Would it bother you if one of your friends spent a day with you Ex?

[Momily]

I'm a single mom, but by choice so I have no ex. One of my son's good friends has divorced parents. He and his little brother spend EOW with his dad. His mom and I seem to be becoming friends, which is great for me because I don't have that many friends. We've taken the kids a few places together etc. . . For the past few months, this friend has been inviting DS over every time he goes to his Dad's. Mom was surprised when she found out it had been happening. I've had little interaction with Dad -- never had a long conversation or been in his home.

DS snowboards and his friend skis. I've taken him skiing a few times. He's eager to try snowboarding, but I've refused (having one advanced snowboarder and a rank beginner together is challenging), unless he brings an adult to watch him on the bunny slope. Today he tried to talk his dad into coming with us on our next trip, so that he'd have an adult. Dad seemed interested. If we go we'd have another father/son pair with us, plus an unaccompanied child, and presumably this friend's brother -- so 5 boys, 3 adults (4 if his wife comes).

I'm just a little worried that my friend would think I was disloyal. Would this bother you if a friend of yours spent the day with your ex, in a kid centered activity?

[lilyka]

yes, probably. it would depend on the cicumstance. from the way you described it it sounds like him and his dad are planning on going snowboarding on the same day you are and that would not bother me.

however I had some friends who regularly spend time with my dh like he didn't do anything wrong to me or the girls and i have had to put distance between us. I simply don;t trust them. their loyalties. i am scared I may say the wrong thing and they may mention it to him. and soon if they continue the friendship with him they will simply replace me with the woman he left me for. it feels like betrayal. and I just don't need that sort of stress in my life.

[Momily]

I think we'd probably end up spending more time together than just being there at the same time. I don't know that he skis or boards, and dealing with 2 kids, one of whom is quite young, who are learning something new when you're unsteady would be really hard, so I imagine I'd probably offer to help out. Also, we'd probably carpool (although I might offer to take all the "big boys" and let him ride with the other dad), the kids would want to eat together etc . . .

On the other hand I don't see this leading to friendship, just the convenience of parents with kids the same age and same interests sometimes ending up together.

[pranamama]

I would invite the mom first, and then if she declines ask her if any of her other friends associate much with her ex. It's a little risky, my divorce was so nasty, I don't need the stress of mutual friends....

[meemee]

we do have mutual friends so it would not bug me.

plus couple of my friends just broke up. they are all nice people and i would hate to lose one. so i let them all know that i would like to stay in touch with thier partner - found out how they felt about it, and continue to be friends with all of them.

[blessingscome]

It depends on the circumstances of the divorce. With my ex, it would be a huge betrayal if you did that... especially if you knew the circumstances.

[Momily]

Hmmm,

A little more info if it makes a difference.

I know very little about the circumstances that lead to the divorce. I know she's described him as a really "good ex husband" (not that he was good during), she's joked to me that I should find a man like him and skip right to the ex phase because she gets safe reliable childcare and child support payments that arrive on time every time.

I did invite her, not for this specific weekend because I knew she didn't have them, but last time I took her I called her later and told her what I had told him (that I don't take beginning snowboarders, unless they bring an adult, that we go every weekend and that he was always welcome but needed to ski unless he ha a parent). Mom told me and him she'd try and figure out how to come one time, but I guess he wanted to come earlier than that and invited his dad.

[Learning_Mum]

Why not just ask her?

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by Learning_Mum

Why not just ask her?

And, if I were the mom... no, it wouldn't bother me. Now, if you were wanting to date him, that might be a completely different story. But, what you are talking about is making sure this boy has a parent there to help him, which is completely understandable. If mom can't go, then I am not sure what is wrong with dad coming? He is also the parent of this boy.

[pinetree]

Originally Posted by Learning_Mum

Why not just ask her?

Good idea.

[Momily]

What could she say though?

