Changing plans

[Ceinwen]

It is my ex's 'parenting time' with our two girls this weekend. Last week, our older dd (age 7) received a birthday invitation for this Sunday. I called ex, let him know about it, asked if dd could go (it falls on his 'time'), offered to drive both ways, get the gift, etc. Ex said sure, no problem, it was at the end of the day Sunday, no big deal.

Well, we're talking this afternoon, and I remind him about the party. Of course, now he's all 'Oh, well we're going to my parents on Sunday...' (which is an hour away) I'm thinking 'WTF?' We already rsvp'd to this party, I've purchased a gift, etc. If you didn't want dd to go, just say no at the time! Now dd is upset, and I'm trying not to put this on her father, but at the same time - come on!

Now he's being super passive aggressive, 'I'll call you tomorrow, so we can talk about it'. Yeah, cause I have zero plans this weekend, just limitless time to sit around waiting for your phone call and decision. FTR, they go to his parents every weekend he has them, not always on the same day, or for the same amount of time.

I'm just really frustrated that he can still hold me hostage at this point in our divorce. I shouldn't even have asked about the party, but dd is old enough to realize when things fall on her dad's weekend, and he's told me in the past that he'd like to be able to let her go to these things if he can. So, now I get to sit and wait for him to call me tomorrow (I'm in ER trauma training all day) and I'm sure he'll put it off on me to dd by telling her I told him the party was on Saturday, but they're busy on Sunday, etc.

Another famous move of his.

[blessingscome]

to both you and your dd.

You're right... it's not fair. And it's also not fair that there's very little to be done about it.

[pranamama]

it might be easier to notify ex of the party next time and ask if he'll rsvp and if he'll be taking dd. my dd's missed lots of parties... HUGS to your dd

[meemee]

ah ceinwen, this is part of getting used to being a parent.

i would give him the benefit of the doubt. yes of course its unfair blaming you. however he might have been ok with the party - but since its not his thing, he forgot - made other plans and now blames you for his forgetting. let me tell you we have been on this path a few times. he goofed up and now has to rush and change plans.

it happens. dont use your energy to get mad. that is if this is the first time. he is not holding you hostage and i am sorry it feels like that to you. he messed up and now he's left scrambling - even more so if he himself had made plans.

hope he can make his ducks line up so his dd can go to the party.

you will just have to figure out how to remind him better even if it is not your job. you keep doing that and after some time he will finally get a hang of it. even after 6 years i still have to remind ex.

[homewithtwinsmama]

Originally Posted by Ceinwen

It is my ex's 'parenting time' with our two girls this weekend. Last week, our older dd (age 7) received a birthday invitation for this Sunday. I called ex, let him know about it, asked if dd could go (it falls on his 'time'), offered to drive both ways, get the gift, etc. Ex said sure, no problem, it was at the end of the day Sunday, no big deal.

Well, we're talking this afternoon, and I remind him about the party. Of course, now he's all 'Oh, well we're going to my parents on Sunday...' (which is an hour away) I'm thinking 'WTF?' We already rsvp'd to this party, I've purchased a gift, etc. If you didn't want dd to go, just say no at the time! Now dd is upset, and I'm trying not to put this on her father, but at the same time - come on!

Now he's being super passive aggressive, 'I'll call you tomorrow, so we can talk about it'. Yeah, cause I have zero plans this weekend, just limitless time to sit around waiting for your phone call and decision. FTR, they go to his parents every weekend he has them, not always on the same day, or for the same amount of time.

I'm just really frustrated that he can still hold me hostage at this point in our divorce. I shouldn't even have asked about the party, but dd is old enough to realize when things fall on her dad's weekend, and he's told me in the past that he'd like to be able to let her go to these things if he can. So, now I get to sit and wait for him to call me tomorrow (I'm in ER trauma training all day) and I'm sure he'll put it off on me to dd by telling her I told him the party was on Saturday, but they're busy on Sunday, etc.

Another famous move of his.

Not to be mean, but I think this one was your fault. It was his parenting weekend. Send him the invitation and tell him his child really wants to go. Don't offer to do his job for him that weekend. If they have a sports game that weekend do you do all the driving, etc. or does he. I really think that a true parent, parents. Meaning they are checked in to their kid's life and help facilitate their activities and friendships. You set this up so he could do this to you. You could have set it up so that if there was disappointment it was all on him.

