Dad that needs advice........HELP!

[litespeed]

Hi,

Let me introduce myself,
I am the proud father of a 2.5 year old girl, and adoring husband (12 years)
My wife is a stay at home mother and i work from home.
My office is in a separate part of the house and i try to remain there for the duration of my working day (6hours).

I am looking for some advice with regards to my child’s relationship with my wife.
First i will say that my wife is a highly sensitive person. She had a severe head trauma before i met her which left her with less control of her emotions than what is considered normal. She suffers from constant anxiety and OCD. She was raised in a very abusive household both physically and physiological by two parents that worked full time..Most of the time she remains emotionally distant from both me and our child.

I on the other hand had what i consider a very normal upbringing, I was raised mostly by my mother who was a stay at home Mom, she was very loving and caring and remains so.


So now the problem or not?

Today i was working from home and could hear my child crying then my wife.
I don’t usually interfere but i did go up to see what was happening.
It turns out that our 2.5 year old was pointing to my wife’s hair and mentioning that she didn’t like it(in her way), then started to cry. This is not new to us as our daughter has made it known that she doest like my wife’s hair for some time now. She has said it to me when i have had my hair cut but i usually just tell her that its my hair and i will do with it what i like. It doesn’t bother me at all.
My wife on the other hand feels very upset about it, today she said she going to have it cut very short because of our child’s comments. I told her i think that would be a grave mistake, unless she really wants to do it for herself. Also, lately our child has been communicating that my wife should go out to work and daddy should stay at home. Add to that Whenever our child is hurt or upset she almost always cries for me (her Dad). It is upsetting to me to see my wife in tears. I want to gain an understanding of this behaviour before it ruins their relationship.

I tell my daughter that it not nice to say those things and try my best to say it in a way that she could comprehend.

I feel this is her testing the emotional boundries.
Am i wrong or?
I would really appreciate any input that anyone has to offer.


Thanks.

[sapphire_chan]

A talking toddler is going to be h*ll for a sensitive person. Frankly, it could be healthiest for your wife to go out and work with adults, but that has to be the decision of you two adults as being best for everyone.

Therapy could also be helpful for her. Because, although slightly precocious, your dd sounds like a normal 2.5 year old and things are just going to get worse as she gets older. If your wife is wanting to cut her hair because of your dd's opinions things are not going to go well when the 'bossy' threes to sixes hit.

Anyway, it really needs to be a conversation you have with her. Maybe it's time, now that she's done such a great job with your baby, for you to take on the task of raising your toddler for a bit. Maybe you just need to make your schedule so that you two have a "toddler break" (you taking a break with the toddler, her taking a break from the toddler) in the middle of the day. Maybe you two just need to read some books about toddlers that show that she's totally normal and also get some warning about what's coming.

[lilmom]

I am a stay at home mom of a 2.5 year old boy, and he lately has been doing some of the same things. I think what your daughter is doing is very normal, as far as wanting daddy.

My DS is the same way, and it is a very recent thing. At night, he wants daddy to give him the bath and put him to sleep. He gets super excited when daddy comes home and he says "I so happy to see you"..I get nothing.

So if I was a super sensitive person, it might be really, really hard.

I do not think your wife should cut her hair! DD is 2.5. Your wife cannot let her emotions make every decision. DD is not going to agree with everything your wife does and she may even say really mean things a times, because she is 2, and like you said, she is learning boundaries. SHe probably just recently realized that she is her own little person, separate from your wife, and she is learning how to be independant, with her own likes and dislikes.

I really think your wife could benefit from therapy. Also you staying home might be something to think about..but on the other hand I think maybe if you were able to give your wife breaks, or have a nanny come in for a few hours a week, that might really help too. I don't know that you necessarily have to switch roles based on the fact that your wife's feelings are getting hurt. I really think it's something she needs to work through if at all possible, because there are going to probably be tougher years ahead and I would hate for her to continuously feel hurt by her child.

Without being there, it is just hard to say though if your DD wants you to stay home with her because truly your wife is not up to the task, or if it is just DD testing the rules and boundaries and trying to figure out life. It might be hard for her to grasp you being home but not being able to play with her.

I feel like this was really jumbled but I hope it helps in some way. Good luck!

[betsyj]

Is your wife in counseling and taking medication for her OCD? That is a documented mental illness that she should be receiving professional help for.

Like sapphire said-toddlers say whatever is on their minds-there is no filter between that active little brain and that constantly moving little mouth. What is your wife going to do when your toddler says she hates her? Or that she loves her Daddy more? In my experience most kids say these kinds of things at one time or another.

Is it possible for your six hours to come at times when your toddler is sleeping? Can you spend more of the daytime together as a family and help your wife?

Finally, growing up with an emotionally distant mother is not a good recipe for being able to form healthy relationships. Kids model what they see.

[SubliminalDarkness]

I would also put some thought into whether or not your wife being a SAHM is the best thing for any of you.
Is your wife in therapy? It sounds like she would benefit from it(as so many people would).

