Quality of life question...where to live?

[berry987]

We have an opportunity to live mortgage-free near where I grew up. My DH works from home, so we could do this and live a pretty simple, happy life. My parents live there. It's a nice, safe area with good schools. I enjoyed growing up there for the most part, but it is also a conservative area with mainstream values....big SUVs, ultra-competitive sports programs, etc.

I am liberal. As a teenager my views and way of life (and my parents') were starkly different from most of my friends and their families. I am also a pretty low-key person who enjoys baking bread, cooking, and just being at home with friends and family.

THe other option is my DH goes back to work in the big city, we buy a house close-in (so he has a short commute) in a super-liberal, but much more intense type of town. Not many SAHMs (I SAH), lots of traffic, a much more frenetic type of life. So although our political/general world views would match up, I'm not sure much else will. And, we will not be mortgage-free there. So out day-to-day lives will be much more focused on earning money. But it is also kind of an exciting, busy, liberal-activist kind of area.

It seems like a no-brainer to move to my hometown, but I am struggling with the worry that I'll feel suffocated by the suburban, conservative vibe. (And maybe just a little scared because I never PLANNED to move back to my hometown...so maybe I feel like I'm settling a bit too much.)

I guess my question is - is it really that important to live near like-minded people to find friends and fit in? Or should I just focus on our pace of life and being near family? WWYD?

[Katie T]

I would move back home. That IMO seems like the better choice. I hope your happy with whatever you decide.

[AutumnW]

I would definately go with the mortgage free option. You could live the way you want with your dh working from home and not worrying too much about money. Even in an area like that you can live the way you want and you will most likely be able to find a few people nearby that share your views.

[mamazee]

I am ultra-liberal and live in a very conservative area, and it really isn't bad. I have lots of very conservative friends, and I have surprisingly found a few liberal friends around here too. I'd go mortgage free, absolutely.

[hopefulfaith]

Another liberal in a conservative area. I would go mortgage-free near family in less than a heartbeat. The values you teach in your home supercede what the kids see. Besides, YOU grew up there and came out okay, right? And if your parents support your values, all the better. What a great opportunity!

[alfabetsoup]

I will be the voice of dissent and say move to the city. We just tried the lower cost of living conservative suburban area and were so unhappy there that we have moved back to our tiny city house. We have less disposable income, less space, and only one car, but it is so much more fun. There's more to do, the kids are happier because we go out every day and walk everywhere, and we only get in the car about twice a week.

The only argument I could see for the suburbs is that your family is there--if you have other friends there as well that would probably be the way to go.

[Daffodil]

Those aren't the only two options, are they? If your husband works from home, don't you have a lot of choices about where to live? Of course, there's a lot to be said for being near your family and living mortgage-free, but if you're worried you might not enjoy it there, maybe you could pick a place that isn't a big, frenetic city, but also isn't full of conservatives with mainstream values. There are plenty of safe, peaceful small towns with lots of liberals in them.

[velochic]

Do you have an option to move back to the mortgage-free situation temporarily? Just to try it out? Or do you have to make an either or decision that will be more or less set in stone?

ETA: Yeah, I was kind of thinking along the lines Daffodil was. Are these the only options?

[ollyoxenfree]

I would consider the mortgage-free option, because I think often one can build the community one wants. Although the majority may hold different political and social views, it's likely that there are a few who don't. It's possible to seek them out and create a social network. In addition, I don't always have to agree politically with people to value what they have to offer as friends.

Best wishes with the decision.

[berry987]

Thank you for the all the wonderful replies. To answer a couple of questions -
yes, we basically have only those two options (well, besides moving really far away, but we want to stay somewhat close to family, so not really an option). We live in an area with a big city that has some great close-in neighborhoods, but to be close without much commute, we'd need to pay a lot (hence, my DH would have to stop working from home and take a city job) and those in-close neighborhoods are pretty busy/intense or we can move further out, to the mostly conservative burbs and live mortgage-free and a more laid-back lifestyle.

For anyone who knows the area, I'm talking about the DC area. We can either live in suburban MD (Anne Arundel County) or close-in -- the Bethesda/Arlington/Takoma Park type areas. We can afford to pay cash for a home in Anne Arundel county or pay 3x as much and have a pretty sizeable mortgage closer in.

I think another struggle is that for years I've desperately wanted to live somewhere walkable...and the burbs just aren't. Not these burbs anyway.

