"Can we pretend the baby is dead?"

[Wild Lupine]

Said the three year old today.

For various reasons our daughter is very interested in death right now and asking all sorts of questions about it.

I didn't respond very well at first, sort of shut her down by telling her the idea of pretending the baby was dead made me very sad and I didn't want to do that. After I had a moment to think I suggested pretending one of her dolls was dead.

Part of me feels like we're venturing into useful spiritual territory, part of me feels playing 'pretend the doll is dead' with my preschooler is bordering on crazy-ville. I really have no idea what I'm doing here.

So, experienced Mamas and Papas, help me. How do I help my daughter explore her questions about death without traumatizing her or trivializing the subject?

And, no I don't think this her original question about pretending the baby is dead was rooted in jealousy or rivalry. They get along fairly well and she switched to pretending the doll is dead very easily. She's very curious about death and making everything into pretend play.

[sunnmama]

My very imaginative dd went through a phase of death-exploration at 3-4. I think it is pretty normal.

Your response about the baby was great. Suggesting a doll or stuffed animal is fine. I'd just follow her lead, and feel free to stop playing the game if it is upsetting to you. "How about you play that game while I _____." or even "I don't like playing games about people being dead, because it makes me sad."

You know, I have a 3 yo son now, and he is also exploring death....but in a very different way. He plays SUPERHEROES! and BAD GUYS! and the superheroes make the badguys DEAD! And somehow it is a lot less upsetting to me than pretending the dolly that represents a baby is dead, kwim? But, regardless, kids this age process big concepts through play, and death is a Big Concept.

[lilyka]

i think this is fine.

While I would not have played "lets the pretend the baby is dead we may have talked about it." how would we feel? what would we do? Wouldn't it be sad if your sister wasn't here with us? And I think using a doll was brilliant! you can explore all those feelings without beinging the real baby into it.

[busymama77]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

My very imaginative dd went through a phase of death-exploration at 3-4. I think it is pretty normal.

Your response about the baby was great. Suggesting a doll or stuffed animal is fine. I'd just follow her lead, and feel free to stop playing the game if it is upsetting to you. "How about you play that game while I _____." or even "I don't like playing games about people being dead, because it makes me sad."

You know, I have a 3 yo son now, and he is also exploring death....but in a very different way. He plays SUPERHEROES! and BAD GUYS! and the superheroes make the badguys DEAD! And somehow it is a lot less upsetting to me than pretending the dolly that represents a baby is dead, kwim? But, regardless, kids this age process big concepts through play, and death is a Big Concept.

I totally agree as my 4yo is doing the same (bolded part).
The way you handled it, OP, was spot on!

[Belia]

My nephew went through something a little similar, although I think he was a little older. 4 1/2 or 5 1/2. We were decorating the Christmas tree and I was taking like a zillion pictures. And he wanted me to take pictures of him looking like he was dead. And those were his exact words.

I live 2 states away from my nephew so am not involved in his day-to-day, but I remember being shocked and thinking "What do I say now?!?!?" No idea how long that phase lasted or anything or what my sister did about it.

Just wanted you to know you weren't alone.

[limabean]

There was an episode of Little Bear recently where they pretended that Emily's doll Lucy died, and they had a funeral for her and everything. I was sort of surprised at the subject matter at first, but it was handled in the usual very gentle Little Bear fashion, and was actually kind of useful for DS, I think. Maybe you could get that episode on DVD or something.

[SunshineJ]

I'll admit that while for the most part I'm pretty go with the flow laid back when it comes to what my kids come up with, I would have been pretty stunned by that request as well! I think you handled it beautifly! You gave her a good, solid reason not to pretend someone living was dead, yet you didn't stifle her curiosity on the matter and instead switched it to something that was an appropriate "play" item. Well done!

[ashleyhaugh]

ive been in the older preschool room at work lately (older 3's, mostly 4's and a few new 5's) and its a very popular topic/playground game lately.... along with having a baby in your tummy

i think its a pretty age appropriate exploration

[Sierra]

Oh yeah, I think a fascination with death is very common for kids in the 3-5 range, especially those little 3 year olds!

