Please help me deal with DD's severe seperation anxiety!!! (Update #15)

[physmom]

I'm just at a total loss with DD. Right now I'm finishing my thesis and it's become clear that I can't get everything done in time if I don't have outside help. We hired a babysitter to come over for a few hours everyday while I'm typing and it's just been disastrous. DD freaks out and cries the entire time (to the point where she makes herself throw up multiple times). We've tried everything: having me be in the same room, me being in another room with both the door shut or open, me leaving the house to work, etc. However, no matter what we do DD just screams until I'm there holding her! She loved the lady when they first met and if I'm holding her she'll play with the babysitter just fine but the second she comes in the door she starts throwing a tantrum.

This week DD has even purposefully fallen asleep very early for her nap because then I send the lady home early too. But then that throws me off because I have less time to work (and it's not good for the baby sitter either because she comes all the way here and doesn't get to work as many hours).

We've tried distracting DD, getting her new toys for when the lady comes, everything but to no avail. I know the babysitter is getting frustrated too and is probably at the verge of quitting because it's not ideal for her either. I just don't know what to do!!!! BTW, daycare is not an option where we live for a number of reasons. Oh, and FWIW DD just turned 1 and is normally a very social outgoing girl, well, as long as DH or myself are right there with her. However, she does well with other family members too...

[physmom]

Anybody? We really need help with this!!!

[waiting2bemommy]

I don't have many suggestions, except for one of you to leave the house. My ds does this with my SO sometimes, but as soon as I'm gone (or he thinks I'm gone ) he goes back to happily playing with SO and doesn't even ask for me. It's really stressful to hear all that crying!

Can you sign her up for some type of class that the sitter could drive her to each week? Like the rec center or gymboree or something? The change of scenery might help as well.

Or if you have a laptop, maybe you could put her down for her nap, then have the babysitter come and you could leave and go to Starbucks or the library or something and do your work there. When she wakes up, she will look for you, and then the sitter can offer a snack, or a new toy or whatever novel thing you've left for them, and you can get a good chunk of uninterrupted time.

[Twelve21]

Is there any way that you could wear her on your back while you work?

[physmom]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy

I don't have many suggestions, except for one of you to leave the house. My ds does this with my SO sometimes, but as soon as I'm gone (or he thinks I'm gone ) he goes back to happily playing with SO and doesn't even ask for me. It's really stressful to hear all that crying!.

We tried that and it had the same result. We're going to try her leaving the house and taking DD to the park on Monday and see if that helps...

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy

Can you sign her up for some type of class that the sitter could drive her to each week? Like the rec center or gymboree or something? The change of scenery might help as well..

Unfortunately, we can't afford that, we can barely afford the babysitter as is. Otherwise, that'd probably work since she loved all the trial classes we tried out.

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy

Or if you have a laptop, maybe you could put her down for her nap, then have the babysitter come and you could leave and go to Starbucks or the library or something and do your work there. When she wakes up, she will look for you, and then the sitter can offer a snack, or a new toy or whatever novel thing you've left for them, and you can get a good chunk of uninterrupted time.

The problem with her naps is that she wakes up multiple times during her naps and I have to nurse to back to sleep. I don't understand the cause of that but she's done that as long as I remember.

[physmom]

Originally Posted by Twelve21

Is there any way that you could wear her on your back while you work?

I've tried that. The thing is, she doesn't like being in the carrier if I'm not moving, which means she normally won't stand being in the carrier for more than 5 minutes at home. When we're out and about she LOVES it just not at home.

[Kirsten]

I agree with the idea of having the babysitter take your dc out of the house - to the park or a walk in the stroller or something. Is there anywhere nearby with a fishtank - babies sometimes get enthralled with those.

If you have a time frame you must meet for school, I'd stay home and have babysitter take baby out. She will calm down eventually - but up til now you have taught her that if she cries long enough you'll come and the babysitter will go. If you trust the babysitter, know that dd is ok and let them go somewhere. Maybe even a drive in the car with dd's favorite music on?

[wetcement101]

Congrats on your dissertation status!

Two things- My DD is very similar. What works for us is if she leaves, rather than is left behind. Babysitter takes her for a little walk around the block while I drive away. Leaving takes the focus off mom.

I was suffered awful anxiety when separated from my mom way past toddler years. I remember lots of it, don't feel scarred by it, and can laugh about it now. Makes me a nicer mommy, I think. Don't feel guilty about taking care of yourself.

[Swandira]

Another congrats on your dissertation! My 13-month-old is extremely mamatropic right now too and freaks out whenever he even thinks someone else might be about to watch him when I'm not there. I really hope it's a phase they can get through quickly! I think, since you just have the one kid to contend with, the suggestion to take the baby out of the house may be helpful. Let us know how it goes!

Nealy
mama to T, 12/02; L, 2/06; and O, 12/08

[mambera]

My LO has terrible separation anxiety as well; we have the same issue except it is my DH trying to work from home while DD yowls for him from the nanny's arms.

Anyway, is there any way you can do your writing in the evening while your DH is home (or whenever he is home)?