[singin'intherain]

Well, yes, but you didn't do all that planning so you could enable his lax parenting... you did it because the party is important to your dd and you don't want to squabble with him or nag- you'd rather just suck it up and go the extra mile to try and get her there. He should be on top of getting dd to her activities on his weekend, but he's not. At least he could be considerate enough to remember that he had agreed to let you take her to the party. It's the kind of stuff you hope to leave behind when you get a divorce from someone, that unfortunately never completely goes away. In the future,you might want to be up front with your dd that if it's on his weekend, it might not happen... it's bad for her, but so is having a stressed and entangled mama....

[Ceinwen]

Thank you for all the input!

meemee, I think I you. I always appreciate your refreshing look at things; it generally makes me sit back and really examine the situation.

homewithtwinsmama, while I completely understand (and on some level - agree) I assure you, this was not set up with the intention having this happen.

Most times exdp can't be bothered to bother with these sorts of activities, hence the standard agreement for me to do the running/prep and he'll 'allow' it during his time.

My goal is to keep dd as centered and healthy/happy as possible. I suppose we have more work to do as co-parents... Which brings me to another thread about moving - which I'll go and start!

[meemee]

Originally Posted by Ceinwen

My goal is to keep dd as centered and healthy/happy as possible. I suppose we have more work to do as co-parents... Which brings me to another thread about moving - which I'll go and start!

yup yup. sometimes that means you have to parent both child and ex. i do both. today i do it happily. because i 'know'. i know i have to remind ex that i am going to pick dd up on his day to take her to something. now i remember when he does it on my day. so he doesnt need to remind me.

hah!!! things wouldnt go so smoothly otherwise and dd would suffer ultimately.

have you read some of steph's posts of what she does. way bends backwards to give owen's dad all the chances - always persistently even though he rarely takes her up on it.

i think being understanding ultimately in the LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG run also helps the parent relationship. esp. if you move 4 hours away.

so did dd make it to the bday?

[Super~Single~Mama]

I agree with homewithtwinsmama, but I think there might be a way for you to address it with your ex.

Can you ask him (when there is no party coming up, nothing to rsvp to, no plans) which approach he would rather you take?

Ask whether its better for him if you forward teh invitation to him, so that he can plan the weekend himself

OR

if its better for you to talk to him about the invite, and thenyou plan on providing transportation, etc. When you bring this option up, you can remind him that this time it didn't work very well. I would really want this option for myself - when my ex has my son he's the parent - and should be the one taking responsibility for what is happening with my son during that time. Other people may think differently.

[blessingscome]

Originally Posted by homewithtwinsmama

Not to be mean, but I think this one was your fault. It was his parenting weekend. Send him the invitation and tell him his child really wants to go. Don't offer to do his job for him that weekend. If they have a sports game that weekend do you do all the driving, etc. or does he. I really think that a true parent, parents. Meaning they are checked in to their kid's life and help facilitate their activities and friendships. You set this up so he could do this to you. You could have set it up so that if there was disappointment it was all on him.

This works IF the parent is a true parent. Yes, the OP could have told the dad to take care of it himself. But she also wanted to enable her dd to attend. In this case it sounds like the dad does is not checked into his child's activities and friendships. So yes, the OP could have done exactly what you're describing and could have left it all up to the dad. But... she'd have been hurting her dd at the price of protecting herself. I think she took the high road by leaving herself open to his hurting her like this.

It's a question of what is better for the dd... allowing the co-parent to fail or enabling him in order to provide a better option for dd. It's a tough call and leaves yourself open to hurt no matter what you choose.

[violet_]

In our situation, DH's ex just sends us the invitation if it's on "our time" and we deal with it. I can't imagine her running around and shuttling the kids while we gave up our time with them. I think if you try this, he will step up (eventually), or if he doesn't, then it's on him and not you and while the outcome is the same at least you're not burdened by the additional stress. If it's on his time you have to/get to let it go.

Also, how often does your children's father see them? Sometimes when you only get a few days a month it can be much more appealing to have quality kid time or time with their extended family than to basically sit with a bunch of adults at a kid party. Of course the kid wants to go to the party so you have to balance that, but I can see how it would be easy to get excited about seeing the kids and making plans and forget about a party that didn't sound very appealing. In our case, we ask the kids how important a particular party is and act accordingly.