Pregnancy Pact

[AustinMom]

Ok, so watching the movie right now, almost over, and have some questions.

Should be give condoms to kids? Or have them available for them to take?
IMO, yes, and here is why. Trust me, I am very pro-abstinence, I myself practiced it and am happy I did and don't feel like I have missed out on anything. Yes, we should teach that. As parents, it is OUR job to teach our kids about sex, and the importance and time and place of it. Having condoms available at a school, I feel, won't change the conversation or relationship I have with my child and me telling him/her what is best. There are kids out there who's parents aren't as pro-active in these conversations and their kids are more likely to get pregnant, and their kids need a way to prevent conception.

Is pregnancy being addressed too late?
IMO, yes. Even with non-teen unplanned pregnancy, I think most pregnancies would be set on a better foundation if they were planned out. Of course, you are never "ready" to have a baby, because you never know what to expect.

Are teen girls trying to get pregnant today?
IMO, I'm sure of it. I think these teens usually only see the glamor of a baby, and not the work, process, and impact it will have on their life.

If you were the school nurse, what would you do?
IMO, when a girl came into my office and took a test, positive or not, i would set her up with a new mom, and have her "live in" type of thing, where she sees truly hands on how it is to have a baby. I'm not saying I don't love it, I do, but it's a lot of work, I'm married, able to be a SAHM, and felt very prepared with a realistic view of what life with baby would be, and even then, it's hard, and it's more difficult than I thought.

What do we do as parents?
IMO, obviously talk to our kids. Sex, to me, is an urge every teen is going to have. We should be telling them of this urge at an age before it starts. No, not 4 or 5, but maybe more like 11-13ish. Most kids (and if yours aren't, don't) are ready to hear about what their body parts are, what they are for, and when to use them. I think we should set high goals for our kids, goals for them to be successful and reach higher than a mom who is 16, struggles to get out of high school, struggles with the possibility to go to college, and struggles every where else. No, I see nothing wrong with being a SAHM. I am one. When I was a teen, I wanted to go to UT, be an architect, own my own business, and getting pregnant would only interfere with that. When I did find the love of my life, and get married, my ideals changed, and I love what I do as a SAHM.

Does the media have anything to do with it?
IMO, yes. Pregnancy in teen celebrities is glamorized. It only shows the good, glamor, magazine cover type thing that most teen girls are very much so influenced by. Can we fully blame the media, no, of course not.



I'm not saying that if any of you were a teen mom, or have a teen mom as daughter, you did anything wrong as parent, or your parents did anything wrong. I'm also not saying that if you were a teen mom that you did the biggest mistake of your life. I think most will agree that a pregnancy that happens in a committed relationship, is planned out, and happens when both parents are mature and "ready" (as they can be).


I am very open to view point changes, and other thoughts, please feel free to share.

[SubliminalDarkness]

Oh, thank goodness, it's not just me. I'm watching it, too!

Originally Posted by AustinMom

Should be give condoms to kids? Or have them available for them to take?

Yes, I think so. Teenagers are going to have sex. I did, and I don't regret it in the slightest. It was the right thing for me to do at the time and I'm glad for the experience of it.
I don't think abstinence is a reasonable expectation of teenagers as a whole. Some will choose to do it and choose to stick with it. Most will not. Why exacerbate the issue with diseases and unwanted pregnancies due to lack of information or access to tools?

Originally Posted by AustinMom

Is pregnancy being addressed too late?

I'm not quite sure how you mean this question. I think that sex education should be a normal part of the conversation from the time children are young.

Originally Posted by AustinMom

Are teen girls trying to get pregnant today?

Some, sure. I have no idea how many or if its a largely significant number compared to the ones who mistakenly get pregnant.
I know that just about any teenager(certainly anyone under 18) who chooses to get pregnant is seriously misguided.

Originally Posted by AustinMom

If you were the school nurse, what would you do?

Honestly, a school nurse doesn't have a lot of options. Her hands are tied legally, the school will have policies in place that restrict her, and even on a financial, practical level, she likely just doesn't have a way to do much.

Originally Posted by AustinMom

What do we do as parents?

My plan is to deal with my children factually, offer them access to whatever resources I can, and leave the door open to talk without consequences. We are quite frank about things in our family. Sex isn't a dirty word and we don't deny the realities of the human body or reproduction.

Originally Posted by AustinMom

Does the media have anything to do with it?

Yes, but I think this is also an easy thing to point a finger at and blame to take the blame off the people immediately involved.

[annekh23]

With condoms, I'm all for easy availability. When I started university, there was one in with a whole bunch of stuff we got given. A few weeks after we were married, DH got an envelope from his mum, which had a condom in it and a note saying she was returning it to him now he was able to use it. It turned out she'd seen it and taken it away from him. I related the story to my mum, who said you could tell she only has boys, because a mum of a girl might not like the idea of them having sex, but if they are they jolly well want them to be having safe sex. Frankly, I was shocked at his mum, she was a doctor, she should be well aware of STDs, not just pregnancy, we both were virgins on our wedding night, but what percentage of 18 year olds are, say they intend to remain so and actually stick with it!

