9 year old stole from classmate

[Delfina]

Hi everyone- I could really use some advice. My 9 year old took a small toy from a classmate's backpack to 'get back at him' for being mean. I understand the right thing for him to do is to return it to the other child, however I am worried that his social problems will only worsen if word spreads that he stole something from another child.... How do I teach him to take responsibility for his actions, while not totally ostracizing him from the class? One thought I had was to have him slip it into child's cubby and having him do community service.... but I feel like this would be condoning doing something 'sneaky'. Thought are welcome!! Thanks.

[heartmama]

Well that is an interesting question. Posts about older children tend to get fewer replies. My ds is 13, so I'll try to give you some feedback.

My general feeling is that stealing is such a big no-no, one with legal consequences in the real world, that the situation needs to be set right. I do understand your concern about him being ostracized, and yet, I hope that may be groundless. Kids steal all the time from other kids--is this a very straight laced religious school?

The toy needs to be given back, and I would be inclined to think, from where I sit, that it's better for your son (in terms of taking responsibility) to give the toy back to to the child in person, say "I'm sorry I took this, I was mad at how mean you have been to me" and then just let it go. I tend to think that is the best way to go in terms of your son 'clearing the air'.

As to the question of giving it back discreetly--I think there are times when it is okay to do that--to put back an item that was taken before it is missed--I think there are situations when it might be the best option. Depending on the people involved, the relationships, the details of what happened, it could be the better option. If you are doing it because you realize what you did was wrong, feel guilt, and want to make the situation right--I believe there can be a sort of 'divine mercy' we experience as individuals, when we are given a chance to right a wrong before anyone knows we did anything wrong. Life is full of such moments and I think, as long as one does not assume it will work out that way, this can be an acceptable option.

You know your child best, and the details of the situation. The toy should be returned asap though, however you choose for it to happen.

[chaoticzenmom]

Maybe he can turn it into the school lost and found? A kid stole my son's DS and all of his games last year and left parts of it in the bathroom. My friend (his teacher) knew who it was, but did not tell me. Instead, she called the kids mother and let her know what she thought had happened. The next day, the security officer of the school called me to tell me that someone had turned in some video games.

You shouldn't make him do a face to face if it's going to ruin his school life for possibly years to come. He told you, you can now help him navigate this.

If it were me, I'd take it into the office and say you found it in the parking lot. That way, he won't have to lie about how he got it and it gets returned.

Lisa

[Tjej]

I agree with heartmama. The gravity of theft does require strong handling, however the character of the other child would be good to consider. If this other child is going to use this against your child in front of everyone, then that isn't helpful.

Does the other child know the object is missing? Can it be put back without a big to-do? If so, I think that would be okay. You could talk with your child about what additional consequences might be appropriate - depending on how your child internalizes things, just realizing the wrong and righting it might be enough, but also maybe not...

I do disagree with lying about it. I think covering one bad choice with a lie is not a good way to build character.

Tjej

[mommy2maya]

I don't think that just slipping it in is a good way to go about this, it's not like he accidentally took it home with him. Stealing has consequences. I totally do not think it should be lessened because the boy was mean to him, two wrongs don't make a right, and being mean is not a reason to steal from someone. I would stress to your son the proper channels to follow if someone is being mean to him.

[heartmama]

I agree I would not make up a lie about where he 'found' the toy. However, he doesn't have to say anything at all. He can just give it back without a word. An explanation is not necessary if none is requested. If the other child is going to bully and humiliate him, I think a prolonged 'confession' might be pointless.

[griffin2004]

Regardless of the other boy's behavior (which I see as a an issue to be separately handled), he deserves his toy back AND an apology. And an apology will help your son close the door on this episode and move on. I admire the courage of people, young and old, who apologize. It's tough to do but shows a depth of character.

[lmk1]

I don't have a child your age, but your post struck a cord with me because I was pretty introverted as a child and got picked on a lot. I never took something from anyone, but being bullied (if that's what happened) can really hurt a child. I think you should really talk to your son and find out what the other child was doing that was mean. You also need to consider your son's character. Is he sensitive...was this a big thing for him to take his classmate's toy or did he do it "easily" ...depending on his own attitude towards what he did, hence you should decide how serious the "crime" is. You should also ask him how he thinks is the best way to fix this situation. I don't think there's a black and white solution ... you definitely want your son to know theft is wrong, but if the other kid being mean was the "last straw", then that needs to be addressed too. Also, what is the toy that got stolen? Some little dinky thing or like a gameboy?

