Pls. help me cope while dh travels & kids say no to everything

[jewelsJZ]

My almost 4 y.o. and almost 6 y.o. seem to be in cahoots with saying no, refusing, screaming, fussing and just generally opposing EVERY. SINGLE. THING. I say or ask of them. Even if there is something in it for them. My dh is about to leave on a business trip and in addition to the two little sunshines, I have a baby who thinks sleep is for the weak so I am sleep deprived and I just don't want to spend a week screaming at them. We have no family to help us, everyone lives far away.

For example, tomorrow we have to take dh to the airport early in the a.m. I told them if they go potty and just get right into the car in their jammies without drama, we can stop and get donuts after dropping dh off. This is usually a very special treat that they love. However, they both threw a fit and I just know tomorrow morning is going to be a blast.

Give me some wisdom for how to get through this week, o wise mommas.

[Plaid Leopard]

Sending you super coping powers!

One thing I have learned as a mother of 4 whose DH often has to travel for work, is don't try to be Supermom! It really is ok if you eat pizza or sandwiches off of paper plates a few times during the week, if your kids stay in pajamas all day and watch more videos than usual, if the house just doesn't get cleaned...

Honestly though, I have found that things often go smoother when DH is out of town. I know exactly what I will be responsible for instead of relying on or hoping DH will do the toothbrushing or dinner or storytime or breaking up fighting siblings or whatever (he is very involved and helpful - just not big on schedules or routines) - and I just get on with it.

Plan a couple of fun things during the week but mainly just take it easy while your DH is gone.

Good luck!

[AnnieA]

Maybe use this time while your DH is gone to try an experiment. Try giving them more control. I know, it sounds crazy but it may just work. Give them an option to get dressed before they eat breakfast or after. Give them a choice to plan when you guys go to the park or whatever activity you are planning. If you are able to be a little flexible, you might find that they are less willing to respond with a resounding "NO!" if they are allowed to make the decision themselves.

[hopefulfaith]

Mine are 4 & 3 and my dh travels quite often. I wouldn't exactly say this to him, but things are often easier when it's just me. They know what to expect out of me: I mean what I say, and if I say no drama = donuts, then by God, then we will drive right past the donut place as I express sadness that we aren't going in. My daughter has been taken to the car kicking and screaming and subsequently lost privileges that my son might still have, too. I have cancelled trips to the children's museum, etc., and now I don't have to make empty threats...although it is SUCH a bummer when I wanted to do the thing that I am offering as a choice (i.e., get your shoes on or risk not going to playgroup that morning), so I have learned also not to set the stakes TOO high if I know that I am the one who needs to get out of the house. The choice then becomes 'get your shoes on, or we will be very late while we wait for you to do that' rather than 'shoes or stay home'.

The one thing I've learned is that I can't go crazy, or my kids do. If I am their only parent, then they only have me to set the tone for the day/week/month without Dad. Over the past few months, I've really worked on not raising my voice, not making threats/ultimatums, etc., and I feel like it really has made a difference. Getting out of the house really helps me, too.

Also, I put the kids to bed early and have a treat for myself after bed: glass of wine, chick flick, a cookie hidden in the back of the cupboard....any or all are perfectly wonderful when you're looking at the clock at 2:40 pm and wondering why the day is sooooooo long.

Hang in there. Come and vent on MDC after they go to bed, too. That helps.

[jewelsJZ]

Thanks, Mommas! You know, I know the house doesn't have to be neat but I never thought of not straightening up so as to avoid getting into a battle, just figured it's ok not to clean up if I don't have time. So dd and ds have toys all over the floor of the living room, but they can stay there, that's fine. Just one more deposit in the bank of sanity.
This worked with not getting dressed as well. I figured if dd didn't want to get dressed before going out, fine, I don't care if she goes in her pajamas, but she said her pj pants were bothering her and wanted to change as a solution, so I put jeans on her.

[Nillarilla]

My husband was recently gone for a week. I have an 11mo old and an almost 4 yr old. I found that telling my son what was going to happen each day helped. I had one outing planned per day and we got outside every day even though I didn't always feel like it. I also tried to talk *at* him less. For example instead of telling him to change out of pj's I just helped him out of his pjs and into his clothes while discussing something else interesting in his head. I gave less choices because for my ds often choices = battle. So I put lunch down for him instead of asking what he wanted and just called him to eat. If he didn't eat oh well. I also put the kids to bed earlier than I do when dh is home. I agree with it being easier in some ways because you just keep plugging along until it's done because no one else is going to do it.

Also I stuck to a pretty strict routine. We got up at roughly the same time, ate at the same times, had naps at the same times although ds doesn't nap he had to rest. Bedtime was the same time and we tidied the toys by racing each night before bed. I also made supper in the afternoon and just reheated it or let it simmer since crazy/grouchy time in my house is about 4-5pm so we just played during that hour and then had supper which was already made.

[littlehoneybee]

Originally Posted by hopefulfaith

The one thing I've learned is that I can't go crazy, or my kids do. If I am their only parent, then they only have me to set the tone for the day/week/month without Dad. Over the past few months, I've really worked on not raising my voice, not making threats/ultimatums, etc., and I feel like it really has made a difference. Getting out of the house really helps me, too.

I couldn't agree more with the above advice. My husband is deployed for a year or more and I have a one and four year old. During a bad two month period it seemed like my four year old was trying to misbehave in any way he could. I was yelling more and more and was so stressed out. After I made a point to not yell, his behavior improved a lot. Things have been much calmer around here

[claras_mom]

Dh left yesterday morning. Like some, I find it easier in some ways and not easier in others to have him gone.

I find myself slowing things way down. I try to have a lot less urgency about getting things done, and generally manage to get it all done anyway, and in about the same timeframe. This will be put to the test tomorrow and Wednesday, when I have early-morning appointments that I *must* be on time for, one a mandatory tour of the local alternative public elementary school, and the other a monthly faculty meeting.

I've been working, generally, on not yelling and on not being unnecessarily crabby (in other words, trying to leave job stress at work and not let it affect my interactions with my family--it's a work in progress, to be sure).

My kids are just-turned-five and almost-10-months.