Society already screams that sex is ok, so regardless of any personal opinion changing that message to SAFE sex seems like a good idea.

[choosewisdom]

Should be give condoms to kids? Or have them available for them to take?
I have no problem with condoms being available to my daughter when she is a teen, but I feel that it is more than a little difficult to provide them for teens as a group. Handing them out in school has always been more than a little difficult as there are parents that are not ok with condoms (religious) or the idea of anything other than NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE being taught (religious, previous experience, etc.).

Is pregnancy being addressed too late?
Yep, but not the job of any group, this is a parental discussion that is not happening.

Are teen girls trying to get pregnant today?
I certainly wasn't trying to prevent it when my ex-husband and I conceived. I was a baby, I realize now, but wanted to be a mommy...

If you were the school nurse, what would you do?
I, briefly, considered a school nurse position. I chose to not accept the position. Documentation and parental/teacher complaints are more than enough to keep the poor school nurse busy... Forget having time to set up individual time with other new moms (aside from overstepping boundaries and losing your job anyway...) Not to mention, had I been the teen mom that was set-up with a high school student, I am not certain that it would have worked the way it would have been intended. I was VERY in love with my daughter and kept hearing from many of my older friends that I would tire of being with my daughter so much (blah, blah, blah...) 11 years later, still loving every moment of being a mommy!

What do we do as parents?
Talk, talk, talk... I am very involved with my daughter and know all of her friends very well. She has known the correct names for her body parts since she learned to talk. She is not afraid to talk to me, even if she did something that she knows I will not approve of... I think this is all a good start, but I don't think there are any for sure ways to prevent teen pregnancy 100% of the time...

Does the media have anything to do with it?
Eh, maybe...

[TulsiLeaf]

I figure this.
If we teach proper sexual health in school (because many people do not teach it in the home) and have birth control available we can make a dent in the rise of teen pregnancy and std's. Not everyone shares the same religious beliefs and you can not expect your children to follow in your same footsteps regarding sexual practices. I don't want my daughter to have sex just because she feels socially pressured, but I am not going to underestimate her to believe that she wouldn't want to. So I will teach her about her body and her responsibilty to herself sexually.

[Grace and Granola]

Originally Posted by AustinMom

If you were the school nurse, what would you do?
IMO, when a girl came into my office and took a test, positive or not, i would set her up with a new mom, and have her "live in" type of thing, where she sees truly hands on how it is to have a baby. I'm not saying I don't love it, I do, but it's a lot of work, I'm married, able to be a SAHM, and felt very prepared with a realistic view of what life with baby would be, and even then, it's hard, and it's more difficult than I thought.

I agree with most of what you said, but on the above point....I don't think the school nurse has the ability/authority to do this. But this would be girls to see BEFORE they have sex, or even after becoming active but before getting pregnant. Showing this to already pregnant teens is going to send them straight to an abortion clinic...which doesn't solve the problem. On second thought, maybe all teen BOYS should experience life as a dad for a weekend so they'll keep they're pants on!!

[mamadelbosque]

I watched it last night, and really liked it. I definetly, 100% think condoms should be made available. Buying them, even as an adult is slightly embarrassing, and I really couldn't tell you why. It just is.

I do think the conversation should start earlier and be indepth, and I *DO* think we should teach Comprehensive Sex Ed in middle/high school. Yeah, some parents are going to object, so what? I remember parents objecting to halloween. Didn't mean most of us didn't get to celebrate it! If they object strongly, they can send in a note excusing their kid(s) from it. But let the majority take it and learn about condoms, and STDs, and pregnancy and everything else. Pass out a condom at the beginning of class and inform them that if anyone wants/needs more there's a basket on the desk beside the door.

As parents, I think we should lobby for the above comprehensive sex ed. And I think we should of course talk to our kids too. But everbodies parents aren't going to be up to it, and personally I'd like my sons' future girlfriends to be aware of the consequences of unsafe sex too. There will always be unplanned pregnancies, and their will always be teen pregnancies. All we can do is minimize and help to take care of them as best we can when they do occur.

[Hoopin' Mama]

I want to see this, I wonder if they will replay it.

[Cheryl33]

I got pregnant as a teenager, went to my school nurse and took a test with her. She was going to take me to have an abortion, but I ended up having a miscarriage. This was in the early 90's and in Canada, so I don't know what things are like now or if it varies from place to place. I'm glad I had her to rely on. I was about to graduate so I was almost an "adult" in a way, but not really. I then went to a clinic and got on the pill. A few months later my mom offered to put me on the pill (I had been living with my dad, then went to live with my mom after, but they never found out about the pregnancy) but I was already on it.

