Who are you, other than a mom?

[racheepoo]

I admit that I lost myself after my son was born...he was so high needs, I had a difficult marriage and not enough sleep for about 4 years. And now, it's a very high priority to me to keep that part that is just ME, not as a mommy. It's difficult because I'm the custodial parent, and outside of the hours I'm at class or work, I am with my son every moment. But I'm still ME, writing, taking baths, singing, blogging, whatever. I feel like I did myself a disservice by forgetting that I'm a woman with other interests, and slowly am reclaiming those as he gets older.

So, who are you outside of mommying? What do you do to nurture yourself? What do you love to do that you do just for you...even if you are a SAHM/WOHM/WAHM/whatever?

[Theoretica]

What a great question! I'm going to have to think on this to give a better answer, but here's what I've got for now.

I'm an activist for women's rights, which is really healing for me because I grew up in a fundamentalist mindset that was, and continues to be, very oppressive towards women. I used to be a newsletter editor, and I adore writing, but in recent years I've let that go more than I should. I enjoy crocheting but I'm not very good at it Still though, I like piling up in a rocking chair with my knitting, granny style! I am a gardener with a greenish thumb and a mild obsession with growing WAY too many seeds for the space I have I play piano, but again that's something I don't have (make?) time for since the kids. I was classically trained but without ongoing practice it goes by the wayside quickly. I really enjoy volunteering, another thing that gets nixed when I'm juggling kids though.

I'd kill for a decent bathtub...we only have showers (our tub leaks BAD) so I haven't had a bubble bath in years That's something I used to really do to recharge myself, take a scalding hot bath and read a book with headphones playing meditation music. AHHHH BLISS! I think I'd even get a hotel room just to do that.

Am I the only one that plans out all the things I'm going to do when the kids are grown? I've got LISTS baby!

[Theia]

Hmmm.... that is a great question. I am in the midst of trying to figure this out myself. Last year was super crazy and my time was consumed by survival and mothering DD. Now DD and I are in much better, more stable place. She is only 2yo though, so there's not much space between us.

Right now I am a Single SAHM. I am a survivor. I am a dirt worshiping tree hugger. I love to be outside in nature, and think all of it is beautiful in it's own way. I would like to relearn how to knit, and sew. I love to make jewelry, but not beading, I want real stuff from the earth. I love to have fun, dance and listen to music and see various types of live performances; dance, music, plays, etc. I love to explore spirituality and things connected to it like astrology, natural law, etc. I am new in my community and am working on finding my tribe and how I can best be a good member of this community.

I've been while doing this..... this felt a little like writing a singles ad: Single mom looking for tribe and love But the love I am currently seeking is more self-centered than another person.

But it also felt good to re-affirm these parts of myself that don't get as much attention as they might need. Thanks for starting this thread.

[racheepoo]

The year I spent in a house without a good bathtub was the worst of my life Seriously, it's survival for me. Theia I do that a lot too...I'm a single mom as well.

[claddaghmom]

Hmm, I don't know that being "mom" right now bothers me. Things are still new for me...perhaps that perspective will change down the road. It also helps that I go to school full time so I have *something* just for me.

Are you talking about identities here, or rejuvenation? Because I understand rejuvenation. Sometimes I just need to be alone to recharge.

[racheepoo]

Both. I'm more than a mom, and I don't mean "just" a mom, but I am a woman, an artist, a musician, a counselor, a writer, more. That's my identity. And I'm more than a mom in moments where I need me time, time to reconnect with my spirit and my soul. I think this is healthy not only for me, but for my son to see.

[bcblondie]

I LOVE this thread.
I am many things. I could pretty much just list them. I am a:

Christian
Runner
Swimmer
Artist
Craftster
Sew-er (not really skilled enough to be called seamstress. lol)
A wife, sister and a daughter
A friend
A bit of a treehugger

[Freedom~Mama]

Great thread! This is something I am really trying to figure out for myself. I had kids at 21 and really had no idea who I was or who/what I wanted to be. Now at almost 27 I still don't know because I haven't take the time or had the energy to figre out who/what else I am besides "Mom". I right now I would say these things are true about me:

I am a Student.
I am a dreamer.
I am a hopeless romantic.
I am highly sensitive (and trying to come to terms with it)
I am an Introvert.
I am Creative.
I am Sensual.
I am a Daughter, a Sister, and a friend.
I am a raw food enthusiast.
I am an Ethical Slut (great book for anyone that hasn't read it)
I am a Libertarian.
I am Me.

[honey-lilac]

Not to be snarky at ALL but I am the same person I was before kids.

Except now I'm more health-conscious and more cautious.

My interests have not changed, my self-identity hasn't changed.

The first few months after having DS were BRUTAL - very high needs. NO time to myself even to brush my teeth for months on end - just a screaming baby attached to me 24/7. It was hard. But after I started getting even a few minutes of time to MYSELF per day everything changed.

