almost-4 yr old, constant disrespect--help!!

[alaskaberry]

We ask/tell him not to do something. He pretends to agree, then when I look over he's doing it again. If I put him in time away and he runs out of it, if I sit with him he slams his head repeatedly on the floor while shrieking; if I smack(ed) his hand (I've stopped doing this--it doesn't work and he was hitting other children, eek) he screams "you are *bad*!" I am at the end of my rope!

*No drawing on the wall with crayons--so he drew on it with butter (and it's plain sheetrock, dp's brilliant idea).
*No playing with Mommy's knitting--so this morning he un-ravelled an entire project I had spent weeks working on. And it was up high, and he got it down, and I lost my temper and told him I wasn't going to re-knit it for him (it was for his birthday) and he threw a huge fit about it.
*throws a temper tantrum when he doesn't get his way, slams his head repeatedly on the hardwood floor
*Won't pay attention to anything a grown-up says or does.

DP says ds "needs some hardcore discipline". I am not an authoritarian disciplinarian, but this kid, oh man, this kid. He drives me nuts, and I find myself yelling at him so much and I really don't want to be that mom! He is constantly pushing all my buttons!

(I want to send him to preschool, since we don't get a chance to do too many playdates during the winter but he's not potty trained yet either and that's our pre-req for sending him to "school")

Any book recs, BTDT or advice? TIA!

[justmama]

I have a just turned 5 year old who seems like this too. The constant disrespect really starts to hurt my feelings after several times. No advice, just sympathy.

[BetsyNY]

I think getting the word "disrespect" out of your vocabulary (4-year-olds don't know much about respect, and 3-year-olds know even less about it) would probably help a lot.

One thing I tried to do when my son was going through That Stage was not bring my emotions into it. Hard to do when you're going through tantrums over *everything* (and I mean everything--we're talking screaming fits if I turned right instead of left). But still, bringing my anger/annoyance/upset to the dyad never made anything better.

Also, offering hugs worked better than I thought it would. Sure, sometimes he'd be too upset with me, but I was really surprised at how often he would fall sobbing into my arms. They're little, they're having these swells of emotion and it's no fun to be worked up all the time. A little comfort can go a long way.

[joanna0707]

Originally Posted by alaskaberry

Any book recs, BTDT or advice? TIA!

It sounds to me like you need to reconnect with your DS, I highly recommend Connection Parenting by Pam Leo

[madskye]

What do you do during the day? Does your day have a structure? If not, maybe implement a simple schedule so that you both know what's coming when. Also, when DD was 3 she needed to be occupied CONSTANTLY or there was trouble brewing--either destruction or a tantrum--they both seem to sprint out of boredom here. Here, I find if I cut out TV and sugar the tantrums/severity decrease.

Not listening is pretty normal. I'd try to get to a place where you can ward off the tantrums/decrease the head banging. It's a really hard stage to get through!

[ssh]

At that age your DS doesn't understand the concept of 'respect' well enough to be intentionally disrespectful. It is old enough to discuss rudeness and the social consequences of rudeness. For example you can say "yelling hurts my ears and my feelings" or "if you yell people could have hurt feelings or feel annoyed" or "that was a rude, if you talk to your friends that way they might be sad". The lack of compliance is because of a lack of impulse control. When a young child behaves in a way that annoys you don't take it personal and get upset, it's just part of how 3 and 4 years old. They can't help it, but will grow out of it with patience and modelling appropriate behavior on your part. When my DD couldn't resist messy activities I gave her appropriate messy things to do (like painting or playing with water in the sink) and supervised her almost every second. The banging his head tantrums sound like your DS is really overwhelmed with his emotions. Calm sympathetic validation of his feelings can help him learn to deal with them better. I agree that you need to reconnect with your DS. Using punishment can ruin the relationship, but you can build the trust back. Almost 4 is old enough to know not to use butter for drawing. He could be angry at you and doing it to get back at you. It sounds like your relationship is more adversarial instead of co-operative. Punishment and yelling can do that. Parents, Kids and Power Struggles by Mary Kurcinka is a really good useful book.

[Tjej]

My DD is almost four, and she is pushing boundaries a lot more than she generally has in the past, so I understand your frustration.

What jumps out at me from what you wrote is that you are bothered that he throws a fit or yells. It sounds like his tantrums get to you - and I would venture to guess that he knows it too, so that is why he does them. It seems really hard, but if you can accept that he has big emotions he is trying to vent and just let him yell or whatever, but don't react to it (don't yell at him or get mad about it), he will very likely stop using it as a weapon against you and instead only yell/thrash when he is really upset and he will do it just to get out whatever he needs to get out. I am big on talking about and helping my kids "calm down". Getting through the crazy emotions and THEN talking about what happened or whatever really helps. You could ask him to take it to a different room or take yourself to a different one if you don't want to be (or can't handle being) a part of it.

As far as not listening to/respecting adults - things that help a lot are: get on his level when speaking to him, get eye contact, and wait for a verbal confirmation from him (ask - do you understand? or are you ready? or something similar). If he doesn't confirm, DON'T repeat yourself (his ears are fine), just wait and expect him to respond before he goes off and does something else (obviously explain that is what you are doing - waiting for his response - but don't keep repeating).

I find that both of my childrens behavior goes downhill when we don't get enough exercise and/or they watch TV. TV gives soo many examples of bad behavior that it outweighs the examples of good (even though I filter what they watch very carefully). So if your DS watches TV, I'd say turn it off. Get him dancing or crabwalking or tumbling, etc. instead. And check what he is eating.

I am pretty strict, but I don't yell. I have very clear expectations and I am patient to wait until they are fulfilled. I also am careful about what I ask of my children - I don't want to exasperate them by expecting so much all the time, so I don't ask them to do everything just the way I like it. I consider habits that form character to be the most important. There is a thread on here about virtues parenting that could be really helpful for you. There are books that go with that too.

HTH

Tjej

[alaskaberry]

Thanks for your replies everyone. I think that when we're inside for too long, we all tend to get on one another's nerves. I need to take more periodic breaks from the kids, I tend to get really stressed out really quickly if I don't get some down-time for myself.

joanna0707--thanks for the book rec. I will check that out.

[jtbuko]

Looks like you got some great advice so far.

Book rec - The Secret of Parenting by Anthony Wolf

Stuck inside rec - do you have a trampoline/ rebounder? I send my kids to bounce or swing (DD has rings mounted from her ceiling) when we are cooped up inside and they need to release some energy.

Hang in there.

[ttachuk]

My 4 1/2 year old has been going through a similar phase- and I was at my wits end. This was about 3 weeks ago, and since reading "Connected Parenting" by Jennifer Kolari and putting into practice many of her ideas things have really improved. We had been dealing with defiance, aggression and multiple meltdowns (3-4 daily), and although we still have bad days my ability to handle these bad days has greatly improved.

TO summarize some of the ideas in her book, the author uses the image of rock climbing to describe the connection between the parent and child, and talks about how to have the right tension on the rope (not too lose or too tight). Your child needs to have room to climb (rope not too tight) but needs to feel some tension in the rope to have the confidence to keep climbing ( rope not too tight). She discusses how to repair the connection which is fundamental to discipline.

Like a previous poster wrote, I think it is important to leave your emotions out of it, and by following the suggestions in this book I can deal with misbehavior without letting my anger, frustration and desparation get in the way.

Another book I found useful was "How to Behave So Your Preschooler Will Too". The author does mention timeouts, but if that is not part of your parenting you can just skip those recommendations- it does not affect the overall message of the book.