seeking advice re: 3yo and dying grandparents

[esmejoy]

Hello all --

I haven't posted here before, but find myself in the sad situation of anticipating the loss of both of my parents within the next year or so. Of course, they could beat the odds, but I've always been a glass-half-empty sort of person, and they both have pretty grim prognoses. Ovarian cancer for my mom -- diagnosed 8/07, currently on her third round of chemo (a clinical trial) and actually doing quite well at the moment. And my father -- diagnosed just this week with abdominal cancer, either gastric or pancreatic, but with malignant ascites, which is bad. Chemo for him will be palliative at best, life expectancy 6 months - 2 years max.

Meanwhile, my soon-to-be-3-yo son and I just moved back to California to be near my mom -- we're currently living with my parents. In July, I'll probably have the option to move to a different place, and I'm trying to figure out what will be best for all of us. There are a lot of different issues to consider, but what I'm looking for here in particular is advice around how to handle sickness and death with my son. I'm a single mom, he was adopted, and now these two people whom he's just recently come to know and love are going to disappear from his life :-(( We do have other extended family in the area, thank goodness, but not a huge number of people.

Does anyone have any advice about the practical issues of having a young child near and possibly living with a dying grandparent? How can I minimize the trauma for him? Is there any hope of fostering some (good) memories for his at such a young age? Recommended books (for either me or him)?

thanks,
esme

[Kailey's mom]

My dd is the same age..and I was amazed at how well she handled my grandfathers death. She saw him literally everyday of her life until he passed. She took the "matter of fact" responce and just said "it's okay, granddad is in heaven now, so he's not sick anymore" that is what we told her when we knew his time was getting close.. she talks to him and about him quite a bit. Sometimes she will say, "" he's all better in heaven now, so he can come back"" so we respond by saying that "if he's comes back, he'll be sick again, and he's having so much fun in heaven, dancing, and even running. You can still talk to him though."

[Dena]

I just lost my mom last week to ovarian cancer. She fought a long, five and a half year battle - much longer than the doctors' prognoses - so please do try to hold on to some hope for your parents.

My mom was actually diagnosed when I was pg with dd1, and so has been sick to some degree all of dd1's life. While my daughter is older than your son, knowing her Granny was sick from time to time or weak and unable to do certain things with her didn't seem to phase her. It is amazing how children will adjust to situations. She would simply choose activities that Granny could do, like reading stories or drawing, and the two of them had a ball together. She has many wonderful memories of the times they had.

When we knew my mom's time was getting close, we told dd1 that Granny was very sick (which she had already figured out) and that we didn't think she would get better this time. She cried and was sad, and of course is sad now that she is gone, but she seems to be handling it very well.

In short, if it were me in your position, I would simply allow your son and his grandparents to spend the most and best time together that they can. Of course, you will need to explain grandma and grandpa's limits to him, but he will likely accept those. And yes, I do believe that even at his age he will have lovely memories of them. It is not at all the same, but our old dog died when dd1 was nearly three, and she certainly remembers Tasha with love. And my 2 y.o. is still talking about her Granny and I believe she will remember, if not specific moments, then the feeling of love surrounding her when Granny was near.

You might consider contacting your local hospice. In fact, your dad might qualify now for hospice services (you can be on hospice for longer than 6 mos, btw) if he is doing only palliative therapies. Hospice can give you wonderful materials and advice for talking to your son and to help support your family in general through the next months and years. They can also bring in volunteers and nurses to help your dad's life be more comfortable. My mom had a hospital bed and was set for massage and music therapy, though she never got to use it. She also had a discussion with the hospice chaplain which I think eased her fears about death. They will also help with medications to increase his comfort, including nausea meds, and they can do IV hydration and things like that as well. And, if you dad ends up in the hospital or a nursing home for any period, they will act as a second advocate for him. Which, believe me, is a huge help in any institution. Honestly, I just can't say enough about them - my mom was only in hospice for five days, but they lifted burdens from my shoulders rapidly during that time.

I hope the next months or years are filled with peace and beautiful memories for your family.

[nicoletti]

I am so sorry to read about your parents' illness, I can only imagine what you are going through. I hope that you have lots of support and love to give you strength.

