who is right?

[Kirsten]

Complicated situation - your input, please.

My friend A is getting remarried. Previously she was married and had kids with my ex-friend B. I knew B first (since we were five) and just met A when she was dating B. Long story on why I am close to A but no longer speak to B, but it doesn't really affect the question.

Ok, so A was originally getting married this summer. then eloping instead. Now a small ceremony in town this weekend. In talking to friend C (who knows all parties involved too) I happened to mention going to A's wedding. C assumed B knew the wedding date, as A and B have kids together. He mentioned to B, and B was surprised/angry. Now I feel awful for having mentioned, as B immediately called A - I assume less than pleasant. I am also worried he will cause trouble at the wedding, and hoping he doesn't know where it is... Ugh.

So to the question! Friend C thinks it is friend B's right to know when A gets married as they have kids together and it affects him. I think he doesn't need to know until AFTER - to avoid any chance of him making trouble.

C thinks A's remarriage could affect custody, visitation, child support, taxes, etc. I disagreed. Who is right? Kids are 7 and 5 if that matters, and I think B has them EOW? C also thinks A's marriage may affect A's about to be dp ability to sign permission slips for the kids' field trips, see them in the hospital, etc.

So what say you?

[doubledutch]

i honestly don't know whether it affects all the things mentioned, but i 100% agree with you that it would have been absolutely fine for B to find out "hey, i got married!" rather than, "i'm getting married on this date."

eta: don't feel bad about mentioning it, or about B finding out. it wasn't a secret.

[MissLotus]

I think he would have found out the date anyway - the kids are 5 and 7, old enough to be talking about it!

[RollerCoasterMama]

It shouldn't affect child support, custody, taxes, etc whether she remarries.

It is a bit surprising the kids hadn't mentioned it already at those ages! DS outed me that we were getting a kitten when he was not quite 3. When he has news, he blabs! (It wasn't a big deal...I actually told him on purpose to see how long it took for him to mention it.)

I have 2 opinions about whether the other parent deserves to know. I think that something that impacts your mutual children so significantly is something that should be shared. Bringing in a step-parent changes the dynamic. However, if it's the type of relationship that you have legit concern X might disrupt the ceremony, then keeping it quiet makes sense. But if she was telling her children (and I hope she would, they deserve that respect too!) then X is going to find out (short of asking them to keep it quiet too and THAT is a whole other ball of wax!!!).

I'd probably feel the same in your shoes, mostly because I hate to be the person that sparks drama. But I don't think you did anything wrong and I don't think your other friend did anything wrong.

[Kirsten]

Originally Posted by MissLotus

I think he would have found out the date anyway - the kids are 5 and 7, old enough to be talking about it!

You'd think - but apparently not. B was surprised when C mentioned it being this weekend. He had had the kids for a week just prior, and they said nothing. However, even though B has moved on and is living with his girlfriend, I think he still has bad feelings about A and her soon to be dp.

I have talked to C about keeping B busy on the date of the wedding. C is sure B won't show up and cause trouble, but I wouldn't put it past him. I'll be there, so I guess we'll see tomorrow... C says B's choices are his own responsibility, not mine. Which I understand, but he wouldn't have had the opportunity to even know about it without me mentioning to C and C mentioning to B... Ugh.

Fingers crossed that the mad phone call was all that comes of it. I already fessed up to A as far as my part in it, and I think she is fine. I just want tomorrow to go off without a hitch, then I can stop worrying.

[pranamama]

C should have stayed out of it. What C did was meddling. C should have told friend that so and so should be notified and left it up to that friend whether to tell x or not.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by pranamama

C should have stayed out of it. What C did was meddling. C should have told friend that so and so should be notified and left it up to that friend whether to tell x or not.

absolutely!!!!

what is between a and b is just between them. not c coming in and deciding what is right or not. probably doesnt even know the big picture.

and who knows. probably a didnt speak at all about the marriage to the kids so the kids knew nothing of the plans. perhaps because of the potential trouble reason a kept it a secret from b.

hope the wedding goes off allright for your friend this weekend. let us know.

[Kirsten]

Wedding and reception were perfect - and no B to be seen! I don't think C was meddling when mentioning it; I think there was honest shock that B didn't know already. The kids did know; why they didn't mention is unknown. Maybe too busy playing; maybe smarter than their years and knew their dad would flip when he found out their mom was getting remarried. Hard to say.

But A made the most GORGEOUS bride... I am just glad a comment I made didn't end up with drama at her wedding. I was sweating it for a day or two....