Football, family, my son, and me - Page 3

[April Dawn]

I'm with you on this one, OP. I consider football inappropriate for young kids, mostly due to the violence - it just looks like people slamming each other into the ground - and the horrible commercials. I wouldn't want a toddler watching beer commercials and hooters commercials either! Is there anyone else in the family who doesn't like football, and would MIL be willing to set up a room for hanging out and playing without watching the game? Or can you just arrange a playdate for you and DS apart from the get together? You could even explain it away as wanting to give your DH a break and an afternoon to relax without having to worry about your DS.

[MaterPrimaePuellae]

I agree with velochic. Only you know how importan this issue is to you and your family. For me, it would absolutely be a hill to die on-- I feel pretty strongly about these issues. For me, though, the food would be secondary to avoiding the sports (which sounds like the oppposite of how you feel).

One of the reasons I really hate televised sports is because one of my earliest memories is trying to get the attention of my beloved grandmother and being totally ignored (the only time that ever happened) because she was watching basketball. And the only time she ever spanked me was because I turned off the TV while she was watching. So-- not a fan.

Finally, as other posters have said-- nasty Costco food is not traditional Italian food culture. My DD can eat as many pounds of cheesy pasta as her little heart desires, as long as it's real pasta and real cheese.

[velochic]

Originally Posted by 3*is*magic

I'd be really sad if my husband didn't make an effort to participate in a tradition that was very important to me and my extended family, even if it wasn't something that he loved to do.

IME, spectator sports are not a "tradition", they're a personal preference or hobby. It's like the "girls" getting together once a month to cook together and play bridge or have a book discussion. If your dh is miserable participating in that, would you really expect him to do so just because YOU like it and it's a "tradition" to you?

I'd hope that everyone allows their spouses to express their own opinions and join or not join based on their own personal preference. Hey, if your dh loves to cook and loves bridge, great, but to force him out of his comfort zone just to make you happy? I think that is where the OP is coming from... being forced out of her comfort zone because someone else is pressuring her. She deserves to be heard and respected.

[mama1803]

Originally Posted by velochic

IME, spectator sports are not a "tradition", they're a personal preference or hobby.

I completely disagree. "Traditions" can be different things to different people.

I grew up in the deep South where football is extremely popular. The "tradition" of Saturday night football for me had little to do with actually sitting in the stadium watching the game, but rather the comraderie and the get togethers that go along with the games. It is rather something to be out on a gorgeous fall day cooking and sharing food with your friends knowing that 100,000 other people are enjoying the same.

[betsyj]

IME, spectator sports are not a "tradition", they're a personal preference or hobby.

They are very much a family tradition. Especially college sports (GO BUCKS O H I O!!!). I grew up a passionate Cleveland Indians fan and still remember all the games we went to. I will be passing that on to my son. It may not be a tradition you or the OP thinks is one that should be passed on, but for many families it is a huge part of their lives.

I think she has a lot of good ideas to compromise and that she should compromise. We all have to allow our spouses to do some things we may not be crazy about.

My husband loves to golf. If he had his way he would golf every Saturday and Sunday. I HATE golf-it takes hours and hours so he is away from us and it is expensive as all hell. So we compromise. There are some Sundays when I shoo him out the door and tell him to go nuts. And there are some weekends where he does stuff with us and around the house all weekend because he knows that is what I would like.

I can not and will not insist that my DH and extended family follow a rigid set of rules at the cost of relationships and enjoyment. Everything in life isn't supposed to be good for you.

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 1/4/11 at 9:14am

[mommajb]

It cracks me up that the last week of December on MDC was all about too many gifts and now we are back to trying to distract our children with a few new toys. I'm not saying it is all the same posters, I am guilty of it too, I'm just noticing out loud.

[3*is*magic]

Originally Posted by velochic

IME, spectator sports are not a "tradition", they're a personal preference or hobby. It's like the "girls" getting together once a month to cook together and play bridge or have a book discussion. If your dh is miserable participating in that, would you really expect him to do so just because YOU like it and it's a "tradition" to you?

I'd hope that everyone allows their spouses to express their own opinions and join or not join based on their own personal preference. Hey, if your dh loves to cook and loves bridge, great, but to force him out of his comfort zone just to make you happy? I think that is where the OP is coming from... being forced out of her comfort zone because someone else is pressuring her. She deserves to be heard and respected.

It was my post that you quoted, but I've never mastered that whole "multi-quote" thing - I need to figure that out .