In fact, my almost-4 and almost-5 year old had so many questions about death that last month when our 12 year old dog's pain from cancer that couldn't be effectively treated became too much and we made the very difficult decision to "put her down," we gave our (very sad) kids the option of being in the room. They did opt to be in the room indeed. I was really unsure of our decision, but it seemed to be really helpful to them when all was said and done.

[MamaRhi]

Kids are so beautifully honest about what is on their minds. I think it's a really good idea to explore what death is and means when kids ask. Birth as well. And always be honest about your own comfort level, giving them an out to explore their own feelings without you. (Like using the doll to pretend, rather than the baby sister.) But at some point I think I'd also want to discuss the difference between the pretend and the real, but mostly with the little boys who seem to inevitably come up with pretend play that involves actual killing ideas (even if they are "bad guys").

[alexsam]

Just as something to think about too... Children of this age might be interested in death but they do not have a complete sense of what it is. They do not always fully understand the permanence, the idea of prolonged grief, etc. To many very young children, they are still fuzzy on death. So they will say "Pretend I'm dead! OK, now I'm alive! Now you're dead!" In my son's play with other little boys his age, "dead" means a temporary pause. "Your're dead!" means they fall down, lay there smiling with a toungue out, then they get back up and play again.

In other words, their idea of death, the level at which they want to explore it, the depth and full feeling that go with it are not what WE associate with death. I'm not negating their play or the fact that they want to address it in some way, just saying that every time they say "Pretend I'm dead!" doesn't mean they want to play funeral and grief and pain and eternity .

I usually let my son lead. "Pretend I'm dead!" and he flops on the floor. Then I say "OK- what do I do now?" and he tells me all different things "Give me medicine and I'll get up!" or "Put a blanket on me!" or "I'm alive again!". Death is complicated and it takes a long time to really understand how it all works. It comes with time. And play is a way to work out bits of things at a time, to try out ideas and scenarios and feelings, some of which reflect things that are "real" and some not. Play doesn't have to be real. He's no more "dead" than he is a robot or astronaut. So, I let it go at his pace. When REAL death comes up, we are serious about it. But, I don't try to put all that into play and I try not to burden it with my adult perceptions of death.

[Norasmomma]

My 3 year old is also interested in death. It's been a phase that started last summer when our 14 y/o dog had to be put to sleep, then more recently DH's grandmother died and we all went to her funeral, she tells people that great g-ma is dead. She also says when one of her DVDs is on with an ad for the Wiggles with Steve Irwin that "Steve died." If someone has died she asks us why, DH and I are pretty upfront about things(well as upfront as you can be with a 3 y/o). Recently there have been a number of people who we know young and old who have passed away. It's a strange thing to deal with, but we are just taking it in stride and not hiding it from her.

[hopefulfaith]

This is a good thread. My 4 & 3 year olds play this all the time, and it really, really, really, really bothered me. I feel reassured that other moms' kids play this, too.

My daughter always talks about how she wants to see dinosaurs in heaven. Her POV: When people die, they go to heaven. Hence, if dinosaurs are all dead now, obviously they are in heaven. She is planning on asking God to see T-Rex and a brontosaurus, specifically.

[Wild Lupine]

It is so reassuring to hear that other kids play these games, too. It makes sense that they would need to play out such a big concept to try to understand it. We've been reading Mountains of Tibet and I just found a book called Lifetimes that looks like it would be good at explaining the lifecycle to young kids.

I agree that she doesn't understand the permanence of death yet- that's definitely fuzzy for her- I imagine that takes a long time to develop.

[Smithie]

I'll second the book suggestion. "Lifetimes" is the best book I've ever seen to use with young children who are learning about death, at least for those of us who don't go the angels/harps/wings/heaven route. It is the book our Temple librarian selected to put on the shelves, which I suppose means it's a good fit with Jewish theology, but it is a secular book.

OP, my 3-and-5 year old natter on endlessly about death. Other than redirecting any play centered on the imagined death of a real person (such as their baby sister ), I just go with the flow. Their play HAS made me realize that those old Disney movies really glorify dead white chicks, but as others have said, the "death" is transient and Snow White pops right up as soon as she gets bored.

They also flood the earth and destroy all of humanity except Noah and his family on a daily basis.