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Need to vent about my psychotic friend experience... - Page 2

post #21 of 44
Wow - I think saying nothing - hmmm - just be careful. I think this person sounds dangerous - at least in your description. If you had enough doubts to write such an involved long post on a public forum - i'm definitely think twice before spending any time at all with this person and your child. If she was a real friend - I doubt you'd resort to such lengths.
post #22 of 44
This is creeping me out in a Hand That Rocks the Cradle kind of way. Let us know what ends up happening, OP.
post #23 of 44
Originally Posted by ~Boudicca~ View Post
This is creeping me out in a Hand That Rocks the Cradle kind of way. Let us know what ends up happening, OP.
post #24 of 44
Sooo weird.

Did she maybe lose a baby recently? miscarriage or stillborn.
Regardless I'd keep my distance, just wondering...
post #25 of 44
She sounds mentally ill, possibly suffering from internal delusions. Contrary to popular belief, people who are completely delusional and psychotic can appear totally normal until they unearth their strange beliefs or behavior. My ex was like this. He seemed normal when I first met him, albeit a very anxious and shy, but I figured it was because we didn't know each other well yet. Boy was I wrong. Turns out he was actually diagnosed as Bipolar 1 and suffered from delusional, grandiose, and unrealistic thinking as a result of it being untreated. By the time I realized this I was already pregnant. The stress of my pregnancy triggered a manic episode in which he came to believe that the government had agents that would be after him for a business idea he had, and that I had poisoned myself with drugs, Afrin nose spray, and acetone nail polish remover to abort the pregnancy. He told my neighbor that I would be lucky if he didn't kill me in my sleep and at 3am proceeded to barricade me and the kids in the house, and called the cops claiming the I had killed his baby. Of course, that ended our relationship immediately and he was arrested for false imprisonment. I am currently pursuing a restraining order against him and trying to get the court to order him into treatment.
post #26 of 44
Thread Starter 
angelpie545 my issue seems trivial compared to yours. At least I don't have an attachment (kids) with my friend. Sorry to hear about your situation.

neveryoumindthere... I don't think she's recently lost a baby because I'm sure I would have heard about it. I think she just really wants another one.
post #27 of 44
It's great that you're so open to feedback about it, and again I think you're totally on the mark with cutting her off.

I say go ahead and write her that letter that you don't send, just to articulate all the things you feel about this. Even if you never give her the letter, verbalizing some of it may help you if - heaven forbid - you ever have to actually deal with ehr again.

A little more advice though - if she shows up at your door, or somewhere and "just wants to say hello/see your son", you need to start with the firmness immediately. "That's nice of you to want to see him, but it's absolutely not ok for you to show up unannounced, so this is not a good time." And if she says she feels like you're avoiding her, tell her outright "I'm actually very uncomfortable with how you behaved with him last time and I think it's best that we don't hang out for awhile." That is ALL you need to say, you don't have to argue or explain or placate or anything.

Well there is one more thing you might need to say, if she really gets upset or doesn't stop hassling you "I'm sorry that your behavior has made this situation into what it is now, but I am his mother and if you can't respect a decision I've made as his parent, there's really nothing else to say. I am officially telling you that you need to not be around my son, at all, anywhere. No "accidental" run ins or anything. I will call the police if you do go near him."

That may sound super harsh, but I'm only suggesting this if you try to just cut off contact and she "doesn't accept it". Then you truly are dealing with someone who may be very close to becoming dangerous (if she isn't already) and you need to just lay down the law. And if she shows up and you're the only adult around - seriously, don't even let her into your foyer. Keep her outside. She sounds delusional and no matter how much you think she wouldn't snap you really never know and it's not worth it to give her a chance.

Good luck!
post #28 of 44
Originally Posted by Smokering View Post
I think the "say nothing" route is best... wouldn't want to get shot, as you say.

