Cherry Alive]

It depends how often the remarks come, but if she talks like that a lot, you are around her a lot and can't distance yourselves, I'd seriously talk to my DH about moving. My grandmother makes remarks like that, and I've seen how it impacts my mother, her siblings, and all the cousins who grew up near her. It's the worst especially for the female cousins who's lives she was involved with. They all have body image issues and eating disorders, and are stuck believing that they'd be happier "better" people if they could just land a man and get knocked up as soon as possible. It makes me very thankful my mother moved away so my sister and I weren't constantly subjected to that.

[rlmueller]

Things I can't let slide

As a victim of sexual abuse--the flirting thing is absolutely disgusting and I would not tolerate--but I'd be kind as I like my MIL.

Body issues I'd not tolerate but I'd be kind.

Taking baby toys from a baby--I'd not tolerate but I'd be kind

The delicate thing--"oh man, we did in my family!" with a smile

[intrepidmother]

My MIL says similar things. I don't like confrontation and the way I deal with it is through passive aggression. With the flirting comment, I would say to my LO (in front of my MIL) "you just love everyone, don't you!" and with the toys "you can like any toy you want!" I'd deal with the body issues in the same way by talking to my LO: "your rolls are so beautiful!" "

Anyways- I would start out by talking through my LO (my MIL does the same thing...) and if she persists, I say something directly to her.

I guess it depends on how important the issues are to you! Good luck!!

[nerdymom]

Can I just say ugh? I am thankful for a son, he doesn't get much other than a few "teach him to be a real man" comments. But if I had to deal with what you are? well, good luck. I'd enlist my DH to go talk to his mom, since they are very close. If it were my mom (not emotionally fragile at all) I'd tell her straight up "yuck mom don't say that". I hope you find a solution!!

[InMediasRes]

Originally Posted by intrepidmother

My MIL says similar things. I don't like confrontation and the way I deal with it is through passive aggression. With the flirting comment, I would say to my LO (in front of my MIL) "you just love everyone, don't you!" and with the toys "you can like any toy you want!" I'd deal with the body issues in the same way by talking to my LO: "your rolls are so beautiful!" "

Anyways- I would start out by talking through my LO (my MIL does the same thing...) and if she persists, I say something directly to her.

I guess it depends on how important the issues are to you! Good luck!!

Can I just point out that practicing passive aggression, and modeling it for your children, is not a great rule, IMO. Even if you have a problem with confrontation, the person you're addressing deserves to communicate with you directly. I have seen the results of life-long passive aggression, and it is not pretty.

Please be direct and kind, even if it is difficult for you.

[AliciaP8]

Originally Posted by HeliMom

1)We are in Home Depot (I'm buying some supplies to fix our sink) and there is a little boy in a another shopping cart... "Oh DD just loves flirting with that boy."(my daughter was 3 mo old at the time and not even paying attention) "You're gonna have lots of boyfriends aren't you?" She says my daughter flirts every single time there is a boy anywhere near my kid!

My son dealt with this one with his grandfather and little cousin when he was about 8 years old. Little cousin was under 2 years old and grandfather was always commenting about him having a way with the women or flirting or something. My 8 year old said, "Poppa, how do you even know if he's going to like boys or girls yet?" Poppa who's pretty closed minded has NEVER brought up the subject again!

[pixiekisses]

Originally Posted by MoonStarFalling

I wouldn't let it slide. It only takes one time for something to be said for your daughter to pick up on it. At this age...seriously, that is a real problem. Who comments about a baby flirting or having boyfriends or being fat?! This is a huge issue I would not let it go any further. I would address each issue as they come up. "Actually, no, my daughter can play with any toy she wants" and I would totally add on "or GIRLfriends" the next time she comments about boyfriends.

Originally Posted by InMediasRes

Please be direct and kind, even if it is difficult for you.

Yes and yes. Indeed.