It might be worth it to have both your DH and the babysitter distract the baby together while you write. I know this sounds like a total waste of money but it will buy you some time and your DD will also be getting used to the babysitter, so hopefully with time you may be able to leave them alone together for a while.

(And, of course, congrats on the dissertation!)

[Ruthie's momma]

Originally Posted by wetcement101

Congrats on your dissertation status!

Two things- My DD is very similar. What works for us is if she leaves, rather than is left behind. Babysitter takes her for a little walk around the block while I drive away. Leaving takes the focus off mom.

I was suffered awful anxiety when separated from my mom way past toddler years. I remember lots of it, don't feel scarred by it, and can laugh about it now. Makes me a nicer mommy, I think. Don't feel guilty about taking care of yourself.

I agree. DD goes for a walk/to the park/out for lunch/etc. with our caregiver or goes down for her nap when I need to leave. I do let her know that I will be gone for a while. But, it has yet to really upset her as she is "busy" doing something fun.

As a child, I had serious episodes of SA (through elementary school). But, I don't have any overtly negative memories of those times. In fact, my dad and I will joke about it now (my mom has since passed away).
My parents did what they needed/wanted to do while meeting my needs.

[calpurnia]

I think you definitely need to be in different places. I had people come to look after my dd when I was writing my dissertation & it just didn't work if she knew I was in the house.

Honestly, after a certain point, I told myself "she's safe, she's being loved, I'll be back in 4 hours, this has to happen" & just got on with it. It was non negotiable.

[Luke's mama]

just want to sympathize. I have been working on my diss. since ds was born and there came a pt around 15 mos or maybe earlier where he figured out which room I was in, and when it became much harder to slip away--he knew I was planning to go and watched me like a hawk! Then with walking he could really get to the room, etc. etc. He sounds like he was more distractable than your LO, but what has worked best is when DH really engages him in something interesting (and away) like going on a walk or stroller ride or going outside. But I agree with the other posters about maybe you could be the one to go out--is there a library or a coffee shop you could go to (or your car, lol!)? Maybe once you are gone and she knows she can't get to you she would settle down after you left. And as a bonus, you might be less distracted worrying about her and why is she crying and should you go out and see....haha....at least that is what I am always like, at least I am getting better now!

[Trinitty]

This kind of upset with being away from Momma is totally natural and normal, and ideally, it should be avoided... but I understand you DO need to get this DONE. Dh has a PhD. This isn't optional.

DD will have to leave the house with the sitter while you do this. There are a million free things to do. Local library, toy stores, public pools (Mine charges me $1.50 for three hours of exhausting joy) and museums are perfect. Figure out really wonderful activities for her to do, and send her on her way with snacks and a bottle.

Good luck, and congratulations on working on becoming Dr. Momma.

Trin.

[physmom]

Thank you everybody for your comfort and ideas. I really appreciate it. All my friends are either SAHM so they don't have to deal with this or their kids have been in daycare/with a nanny from early on so it is such a transition. It's so hard hearing DD cry it just breaks my heart but I know that she's being cared for and our sitter is really trying her best to meet DD's needs while I'm gone.

THANKFULLY, today went a lot better. We decided for me to leave the house a little bit before DH and that seemed to work. She's ok with being with DH and also is good about saying bye to him when he leaves in the mornings to go to work so when he left she barely cried at all. However, after an hour or so she remembered me and freaked out a bit but the sitter said it was still a significant improvement over the last few weeks. We also really made a point to let DD sleep in in the morning. We normally wake her up at 7 so she goes to bed at a decent hour at night (otherwise she can be up as late as 11 and doesn't get nearly enough sleep) but we figured if this could help it's worth a try.

We're also going to try having the sitter go out with DD while I stay home. Today the weather was HORRIBLE and we don't have a car so the park was out and the library is only open at 10 (the sitter watches DD from 8-11) so there wasn't anything for them to do. I'll try and let you know what happens later on in the week when we try that in case it's of help to other moms dealing with the same thing!

About DH staying home with DD. We've tried that for a year... hasn't worked. Hence, the reason why we just hired someone because my thesis still isn't finished (thankfully, I have a VERY understanding advisor) . DH is really great with helping out with DD but he's at a pretty critical point in his career right now so it's really important for him to get some things done so he can relax more later. Sight, this is so hard! I wish I was a supermom who could do both without having to hire someone but unfortunately there are just so many hours in the day.

[Luke's mama]

You are doing a great job and are going to get there! It is great to hear about other moms trying to juggle this act--I used to think if you got pregnant before you got the degree, you were finished and would never finish up. Then I got pregnant by surprise! It has been a long haul, lots of tears and thinking I just couldn't do it, especially in those days when the baby wanted to be held all the time, or would take a 45 minute nap so that just as I was really getting going, my time was up. But somehow, little by little, I am getting there. My draft is done but my advisor is fussing about parts of it that I have to edit, which takes me forever, but hopefully will be done soon.

More sympathy to you about hearing LO cry while you are shut up in a room working--I feel so bad and it is hard trying to steel myself not to go out (like you, knowing that mine is well taken care of).