"I'm a bad boy! A bad boy!'

[annettemarie]

So, my six-year-old has started this thing where every single time he's disciplined-- and I use this word very very loosely-- he bangs himself in the head and says "I'm a bad boy! A bad boy!"

No one here hits him, I swear. I know exactly where he got it from. Harry Potter. It's half house elf "punishing" himself when he does something wrong, half a repetition of Dobby when he says "Draco Malfoy is a bad boy... a bad boy."

Who would have thought Harry Potter would lead me wrong.

He does this if we tell him no, if he tracks in mud and we say "You tracked in mud," if he gets in trouble for something. It's pretty much becoming his default reaction for any situation that doesn't go his way. My instinct is telling me this is purely for dramatic effect.

At first, I tried the whole "You're not a bad boy. We love you." thing, but it only seemed to drive the drama up a notch.

I tried ignoring it, but (a) it REALLY bothers me, (b) it freaks out the toddler and (c) the older children tell him not to do it. They're not good ignorers like me, .

So then I thought, well, I'll send him up to sit on his bed every time he does it. So I've been saying "Look, it really bothers me when you do that, so if you need to do it, please do it upstairs."

But now I'm really worried that I'm giving him some sort of horrible self-esteem complex and he's going to grow up to be sad and depressed.

So tell me how to make him stop or why I shouldn't make him stop or that he needs therapy or something. I need to talk this over with someone.

[JMJ]

Maybe he's got a feeling he needs validated. What if you tried patiently asking, "Do you think that tracking in mud makes you a bad boy?"

[claras_mom]

My five year old won't let me say I'm a bad mom; maybe you could snap him out of it by imitating the behavior? Like if he sees how silly it is? And then talk?

My default snap-dd-out-of-it is to totally, seriously agree with her. Usually freaks her out sufficiently that we can talk about it.

Although I'm probably giving her some kind of complex in the process.

[annettemarie]

Maybe our kids could be in group therapy together.

[claras_mom]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

Maybe our kids could be in group therapy together.

Totally sort of off topic....once, a number of months ago, I was detailing the various difficulties of dd to my therapist. And she does kid therapy, so had all kinds of garden-variety, limit setting strategies for me to try. Fine. I had in fact tried them and they don't work well.

So then more recently, we ran into her at the local big box mall, where she saw dd carrying her sister and bouncing between restaurants, (I was one place; dh was the other) and generally being her highly independent uncoachable self.

I wonder what strategies she would have for me now....?

[Wild Lupine]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

My instinct is telling me this is purely for dramatic effect.

At first, I tried the whole "You're not a bad boy. We love you." thing, but it only seemed to drive the drama up a notch.

If you really think he's doing it for drama, and there isn't an underlying self-esteem or shame issue going on, can you lighten it by playing along? Like maybe throw him a pair of socks and telling him he's finally free?

[eepster]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

So then I thought, well, I'll send him up to sit on his bed every time he does it. So I've been saying "Look, it really bothers me when you do that, so if you need to do it, please do it upstairs."

But now I'm really worried that I'm giving him some sort of horrible self-esteem complex and he's going to grow up to be sad and depressed.

I think this is a perfectly reasonable approach. I don't see why it would lead to low self-esteem or long term depression. It's not like you want to yell at him "YES, yes you are a terribly bad boy who will never amount to anything! Now get out of my sight!"

[annettemarie]

I'll try tossing a sock at him and if that doesn't work, we'll just carry on, I guess. It does make me sad, but I have to remember what a drama king he is.

[AnnieA]

Maybe cut back on the HP for a couple of weeks?

In all seriousness, I would have a convo with him when he's not in the middle of doing it and explain that it bothers his little brother and makes you concerned and can he please work on not doing that when he is being corrected?

[hipumpkins]

Show him Abbott and Costello and see if he can at least get a good mimic down

[One_Girl]

My dd mutters that I don't love her when she doesn't get her way or when I scold her sometimes. She also says she will move to her friend's house and bring all of her toys. She has always been dramatic and I think she realized that this was working because I would automatically switch gears and reassure her that I love her. Lately though I have been telling her that I love her but we aren't talking about love and remind her of the topic and she switches gears and stays on topic most of the time. I believe this is one of the things Adele Faber suggests in How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk.

[LynnS6]

OK, it'd probably win me "Worst Parent of the Year" award but when he did that, I'd get all dramatic back -- "Oh my gosh! You are sooo right. Tracking dirt in like that! I cannot believe how horrible that is. I don't know ANY child who does that. Clearly I've failed as a parent. I don't know what I'm going to do..."

It does help my drama queen when I do that.

[claras_mom]

Originally Posted by One_Girl

My dd mutters that I don't love her when she doesn't get her way or when I scold her sometimes. She also says she will move to her friend's house and bring all of her toys. She has always been dramatic and I think she realized that this was working because I would automatically switch gears and reassure her that I love her. Lately though I have been telling her that I love her but we aren't talking about love and remind her of the topic and she switches gears and stays on topic most of the time. I believe this is one of the things Adele Faber suggests in How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk.

My daughter's going through the whole, "you're not my friend, you're not my mom" thing. That is, when it's not "you're the meanest mom in the whole world."

Went so far recently as to suggest that I should just move out and go live with my mom. It sounded pretty good, except, you know, for the whole I'm in California and she's in Texas thing. Be kind of hard to get everyone up in the morning and cook dinner and all.

Usually we're both pretty pissed off during these exchanges.

Originally Posted by LynnS6

OK, it'd probably win me "Worst Parent of the Year" award but when he did that, I'd get all dramatic back -- "Oh my gosh! You are sooo right. Tracking dirt in like that! I cannot believe how horrible that is. I don't know ANY child who does that. Clearly I've failed as a parent. I don't know what I'm going to do..."

It does help my drama queen when I do that.

We'd share Worst Parent, then.

[Althetrainer]

Negative behavior

My son exhibits the same type of negative behavior. Started from early age he would send himself to his room when he realized that he did something "wrong". When something happened he would say "It's all my fault" even it's not.

At first, we tried to explain to him that it was not his fault. But the more we tried the more he would say it was. We finally came to realize that he did that to get reassurance from us: to know that we're not mad at him and that he wanted to hear us saying "it's not your fault".

Our son is 8 now and he no longer sends himself to his room. But he still self accuses when something goes wrong that's out of his control. My way of dealing with his negative behavior is to let him vent it out then talk to him once he will listen to me. I usually ask him "what makes you think it's your fault?" If there's a reason that leads him to believe that way he will be able to tell me. If not, I will know it's just his way to get reassurance from me. If he ignores me I just let him do his thing until he's chilled and ready to talk.

I know it's hard to watch our children behaving this way. Just remember it's a way for them to get our attention. In order word, they know which button to push to get to us. Trying not to echo his behavior probably is the best thing that we can do. If you worry that he will physically hurt himself, a change of scenery may shift his attention i.e. bring up something that interests him yet is completely unrelated to the incident.

There's very little we can do to stop them completely. We just have to be patience and keep cool. Also, you can explain to other kids that he needs to express himself and that you will talk to him once he's calm. Hopefully one day they will realize the button no longer works and will grow out of it. :-)

Al

[annettemarie]

You all are genius!

So, he had tapered off a bit with the naughty house elf routine, but started up the other night. I took off my sock, whipped it at his head, and yelled "You're free, Nicholas!!!! I have released you and given you clothes! You no longer need to punish yourself."

I think we rolled on the floor laughing together for 10 minutes.

He started it today and my oldest said "Uh uh. You've been given clothes, remember?"

As long as he's not going to wanting paid, I think we've licked this one. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

[Surfacing]