I guess I don't think this sounds like "the girls getting together" - it sounds like an important part of the OP's family's personal culture. And it's for a few months each year. I don't even think she needs to stay for the game each and every time. I suggested that she just go for the food part and then take off. It's important to her husband and his family - which, through marriage, is her family, too - and I think she should make the effort to be a part of that even if it's not really her "thing."

If I played bridge every month and it was the type of thing that all my closest friends and their partners and kids did together and my husband refused to go, yeah, my feelings would be hurt. I am happy to step outside my comfort zone when it's important to my husband and his family. I'd expect my husband to do the same for me (and he does.)

[TCMoulton]

Originally Posted by calpurnia

Can someone explain to me what it is that football "stands for"?

I was really wondering the same thing. My BIL played college football and now loves to spend a Sunday afternoon with his little boys watching the Bears play on tv.
I also am bot understanding what exactly "Costco food" is - we have shopped at Costco for years and they have a pretty decent selection of fresh fruits and veggies as well as a fair amount of organic food as well. Just because somethig was purchased at a mainstream chain or grocery store and not Whole Foods does not mean it is completely without nutritional value.
Personally, since this is obviously something your husband enjoys with his family, I would go and would bring a few things to distract your son if the game gets too exciting for him. I agree - this is not the hill I would choose to fight my battle on.

[rhiandmoi]

My family doesn't do golf, but we do basketball, baseball, football, heck even sometimes tennis. For DH and myself, we mainly do baseball and football, and we really get into it. I have learned though over the years, that explaining to someone why you like to spectate is like trying to explain why you like to breathe. If they don't get it, they just don't get it.

I agree with the PP who said the issue is not football, it's fan behavior. If you don't like spectacle, it is hard to understand how anyone else can. But clearly, many many people do, and it is not just something dumb low rent Americans do. Every culture has it's own form of spectacle.

On the issue about the OP's DH respecting her feelings on this. Dude gave up live tv and junk food at home. I don't know how much more respectful of her feelings he is expected to be. This is clearly a big part of his family of origins way of relating to each other, and dude gave up the majority of that experience with his own son.

Also, word of warning, if your MIL called a special meeting for this weekend, I'm guessing their team is in it. It will be especially boisterous. Whoever wins that game will play in the Superbowl, and that is a Very Big Deal.

[zinemama]

Football stands for professionalized violence, glorified on television.

Costco food stands for soul-less Big Box Retailer purveying pre-made items of dubious quality, as opposed to food prepared at home from fresh, local ingredients.

I'm down with the first definition. The second is what I'm reading into some of the comments.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by velochic

IME, spectator sports are not a "tradition", they're a personal preference or hobby.

I disagree. There's tons of tradition surrounding football culture. Even if they're not, though, that doesn't make them less important to the people who want to watch them.

Originally Posted by velochic

I'd hope that everyone allows their spouses to express their own opinions and join or not join based on their own personal preference.

I do agree with this, however. When I take this out of the context of football, I have faced a similar experience - still do, really. DH's family all loves sci-fi & fantasy. I don't. I've given it a good try, but I simply don't care for it. When we lived closer to DH's family, we were asked to go every weekend to their house, but in the end, we always sat and watched sci-fi movies.

I stopped going, and we were really honest about it. This was pre-kids, so DH and I just took 2 cars if I wanted to go visit (which I did pretty often). But everyone knew that when the sci-fi marathons started, I'd go find something else to do. It wasn't offensive to everyone. It became a running joke that I was leaving as soon as the TV turned on, but everyone understood when we explained that I just felt bored and disinterested sitting for hours with a movie on that I had no interest in seeing.

If I were you, OP, I'd do that, too. Be there for the social stuff but leave for the football. (I don't know what to say about your son because I don't think it's your call. You and your dh need to come to some mutual decision about what he's watching and when, and it doesn't sound as if you're on the same page now.)

As for food, take a fruit or veggie tray or some snack he likes. There's usually something at every football party that my LOs can eat, so I'm surprised there's absolutely nothing there that you will let them have.

At the very least, you're nearing the end this season, so you have a while to come to some decision about it.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by zinemama

Football stands for professionalized violence, glorified on television.

Costco food stands for soul-less Big Box Retailer purveying pre-made items of dubious quality, as opposed to food prepared at home from fresh, local ingredients.

I'm down with the first definition. The second is what I'm reading into some of the comments.