Her behavior is particularly odd given that she has her own children. I could kinda understand it more if she were infertile and desperately wanted a baby, but... she's had two! Why is yours so important to her? Very odd...
Yes! Do not say anything--just screen your calls and don't answer the door. Eventually she'll go away.
BTW--there was a story on the news a few years back about a woman who cut a baby out of another woman--and she had her owns kids already! So, having kids means nothing.
post #29 of 44
Originally Posted by ck1 View Post
I have decided to end my friendship with her, after twelve years....
Good for you! That can't be easy. Be safe, mama!
post #30 of 44
Gack! That is super creepy. Glad to hear you're going with your gut and are going to stay away from this woman. She does sound potentially dangerous.
post #31 of 44
Thread Starter 
Well so far, so good... haven't heard anything. Her birthday is at the end of February, which is a great opportunity. I do not have plans to wish her happy birthday and I know this will make her mad. Perhaps mad enough to know that I am upset with her. Perhaps mad enough to not want to talk to me.

LROM, thank you so much for the advice. I feel empowered if she does show up because I know what to say. Part of the problem during that lunch is it felt so weird, I didn't have words to express how I felt. It's usually not until I get away from the situation that I remember what I should have said and done.

I have to apologize, earlier (Jan 24th) I posted a response that included my friends e-mail response, all of the details were omitted but this was a no-no according to Mothering.com. My post was removed because I didn't respond in time to correct it (my e-mail had not been updated to the new one). I wanted to repost it without the e-mail, of course. Sorry about not paying attention to the rules. I really appreciate everyone's support on Mothering:

Thank you for your support. I’m so glad to hear I’m not the only one who found her behavior inappropriate. The whole experience, some of it I couldn’t put into words, still shakes me up, and I wish I could find a way to get it out of my system. Fancyoats your experience borders on my friend and I appreciated the story.

When I got her e-mail in mid-December I was actually excited that my friend had come around. DH reminded me, "Remember that she was too involved." When I reread her e-mail I had a feeling this may be a ploy to see me / my son since I had been refusing her offers to baby-sit, visit, or have lunch. I guess I just wanted my friend back and wanted to give her a chance. Honestly, I sort of forgot some of her previous behavior because I have been so involved with my son. Here is the original post about my experience with her when I was pregnant: http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1058078

I didn’t mention that the visit on Friday ended with me taking her back to work and DS screaming because he was hungry. She told him, “I promise you I’m not taking this personal. We’ll try again later.” We barely even said goodbye. I parked the car, nursed my son, and immediately called DH to tell him how upset I was and it was over between her and me. My husband, whose normally a mellow guy, was upset with her behavior, too.

I know this is not the last time I will hear from her. It maybe months but I know she’s not going away. I’m also certain that the next e-mail I get will be as though everything is fine, which would be just as inappropriate: wouldn’t you think that as pissed as she was that I wouldn’t allow her time with my son she would never want to see me again? My question then is what do I do? I totally agree that if I’m in doubt I need to go back and re-read this post. I should have done that with the first post.

Having my son makes it possible for me to walk away from our friendship. It’s one thing to act that way with me, but it’s not okay with my son. In fact, DH and I agreed if I ever did see her again my son would not be with me, or DH would go.

Part of me wants to write a letter that basically says we can’t be friends because you can’t see past my son. But I’m scared she’ll do something… show up at my house, take my son, shoot me?… okay, I’m thinking worse scenario, but that’s how extreme her behavior appears to have changed to me. So maybe it’s best to say nothing and ignore her.
post #32 of 44

I can relate to you, 100%. I have been there, and there is only one thing for you to do--get away from that woman asap.

One day I will write about my story. But for now, I'll just tell you the short version. I was friends with a girl in high school, and a few years later, our parents met up and actually got together. I lived with them, and so she eventually became my step sister.

When I got pregnant, she was very supportive. After my son was born, she would help out a lot. She would babysit for me, and buy him lots of toys.

And then, over the years, she became obsessed with my son. It was all very gradual, and I did not see. I just thought she loved him, like any good aunt would.

When I moved to NC, she was very upset. She would keep pressuring me to sign a custody letter, basically giving her custody of my son in case something happened to me and my husband. She bugged me so much about it that my husband and I would secretly joke about her "whacking us", or cutting the brake lines, etc. I mean, what lunatic would harass their friend about signing their child over, "in case they die"?