I am leaning more towards living in my hometown because I do have mostly fond memories of being a kid there. It wasn't until I got older and really saw the area from an outside perspective that I started feeling negative about it. And I do still have some friends in the area....we are not super-close friends, but I'd have a starting off point. And of course my parents live there...which is mostly great. Maybe I am just struggling with aligning my teenage/college fantasies about what my adult life would be like with the realities. I love my life for the most part, but I never, ever imagined moving back home. In fact, I spent my twenties silently judging my friends who did that.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by berry987

I guess my question is - is it really that important to live near like-minded people to find friends and fit in? Or should I just focus on our pace of life and being near family? WWYD?

For me, it is that important, and I'd go for the urban option. I grew up in a conservative mainstream place. While there are things I miss (mostly my family), I would not move my kids there unless I had absolutely no option. It's important for me that my children aren't taught some of the things I was in school - lack of cultural awareness, that "other countries don't value life as much as we do," rigid socially-defined gender roles, evangelical Christianity. Those things just aren't what I want my children to have as the majority opinion around them, and by moving back, that's what I'd be doing. So, if you are really political, then I'd say it's worth it to think about where you are planting your children.

[mamabeca]

I struggle w/this too. I think you will find like minded people ANYWHERE you move, even in the conservative burbs. You may have to stalk parenting groups, libraries etc. to find them lol, but they're out there! That aside, you will have a wider network of people to associate with, and more stuff to do (for you, the kids, and as a family) closer in, but you will be sacrificing a lot - time as a family, space/green space, etc. The turn ON for those sacrifices is that your kids learn to appreciate the time together that you do have, and they also learn that green spaces are SHARED spaces, something backyards in suburban areas tend to allow people forget. Other considerations: we decided on the burbs for 2 main reasons 1) my husband is a BIG guy, and living in small quarters is HARD for him. He is not comfortable in them, and tends to step on people, knock stuff over etc. More space is really not optional for him! 2) we have a dog, and not a little lap one. He LOVES having a yard, and being off leash there. that's huge, for me. So if I were married to a smaller (more normal lol!) sized guy, and didn't have a dog, or this dog, or a big dog, or whatever, I would be HAPPY to be back in the city. I LOVE public xport, actually LOVE it! I miss it SO much. I take it every chance I get when we go to Boston or NYC. I don't *mind* driving, but I loathe suburban driving - library/school/shopping runs. BLEH! I totally dig container gardening, which is so much more manageable in the city. I feel kind of lame doing that here in the burbs. For our (read: my family's) quality of life, we are suburban, but the dog is almost 11 now, and my husband and I are considering our next move - I am DEFINITELY shooting for a split rural/urban thing where he could focus his time in the rural and I can split my time between rural and urban - going back to school or retraining once the kids are full time in school - I am SO excited about that possibility!! I think you will need to weigh it for yourself, mama. Good luck!!!

[Momily]

I live in DC, and I'm scratching my head a little at your perceived choices. There are lots of very livable areas in the city where house prices are way less than Bethesda or Takoma Park. I'm also curious how you think you're going to avoid SUVs and competitive sports by moving to Bethesda?

Look at Mount Ranier, or Hyattsville, or the are around the Forest Glen neighborhood. If you'd like to be in the city look at Petworth, Brightwood or Brookland. I'm sure there are plenty of other neighborhood

If you find that those neighborhoods don't meet your standards or still aren't affordable, then I vote for AA County. I think the gift of having your DH work at home is huge, and unless he's dying to go back to the office, I wouldn't ask it from him.

[newbymom05]

I don't know how old your children are, but if they're young or if you're planning on having more, I"d move home. DH and moved away from our families for his job before we had kids. We aren't comfortable leaving a baby/nursling/pre-verbal child w/ a non-family member, and since our kids are young and close in age, we pretty much haven't had a date in almost 5 years. I would gladly live surrounded by jerks--let alone conservatives!--if it meant I could call up my mom or sibs and say "Hey, I"m going to drop off the kids and have lunch with DH/go clothes shopping for myself/get a haircut/go to the doctor." Right now, for me to do those things alone are either impossible or things that require lots of planning. Family support is huge and I don't know many people w/ babies or little kids who willingly choose to go without it. Add in the no-mortgage and I wouldn't even be thinking twice about it.