Sheesh. I buy organic whole-wheat noodles at Costco. I had no idea they'd be of dubious quality.

As for your comment about football, I think it's a common sentiment among people who don't understand it. Football isn't actually as violent as many other sports that are considered more high-brow. Football is uniquely American because it's about specialization and strategy - two things people in our culture love in many forms. As for what it "stands" for, that depends on the spectator. I watch my alma mater play because I love the university. Pro teams usually represent a kind of community unity, one that many people crave.

[MissLotus]

Originally Posted by BarnMomma

OP here again

Well, I'm going to go, but I'm going to ask DH if we can go just for the game and skip the meal. MIL wants everyone there at 1 to eat, I guess the game starts at 3. Just too long of a day and I have some things I want to do.

I'll feed DS before we go so that he's not hungry and I'll bring snacks.

I didn't know the season was ending so soon Just shows how in touch with football I am. I can put up with this for another week or two.

Just as a side note, DS will not be ignored by anyone, but there's just so much a toddler can do in one room for 5 hours. MIL's house is not large so there's really nowhere else TO go w/ DS. But I was thinking of picking up a few new toys and letting him have them when we get there.

I'm just concerned becasue DS LOVES his aunts, uncles, grandparents etc. which of course makes me thrilled, but as such he also imitates them with such determiniation. Screaming at a TV screen is not one of the things I'd like him to pick up. And DS has a memory like a steel trap and he forgets nothing.

I just think football brings out the worst in fans. Yelling, screaming, getting so upset when someone doesn't score. I don't see people acting this way during the world series or golf or whatever else. (Certainly no one does that at horse shows! lol)

But it's family so we'll go. I just wish MIL would have SOMETHING that DS could eat. SO many of you have mentioned costco carries organic items, well then she could pick up a few without havign to make a trip to Whole Foods. Crackers, cheese, something...

If you're putting in an appearance to show family spirit, I'd do the reverse... go for the meal, but skip the football so you and your son won't be bored. I wouldn't be so concerned about the food. I eat a healthy, vegetarian diet, but even I can usually find something during gatherings. If your son has a healthy diet most of the time, I promise he will not be damaged by Costco crackers.

I hate and despise football too. My ex constantly watches it around our son, and as we are divorced and I have no control over what goes on over there, I've had to let a lot of things go. That "letting go" has been a process as my son gets older, and I still have my moments, naturally. But seriously, you will drive yourself insane if you try to control it all. At the end of the day, if my child is healthy, cheerful, curious about the world and still loves me, that's what matters most. (Let's just not get into the the fact that my ex wanted to sign our son up to PLAY football at age 8.... which did not happen... but comparatively, just watching it seems mild.)

Also, you said, "And FYI, DH agrees with me that DS should not watch TV, he just tries to sneak it when he thinks DS is not watching." The having to "sneak" it part is concerning.... Honestly, if another adult told me what I may or may not watch, I would not be happy with that person. I don't really get the "live TV" restriction, but it seems like you both are not truly on board with the rules. And commercials... I get that they're gross and manipulative - and we mostly watch PBS - they're out there. Ads are on billboards, in magazines... there's no way to avoid it. I think it's more constructive to deal with it differently, simply explain to your child how that stuff works, than to just avoid it, because I promise you that in life, even in childhood away from you, your child will be seeing it all the time. If you are not a materialistic household, that will make a far deeper impression on him than being exposed to commercials.

I don't know. As someone with no family within hundreds of miles, I would just say that if overall you love your in-laws and they're good people, then you are very blessed and that cracker ingredients are not worth a second thought. If you don't like the football, and I get that, PLUS the fact that your son is too little anyway, then you'll simply have to stand up for yourself and say, "Less often!"

[MaterPrimaePuellae]

Originally Posted by zinemama

Football stands for professionalized violence, glorified on television.

Costco food stands for soul-less Big Box Retailer purveying pre-made items of dubious quality, as opposed to food prepared at home from fresh, local ingredients.

I'm down with the first definition. The second is what I'm reading into some of the comments.

I assumed she was referencing more like... the jumbo sized boxed of MSG coated chicken wings, or the caught/battered/colored in China fried shrimp, or the artificially flavored "party rounds." My MIL buys lots of stuff at Sam's, and a lot of what she buys for parties is prepared foods--like, potato skins that have three different artificial food colorings, nitrate-laden bacon, fake cheese, and corn syrup in them. POTATO SKINS.
I assume this is what the OP meant, because she said she was fine with the crackers until she looked at the ingredients.

