Dad that needs advice........HELP! - Page 2

[gcgirl]

Originally Posted by Mirzam

I just wanted to say one thing in relation to this comment. I don't think your daughter is playing your wife's emotions when she is very distant, she is trying to connect with her mother they only way she knows how. I would be concerned about an attachment disorder which could result in some severe behavior patterns in your child in the years to come. You might want to check out the work of Helen Forbes (Beyond Consequences) and try and pre-empt anything like this.

I agree with this. It sounds like you and your wife are going amazingly at the moment, but mental illness can and does play havoc with the best intentions. Is it at all possible to have a mother's helper come in for an hour or two once a day, or a few times a week? Your wife could probably use some recuperative time (heck, so could I, but it's got to be extra hard for your wife).

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by mamazee

I would just be very careful to not make your dd feel like she is responsible for your wife's sensitivities. She isn't, these issues came up way before she was born and she's just a toddler. It could set up a very unhealthy long-term dynamic if she starts to place her mom's sensitive nature on her shoulders.

I agree that a 2-year-old is not responsible for an adult's sensitivities.

But, I occasionally meet ADULTS who will say the rudest things, and then when others get offended they'll take the attitude of "Well, you have a 'choice' of whether or not to get offended. Words are just words, they don't have any power unless you let them."

I don't *normally* meet adults like this -- just mainly in conversations with some extremely intellectual types who feel like tact is irrelevant and unnecessary. They sometimes feel disappointed when others don't want to keep talking to them, but they're so wrapped up in their notion that they're not responsible for others' feelings, that they just don't see any need to change their communication-style.

Of course, being two is a far cry from being an adult -- but in my opinion it's never too early to learn that there are ways to get the attention and other things you want, that don't involve saying hurtful things to others.

I mean, if any age person tells me they don't like my hair, they are certainly not "responsible" if I get depressed about it -- but still, if all they are really wanting is to get my attention so I'll spend time with them, there are better ways of doing that.

I feel I'd be doing my children a disservice if I didn't help them learn the better ways. I'm not saying I make a huge big deal when one of my kids says something tactless -- but I see it as my parental responsibility to offer them guidance as to how to get what you want and still have good relations with others.

[mamazee]

Guidance is one thing, but the feeling I'm getting is that it is this toddler's responsibility to be nice, and 2-year-olds just aren't capable of being particularly careful with words. You can't fairly place that responsibility on a toddler. It is not at all the same thing as with other adults.

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by mamazee

Guidance is one thing, but the feeling I'm getting is that it is this toddler's responsibility to be nice, and 2-year-olds just aren't capable of being particularly careful with words. You can't fairly place that responsibility on a toddler. It is not at all the same thing as with other adults.

I agree that it's not fair to expect a 2yo to be careful with words!

I just got the feeling that she is seeing this as a way of getting her mom's attention -- and it seems fairly easy to just help her express what she wants ... such as, as Jackies Ladybug suggests, helping her learn other ways to get Mommy's attention.

I see this as being more on the parent than on the child, definitely. I'm just sayin', we ALL get our feelings hurt sometimes ... if my child is repeatedly saying something that triggers hurt feelings in me, I see nothing wrong in helping her express herself some other way --

Not as in, "I will be miserable and go cut off all my hair if you ever say this again, and it will be all your fault" -- but as in, "If you want me to play, say Mommy let's play -- cause it's not fun to hear you say you hate my hair."

[litespeed]

With regards to words from a two year old,
I am in total agreement that we can’t expect toddlers to be careful with words. I will however try to help her find more appropriate ones.
None of this is going to be on my daughter, It is the parents reaction that dictates where this will go, but it has brought light to a key problem area and I definitely want to try to handle this now, for everyone’s sake.

You are all right about it being my wife’s sensitivities. Extremely difficult and delicate situation for me to handle. However it will be worked on. Its hard because i am starting to see my wife’s mother in my wife’s behaviour and i don’t care for it.
My(our) main goal for now is to get rid of the triggers, those of my wife’s that is. I also have to evaluate how i am responding to those same triggers if at all and then understand if my reaction, be it conscious or un-conscious is having any influence.
so eliminating some triggers as best we can means putting some distance between my family and my in-laws both physical and mental. Then helping my wife work on her confidence and her staying present, I will do a few extra things for my wife so that she is able to spend more time connecting with our child without distractions. There is much to think about but you have all helped me gain some invaluable insight into this.

We both spoke about this this evening and both agreed it is what has to be done.
With every passing day i am witness to how difficult one’s life can be if they didn’t get the love and emotional nourishment from their parents. Truly, truly upsetting.

I like the ideas with regard to teaching our little one other ways of connecting with my wife. I will work on those when appropriate.
Thank you all so very much for sharing your thoughts, ideas and experiences.

[litespeed]

Fwiw,
I am often referred to as a nut by my family.
I think nothing of dancing with my child while making up songs and having toilet paper wrapped around my head while we have a pretend pirate sword fights.
We all laugh till we fall on the ground together, my wife, little one and I.
These are very precious moments that I hold onto. Play is so very important on many levels for all ages. There is light, but at times there is darkness.
I don’t like the dark days but i understand they are needed for growth.

I would love to respond to each comment but , I don’t have that much time at the moment.

[CheekyLilMonkeys]

My DS is 3.5yrs and is a very intense little guy. When he is upset and his feelings overwhelm him he lashes out verbally. I used to respond and address what he said and explain why I didnt like it and what it would be better to say but I found he actually did it worse and would say it more. I heard a great friend respond to her DS when he did something similar and since have used her method.

When he says "I hate you" I say "I understand you're angry sweetie but I will always love you no matter what" if he says it again I say "that's ok, but I love you." If he said he didnt like my hair it'd depend on the context - if he was upset about something so lashing out at me I'd say "are you feeling angry about something" and adress his feelings directly, if it was for no apparent reason I'd just say something like "oh really? I really like it like this actually." I see it as a way of trying to express his feelings, and also something he does when he's insecure to test if my love is conditional, which is why I tell him I still love him no matter what.

Since responding like this he now rarely does this. He is also much better at discussing his feelings directly. He will say "I'm really frustrated at you mummy because you wouldnt let me do xyz and I really wanted to do it..it makes me so angry at you."

Could you and your wife rehearse different responses to help her when she finds herself in this situation?