dd and her closed adoption

[Sierra]

ds' adoption is an open one. dd's adoption is closed. That was not our choice.

Anyway, after our last visit with ds' birthfamily last summer, I noticed dd started calling ds' birthmother her birthmother. It wasn't like she was really making a point of it. But if we were talking about the kid's early lives, or something, she would put the name of ds' birthmother in there as her first mother.

I treated this very matter-of-factly and just gave her the correct name of her own birthmother.

Well, dw told me that last week dd started asking about why she can't visit her birthfamily. She seems a bit sad about it, and I feel badly for her.

She's almost four.

We have just a Xeroxed black and white copy of a photo of dd with her birthmother and a photo of dd with her birthfather. That is all we have. But I think I am going to frame or laminate them for her. I've been meaning to do that for a while. I don't know what else I can do to be helpful to dd in processing this.

Others in this situation? What do you do?

[Polliwog]

It's an interesting situation. One we haven't faced yet, but we will. Somewhat differently, though. We have contact with Ds's birth mother and grandfather but not his birth mother. We'll have contact with STBAD's birth father but not her mother. We see his birth sisters but we won't see hers.

I refer to C's sisters as his sisters and Polliwog has started calling them HER sisters too. Which isn't as big of a deal as birth parents. Not a big deal at all.

Neither of my kids really "get" adoption. C's birth family are just people. He doesn't connect them with his birth. We're going to get some professional help surrounding this. I'll let you know if I get any good ideas.

[Irishmommy]

Who made the decision for it to be closed. From other posts, I got the impression it was the agency. If that is so, and you know where the birthfamily is, do you have to abide by the agency's decision?

[Sierra]

It's more complicated than that. I believe that the mom still has an open case (if not two) with DCFS, so if we don't keep our agreement with them to keep the adoption closed, it may come back and complicate that case or have other effects we can't anticipate. I think it would also not be good for our relationship with DCFS, which matters less now that we have moved but still matters some (they are our tie to the rest of the children in the family, etc.). It was a DCFS decision, but one they asked us to agree to.

In addition, I have some fears about trying to track down the birthparents, as DCFS felt the adoption needed to be closed in part because they felt the family dangerous. After reading the file, I can't say I am confident they are incorrect. I could see contact going okay, but I could also see it opening up the door for some scary behavior.

There is more, but those are my two main concerns.

I guess what I mean to say is that it was a decision made by two parties: (1) by DCFS who asked us to agree to a closed adoption, and (2) dd's birthparents, who repeatedly make choices that call to question whether they are safe people for an open adoption.

[EFmom]

I think this is going to be a source of pain for your dd, sadly. I think you can be there and support her as much as you can, but at the end of the day, it's just going to be hard for her, and having your ds have an open adoption is going to be a stark contrast. It's good to give her the info you have (the picture) and tell her what you can, and provide a shoulder to cry on.

My kids were abandoned at birth and absolutely nothing is known about their birthfamilies. It is a source of hurt for them. It helps them a great deal that we are always willing to talk to them, hold them and cry with them, but it's not hurt we can take away. They will go for years without mentioning, and then something like a pet dying with trigger the hurt to come to the surface.

[Irishmommy]

Thanks for explaining Sierra.

[lauren]

I wonder if it would help to start a little Lifebook with her, at least helping her to understand her story (in 4 yr old terms now) since she cannot visit those that were part of her story? Would the story be able to be kind of surrogate object for the individuals (for now) until someday things get less complicated?

[mamarhu]

Some 4 YO friends colored pictures to represent people who the pictures for their lifebook didn't exist. Works well for them; they are 6 now, and still like to show the "picture" of Daddy L, whom they haven't seen since they were 2.

[pumpkingirl71]

My daughter made a lifebook with her therapist and that has helped so much. She is only five, so who knows how she will process things as she gets older. But right now, it has been a life saver in giving us all the words to talk about why dd doesn't live with her birth family and why dd doesn't see her birth family. Dd's adoption was open, but the birthfamily did not meet the requirements and the adoption agreement is now nullified.

I am still in awe of dd's lifebook. We had made her a scrapbook/photoalbum lifebook, but we just didn't know how to talk about the really traumatic issues in dd's life or how to explain why her adoption is now almost closed. It was amazing to see dd's therapist take such hard things and describe them to dd in age appropriate words. Another thing about the lifebook that surprised me was that it relied way less on photographs than I expected.

[Sierra]

Thanks for everyone's posts. I got out the photocopies of the photos and dd's face lit up. I took them in to get laminated but changed my mind as I wanted more flexible options (and it was expensive anyway), and I think I've decided to do a 3-ring notebook with page protectors that I can expand into her lifebook (also something we've been meaning to do for a while). pumpkingirl, thanks for the reminder about the value of therapy. It's been a while for all of us. Would you be willing to pm me info about your therapist? We are not in SE MA, but we spend enough time there that it could be valuable to have a recommendation. We haven't seen anyone since going to the Trauma Center in Brookline. When I think of finding a good therapist to work with dd I get totally overwhelmed. It's hard to find someone who is experienced with dealing with adoption stuff for very young kidos.

Oh, and tonight I incidently was thumbing through an old photography/interviews book of mine called _Love Makes a Family_. dd came over for a while and I was telling her in one picture that there were two moms and a son and a foster baby...she sat and looked at that picture for a really, really, really long time.

I know that largely my job is just to hold a space for her grief, and know that it will be hard, but I do want to be supportive in ways that can be helpful to her.

[EFmom]

One of the things that I wanted to mention that is helpful to my dds is that we have worked very hard in our family to make sure that the kids know that discussion on all topics is welcome.

We have provided them with excellent, age-appropriate information about sex, for example, and while I'm not sure exactly what this has to do with not having info about their birth parents, I am sure that it has helped them to open up to us about their adoption issues. My older dd is now 12 and has said as much--she knows we'll be honest, open and will take her concerns seriously, even if we can't do a whole lot to "fix" them.

We have also tried to empathize. We have stressed to them that we cannot understand how they feel about the situation with their birthparents. But both dh and I have lost close family members to death, so we do know what loss feels like. While it's not the same situation, we can feel hurt, too. This seems to also help the kids a great deal and make it easier for them to talk to us.