[mamazee]

I think being an SAHM might not be the best match for your wife. It isn't for everyone, and that's OK. You can't make a 2-year-old stop being 2 because it hurts an adult's feelings. And 3 is just going to be worse. They still don't have social graces, and their language is even better so they can say even more difficult-to-take things. It's the adult who needs to change in this case, but with the specific issues your wife might not be able to do that. In which case, your dd might be better off with you as a SAHP or in a quality child care program. Child care is an OK choice. If your wife isn't in therapy, I'd suggest that as well, but in the mean time I wouldn't keep them home together all day all the time.

[Jackies Ladybug]

i agree that this doesnt sound like a healthy situation for any of you.
considering that your wife has a disability that is keeping her from being able to perform her job properly, you two may have to sit down and figure out a plan.
you may have to co-parent during the day, find ways to work during naps, after bed time and in the morning before your dd wakes.
it is proven that people with frontal lobe injuries (assuming thats what is going on, considering the emotional issues) do best when appropriate responses are modeled for them.
i am hoping she is in a therapy program of some sort, if not you may want to look into it.
i agree with previous posters that if she is emotionally distant and isnt modeling appropriate emotional responses that it can be an issue developmentally for your dd. (not saying she can help this response, she truely has a disability)

i wouldnt put it on your dd though, i dont feel its your 2 year old that needs help. you and your wife as the adults in the relationship need to figure out a child rearing solution that helps all of you.

i really hope this isnt coming off as sounding harsh. what you are going through i can only imagine, it has to be so hard. i really hope that you can all find a solution that leaves everyone happy and feeling better.

[SunshineJ]

The first question that popped into my mind is does your wife have any friends with children who have been through this stage, or does she take your DD to any playgroups, etc. It would be quite eye-opening for her to see other children the same age I think, and with having other moms to talk to, she may be able to see that your dd's comments aren't a personal attack but rather a product of the age.

[litespeed]

Thanks for your responses, yes our situation is unique
My wife was a teenager before her accident and then a toddler again after awaking from her coma.
Part of the issue is her Memory; She has read many books and tries sooooo hard to figure it out. She does have moments of great clarity, we sit and talk for hours about the challenges of parenting, specifically with us. Her pregnancy has made things much worse.
I use to work outside the home 10 hours a day, I quit that job when i found out my wife was pregnant in anticipation of the monumental challenges that we faced. I now work 6am till 1pm at home and take over the care of our child at that time. My wife usually gets some much need rest or time to herself after 1 pm.

They do attend play groups and are now attending a smart start program.
I know that she has seen and commented on some of the other childrens behaviour but she forgets. Especially whe she turn in on herself.

I personally don't read any books and rely mostly on intuition and memories of my own childhood as a guide. There are times though when I will scour the internet as i did when i found this group.

My wife has had extensive therapy for her cognitive and emotional challenges, we have had couples counselling and yes she is on medication for anxiety and her OCD. I have also talked extensively with her DR who also had raised some concerns.

I have noticed patterns in her behaviour, she becomes emotionally distant when she is over tired, has spoken to her mother (whom i can’t stand) or a family get together is being planned with her family.

So knowing that, If i see she is getting over tired, i do extra duty,
If she speaks with her mother i have suggested she surf the net at the same time! so she isn’t really listening to the conversation. FWIW we are selling our home because we need distance from her family.

As for her friends, she has a couple of close friends, neither of which have children....yet.

After reading all the comments, i did some thinking and spoke with my wife about the Hair issue.

Our toddler does indeed play my wife’s emotions on days where my wife is very distant, ie, she spoke to her sister last night who just happens to be visiting next week and her sister is trying to plan a big family get together, wonderful l.

I have phoned a therapist and my wife will see her next week.




Our child is by all other measures doing excellent.
Every night after she is put to bed she acts out her day with a couple of her teddies, all of the emotional highs and lows that is. Then she sings herself to sleep.

When she is with other children she is cautious, as i was.
She hangs back and assesses the groups of kids etc.. Then she often chooses to play with some of the older children. a few years her senior.
She is a very gentle soul as described by all that know her.

Thanks again to all that responded

[merryns.mom]

i don't have any real advice, just wanted to say that you're a great dad and husband!. you are trying your best to provide and protect your family so keep it up!!

good luck and lots of love to your family

[HarperRose]

Originally Posted by merryns.mom

i don't have any real advice, just wanted to say that you're a great dad and husband!. you are trying your best to provide and protect your family so keep it up!!

good luck and lots of love to your family

Couldn't agree more. It sounds like you're doing all you can.

I like the idea of going online when your wife is talking to her mother. I've done that myself. VERY helpful!

Would visual reminders help your wife? My son has autism (Asperger's, specifically), and visuals help him better than verbal. For him, it's things like Shower/Soap/Washcloth/Shampoo. For your wife, it might be "Toddlers have no brain-mouth filter" or something. Just the words written on a paper and stuck to the bathroom mirror, the hall closet, the fridge, whatever.

I hope things go well for this family get-together. It sounds very uncomfortable.

