Capable of using the potty- but refuses?

[Stephenie]

DS is has used the potty in the past just fine to pee. He's always refused to poo and asked for diaper. That I could deal with. But now he will not go on the potty at all. I can't get him to sit on it for one second. I've tried all sorts of bribery and it doesn't work. If I leave him diaperless he will go hours without an accident, but does the potty dance and obviously has to go. He went five hours the other day until it was naptime and I put a diaper on him.

Anyone been through this? If he just wasn't physically ready, it wouldn't bother me as much, but he just does not want to do it.

He'll be three in April.

[nameisrio]

I recently posted this response to someone else...

My daughter is 3 yrs. 2 mos and we were in the same boat less than 2 weeks ago. She was definitely holding onto diapers for security or maybe it was a control issue. I tried refusing to put her in diapers; that led to major tantrums. I tried telling her we weren't buying any more diapers when we ran out - that didn't go over well either. Finally, I suggested we have a "Potty Party". I bought a cake and let her decorate it. Then I told her to have some cake (she LOVES cake) she had to use the potty. She did - and this was after her not going NEAR the potty for probably 2 months, at home or school. Then I told her we were giving our last few diapers to the "Potty Fairy". We put them in a bag and set it outside. I told her the Potty Fairy would bring her a present in the AM and that she would wear panties from now on and pull-ups at night.

IT WORKED! She had had maybe 3 or 4 accidents since then, most in the first couple of days. She now uses the potty at school too. Yesterday, she used a public toilet (adult size) for the first time, while we were at a bday party.

Sounds a little silly, but it might be worth a try. (I did a similar thing with the "Bottle Fairy" when she turned 2, which also worked great.) Good luck!

[Stephenie]

Hmm I offered him a party (worked for weaning) but he's said no. But he is super into faeries and may get into that.

Thanks for the advice.

[boheime]

Is there a reason he can't continue to use diapers? I guess I just don't see that this is worth a power struggle over. Being capable of using the potty doesn't equate being ready to use it.

[mamazee]

Kids have absolute control over input and output, and they know it, so sometimes kids who are looking for more autonomy in general will try to get it in those ways. If that's what's going on, he might relax on this issue if he is given more autonomy somewhere else. Like if he gets to get out his own clothes and choose what to wear each morning, or something like that. You could ask him if there's something he'd like to be in charge of. It might help.

[Bokonon]

ITA with the PPs. Being totally potty trained is more often about being willing to than being able to. My DS wasn't potty trained until he was 4, because he just didn't care. He could do it, he just didn't want to. And there was nothing I could say or do to make him want to do it. Once he turned 4, he finally felt like a big boy and had the desire to wear underpants. He still asked for a diaper to poop in, until a couple of months later when I was able to coerce him into sitting on the potty when he had to poop. I blew bubbles in the bathroom for him and that's all it took to get him pooping on the potty! But he was just not emotionally ready to be in underpants before he was 4.

And since you have a little one at home too, your son may just be trying to hold on to that last bit of babyness, and that last bit of control for himself.

[Stephenie]

I want him out, I'm done with having two in diapers. He grew out of the last of the cloth and I don't want to replace them or buy disposables. I'm broke, I'm sick of giant toddler poopy and I'm just done. (And I know I don't get to choose, I just feel that way)
He has a lot of control, actually. He picks out his own clothes, gets choices for 2 meals a day, basically dictates which way our day is going to go (IE are we going to color or take a walk, play with blocks or bake cookies etc)
He could be trying to hold onto being a baby, but he generally doesn't talk about it. He wants to do "big boy" things for the most part.

[Bokonon]

Originally Posted by Stephenie

I want him out, I'm done with having two in diapers. He grew out of the last of the cloth and I don't want to replace them or buy disposables. I'm broke, I'm sick of giant toddler poopy and I'm just done. (And I know I don't get to choose, I just feel that way)
He has a lot of control, actually. He picks out his own clothes, gets choices for 2 meals a day, basically dictates which way our day is going to go (IE are we going to color or take a walk, play with blocks or bake cookies etc)
He could be trying to hold onto being a baby, but he generally doesn't talk about it. He wants to do "big boy" things for the most part.

Believe me, I understand your frustration! But the more emotion you show about pottying, the less he's going to want to do it. I tried EVERYTHING. I broke down. I cried because I was changing a 4 year old's diapers. But once I just kind of let go and accepted that he was calling the shots, he felt less pressure and did it on his terms.

Your son probably doesn't even know why he doesn't want to use the potty. I know mine couldn't tell me why he didn't want to, and he has always been a very verbal child.

[nudhistbudhist]

We do EC with our babies from birth, and go thru things similar fairly frequently. DS is 16 mo and has been able to hold it thru the night since 5 months. However, anytime there is major change in our lives,or he hits a milestone/teething, he has a potty strike. So instead of bribing or "forcing" him, we offer potty alternatives. In the summer and early winter, we pee him outside, sitting on my lap. Or we put him in the bath tub and turn the tap on a dribble. It distracts him and the rushing water sound usually triggers a pee. Sometimes he will go if we let him stand and hold a potty bowl in front of him to pee in. I also remember a period of time where DS was rerusing the potty because I was anticipating his needs. It was obvious he needed to go, but he wanted to be the one to tell ME, no the other way around. He was looking for that little bit of control of his life, which I had no problem giving him, once I figured it out.

One thing is for sure, I wouldnt be putting any additional pressure on him to use the potty. Kids have a knack for figuring out what we are trying to get them to do, and do the opposite. The key for us for succesful diaper free babies from birth has been letting go of results.

[es1967]

My Ds is 3 yrs and 4 months. At home-when he is naked he goes to the potty all the time. He's been doing this for over 6 months-no accidents. The problem is that he does not want to wear underwear. I even got him Thomas underwear but he still refuses. When we go out he wants a diaper on no matter what. I'm going thru the same thing. Also, trying to get him into a preschool PT but he needs to be potty trained. My friend did the running out of diaper thing and it worked for her. Her son was around 3 1/2.
I'll be watching this thread closely. I'm in no hurry but I need to do some PT work so it would be great if I could get him out of diapers.

[Stephenie]

Thanks everyone. I am sure I am just overthinking it because I'm tired and would like to have this be over. We don't really push. We remind him the potty is there every day and recently told him he could have a peice of candy if he went. And we don't do candy at all so I thought he'd be all over it. But he's not there yet so I guess I just have to wait.