[Starflower]

Subbing. DD is 6-1/2 and has been needing even more attention than usual lately. In the meantime, I have been taking inventory of my own wants/passions/desires lately and trying to figure out where *I* fit into the equation of being DD's mom. DD is very intense and when I did finally start trying to do my own stuff, we had a lot of difficulties because DD felt very resentful of any time I wanted to spend on my own things - and we were homeschooling and I'm a SAHM, so it's not like I just up and left her. Things have evened out quite a bit with DD's needs vs. my own now, but I have gotten myself into other activities that seem to be taking away from rather than giving to my passions in life.

I have just been re-evaluating all of my activities to try and sort out the ones that don't further the things that make me feel alive.

Identity other than mom to DD in no particular order:

Artist (drawing and sculpture)
Musician (piano and singer)
Belly dancer
Costumer
Impromtu chef
Unitarian Universalist
Partner
Friend

I remember seeing a wonderful quote on a poster for an art show when I was in university that read: "I am a person first." I tend to get hung up on identity labels for myself for some reason, so this is something I tend to explore semi-regularly.

In addition to mommy-dom, I also do volunteering, but it's not necessarily taking me where I want to be. I've saddled myself with the identity of board member and board secretary. I am re-evaluating these. Sometimes I think of myself as a writer, and I joined a writing group which I just formally resigned from today because I realized that instead of focusing on writing, I would rather be doing art. Actually, I think I would rather be making art most of the time I am not parenting or trying to take care of the household stuff. But my house management skills seem lacking and everyday life often seems to get in the way.

I think my main problem is that I often find myself offering to help people when I am in a high energy phase, but then when I am in a low energy cycle, I feel completely overwhelmed and I want to just drop everything except for my family. It seems like I end up meeting my commitments to others but my house is a mess, the bills are late and I am stressed out and depressed. This doesn't help me or my family, and I end up just muddling through things and only get done what absolutely has to be done and then I am exhausted. This is one reason I am really thinking a lot about what I really want - what makes me feel alive - and what helps with that and what gets in my way (no matter how well meaning). I guess I am in the process of "pruning" my activities to really make them fit with my goals.

I have had some successes as well. I've finally found time for music again. (DD used to fuss when I played piano or sang for the longest time. Now she likes it.) I can practice piano in short bursts better than I can make a sculpture in between kid interruptions, so it's been wonderful to get that back.

Belly dancing is hit and miss, but I am scheduled to perform next month and I need to make a new piece for my costume. DD now wants a new costume too since the cute little one I made for her is way too small. So now I have two projects. I don't mind making the new costume for DD. I think I can fit it in by alternating between the two projects, but I do have a deadline for my own.

I have other stuff too, but I am trying to figure out where I want to put my energies since they are a bit limited by some health issues which also make parenting difficult at times. Whew! Thanks for reading this if you got all the way to the end.

[racheepoo]

Originally Posted by Starflower

DD is very intense and when I did finally start trying to do my own stuff, we had a lot of difficulties because DD felt very resentful of any time I wanted to spend on my own things

I have just been re-evaluating all of my activities to try and sort out the ones that don't further the things that make me feel alive.

This is me, exactly

[MyZymurgy]

What a great post! I admit that i sort of lost myself to motherhood (if that's the right term). I have a 17 month old and another on the way in April. I quit my job, which I loved and was well-established at, and my writing came to a screeching halt (except for personal blogging) when I became a SAHM. i don't regret it one bit - but being with my baby 24-7 (and soon two babies) i have to admit that i think little about my own needs and identity, and focus a LOT on my baby (babies).

I need to get back in touch with some basics, and make time to focus on those as well. Let's see...

I'm a wife.
I'm a daughter.
I'm a sister.
I'm a friend.
These are all relationships that are so important, and I need to spend time focusing on them and holding them up high.

I'm a christian.
But I haven't been to church in over 10 months! I used to go every week, and volunteer with the church as well. I really miss it. I still pray every day and feel God is central to my existence... but I miss aspects of worshiping as a community very much.

I'm a writer.
I have a couple book projects on hold and agents in limbo. I need to set aside time to do what I love (and, um, we could use a few bucks too). I feel my creative energy is just zapped because I am so focused on being supermom 24/7. I need better balance here, or I am afraid my writing will always suffer.



Thanks again for this post. It's been on my mind, but I've never sat down and really thought about it. Excellent thread.

[MyZymurgy]

Originally Posted by Beautiful~Life

Great thread! This is something I am really trying to figure out for myself. I had kids at 21 and really had no idea who I was or who/what I wanted to be. Now at almost 27 I still don't know because I haven't take the time or had the energy to figre out who/what else I am besides "Mom". I right now I would say these things are true about me:

I am a Student.
I am a dreamer.
I am a hopeless romantic.
I am highly sensitive (and trying to come to terms with it)
I am an Introvert.
I am Creative.
I am Sensual.
I am a Wife, a Daughter, a Sister, and a friend.
I am a raw food enthusiast.
I am an Ethical Slut (great book for anyone that hasn't read it)
I am a Libertarian.
I am Me.

