Dad that needs advice........HELP!

[litespeed]

Hi,

Let me introduce myself,
I am the proud father of a 2.5 year old girl, and adoring husband (12 years)
My wife is a stay at home mother and i work from home.
My office is in a separate part of the house and i try to remain there for the duration of my working day (6hours).

I am looking for some advice with regards to my child’s relationship with my wife.
First i will say that my wife is a highly sensitive person. She had a severe head trauma before i met her which left her with less control of her emotions than what is considered normal. She suffers from constant anxiety and OCD. She was raised in a very abusive household both physically and physiological by two parents that worked full time..Most of the time she remains emotionally distant from both me and our child.

I on the other hand had what i consider a very normal upbringing, I was raised mostly by my mother who was a stay at home Mom, she was very loving and caring and remains so.


So now the problem or not?

Today i was working from home and could hear my child crying then my wife.
I don’t usually interfere but i did go up to see what was happening.
It turns out that our 2.5 year old was pointing to my wife’s hair and mentioning that she didn’t like it(in her way), then started to cry. This is not new to us as our daughter has made it known that she doest like my wife’s hair for some time now. She has said it to me when i have had my hair cut but i usually just tell her that its my hair and i will do with it what i like. It doesn’t bother me at all.
My wife on the other hand feels very upset about it, today she said she going to have it cut very short because of our child’s comments. I told her i think that would be a grave mistake, unless she really wants to do it for herself. Also, lately our child has been communicating that my wife should go out to work and daddy should stay at home. Add to that Whenever our child is hurt or upset she almost always cries for me (her Dad). It is upsetting to me to see my wife in tears. I want to gain an understanding of this behaviour before it ruins their relationship.

I tell my daughter that it not nice to say those things and try my best to say it in a way that she could comprehend.

I feel this is her testing the emotional boundries.
Am i wrong or?
I would really appreciate any input that anyone has to offer.


Thanks.

[Luke's mama]

Nice to hear from a dad! Just want to send you some sympathy although I am not sure how helpful I can be. Do you think getting your wife to do some reading about toddlers and their capriciousness (is she hasn't already) like Happiest Toddler on the Block would help? I think this is a very useful book. Your wife's situation sounds very special so maybe it would be good to consult a family counselor, someone who could give her tools about how to engage/react to little ones since she doesn't have a loving model from her past to work from? It seems natural if she is distant with your child and doesn't engage that your daughter would want to attach herself more to you--I think that is to be expected.

[MeepyCat]

It's normal for children to prefer one parent to another, and it is common for them to prefer the more emotionally available, responsive and predictable parent. It is also *incredibly* hard on the non-favored parent, particularly when that parent is the primary care provider. My heart goes out to your wife here, as I'm sure anyone's would.

Your daughter has a preference, and she is trying to communicate it. Shutting that down is probably not a good idea, but it's a tough one to respond to appropriately - my DH has a lot of conversations with our toddler with content like "I like Mommy too, but she's not here. What can I do to help?" which is is great, helps kids get what they need... but you need a fair amount of personal equilibrium to do it.

I don't have a lot of time now, so more later, but have you considered a preschool program for your daughter? It might be an environment in which she could develop some social skills that could be usefully applied at home.

[ledzepplon]

I don't know what your wife's limitations might be considering her past head injury, but it sounds like some professional guidance from a therapist might be a good course of action. It must be so hard for her to live that way, and it's really unfair and unhealthy for your child to have a primary caretaker who is emotionally distant and volatile.

Since you work from home is it possible for you to arrange your hours so that you are working when your little one is sleeping and you can be there to help your wife with the parenting until she's feeling more confident?

Toddlers can be tough for anyone. s I hope you can all get some good advice to help your wife through her emotional challenges and bring more peace and joy to your home.

[kcstar]

I'm really not sure what advice I can give, other than sympathy.

My parents were emotionally and physically abusive. I've done quite a bit of counseling and martial arts to finally come to peace with that part of my life. The local women's shelter may have group therapy that your wife could attend, at no cost to you. That might help with the past history aspect.

