Starting with tantrums - is this normal??

[olien]

DS is 17mo & this week he has started to have tantrums. He had 2 earlier in the week, but today he had 3. My concern is the duration & physical effects of them.

The 1st one today was over a box of TJ's pancake mix. He kept wanting the box. After gently explaining why he couldnt (mix could get all over), then saying no touch it just escalated. Before it got to tantrum stage I removed the mix & gave him the empty box. That just set him off & he screamed, cried & banged on the bathroom door for about 30min. Finally I distracted him with the Wiggles on TV, which I hated to resort to.

The next one I have no idea why it happened, he just started with the whining which quickly got worse. didnt last long maybe 5min

The last one was the most concerning. I was putting him to bed & When I put on his PJ's he freaked out. Tried to rip them off. Kept signaling the light so I turned the light off. It got worse. I tried taking the PJs off - he wanted them back on. I put the light on - he wanted it off. On & off, On & off.

The SCREAMING, Sobbing, flailing, kicking, headbanging, screaming, choking on saliva, nose running into his mouth, head twitching to the side when trying to catch his breath was horrifying for me to watch for 35 - 40min. The 1st one was almost as bad.

Is it normal for these tantrums to happen over silly things like pancake mix??
Is it normal for it to get this physical - fully body as opposed to just crying??
How long does this stage last??
Help!!!

[LianneM]

Yes, it's normal for it to happen over "nothing" and it's normal for it to be "whole body" - they usually learn to be careful on tile, IME.

Truly, it's not about what it seems - it's frustration, big feelings coming out of a little person who doesn't know what to do with them. I also think a big blowup like that is a result of multiple frustrations that just build up and spill over.

I haven't seen a tantrum last 30min in my kids, but I think they would keep it going if I kept talking to them, trying to reason with them, etc.

Just sit down near him (not too close if he doesn't want you to) and be quiet and take deep breaths. Open your arms some so it is clear by your body language that you are open to holding him when he's ready. If you want to gently say something in between cries, you might say, "you are really mad!" or "I'm here when you're ready" or something else validating and supportive.

I'm sure the length of the stage varies by kid. I think generally kids who can communicate earlier have less tantrum issues, just b/c they are able to get their point across and don't get as frustrated. This is why a lot of parents like to teach their kids to sign, which it sounds like you may do (by the signaling comment)

I'm sorry it's hard and frustrating. Concentrate on trying to stay calm and he will be able to calm down. If you are really stressed or freaked out, it's not going to help him calm down.

It gets better. My first did it and now my 2nd is 18mo and throws herself down at least once a day. It gets better!

[4Marmalade]

I agree with LianneM in that they seem pretty normal. My twins are 19 months and just recently ds has started these types of tantrums. They are full body on the floor although they don't last too long. I think some kids just have different ways of dealing with them. Some can be distracted after a few moments. For some trying to distract makes it worse. Some want comforting and soothing, some want to be left alone. When my ds gets going he seems to want me there but I am not allowed to touch him. It always seems like it's over something "silly" but I'm sure it is just a build up of frustrations over the day. It happens a few times a day.

Ds1 used to (and still can ) have really intense and long lasting tantrums. But he is quite a highly spirited, intense and sensitive child. I sincerely hope ds2 does not follow in his footsteps .

[sapphire_chan]

Yep, sounds normal.

The ones that upset me are when I'm pretty sure that if I knew what no earth she wanted it'd be okay, but since I have no idea she gets frustrated and freaks out.

Her big thing in laying on the floor sobbing because the world is Not Right. I've tried picking her up and putting her on the bed so she'll be more comfortable and she carefully climbs off the bed and walks over to a bare part of the hardwood floor to just sort of collapse in a puddle of sadness. It's actually really funny.

Then there's the times when she doesn't want to be put down, but she doesn't want to be held, but don't put her down, why am I holding her?!?!?, ahhhhh don't put her down!!!!

Your LO just started these? Hopefully it'll be a case of start late, over early!

Oh, and as for dealing, for the on the floor ones, I sort of observe until I feel like she's making herself more upset rather than working through things and I scoop her up and try a distraction. Since she's young and not doing really enthusiastic tantrums yet, it's about 3-5 minutes before I try to get her onto something new. The hardest thing to do, but most effective, is to get her outside.

[nudhistbudhist]

My ds started doing this as soon as he turned one. If he had a problem with us saying no to something, he would throw himself on the floor and bash his head on the the hardwood. Or he would stand and bash his head on the table. The key for us was to make sure he had routine that was predictable (naps and food) and get rid of the words "No" and "dont." Telling him what he can CAN do instead has made tantrums pretty rare now, unless he has gone two days without pooping... ugh. shudder.

[Marnica]

just wanted to send support. You are not alone. My almost 21 month old seems to be having tantrums frequently. It used to be once in a while, now its a daily thing. Most of the time I have no clue what is wrong! It is so frustrating!

[marispel]

Sounds normal. My 17 mo DS likes to bang his head when he is frustrated and then fling his arms around. I just let him bang (its never so hard that he will hurt himself) and I think he does it to let me know how MAD he is. It only lasts a couple minutes though. I pretty much observe, but ignore. When he is done, I'll try to get him interested in something else.

Changing clothes is often hysteria as well. He'll fall down on the ground crying. I just let him do that and then change his clothes anyway. He is usually fine, just hysteria for a couple minutes until I get his PJs off.

[cocobean]

We've been going through this with my 17mo ds. Try reading The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Harvey Karp MD. It's been very helpful for me. I think there might be a DVD if you want to save some time!

[Girlprof]

I second Happiest Toddler on the Block. That was very helpful to us. And yes, sounds completely normal. I think toddler tantrums are almost by definition about "nothing" at least some of the time. Both signing and the Harvey Karp book helped us, I think because they helped DS communicate and helped us let him know that we had heard him. But, that didn't mean no tantrums - it just meant they were fewer and shorter.

[LemonPie]

Yep, normal. My 16 mo is doing it too. She's had some marathon tantrums this week. I'm not even really sure what triggered some of them. She just gets upset about something small and it escalates. And hey, I distracted at least one of them with marshmallows, so yeah. . . don't feel guilty about the Wiggles

IME, you can't 'teach' them much in the way of not tantrumming or being rational at this age. They just aren't rational creatures yet. People will tell you to just let them tantrum and they'll 'learn' that they don't get anything out of it, but I really don't think that they're motivation is to 'get' anything from tantrumming at this age. It's just they have these big scary adult-sized emotions and toddler-sized verbal and reasoning skills.

Will he let you pick him up and cuddle him during the tantrums at all? That usually turns it off right away for my DD. But I remember times when one of my older kids didn't want to be picked up/held, so you can sit nearby, rub his back if he'll let you, talk quietly to him or sing to him. You'll find something that works.

[mom61508]

So what do you do when the tatrum is on you?

THis AM DD wanted in her stroller just as we where leaving to go "bye bye" and I told her she had to get in the car she FREAKED. so I picked her up to put her in the car and she started hitting me with her hand and toy(that was hard btw) It really hurt me and I kind of lost my temper with it. I try to tell her that hurts mommy calmly but she keeps going. I'm feeling very guilty about yelling at her about it but after 3 tantrums this AM I lost it