Sex before marriage(and not doing it--biblical views)

[Strong Mama]

Hi,I have been seeing a guy who I love very much for about 5 months. We did have sexual relations in the very beginning of our relationship, then we turned our lives over to the Lord, we have stopped having sex completely since then(2 months). IT is HARD!!!!!!!!! We are struggling with this issue, especially since we did it in the beginning ...Please give me any encouragement/scripture/advice, etc to keep us motivated that we are doing the right thing. We need it!!

Mods, i hope this is appropriate..if not, I understand if you must remove it but it is something I really need Christian perspective on.Thanks.

[lilyka]

you can do it!!!! (er...not do it?) You do have the strength to choose rightousness over sin. Your flesh does not own you. There how is that.

Also do not be discouraged by temptation and tumbles. if you fall into sin patterns, just stop and start back out on the path you intended. allow Gods forgiveness to wash over you and start anew. regardless of what area of sin tempts us failures are not the end of our road. we just start over tomorrow back on track. our every step towards rightousness is an act of worship towards God. he doesn't dwell on our failures. If we repent he forgives just as he promised. but he does rejoice in our successes!! I I rejoice in your commit to live lives that are pleasing to God!!!

[CrunchyChristianMama]

That is hard! I would say the three most important things would be this:

1) Each find an awesome accountability partner of the same sex that you can talk openly about this to who will help you keep with your decision.

2) Don't put yourselves is situations where having sex would be easy.

3) Be in constant prayer about it both together and separately.

God honors our decisions to honor Him! I promise that if you end up marrying this man you will be forever grateful for your decision to keep your marriage bed pure.

[cappuccinosmom]

Darnit, I meant to write you a whole encouraging post, Scriptures and all. Now I'm out of time.

For the moment, you can do this! You really can! My dh was a virgin at 29, when we married, so refraining from sex, even with someone you love, is entirely possible. I don't count myself as having struggled to long with this since I was 19 when we married, but I really admire my dh's restraint.

Biggest practical advice...don't put yourself in situations where you find yourself tempted. For most people, that would mean no cuddling on the couch with the lights out in one or the other's apartment with only the two of you there. Just use your knowledge of what sets up temptation for you, and avoid it.

[cappuccinosmom]

An explanation of the abstention POV, with Biblical references, can be found HERE. At the bottom of the article are links to other common sexual ethics questions, answered with a conservative Biblical leaning.

[annekh23]

Evie's Mama gives some great guidelines for how to live your life this way. Point 2 is particularly important and if you share a bit more about your current situation, then we might be able to give practical tips on this. Additionally, if you are wondering how far can you go, it's probably more constructive for your avoidance of what you are very clear on, no sex, to withdraw further, so that if you slip you have plenty of slope to slide down to catch yourselves!

I consider myself very blessed by the Lord to have handed my life over to Him before anything like this was even a possibility, it's much easier to never have sex (or take drugs, or smoke, etc) than it is to have done that, become aware that it isn't God's plan and have to stop.

[genifer]

I think its awesome that you made that committment in the first place!!! Way to go you guys!! Honestly just keep in mind the blessing it will have been when you do get married!

How long do you have to wait?

It WILL be worth the wait!

[AnnieNimIty]

Wow! Good for you guys! Stopping having sex is amazingly hard. Kudos to you both. But God will bless you for it.
My husband and I were both virgins before we got married (21 and 24), so it kind of made the temptation easier to deal with than if we had done it. I hope that makes sense. Once you turn on those strong emotions turning them down or off is herculean. I believe God built those emotions and feelings into us for a very positive reason.
BUT, we tried to never put ourselves in a situation where it could happen. Like a pp said, no dark rooms on the couch. We went so far as to not be alone in a house, or apartment, or parked car. At one point we had a long car trip we had to take, so my little sister chaperoned. You can defiantly not do it. Just don't put yourself in situations where you can slip.
Think how far away can I get from the threshold of not ok, not how close is too close, or how far can we go and still be ok.

[mamabadger]

Originally Posted by ObliviousAnnette

Think how far away can I get from the threshold of not ok, not how close is too close, or how far can we go and still be ok.

I definitely agree with that one.

For me, it helped to put things in context. I think part of the reason even devout people are often unchaste is that they have adopted the modern view of sex as a trivial act. It is not a question of "sex is bad," at least from my church's understanding. It is that sex is of too great a significance to use frivolously. It is the way God gave us to produce children, which means bringing new immortal beings into the world, which should not be risked unless we are prepared to welcome and care for them properly. Maybe more important, it establishes a spiritual union and sets up responsibilities, whether we voluntarily accept them or not.

[cappuccinosmom]

It is not a question of "sex is bad," at least from my church's understanding. It is that sex is of too great a significance to use frivolously. It is the way God gave us to produce children, which means bringing new immortal beings into the world, which should not be risked unless we are prepared to welcome and care for them properly. Maybe more important, it establishes a spiritual union and sets up responsibilities, whether we voluntarily accept them or not.

