son's friend lied to my face!

[ktmeyer]

My son is 10 years old. He has several friends in the neighborhood that he plays with, but the one he spends the most time with is Corey. The two of them often play well, but if they spend too long together they often end up arguing. A few times it has turned into Corey crying because of some injury...things like being shot with the nerf gun, when nerf gun war was what everyone was playing. I've told him that if he doesn't want to be shot with the nerf gun he can't play nerf war with Michael. Always minor things that lead to tears (in a 10 year old!). Anyway, I've limited how long they play with each other, which seems to have helped a lot, as they only get cranky with each other when they play too long.

Anyway, the other day Michael (my son) bought a tech deck (mini skateboard) from Corey that Corey didn't want anymore. He paid Corey 5 dollars, which seemed like a lot, but I left it between them. The next day Michael has me come outside to referee because Corey says he wants the tech deck back. But, he spent the 5 dollars. Corey says that the tech deck was really his older sisters, and she wants it back. This triggers an alarm with me, as his sister is 17, and seems a bit old for such a toy. So I asked him, why does your 17 year old sister have a tech deck? He says that it's from when she was much younger. Um...I don't think they had tech decks then. So I told Corey that if his sister really wants it back I will make Michael give it back, and I will pay Michael the 5 dollars, but that then Corey will owe ME 5 dollars. I also asked if his parents know that he sold his sister's toy and she wants it back. He says, "no". I asked, Corey, was it really your sister's tech deck? He says "no". So I said, ok, so you just want it back and spent the money so you made this up to get it back? "yes". WEll, Corey, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to make Michael give it back.

I was upset enough about that. Then the next day it comes out that he DIDN'T spend the money after all, he still had the 5 dollars and just wanted to get the tech deck back without giving back the money. He did give Michael the money, and Michael gave the toy back, and I told Michael no more exchanging toys or buying toys or whatever.

What really gets to me is that this kid lied WELL! I mean, there were flaws in his story, but he looked perfectly innocent the whole time. I would have totally believed him if it made more sense. My son has occaisionally tried to fib, but he is bad at it and you can always tell. This kid....it makes me nervous. But, my son has so much fun playing outside with the neighborhood kids, and there is no way to really avoid this one and still play with everyone else.

Any thoughts? I'm thinking to just let it go for now, but limit time together when possible.

[hillymum]

I've gone through this with a nine year old who's mom didn't believe he was capable of lying. It took him stealing a $50 note for her to realise he could lie even though I told her about his previous lies. All I could do was let this boy know lying to me didn't work and that I had lost respect for him, I do limit the time my son spends with him and talked with my. son about why.

[mamazee]

I have gone through almost this exact same scenaio, only with kids who are a little bit younger.

I decided I wasn't going to negotiate with a child whom I thought was lying, so I called her parents and dealt with it through them. And I, too, was getting angry, because I could see she wanted to take advantage of my dd. I didn't want to deal out of anger or be unfair due to my feelings of protection for my child. The girls, along with the other parents and I, came up with a solution that both kids were happy with. The girl was going through some seller's regret and didn't know how to handle it, and chose an inappropriate way. I didn't limit my dd's time with her, but my dd did naturally beome more cautious around her. They still play together sometimes, though not as often. But this girl will mature and hopefully get past some of these behavior issues, and they might be close again someday. Who knows?

[kalirush]

Kids in general have only a gentle grasp on the difference between real and pretend, and it makes them fabulous liars (because often, they are telling the truth as they see it, even if it's objectively contrary to reality).

So, don't be too freaked out by how good a liar the kid is. That said, with lying and kids you have to make certain that it's not a useful tactic for them, or they'll keep doing it.

[MadiMamacita]

fwiw, there were tech decks at least 10 years ago, so its technically possible it was his sisters.
glad you figured out the lie in any case!

[dogretro]

In this specific incident, I would not worry about it. It sounds like typical kid junk & your son did the right thing by defending himself and asking you for help. You got it sorted out & gave your son good advice: no buying things from other kids, lol!

[TiredX2]

Moved to Preteens & Teens

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by kalirush

Kids in general have only a gentle grasp on the difference between real and pretend, and it makes them fabulous liars (because often, they are telling the truth as they see it, even if it's objectively contrary to reality).

Sorry, but by 10, they should have a firm grasp on reality vs. pretend.

But, I wouldn't be too freaked out about this either. He wanted something, he tried to get it in an unacceptable way, and was caught. I'd think of this more as "I want the $5, I want the Tech Deck, can I get both?" It doesn't make him a master criminal. TBH his lie wasn't even that good - it belongs to his 17 yo sister??! Come on. When that came out, I would have said "OK, let's go talk with your sister!" Calling their bluff usually does it.

However, I would use this opportunity to talk to my kid about trust -- Corey has lost your trust, and should lose your son's. It could be a good lesson for your son about how to earn/lose trust. We've got a few kids in the neighborhood like that. I've flat out said "If so-and-so tells you something, don't believe them unless you see it with your own eyes."

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

Sorry, but by 10, they should have a firm grasp on reality vs. pretend.

Agreed. A five year old can get confused between truth and not truth, but 10 year olds know (or something is wrong with them).

However, I would use this opportunity to talk to my kid about trust -- Corey has lost your trust, and should lose your son's. It could be a good lesson for your son about how to earn/lose trust.

yes -- it's a learning opportunity. Handled correctly, it's a really good experience for your son. He'll meet people like that thorought life, so learning how to handle them while he still listens to his mom is a good thing!

[SilverFish]

i had a "friend" like this in my neighbourhood growing up. we used to go to my nana's to play because she had the best dress-up box and toys, but my nana basically had to frisk this kid before letting her leave because she stole so much stuff. we realized this after i went to her house to play and she told me a big story about how she ended up with the exact same toy dish set at her house that my nana used to have.

anyway, all my mom and nana had to do was let me know that they knew this girl was a liar and not above stealing stuff from her friends. it was my decision if i wanted to keep playing with her, but they would limit how much time she spent at our house, and i should know to be careful with my stuff around her. i still played with her occasionally, since there were only a couple girls my age in the neighbouhood, but her unsavoury character started coming out in other ways too, and i quickly found out that she really wasn't worth the trouble she caused.

let your kid know that you know his friend lied and tried to steal from him. if it was truly a one time thing, they'll patch it up and keep playing. if lying and cheating really do come that easily to him, your son will probably tire of dealing with that behavior and avoid him on his own.