My father died unexpectedly last Spring. We had 3 weeks with him before he died. We took my daughter (who was not quite 2) almost every day to the hospital and then later to the hospice. It was really important to us that she was there. We told her what was happening, that her Nono was very sick and later on that he had died. She was there at the graveside and at the Memorial Service. I found very little on grieving and children (and grieving and pregnancy as I was pregnant at the time with our second) and so I just decided to be honest and open and loving. Since then we have lost my husband's grandmother and she attended a second graveside ceremony.

There was a book that she wanted to be read to a lot after my dad died called Pirate Boris by Mem Fox. In it the parrot dies and the pirate cries. I think that she used it to help her process. Maybe finding a book or story to read may help him process.

I think it is so important that we don't hide our children from death. It is in the shadows and the unknowing that our fears are born. I want my daughters to know that to cry and grieve is just as normal and acceptable as it is to laugh.

Take care.
Blessings

[esmejoy]

Originally Posted by nicoletti

I think it is so important that we don't hide our children from death. It is in the shadows and the unknowing that our fears are born. I want my daughters to know that to cry and grieve is just as normal and acceptable as it is to laugh.

I agree with this completely. Unfortunately, a big challenge in my family -- a very intelligent bunch, but alas emotionally somewhat retarded.

Thanks for the replies -- they are both comforting and helpful. I have an additional question that I didn't ask in my first post -- for those atheists out there, do you have any particular suggestions about talking to young children about what happens after death? I would LOVE to tell my son that someone who has died is up in heaven -- but I don't actually believe in any sort of afterlife.

-esme

[nicoletti]

I am not an atheist but I don't believe in Heaven. I just talked to my daughter about how when we die, our life leaves our body and becomes part of the world. That the people we love are never truly gone because they live in the stories and memories that we have of them. There is also a book about metamorphisis and butterflies and dragonflies that can be used. I can't remember the name but it is the idea of metamorphis that butterflies and dragonflies are found in hospices.

I hope this helps a little.

[kcstar]

Subbing.

DS is 29 months, and we are on leave staying with my mother. They started hospice late, just last week, and she's not expected to live much more than another week.

My mom also has cancer (biliary), diagnosed 5/07. We moved closer (from ~22 hour drive to ~12 hour drive) so that he could see her periodically. I guess I figure that it's better for him to see that she loves him as much as he can while she's alive.

I stopped by the bookstore last week to pick up books for DS. One that I found is "When Someone You Love Has Cancer". Another that was recommended online is Tomi de Paolo's "Nana Upstairs". I also got "I miss you", a book about death.

It's hard to say how much DS understands. The week before we headed up here, DS was acting up quite a bit... I think he understood that something was wrong, but not really what.

I haven't noticed him act up as much since we got here. He alternates between fear of Grandma and a willingness to play with/around her.

We are not staying in the house with my parents. This gives us all a break from the constant strain. But I also have three adult siblings and my father as Mom's primary caregivers.

If you're going to be the primary caregiver, I would suggest hiring a nurse's aide or something similar if you/they can afford it. My aunt & uncle did that for my grandparents, and it worked out VERY well, she became an adopted sibling.

I don't believe in hiding death from DS. He doesn't need to see all the medical details. DH usually takes him out of the room for her bath, nurse's visits, that sort of thing. But he's been in the house and seen Grandma/Mom every day this past week as her condition worsens.

In December, I made a 1-week trip just me and DS. It was difficult. My parents house is not childproof at all, and there are a lot of concerns including medications in easy reach of a toddler. I feel like we need to be right there with DS every moment we're there, to be sure he's safe. That made it hard for me to relax the week I was solo-parenting.

I need to get some sleep. I'll try to come back and post some more as I think of it.

[kcstar]

Another book that I found recommended on the internet was something like "Grandma lives among the stars". I haven't found it myself, but it was supposed to be at least okay for many faiths (Christian, Hindu, Buddhist, etc.), possibly atheist as well.

[mamababamba]

Just another advocate for allowing your child to spend lots of time being a part of the process. We went through this with our son when he was three. He kept everyone's spirits up and when his grandfather died he turned to me and said "Mom, I just hate the lifecycle." Our memories from that time will always be cherished.