[snoopy5386]

We live in Carroll County right now and I would LOVE to move to Anne Arundel county!! Even out here in super conservative rural Carroll County I have found a GREAT group of AP/Natural parenting moms and families - we have a moms group of all AP/NP parents that is over 50 families and growing. We have several no vax friendly pediatricians, organic farms, sources for grass fed beef and milk, etc. etc. I have had to look hard to find these things, but they are here - I am sure they are even easier to find in AA county. There is a great birth center there in Annapolis - Special Beginnings - we'll be birthing there even though it is over an hour drive. AA county is super close to both Baltimore and DC. You can take the MTA into Baltimore and you are a short drive to the Metro into DC.
We made the choice to live in town (many of our friends are extremely rural)- DH walks to work every day (we often walk over there ourselves), we can also walk to the grocery store, the library, several parks, our town's rec center, downtown shops and restaurants all within 10-20 mins. Both ourselves and our immediate neighbors are 1 car families (but they win, they have a prius). I'm sure you can find a similar situation in AA county. Mortage free is the way to go!

[SunshineJ]

I'd vote for a move back, with a qualifier. Make a 5 yr commitment at the mortgage free house. During that time, pay a mortgage payment to your savings account. If, after 5 yrs you just cannot stand it any longer, you will be able to sell your house and add that cash to the
"mortgage payments" you made during those 5 yrs and possible keep the work situation the same while moving someplace else. Honestly though you may be surprised. DH had commented to me quite often that his home town never changed. People liked things the same, and in all the years he knew it, nothing really got any different. However, we moved back close to the area last fall and it's changed significantly in the past 8 years. A lot of that is with the housing boom and fall, economy, etc. people have been very mobile the past decade. You may have to look a bit, but it wouldn't surprise me if you moved back and were able to find people of like values! Either way, it sounds like a great and safe place for kids to grow up.

[baglady]

DH and I are the only liberals in a super conservative area. We just moved here from a much more liberal city. Culturally I miss certain aspects of city life, but I think we made the best choice. There are great schools here and there are kids outside playing everyday. We're also close to DH's family which is very helpful.

I too worry about raising kids in such a conservative place, but DH was raised here and made it through. My FIL says it's all about exposing your kids to as much as you can and making sure to discuss issues with them.

As others have suggested, give it a trial run. We made the move with an understanding that we can always leave.

[artgoddess]

One thing about being liberal in a conservative town is when you do find the liberal pockets of friends, they really stick together.

[AutumnAir]

Originally Posted by newbymom05

I don't know how old your children are, but if they're young or if you're planning on having more, I"d move home. DH and moved away from our families for his job before we had kids. We aren't comfortable leaving a baby/nursling/pre-verbal child w/ a non-family member, and since our kids are young and close in age, we pretty much haven't had a date in almost 5 years. I would gladly live surrounded by jerks--let alone conservatives!--if it meant I could call up my mom or sibs and say "Hey, I"m going to drop off the kids and have lunch with DH/go clothes shopping for myself/get a haircut/go to the doctor." Right now, for me to do those things alone are either impossible or things that require lots of planning. Family support is huge and I don't know many people w/ babies or little kids who willingly choose to go without it. Add in the no-mortgage and I wouldn't even be thinking twice about it.

Having supportive family near-by would just make my quality of life so much better instantly that there would have to be some serious cons (like nuclear waste coming out of the taps or something ) for me not to take that option, especially if it also meant DH could work from home and we could be mortgage free. The 'big smoke' is within shooting distance, so you could always go in for a day when you want to, right? I mean, you're not going to be marooned on an island or anything. You could drive in for meet-ups with more like-minded folks if you really can't find anyone who shares your values in the burbs.

[SomedayMom]

I moved back home and I've been thrilled to have the grandparents close by. Honestly, nothing compares to that. However, I moved home FROM the ultra conservative Bible Belt to a more fiscally conservative suburb of a city that overall leans more to the liberal side. So, even though my neighbor is a Rush Limbaugh loving nutcase, I can pretty easily find people that share my social convictions and it's not all that difficult to find people who even lean towards the overall liberal. They might not live next door, maybe it's 20 minutes away, but they are there. We can talk, our kids can play, and I feel incredibly happy.

It really sounds like you are staying in the same metropolitan area, and the specific area you would be in might be more conservative, you maintain some proximity to like minded people. It's not like you are going to relocate to the Bible Belt right? Extra financial stability is pretty important I think...And never underestimate having family close by. It's night and day.