Personally, I will NEVER put my daughter on the pill. I don't react well to hormonal birth control, it gives me severe depression and caused me years of loss of quality of life, but it took me 3 times being on it to figure that out.

As I got older I became very big on condoms and actual barrier birth control, this is where the real protection is- if used of course. The pill is an easy way out for STD prevention to be avoided, I think this is a big problem.

Of course barrier birth control is only used if people actually have some self respect and self esteem. I didn't develop that part until my mid twenties. hope to install that in my kids and really stress that birth control isn't only about preventing pregnancy. It will be hard to predict exactly how that will play out since that will be 10+ years into the future. I have some experience from working with street teens and the like in my early 20's, but it will be quite a different experience with my own, I'm sure of that!

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 1/4/11 at 9:15am

[4C-mom]

http://www.amazon.com/Not-My-Daughte...pr_product_top

this is a link to a good book about pregnancy pacts. It is fiction, but its really good.
"not my daughter".

i thougth the movie kinda sucked. it had a good story, but it didnt really get too deeply into any of the characters. The above mentioned book is much better.

[TiredX2]

Moved to Books, Music & Other Media

[Porcelain Interior]

It bored me to tears so I turned it off. I was a teen and had a baby in 1995. There were condoms, everyone could also take the free bus to the free clinic and get free birth control and anything else under the sun. We all knew it was there. Most just chose not to use it.

I don't think it's an education issue at all, I think it's an issue of kids thinking they are invincible and our highly sexed society combined with low self esteem issues.

Many of the girls that get pregnant "accidentally" do it because they are trying to subsconsciously or consciously create the ideal family they don't have. Condoms don't really address that.

Anyway just my opinion. Kids need to value themselves, and unfortunately you can't package that inside a condom.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Cheryl33

Of course barrier birth control is only used if people actually have some self respect and self esteem. I didn't develop that part until my mid twenties. hope to install that in my kids and really stress that birth control isn't only about preventing pregnancy.

Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior

I don't think it's an education issue at all, I think it's an issue of kids thinking they are invincible and our highly sexed society combined with low self esteem issues.

I agree whole heartedly with these posts. This is far more about self-respect and esteem than information or access. My DD's are 11 and 13 and I speak with them frankly, but I think that the way I've been treating them their whole lives will have far more of an impact on what they do than what I say to them specifically about sex.

Many of the girls that get pregnant "accidentally" do it because they are trying to subsconsciously or consciously create the ideal family they don't have.

one of my friends DD's (who is 19) said that she thinks that many teen pregnancies are intentional and that the boys as well as the girls really want babies.

What I tell my kids:
1. If two people want to have sex and they don't want to have a baby, they should use two forms of birth control. One of them should be a condem.

2. Being sexual with another person can make the relationship more emotionally intense. It is crappy to have someone break up with you, but it is worse to have someone break up with you after being sexual. On the other hand, being sexual with a person and then getting to know them better and deciding you don't really like them all that much doesn't really feel great either.

3. The "no sex til marriage" doesn't really make sense to me. What about gay people? What if someone just really really wants to have sex? Should they just go ahead and get married? It just doesn't jive.

4. There is a middle path. In the media we see portrals of people who have sex recreationally with no relationship and from school/church/republicans we hear the message to not have sex outside of marriage. In reality, most people end up somewhere in the middle.

The message preached about abstinance comes loudest from those who keep getting caught with being sexual with people they should be with -- someone else's spouse, minors, etc. It's just icky.

5. Put as much thought into each partner you have as you do the first. Just because you've had sex before, it doesn't lower the bar.

6. Your value as a person is not linked in any way to your sexual choices. You are who you are and you are special and wonderful. I know that about you and I hope that you ALWAYS know that about yourself, no matter what happens.

7. You can always talk to me. Any questions or problems. I've got your insurance card and prescription card.

8. A baby is ALWAYS a blessing. However, it is easier to enjoy a baby when you have your education out of the way, are in a stable relationship, and have a solid income of your own. If you were to have a baby before you were really ready to care for it own you own, we would respect your choices and help you in whatever you wanted us to, but we feel that you would most likely be happier and find life easier if you wanted until well into adulthood.

I also bought a very frank book about sex aimed at teens and showed it to my kids and put it on a shelf. I figure there are questions they have that they might be embarrassed to ask.

If any of the moms who had their children when they were teens would like to add to what I say or comment, I've very open. I found what I was told to growing up to be useless so I'm doing things differently with my kids, but I'm making it up as a I go along.

[Cheryl33]

my pregnancy was not intentional, but I didn't do much to avoid it at the time either. I really didn't want a child, and it wasn't about attention. It was just hormones and inability to be responsible for myself.

