I've been reading some of Borg's blog posts on the Washington Post online - good stuff! Well, except for many of the comments which make me sad.
post #21 of 194
1/25/10 at 5:30pm
I feel like a dork, but I'm getting excited. I am going to check out the Episcopal church here on Sunday, because I'm interested in their contemporary worship choir, but a few weeks from now, I'm also going to check out a local church that is self-described as being quite progressive. There is also an evening group that meets for worship and is affiliated with another church and it was actually "founded" by some grads and post-grads here (I'm in a college town) who wanted a worship group and who also wanted a place where it was okay to "wonder" and question and such. They even have a weekly "Beer & Theology" (or something like that) meeting. I won't be attending that, but I like the idea of it! I want very badly to find a community. I feel so isolated in my belief and at the same time, I am extremely thankful for my life, for my son, my husband, my family, for everything. For being able to live where I do, for nature all around us! Anyway, I am tired of "hiding" my love and my thankfulness, and I really, really hope I can find some place where I can grow and love and worship and pray with others.
I do still feel very drawn to Judaism, but I don't know where to go from there. It doesn't really matter what *religion* I get "mixed up" with - I truly believe (in all senses of the word!) in the underlying truth that we seek and that God is in all of us.
I can't even express how good it feels to admit that. Yes...
I wanted to say, I am going to check out the alternative worship group, just not the Beer & Theology aspect of it, since it doesn't fit into my schedule.
Sort of an aside, as grateful as I am for my life and my family, I lately have been finding myself wishing I'd known more about "outside the box" religion before, and I realize I would've likely made some very, very different life choices if I had. My husband is an atheist and while we have quite divergent philosophical/religious standpoints, we have very similar political leanings, the same sort of vision for childrearing, etc. I admit that I didn't know that one could be both "religious" and "liberal" until pretty recently, and if I had, I wouldn't have thought I had to choose one or the other. I find myself sort of "longing" for a religious home and family. Like, I want to be able to share my belief with my son, and I agonize over how I will, when we can't even mention God here. I do think he'll be coming to whichever church/temple/whatnot I end up attending, but I just worry about this daily. I don't like the feeling of such a fragmented life. I know it's mostly me, but it's not that I am ashamed of my belief (I know my husband tends to think people who believe in God are "duped," but he *knows* I am "smart" and I don't think he understands enough about what God means to dismiss believers as he does...it's hard to explain, so I guess I am a *bit* "ashamed" not because I think it's embarrassing to believe in God, but because I know *my husband* has all these notions of what believers believe), but because I don't want to accept the coldness, the "shutting down" that will occur if I bring it up. I really don't like this disconnect. I wish he could "know" this aspect of who I am...love all of me. So I keep thinking of some alternate reality where I'd followed some other path and found my way into a more "faithful" household/relationship and could share all of this unabashedly. I know people who have this and it just seems...nice. But then, I look at my son and I look at my husband and I try to figure out why and how things are this way. I am not one who believes in fate or "meant to be" or so forth, but maybe I will be a light in my husband's life and while I'm giving up any hope that he'll believe in God or even his own soul (and I am *not* going to push either of those at all), I try to see the bright side...even though I don't know what that is.
At any rate, I'm going to stop hiding my explorations. Eventually. I keep all of my books hidden away. I can't bring myself not to quite yet. He knows I've been to the synagogue and to the Quaker meeting, although it's clear that I can't really discuss either experience (but I would love to). I'm not going to keep apprising him of my weekly plans, I'll just get up and go, but I don't need to "warn" him about them, either. We are married, but I also have to live my life. It's tough. But, I mean...religious freedom (and freedom from religion included) are so fundamental, I wouldn't deny them to anyone. Why am I denying them to myself?