Things got worse and worse with her. She was so possessive over my son. When I would visit, she acted like she was his mom, and I was just the "egg donor". She could have cared less if I were there, and actually wanted my son all to herself. She would offer to babysit every time I was there, just so she could have my son. Being vague, or wishy washy is NOT the way to deal with this type of person. Avoiding calls and emails is not right either. They will not get the hint until you tell them to leave you alone. That's what I had to do, when my son was almost 6 and I couldn't stand things anymore.

Please don't let her around you guys anymore. I wish, wish, wish I could have "dumped" my friend a long time ago. Of course, since our parents are married, it was really hard to do this. But ck1, please take my advice. Please get away from your friend right now. I never thought this kind of thing could happen to me, and if I can help warn somebody else, then I feel I have not gone through this experience in vain.
post #33 of 44
Creepy, creepy, creepy!

She didn't have a thing for your husband ever, did she?
post #34 of 44
Originally Posted by neveryoumindthere View Post
Sooo weird.

Did she maybe lose a baby recently? miscarriage or stillborn.
Regardless I'd keep my distance, just wondering...
Naw, she just sounds crazy...like she suddenly went off her meds or onto bad meds. Another vibe I got was she could be a pedophile (yes, there are female pedophiles ). It really is creepy she kept trying to keep the OP's son out of view. It sounds like she was even trying to keep out of view (from the entire public) at the restaurant's play area—SUPER red flags.

Most of us who lose pregnancies don't want to be *near* babies or children. That "Rock the Cradle" movie was about as realistic as "Nightmare on Elm Street."
post #35 of 44
I recently read this book, and now I recommend you read it too! It's called "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. It talks about trusting your instincts when it comes to dangerous situations. I think you did a wonderful job! But I think this book might help you when it comes to keeping firm when it comes to breaking off contact, etc.

(In fact, I recommend that all you mama's read this book, because it has some very good advice.)
post #36 of 44
I have to say, the hair on the back of my neck is standing up as I read this. It really worries me. You have no idea what her issue might be. Maybe she lost a baby or had a miscarriage or for some reason feels a connection to your baby. I mean people do insane things, something bad could happen to you or your son. I would be very, very careful and eliminate contact with her.
post #37 of 44
Having had someone actually try to kidnap one of my kids, I recommend you take this very seriously. If this person continues to harass you, or shows up unannounced, I strongly recommend you call the authorities immediately.

post #38 of 44
My sister in law lives with untreated schizophrenia and I have experienced similar behaviours to what you have described from her.

Very firm boundaries, including no contact if that is the only way to achieve the boundaries is definetly the way to go. Do you have any other friends in common? Are you concerned about the safety of other people around her? Her children?
post #39 of 44
Thread Starter 
Thank you for all of your support, stories, and advice; it's really meant a lot and helped me feel empowered. Still haven't heard anything and it feels nice. I get angry everytime I think about the situation, which is good, I need to feel angry because normally I excuse everything away.

My one question is I changed my e-mail address because we changed companies. One part of me thinks, great timing because my friend doesn't have my new address. But the other part of me thinks I'd better tell her so she doesn't stop by... but then, she has my phone number.

What do you think? I'm more for not giving her my new e-mail because it's another step toward disconnecting from this person.
post #40 of 44
In "The Gift of Fear", Gavin DeBecker suggests completely ignoring the person. He says something like, "you can't talk straight talk to a crooked person". He says people like stalkers and such thrive off of any communication. Meaning, even telling them firmly to leave you alone feeds their obsession, especially if it comes after a lot of harrassment. It sends the message to them that if they bother you enough, you will eventually 'give in' and communicate with them. Even if you are telling them to stop contacting you.

My advice would be to cease all contact. If she knocks, don't answer. If she calls, don't answer, screen your calls. Drop off the face of the earth as far as she is concerned. DeBecker claims that eventually, in most cases, they back off with this method.
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