[majormajor]

Originally Posted by MoonStarFalling

I wouldn't let it slide. It only takes one time for something to be said for your daughter to pick up on it.

my MIL still remembers the time she reached for a second slice of pizza at 8 and her grandmother said "chubby girls should not eat two slices of pizza." it made her feel horrible and STILL makes her feel horrible.

it scares me that another person's comments have the potential to affect my children so much. i hope, though, that it's possible to raise them to have a positive enough self-image that these kinds of statements can't hurt them like that.

i agree with the person who said to be direct and kind (positive discipline for in-laws, i call it). maybe saying something like "when you say that she's flirting with that boy, i'm afraid that DD will believe she should flirt with boys. i don't think that's appropriate for a child, so i don't want to reinforce that kind of behavior." your MIL is probably just saying the things people around her always said, and probably doesn't think anything of it. but if you engage her in a conversation about it, she might be open to your perspective. it's ok to tell her that raising a girl in 2010 is a different job than it was 50 years ago! if you keep it in the vein of "times have changed," i think she'd be less likely to take your comments as criticism of the way she might have done things when she had small children.

good luck!

[~Katie~]

I have some similar issues with my MIL, mostly having to do with race/gender/sexuality. It has a lot to do with what she was exposed to growing up. I agree that being kind and up front about it is the best policy. If I were in your position, I may say something like "She's too young to be interested in boys or girls". If she says something about toys, I'd give it back to your daughter and explain that it's just a toy. My MIL made a comment about a little boy who played with Barbies and I just looked at her point blank and told her it's a toy, for pete's sake. She was pretty embarrassed after that because she realized how silly it sounded. Her comments about race and sexuality are not tolerated, she is often astounded by gay couples or interracial marriages and feels the need to point them out to me and my typical response is "yeah, so what?"

[~Katie~]

Originally Posted by majormajor

it's ok to tell her that raising a girl in 2010 is a different job than it was 50 years ago! if you keep it in the vein of "times have changed," i think she'd be less likely to take your comments as criticism of the way she might have done things when she had small children.

I think this is good advice. Maybe just explain that you're trying to do things differently and your reasons for doing so.

[Sarah W]

Originally Posted by MoonStarFalling

I wouldn't let it slide. It only takes one time for something to be said for your daughter to pick up on it. At this age...seriously, that is a real problem. Who comments about a baby flirting or having boyfriends or being fat?! This is a huge issue I would not let it go any further. I would address each issue as they come up. "Actually, no, my daughter can play with any toy she wants" and I would totally add on "or GIRLfriends" the next time she comments about boyfriends.

Exactly! It only takes once. As soon as she says something, correct her. I would let her know right now that she is not to comment on your daughter's weight, period. I also wouldn't let her remove toys from your DD, she can play with anything she pleases. There are no "boy" or "girl" toys.

ETA-She may be sensitive, but she certainly isn't shy with sharing her opinions with you and your child. I think you should respond in kind.

[SilverFish]

while i think that some of these topics are worth discussing in a more upfront way (especially if she continues to make comments about your daughter's appearance), it's also good to remember that your daughter will be much more influenced by you than by her grandmother, especially if you are very outspoken about girls being able to do anything, love anyone, look how they please, etc. i thought of my own grammie when you mentioned your MIL thinking she's only about her looks and charm, because my grammie acts like that a lot too. she's actually very very smart, but puts on a fluffy, "50's housewife" kind of act because i think she thinks she should. she was always very concerned about her weight and inflicted her eating disorders on at least one of her own daughters in a very tragic way. however, my mom is a very outspoken sort of person and i knew from a very early age that the way my grammie thought and talked about weight and appearance was not normal or healthy. my mom never directly confronted her (as far as i know), because we have a similar "sensitive" dynamic going, but even so, there was enough talk about healthy body image and healthy eating going on away from my grandmother that i never was overly influenced by her actions. as long as you keep up the conversation and dialogue at home about all of the many things that girls are able to accomplish, and so on, it's highly likely that your daughter will grow up to see your MIL's comments for what they are... untrue and airheaded.

still, doesn't hurt to keep trying to change her perspectives... if nothing else, for the benefit of future grandchildren who might not have the advantage of a strong-willed, outspoken mom!

[Comtessa]

Originally Posted by AliciaP8

My son dealt with this one with his grandfather and little cousin when he was about 8 years old. Little cousin was under 2 years old and grandfather was always commenting about him having a way with the women or flirting or something. My 8 year old said, "Poppa, how do you even know if he's going to like boys or girls yet?" Poppa who's pretty closed minded has NEVER brought up the subject again!

Good for him! Now there's a child who's had the advantage of some great parenting!!!