[mistymama]

Originally Posted by mama1803

I completely disagree. "Traditions" can be different things to different people.

I grew up in the deep South where football is extremely popular. The "tradition" of Saturday night football for me had little to do with actually sitting in the stadium watching the game, but rather the comraderie and the get togethers that go along with the games. It is rather something to be out on a gorgeous fall day cooking and sharing food with your friends knowing that 100,000 other people are enjoying the same.

This is very true and outside of the south, I'm not sure people can really "get it" ... I grew up in California and yeah, we liked watching Cal play - had two sisters who went there too - but it's just not the same.

When I first moved back here and opened a bank account the first question I was asked was "Auburn or Alabama"?

It sure is a tradition here, and one that can be really fun at that. I don't like football that much. : But I LOVE college football Saturdays in the fall - it's about so much more than sports - it's about friends, food and being together.

Even as much as I love our traditions, I do put limits on it. We don't spend ALL day doing it - if there are lots of games on dh wants to watch, he'll go hours before us and ds and I will join later. Sometimes I pack food for ds because I know he'll eat it better & it will be healthy for him. I guess the whole "everything in moderation" theory comes in to play.

I don't expect people to understand just how important of a tradition something like college football can be - but it is very real in some parts of the country. And it can be a great experience, if you are open to it.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by MaterPrimaePuellae

Only you know how importan this issue is to you and your family. For me, it would absolutely be a hill to die on-- I feel pretty strongly about these issues.

I'm thinking that DH is part of her family.

Dieing on this hill could mean, if not divorce, driving a wedge into her marriage that can then play out in all sorts of insideous ways. So many couples end up just being annoyed with each other all the time and they can't even figure out why after a few years.

Actually, her MIL and everybody else at the game is *family* too.

Originally Posted by BrandiRhoades

Football is uniquely American because it's about specialization and strategy - two things people in our culture love in many forms.

yeah, My DH is British and we lived for awhile in Canada. The Brits have their soccer (Go Rangers!) and the Canadians have their hockey, and we have football. It's ours, and since my DH converted to being American, I've listened to him wax poetic about the virtures of American Football.

Pro teams usually represent a kind of community unity, one that many people crave.

It's true, and I think a little sad. We have so little sense of community left that the connection of cheering for the same team meets a need for many people.

It's also a comman laguage. My DH is an executive at an aerospace firm and talking about pro-sports is part of what soothes other converstions -- conversations with millionaire customers and shop floor workers. It isn't low brow or high brow -- it's universal.

Dh has a fantasy team in a league with a bunch of old friends who are now spread all over the country. It's a way that guys communicate and stay in touch. They aren't like us. They don't call each other and chat about their feelings!

Not long ago we bumped into an old friend who is from India. The guys just started going on and on about their fantasy teams! Neither of them grew up with American Football, but for many, many men, it's part of being American and living here and loving all things American.

Originally Posted by MissLotus

I don't know. As someone with no family within hundreds of miles, I would just say that if overall you love your in-laws and they're good people, then you are very blessed and that cracker ingredients are not worth a second thought.

Agreed.

My husband's parents are both dead and his siblings are on the other side of an ocean. My family is truly crazy and my kids therefore, don't really have grandparents or aunts and uncles. I think the OPer and her child are very lucky.

I think it great that the OPer is finding a way to save those connections but watch less football for now. (I think her MIL's house every single sunday would drive me nuts too!)

Originally Posted by BarnMomma

I didn't know the season was ending so soon Just shows how in touch with football I am. I can put up with this for another week or two.

I find this odd. I'm not a fan of football myself, but my DH likes it. I find it odd that you know so little about something that is fun to your husband and is causing issues between you two. You'all need to talk more!

[melon]

do you have a close friend around with kids close to his age?
maybe ask your mil if you can bring a friend, so you have someone to talk non football with, and ds has little people to play with.

[TinkerBelle]

I think it is ridiculous that it has to be every single weekend.

There is nothing wrong with sports, or watching sports. But to expect other people to come to your home at your command, with no regard to their feelings, is wrong. Why every weekend?

JMHO.

[BarnMomma]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

I find this odd. I'm not a fan of football myself, but my DH likes it. I find it odd that you know so little about something that is fun to your husband and is causing issues between you two. You'all need to talk more!

I find this this rather unfair. I live for gardening. Do you expect me to expect my husband to know the names of 30 different types of heirloom tomatoes just because I do? Hardly.