[TefferTWH]

This would be an awesome time to learn NFP if you aren't already. You could both learn together, and there's a great support system with it too. It's an entirely non-secular message and it's truly about the celebration of sex as it's intended by God.

[dogretro]

BTDT, married the guy From the time we started dating until the time we got married was about 2.5 years. We became sexually intimate early on in our relationship (we were both Christians then, too) & struggled on and off w/ not being intimate. What finally got us to stop was writing a contract. Our engagement was 2 years long (my family's rule is that if you are in college, you have to finish before getting married ) & we wrote the contract nine months before the wedding. It was v detailed and we actually had a friend sign it. We gave copies to our pastor and my parents (who really didn't care, lol). We decided that if we could not uphold the rules of the contract, we could not uphold the vows of marriage. Breaking the contract meant an end to the engagement. We were allowed to hang out alone as much as we wanted b/c our contract involved rules like NO KISSING. Yes, it was "extreme", but one thing always leads to another, doesn't it We were allowed to hold hands and hug, but that was about it. At first it was tough, but we got used to it. There was no more guilt, just a lot of looking forward to the wedding night, haha! It took so much pressure off of us b/c there was no more fuzzy line, but a big, bold line drawn that we were not to step over.

It was quite embarrassing to have so many people know that we had DTD and were now stopping & not even kissing. Many thought we were nuts for the no kissing, but they understood why, for us, it was extremely important. Do not strike a match if you don't plan to light a fire. So, you have my full support, you CAN stop things at any time!

[TzippityDoulah]

Originally Posted by dogretro

BTDT, married the guy From the time we started dating until the time we got married was about 2.5 years. We became sexually intimate early on in our relationship (we were both Christians then, too) & struggled on and off w/ not being intimate. What finally got us to stop was writing a contract. Our engagement was 2 years long (my family's rule is that if you are in college, you have to finish before getting married ) & we wrote the contract nine months before the wedding. It was v detailed and we actually had a friend sign it. We gave copies to our pastor and my parents (who really didn't care, lol). We decided that if we could not uphold the rules of the contract, we could not uphold the vows of marriage. Breaking the contract meant an end to the engagement. We were allowed to hang out alone as much as we wanted b/c our contract involved rules like NO KISSING. Yes, it was "extreme", but one thing always leads to another, doesn't it We were allowed to hold hands and hug, but that was about it. At first it was tough, but we got used to it. There was no more guilt, just a lot of looking forward to the wedding night, haha! It took so much pressure off of us b/c there was no more fuzzy line, but a big, bold line drawn that we were not to step over.

It was quite embarrassing to have so many people know that we had DTD and were now stopping & not even kissing. Many thought we were nuts for the no kissing, but they understood why, for us, it was extremely important. Do not strike a match if you don't plan to light a fire. So, you have my full support, you CAN stop things at any time!

wow! this is great to share here! perfect example of the fact that you CAN have self control even when it feels like you can't. we are a spoiled society and so used to indulging in what we want when we want - and the sad thing is we lose the beauty of these things when we do that.

it's not abut what not to do, but what to do!

instead of saying "no sex" say " we will stay pure by not becoming sexually involved."
you need to be realistic. sex unites two people in a very spiritual way. you all will never stop wanting to have sex. it will NEVER be easy to say no. you must work hard to put fences around fences around fences to keep you from slipping down hard and fast.

I agree with the idea of not making out on a couch - but really? that's just sex without the fluid exchange. yk? you need to be going farther - as in not being alone in that room to begin with.

you could just avoid the act of actual "fluid exchange".... but really you would be missing our on so much. sex is much much much more than that. when you are married your sexual life isn't a single act. it's tender kisses, glances, giggles, touching, petting, serving one another, and even getting up with the baby in the middle of the night so your beloved can sleep. sex is all entangled in a marital relationship. when married you never have to think "I hope this kiss will not turn me on too much so that I will not be able to resist him!" you won't even have to think such things. you are able to let go of this worry and be open with your spouse. you can rest in that openness. sex becomes an intimate bond that makes you inseparable spiritually. it bonds you eternally.

I guess I mean to say if you view sex as just an act - a single act of being in bed together without clothing - it's missing the entire point of what sex is meant to be.

the reason why one should not have sex before they are married is because includes SO much. it awakes in your a spiritual hunger for one another - not just physical. it opens a realm that wasn't previously there. and when you stop having sex (which you should!) it will be like trying to close a door while wild winds are blowing. it will be a conscious continuous effort to keep that door from blowing open. when the door was never opened to begin with you would hear the wind howling, and perhaps even knocking a the door. but you were safe inside so long as you stayed away from that door. but once opened, it takes serious effort to keep it closed.

you CAN do this. you just need to be diligent and serious about it. it's no easy thing to do - but it completely worthwhile. God honors sincerity.