One of the things I noticed soon after leaving home was that I had what I call a "tape" of things running through my mind, of negative things that were said to or around me when I was growing up. This made it hard for me to have / keep a positive self-image.

I also was very sensitive to what people said. It seems like I needed to get to a point where people accepted me for who I was, before I could be comfortable with non-acceptance. It's like, most of my time growing up I thought that I had to change to take care of whatever negative thing people thought I had. And it wasn't until I found acceptance that I could relax and say "I'm sorry you don't like that" without worrying or trying to change.

I also found that bodywork helped me a lot. Specifically, I practice yoga and martial arts. I don't know if martial arts would be a good idea for your wife considering the previous head injury, I would certainly check with the doctor and be sure the instructor is aware of any restrictions that may place on practice (for example, sparring might be out).

Gotta go

[litespeed]

thanks

Thanks for your responses, yes our situation is unique
My wife was a teenager before her accident and then a toddler again after awaking from her coma.
Part of the issue is her Memory; She has read many books and tries sooooo hard to figure it out. She does have moments of great clarity, we sit and talk for hours about the challenges of parenting, specifically with us. Her pregnancy has made things much worse.
I use to work outside the home 10 hours a day, I quit that job when i found out my wife was pregnant in anticipation of the monumental challenges that we faced. I now work 6am till 1pm at home and take over the care of our child at that time. My wife usually gets some much need rest or time to herself after 1 pm.

They do attend play groups and are now attending a smart start program.
I know that she has seen and commented on some of the other childrens behaviour but she forgets. Especially whe she turn in on herself.

I personally don't read any books and rely mostly on intuition and memories of my own childhood as a guide. There are times though when I will scour the internet as i did when i found this group.

My wife has had extensive therapy for her cognitive and emotional challenges, we have had couples counselling and yes she is on medication for anxiety and her OCD. I have also talked extensively with her DR who also had raised some concerns.

I have noticed patterns in her behaviour, she becomes emotionally distant when she is over tired, has spoken to her mother (whom i can’t stand) or a family get together is being planned with her family.

So knowing that, If i see she is getting over tired, i do extra duty,
If she speaks with her mother i have suggested she surf the net at the same time! so she isn’t really listening to the conversation. FWIW we are selling our home because we need distance from her family.

As for her friends, she has a couple of close friends, neither of which have children....yet.

After reading all the comments, i did some thinking and spoke with my wife about the Hair issue.

Our toddler does indeed play my wife’s emotions on days where my wife is very distant, ie, she spoke to her sister last night who just happens to be visiting next week and her sister is trying to plan a big family get together, wonderful l.

I have phoned a therapist and my wife will see her next week.

Kcstar, i admire your courage. Your spot on with what you said of your experience. Self image is a huge , huge thing. Her courage is another thing that is getting better.
I had no idea and certainly couldn’t comprehend what being raised in an abusive house can do to a child and how it can carry though generations of families. A truly sad reality of the human condition.
One that should be talked about more often.
Not the first woman in my life to have had such a childhood either.

I have a very hard time being around her parents with some of the things that i have learned and witnessed. The buck stops here though.
My in-laws will never and have never looked after their only grandchild.
It the way it is and the way it has to be. I won’t even go into why.

Our child is by all other measures doing excellent.
Every night after she is put to bed she acts out her day with a couple of her teddies, all of the emotional highs and lows that is. Then she sings herself to sleep.

When she is with other children she is cautious, as i was.
She hangs back and assesses the groups of kids etc.. Then she often chooses to play with some of the older children. a few years her senior.
She is a very gentle soul as described by all that know her.

Thanks again to all that responded

[kcstar]

I'm glad that has helped some.

One more thing, regarding the head trauma. As you have seen, some of that may never heal. My father-in-law also has head trauma and a spinal cord injury from falling off a roof. It may take some time, but perhaps my mother-in-law would have more insight into this aspect of your issues.