I just had to say that I SO LOVE your avatar. It just melts my heart. It's so sweet.

[Storm Bride]

hmm...pretty much the same person I was before kids. I've pushed my comfort zones a little bit.

I sing in a choir now, which I'd have been way too afraid of 10-15-20 years ago (or even 5 years ago...I barely had the courage to join when I did, in 2006).

I've expanded my culinary horizons a lot, and enjoy cooking a lot of Indian dishes and playing with new recipes.

I'm a bookworm, and especially love science fiction, fantasy and an occasional western (but really only Louis L'Amour).

I enjoy writing poetry, but haven't written any in a while.

I'm passionate about women's rights to birth how and where they want to, and about cesaren awareness, although I don't do much about that. (This is very, very me. I've never been an activist at all. I'm slightly more of one than I used to be, though.)

I'm a Christmas junkie. I love the lights, the music, the baking, the gift exchanges...even the shopping.

I'm a woman who hates clothes shopping more than almost anything else in the world.

I'm a fan of "old school" heavy metal (late 70s to late 80s). An Iron Maiden CD can turn my mood around in about a minute.

I like yoga, hiking, walking and swimming. I like cycling, but rarely do it, because I don't like cycling in traffic.

I'm an introvert, and I'm socially inept, and groups of people terrify me.

I'm fairly uncoordinated, and I hate sports.

I love storms. Going for a walk when the rain is pouring down and the wind is blowing hard and it's cold is just...I don't have the words. It's the most amazing feeling in the world.

[Kailey's mom]

I have a lot to do in this department..I'm subbing for now until I can figure it out.

[Freedom~Mama]

Originally Posted by MyZymurgy

I just had to say that I SO LOVE your avatar. It just melts my heart. It's so sweet.

Aww thank you! It is one of my favorite pictures. I was nursing my yongest DD at the beach and she was just so calm and serene while nursing and listening to the waves.

[Starflower]

I noticed some people said they hadn't changed a lot of their interests. I hadn't considered this as part of the equation.

I just wanted to clarify: Motherhood did not really change my interests from before, but it did change my focus. I ended up feeling enveloped by it. DD was very high needs and I have some health issues which leave me with a fairly low energy level. These issues were interfering with my ability to pursue my interests even before I had DD. After DD, I felt consumed by parenting for a long time because I did not sleep for longer than 2 hours at a time for over 2 years (including my pregnancy).

About a year ago, I really started to carve out time for me. But really, only now am I beginning to dig out and find a balance between parenting, my own needs and my health issues. It continues to be a journey.

[claddaghmom]

Originally Posted by Starflower

I noticed some people said they hadn't changed a lot of their interests. I hadn't considered this as part of the equation.

I just wanted to clarify: Motherhood did not really change my interests from before, but it did change my focus. I ended up feeling enveloped by it. DD was very high needs and I some health issues which leave me with a fairly low energy level. These issues were interfering with my ability to pursue my interests even before I had DD. After DD, I felt consumed by parenting for a long time because I did not sleep for longer than 2 hours at a time for over 2 years (including my pregnancy).

About a year ago, I really started to carve out time for me. But really, only now am I beginning to dig out and find a balance between parenting, my own needs and my health issues. It continues to be a journey.

I wonder also if it is a personality thing. Some people need alone time and quiet time. I think 'recharge time' is not valued as much as it should be in our culture. If you need alone time, you are somehow viewed as weak or as not committed as others.

I don't particularly need down time. Every now and then I really need it right at that moment, but after a relaxing shower or walk around the neighborhood, I feel 100x better. But then I know mamas who need a lot more than that. Like, a whole day, or a consisten hobby, a job or a daily hour etc. It varies.

[Penelope]

What a good thread.

In addition to being a mother -
- I'm a college professor
- I'm a runner (see also: unwind/self care/time alone)
- I read constantly
- I'm a spouse and friend and colleague and boss (yeah, Work Study Brittney, I'm talking about you!)
- I am our family's primary gardener; I grow probably 50-60% of our summer produce
- I bake like crazy. It's how I show love.

My last year or so has been rough, rough territory. But we're surviving.

[HappilyEvrAfter]

Originally Posted by Kailey's mom

I have a lot to do in this department..I'm subbing for now until I can figure it out.

+1
I don't think I knew who I really was before I had my son and went through the divorce. Know it feels like an extra hard journey because my son, while I don't consider him high needs, seem to need more than other kids his age.

Being an introvert on top of that is just tough. ^5 to Starflower, my fellow introvert! I'm usually right on track with the way she feels.

Sometimes, I just at myself cause I feel pathetic for being 33 and not really knowing who/what I am other than mom (not that I don't enjoy it for the most part, I just want to have another identity along side of it).

I like alot of lists from others here...a good thread. I really enjoy reading about other people.