I feel like that puts her in a really awkward situation, in that it involves telling her son no about something he really really wants to do, and took initiative in setting up. I guess I feel like even though I might not like it, if I were her at this point I'd probably lie and say it was fine, rather than sticking my kid in the middle.

It's raining up there today so we won't be going anyway. Maybe that's for the best.

[pranamama]

you could always bend your personal rule about not taking a beginner without a parent, or ask the kid to take some lessons first and expand your rule to experienced children only for later on....

[Momily]

Originally Posted by pranamama

you could always bend your personal rule about not taking a beginner without a parent, or ask the kid to take some lessons first and expand your rule to experienced children only for later on....

That doesn't sound like a big deal, but it actually is. The mountain we ski at is divided into a front and a back, with one significantly harder than the other. If I'm on the front (where the bunny slopes are) then my child, and the other child I take every time (DS's best friend) have to stay on the front It's about 20 minutes from the front to the back, and I'm not willing to have 2 10 year olds that far away from me. There's really nothing on the front that's anywhere close to my son's ability level. Our season here is super short, and if we're lucky we get 10 days of skiing/boarding out of our pass. A beginner snowboarder is generally stuck on the front side for a bare minimum of 3 days, so if I take a beginner, it's 1/3 of the season of my child's favorite sport that he loses. I've already given up a couple of days on the backside to teach this kid to snowboard. I brought this child up for beginning ski lessons last year when my son wasn't quite so good yet, so I could make them stay front side. Now, when we bring this child up, I put him in a different lesson time than my kid, so he gets an hour of lesson, and then an hour of private instruction with me. I also do the 4 hour round trip of driving. When he's there I never ski with my own child, because I stick with him, but at least we can ride the same lift. That's my personal limit. At this point he's welcome to come skiing whenever he wants, but if he wants to snowboard someone else needs to come.

In addition, I've told a number of little boys, most of whom have much less potential for getting a parent up there than he does, that "I don't take beginner snowboarders". If I break the rule for him, then I will open the floodgate for more requests.

[Oh the Irony]

Originally Posted by Momily

I know she's described him as a really "good ex husband" (not that he was good during), she's joked to me that I should find a man like him and skip right to the ex phase because she gets safe reliable childcare and child support payments that arrive on time every time.

I could easily be reading too much into an offhand comment but that would make me think she might be afraid you two would get along well and even perhaps hook-up. I can see where if a friend of mine started hanging out with my ex (who is currently a good ex) I might have a bit of fear that they would like him more.

I would get over myself but admit it would cross my mind.

[Momily]

Originally Posted by Oh the Irony

I could easily be reading too much into an offhand comment but that would make me think she might be afraid you two would get along well and even perhaps hook-up. I can see where if a friend of mine started hanging out with my ex (who is currently a good ex) I might have a bit of fear that they would like him more.

I would get over myself but admit it would cross my mind.

He's been remarried for several years, so I hope she's not thinking that.

The only thing I've read into the offhand comment was some reassurance that I could send my son there. That is, that he's not physically abusive to her boys or anything. I don't take it mean that he isn't/wasn't hurtful to her, just that he's probably OK for my son to be around.

[Rosehip]

I would be straightforward with her.

"Friend, your DS would love to try snowboarding, as you know. But I told you, I can't bring a beginner with me unless he has an adult with him. I know it's tough for you to get out on the mountain, and your DS suggested bringing his Dad. I just wanted to talk to you first. I'm not sure if you and he have any arrangements or anything, re: socializing with other parents. Since I don't have an ex-H, I just didn't know if I might be overstepping boundaries somehow. If you want to think about it, no rush in getting back to me."

She'll likely have one of three reactions:

"Sounds great, go ahead - better him than me!" (I think a lot of women might say this even if it's a little weird, figuring they'll get used to the idea)

"Honestly, I do feel strange. Let me talk to DS & X about how to figure this boarding out."

"You know what, I will come after all!"