Is hiring a mother's assistant an option? I have a different family member who has had one of those pre-tax deduction dependent care accounts to help care for her husband.

Moving to get distance is DEFINITELY a good idea. It helped me immensely.

How often does she talk to her mother? When I realized that calling home left me angry and upset for weeks afterwards, I stopped calling. I cut them off completely for a few years while I learned how to establish boundaries.

[twinergy]

Maybe your family could benefit from some of the more playful approaches toward parenting. I'm not sure how exactly your wife's brain injury effects her memory, but I have found these playful techniques very natural to implement (not a lot of thinking involved.) They are not only great at helping connect with children, they can also help with discipline issues.
Original Play
Playful Parenting

ETA: If the playful parenting works for your wife and there is a specific behavior your DD needs help with, this forum is a great place to get solutions.

[PikkuMyy]

I'm a special education teacher who works with families who have kids with special needs. I'm going to think about this issue some more but my first thought was to try to help your wife recognize and remember that when it comes to things like your daughter's comments about her hair, two things come into play:

1. Children make wierd comments about people's physical appearance, and about who they like and don't like all the time to everyone. It's really not personal at all. My good friend is a nanny and I fill in sometimes when she's sick or can't do a weekend date. I love the kids and they love me. However, she's been their nanny for almost 3 years and is very bonded with her. This summer when I was watching the kids, the 3.5 year old told me that he liked me best. Why? Because I'm a "better knitter" than my friend is. (We both knit, and show him what we are working on.) Sure, I'm better than she is but that doesn't affect him in any way, and I don't think he likes me better than her at all, even without the knitting issue. Kids are just wierd that way. They'll also say things like "That's an ugly shirt", "your breath smells", "I hate you, you're the worst Mommy".

It really has nothing whatsoever to do with her capabilities as a mother, or her breath, or her shirt, or whether her hair style is flattering or not. And she definitely doesn't want to go down the road of changing herself to suit a toddler's opinions. That's a behavioral setup that will cause horrible problems in the future.

The most important thing when kids say things like that, is to react as little as possible so that you don't give power to the words. I'll say things like, "Oh, well I like this shirt", and drop the conversation. Or "OK" if they say my breath smells. Whatever. Then I'll turn their attention to something else.

2. As children grow from infants to toddlers to childhood years, they have a very strict stereotype (image) of what their parents look like, and any changes to this can be very confusing or upsetting. As they get older, they learn that the person is the same even when her hair changes, or she wears a new style of shirt, or gets new glasses. Daddy is still the same without his beard. But it can be tough until they get there. When you get your hair cut, you look different from her internal image of you, and she is frustrated but can't articulate that. Kids tend to go straight to "I don't like that" as a way of expressing that. I'd probably say something like, "Yes, my hair looks different. It was too long and tickled my ears, so I had it cut."

It might help your wife to come up with a couple of rote phrases that she could use when your DD says these things.

3. My last thought right now is that if your wife is often emotionally distant from your daughter, then the chance that she's going to say things to try to get your wife to react visibly are pretty high. Kids would rather have a negative reaction than none at all. Perhaps you and your wife could come up with a few planned times to discuss her emotions with the child. Like at dinner, I worked with a family who would discuss things that happened during the day related to specific emotions. For example, the mom would say, "Today I got really mad when a car in front of me drove too fast. I said some bad words and raised my voice. I was so frustrated, but next time I'll try not to yell." Then she'd ask the boys if they had any times in the day when they were mad. You could do this with any emotion as it sounds like it might be easier for your wife to talk about her experiences after the fact. Like, "Today when you told me you didn't like my hair, it made me sad. I cried. But then I remembered that it's just hair. We all have hair that we have to cut and everyone has different hair. I style my hair the way I like it, and we can style your hair the way you like it."

[litespeed]

I double posted this, not knowing where to post the question.
so here is the link for any future responses.

Thanks all

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...1#post14975038