[sugarrush]

Have you ever put your daughter in "time out" for the things she says to your wife? Does she receive any sort of punishment besides you saying "it is wrong" to do that? Sometimes kids will just do things to a certain point before the parent snaps.. but it's also THAT age where they say what they want and absorb everything they see and hear...

i really wish you and your family the best.. you're definitely a very patient man to be handling all these situations at the same time!

[blessedwithboys]

sugarrush, welcome to MDC. have you had a chance to visit our Gentle Discipline pages yet? the mamas there have some great advice as far as alternatives to punitive punishments such as time-outs, esp for 2.5 yo's.

litespeed, no advice, just wanted to say i wish i could find a man as understanding as you seem to be!

[Violet2]

You sound like an awesome partner. I hope you are finding 'you' time too and not burning out.

You guys will figure it out. It sounds like you are all one top of it and aware of the core issues.

Toddlers are quite dramatic and are good at finding buttons and they still get very frustrated. Your poor wife is going to have a rough time of it for a while until she finds a good way to 'ignore' the button pushing.

V

[litespeed]

Thank you for all your kind and encouraging comments.

The one thing that i didn't mention is that my wife and i met at a brain injury rehabilitation program, I too have a head injury from being stuck by a drunk driver.
The big difference for me is that i had both cognitive and emotional therapy very early on, within 6 months of my accident for a period of 1 year. Thanks to my parents love and caring for me and their persistence with the medical establishment.

So i fully understand for the most part the cognitive and emotional challenges.

I have become slightly burnt out but i dig deep and to my best, knowing that everyone has their challenges in life, i view mine as par for the course.
I am lucky to be here and cherish every moment i have.

We will get through this, that i just know. Today is a good day, i can hear the giggles and laughter from both my wife and my child upstairs right now.
She is present today, Staying present is key.
with regard to "time out" for out little one. I feel that she is too young to understand that. She has no real concept of "time" for now, I feel that at this stage it more about vocal tone and body language. She understands that very well. We have had no real need to do anything other than that at this stage of her life.

As a child, I was always told to think about my actions and given time alone to figure out why i was in trouble, I then later had to explain why i was in trouble, but my parent’s arms were always open, no matter what.
as I got older there was the odd time that i received a "thick ear" .... lol

My wife on the other hand was usually hit with an object, called some awful names and sent to bed without dinner.

The difference between the two is that one set of parents "thought about their actions. The other set reacted without much thought. So we know where my wife will have challenges and we work on it together.

Our children are our legacy that we leave behind. I feel that we must show and teach them nothing but love, understanding, respect, appreciation, compassion, courage and imagination. to name but a few things.
Understanding that things change and i will have to also.

I let you know how it all works out when she is 16....lol

[Mirzam]

Originally Posted by litespeed

Thanks for your responses, yes our situation is

Our toddler does indeed play my wife’s emotions on days where my wife is very distant, ie, she spoke to her sister last night who just happens to be visiting next week and her sister is trying to plan a big family get together, wonderful l.

I just wanted to say one thing in relation to this comment. I don't think your daughter is playing your wife's emotions when she is very distant, she is trying to connect with her mother they only way she knows how. I would be concerned about an attachment disorder which could result in some severe behavior patterns in your child in the years to come. You might want to check out the work of Helen Forbes (Beyond Consequences) and try and pre-empt anything like this.

[litespeed]

Originally Posted by Mirzam

I just wanted to say one thing in relation to this comment. I don't think your daughter is playing your wife's emotions when she is very distant, she is trying to connect with her mother they only way she knows how. I would be concerned about an attachment disorder which could result in some severe behavior patterns in your child in the years to come. You might want to check out the work of Helen Forbes (Beyond Consequences) and try and pre-empt anything like this.

That makes alot of sense, thankyou for your insight and suggestion.
Looks like there is some excellent info on that site.
I am really happy that i found this forum.

[mammal_mama]

Maybe explain to your wife that you've noticed that your dd does the "I don't like your hair"-comments on days when your wife is being more distant, in order to get her to engage and be more present.

So if you can encourage your wife to respond to those comments by suggesting, "You can say, Mommy I want to play with you," then maybe she can help your daughter learn how to get Mommy's attention without saying upsetting things.

[Jackies Ladybug]

another thing you can do is roll play with your daughter to give her some better lines to tell your wife when she is being emotionally distant.
talk to your wife and see if you can come up with a "trigger phrase" that your toddler can use when she wants mommy's attention. something fun for your wife, like, "mommy, i love you lots, can we play?" or "mommy, you look SOOOOO beautiful!"
i think its really good to teach at a young age that compliments get better attention than insults, and i think your wife would really like to hear those things a lot more. i'm pretty sure a 2.5 year old can catch on to a game like that pretty quick.

[mamazee]

I would just be very careful to not make your dd feel like she is responsible for your wife's sensitivities. She isn't, these issues came up way before she was born and she's just a toddler. It could set up a very unhealthy long-term dynamic if she starts to place her mom's sensitive nature on her shoulders.