[mommy2maya]

Originally Posted by lmk1

I don't have a child your age, but your post struck a cord with me because I was pretty introverted as a child and got picked on a lot. I never took something from anyone, but being bullied (if that's what happened) can really hurt a child. I think you should really talk to your son and find out what the other child was doing that was mean. You also need to consider your son's character. Is he sensitive...was this a big thing for him to take his classmate's toy or did he do it "easily" ...depending on his own attitude towards what he did, hence you should decide how serious the "crime" is. You should also ask him how he thinks is the best way to fix this situation. I don't think there's a black and white solution ... you definitely want your son to know theft is wrong, but if the other kid being mean was the "last straw", then that needs to be addressed too. Also, what is the toy that got stolen? Some little dinky thing or like a gameboy?

I disagree completely with your thought process. Theft is theft, it doesn't matter what it was, and it doesn't matter what mitigated it. The mitigating reasons that led up to the theft are a separate matter entirely that definitely needs to be addressed, however, it is NOT ok to say that the kid deserved it, or it doesn't really matter cause it wasn't something of value, or he pushed him to do it by being mean, etc etc etc. This is perfect reasoning why bullying, which the mom in the OP didn't specify, just that the boy was 'mean' to him. Also, this is a *9* year old, not a three year old might be more prone to acting out on irrational thought processes such as well, he was mean to me, so I took his toy.

[Ornery]

My first instinct is to involve a trusted teacher or school counselor who knows both parties involved. Hopefully that teacher/counselor could take OP's ds and the other boy aside, have the OP's son return the toy and help them work through their issues. I do think the boy needs to return the toy and apologize for the theft, but it needs to be done in a way that doesn't traumatize him.

[lmk1]

Originally Posted by mommy2maya

I disagree completely with your thought process. Theft is theft, it doesn't matter what it was, and it doesn't matter what mitigated it. The mitigating reasons that led up to the theft are a separate matter entirely that definitely needs to be addressed, however, it is NOT ok to say that the kid deserved it, or it doesn't really matter cause it wasn't something of value, or he pushed him to do it by being mean, etc etc etc. This is perfect reasoning why bullying, which the mom in the OP didn't specify, just that the boy was 'mean' to him. Also, this is a *9* year old, not a three year old might be more prone to acting out on irrational thought processes such as well, he was mean to me, so I took his toy.

I'm not suggesting that there is an excuse or that theft is OK, but what I am suggesting is that the solution to this is not black and white. The question that needs to be asked, is the 9 year old doing this because he felt helpless to react to the "meanness" in any other way or not? Even in a court of law, a judge tries to find out all the facts and mitigating circumstances before declaring a sentence. Why not do the same for your child? Reparation (or "sentencing") should happen, but what kind depends on the mitigating circumstances.

[BfBobby]

Originally Posted by mommy2maya

I disagree completely with your thought process. Theft is theft, it doesn't matter what it was, and it doesn't matter what mitigated it. The mitigating reasons that led up to the theft are a separate matter entirely that definitely needs to be addressed, however, it is NOT ok to say that the kid deserved it, or it doesn't really matter cause it wasn't something of value, or he pushed him to do it by being mean, etc etc etc. This is perfect reasoning why bullying, which the mom in the OP didn't specify, just that the boy was 'mean' to him. Also, this is a *9* year old, not a three year old might be more prone to acting out on irrational thought processes such as well, he was mean to me, so I took his toy.

I really have to agree here. So what if the other kid was being mean? Are you then saying that sometimes people deserve to have bad things happen to them? Because that opens a very large and wriggly can of worms! Some things deserve to be stolen?

The fact of the matter is that he stole it, and he should rectify that appropriately. Appropriately is up to the parents to decide, but I do think that a public apology to the person he stole from is not unreasonable. It gives him the message that it's NOT okay to steal. Being sneaky about it makes me think that it's being hidden, and it also doesn't give the child the chance to stand up and address the kid who was mean to him in the first place. It doesn't get to the root of the problem, it sweeps it under the rug.

[ktmeyer]

I agree with Eclipse. Have this handled in a moderated situation, with the teacher there. That way the teacher can make sure there is no bullying afterwards.

[chaoticzenmom]

I agree that the other boy didn't "deserve" to be stolen from, but if he's a bully, and there's a public apology, it could get nasty. School social rules aren't the same as real life rules and doing things that show depth of character may not the results that you want.

So, don't lie about it like I suggested earlier, but your kid knew it was wrong and came to you for help. Take him and the toy to the school counselor and have it returned. If he asks for help and then gets humiliated, then you really didn't help him. He needs to find help to handle this with grace and character without hurting his school life.

Or, if your son knows this kid well and it's not a significant object, just have him give it back to the other kid without saying "Hey, I stole this." but "hey, here's your _____."