I'm watching this now....Thora Birch is in it, who I LOVE. She looks good!

[AustinMom]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

That's funny to me! I think that condems should be availlable in public places for kids like yours that wouldn't dream of telling their parents! My kids could tell me if they wanted birth control, but yours most likely won't feel like they can.

The "no sex before marriage" was ground into my head to no effect. Telling your child to wait and your child actually waiting are very, very different things!

[/I]

Let me explain to you what my comment meant, as it seems you didn't understand it. I think condoms should be available to all kids. ALL, yes, even mine. I know that some people say "no, it just encourages sex". "It's not for the school to talk about sex....". "this is a family matter". For those who do say that as a fight against condoms, don't really make a good fight for their argument, because they can still have whatever religious, moral, or other conversation with condoms available and it shouldn't (if it is a conversations done right) have any impact on the kids whether condoms are available or not.

Second, you don't know me, and it seems from your comment, you are implying that me and my kids don't have a good enough relationship to talk about sex (by the way, my son is 18 mo, and no we haven't brought up sex, so I guess technically speaking, we don't, but....) I FULLY plan to not do the "sex is bad" "it's sin" thing on my child. Mainly because that's not true, and I don't like the idea of lying to my kid on such an important issue.

I'm confused, as I feel that this part of your comment was not meant in a helpful way (if this was the type of mom I am) but in a offensive way. If that's so, why? Were you raised this way and you feel your parents did wrong? I do sense some kind of hostility, and think you should address that with those involved as it is not me. Also, please don't, to anyone on any topic, make an assumptive statement, especially one that is false and meant in a negative way.


As far as the "wait for marriage talk". Yes, I think kids should set that as their goal, as you (usually) are in a committed relationship at that time, where I feel sex should take place, and is the most healthiest. Marriage is more than a wedding and contract you both sign. It's a commitment of the hearts and if my son or daughter have this with their other, then go for it. This is where it belongs, not as a recreational game, and not as something to do just because everyone else is doing it. This is what I am going to teach my kids. Personally, I think the majority of 16 year olds, are too young to be in this type of relationship, to experience that type of bond and appreciate it for what it is. MOST 16 yr olds. Not only, but I also think they are too young to really know then consequences of pregnancy, STDs, and other impacts sex can have.


All I'm saying, is please, if don't be judgmental. You have no idea what my kids are, or are going to be like, as I have no idea what yours are, which is why I see myself as unequipped to make a statement such as yours.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by AustinMom

Second, you don't know me, and it seems from your comment, you are implying that me and my kids don't have a good enough relationship to talk about sex

I've removed the part of my post you found offense. No offense was intended.

I wasn't implying that you and your kids won't have a good enough relationship to talk about sex. I believe that your kids, like every one else, will have free will. So it isn't really a matter of what you tell them, it's what they decide for themselves.

Many parents agree with you. They think that if they say the right words at the right time, their kids won't have sex. I believe it is a choice my kids will make for themselves.

MOST 16 yr olds. Not only, but I also think they are too young to really know then consequences of pregnancy, STDs, and other impacts sex can have.

I disagree. I think when we speak openly and honestly with them, kids younger than 16 can understand the consequences of different actions, including sex. I feel that my 11 and 13 year old have a pretty good understanding, and that having that understanding will help them make better choices.

[AustinMom]

Trust me, i am in no way saying that if I tell my kids not to have sex they won't. There is no way that would ever be true, if it was, teen pregnancy wouldn't be a problem. I am going to encourage them to make responsible choices, and teach them what sex is about, and when it is appropriate. Of course, this doesn't mean that he/she is going to practice abstinence, but, if we have a good relationship, and we are open about it, and honest, the chances are smaller.

What I meant was most (again not all) 16 yr olds who have gotten pregnant or are trying to get pregnant, don't know the consequences. I knew then consequences at 16, which is why I didn't do it, I had too much going on, and it was too much of a risk to even be in that kind of relationship. I had very high goals for myself, and didn't have much time for things other than school and work and bills.

[tinybutterfly]

Hi!

I am moving this to Preteens and Teens, since the discussion doesn't really seem to be about the movie itself, but seems to be more about what is and is not appropriate or helpful for preteens and teens.

Please remember to stay within the UA and Forum Guidelines.

Thanks!

tinybutterfly

[karne]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

I also bought a very frank book about sex aimed at teens and showed it to my kids and put it on a shelf. I figure there are questions they have that they might be embarrassed to ask.

Linda, can you share which book this is? Thanks.

At a recent dr's visit the dr. was having a fairly frank discussion w/my dd, w/me in the room-I was all for it. My dd could participate and was clearly informed because we talk, talk, talk. Pre-teen, BTW. As with a lot of these issues, I don't really have a good road map, so to speak, but this seems the best place to start.