Does your DH/DP understand how hard it is (sleep issues)?

[bluedaisy]

My dd is not a great sleeper and my dh has never been able to put her to bed. She's 14 months now and there was a time when it would take me 45-90 min to get her to sleep for each of her 2 naps and bed, so i would spend HOURS each day trying to get her to sleep. I haven't slept for more than 4 hours in 14 months. lately she's been waking up in the middle of the night for 2-4 hours stretches. i can't go anywhere during her nap times and in the evening because she wakes up and will scream if i'm not there.

I don't think my DH really understands how exhausting and frustrating this is - most days I am able to be patient but I do have many moments of frustration around sleep and i'm always tired.

my dh doesn't understand why i get so frustrated...and the other day my DH said we need to do something about her sleep because her waking up is now starting to wake him up (he usually sleeps through the night and doesn't even hear her wake up)

ummm..he's complaining because he briefly wakes up a few times???? I have to literally get up and nurse/rock/bounce EVERY time she wakes up and have been doing this for the past 14 months.

my dh is very supportive in general and is very helpful with my dd, but I just don't think he gets how hard sleep deprivation/issues are. just wanted to vent....anyone else?

[FrugalGranolaMom]

I've had similar issues in my house too, dh would complain that ds waking up would also wake him up (interesting since he is snoring most of the time when i wake to nurse ds )

[Louisep]

He did not get it until he started to be more involved. DS required me to put him down, like your DC for every nap and bedtime and middle of the night waking (he's a frequent night waker too). I was gradually going insane and felt my whole life revolved around getting ds to sleep. So, gradually DH started to try and put ds to sleep alone. It worked a few times but not really. Now what we do is BOTH put ds to sleep by lying next to him and cuddling him, one on each side. (Before that I used to have to bounce him in the ergo and then one day he just stopped needing that.) After a few weeks of us doing this, ds started to accept dh comforting him for the first wake of the night. Now, a couple of months later, dh is able to spend half the night with ds dealing with his night wakings without me (this only happened this week). So, now, finally, dh gets it. But no one truly can understand the depths of sleep deprivation and the monotony of putting a child to sleep, again and again unless they've walked in your shoes. I get it, I truly do. I have often told myself that there will be pay back for dh when ds gets older and wants to go to the park at the crack of dawn to play!

[kgreenemama]

Originally Posted by Louisep

But no one truly can understand the depths of sleep deprivation and the monotony of putting a child to sleep, again and again unless they've walked in your shoes. I get it, I truly do. I have often told myself that there will be pay back for dh when ds gets older and wants to go to the park at the crack of dawn to play!

Yeah, that.

I flipped out when DH started wearing earplugs to bed. The difference is that I don't get a choice in "tuning out" the wakings. I am required to hear them and be the one to respond.

Don't get me wrong. DH deserves the 'D' in DH. He's the most patient and supportive man I know. Some men - my father included, said, "Put that baby in her own room and don't you dare go in there until morning." So I am thankful that I am in a marriage that is fully supportive of the AP lifestyle. However, the greater challenges that accompany it often are, as they have always been, left to the mommies. What is even more difficult to accept is that some babies, like ours, require more attention. This can make a mom feel really alone out there.

Vent on. I think it is important to do. You sound like a loving, strong mom.

[sky_and_lavender]

Despite that my husband has been involved in the nightly sleep challenges from the very beginning, he still really doesn't understand the depths of sleep dep and monotony that I go through as the primary caregiver. Luckily he does take my word for it when I say "I have to sleep--you take her," and he takes her and lets me sleep. He considers childcare legitimate work, thank goodness. But then he goes out to work for most of the day and doesn't get what it's like to be here, day in and day out, dealing with a difficult napper.

I try to remind myself that I don't know what it's like to go to work all day and be apart from the new love of his life. But there are times when the sight of his peacefully sleeping form on the other side of the bed makes me so angry I scare myself.

The ONE THING that has saved my sanity is my portable mp3 player. I load it up with shows I enjoy (mostly from NPR) and it makes things more bearable, though I have at times felt a little guilty that I distract myself from my baby and the tasks at hand while I listen.

Anyway, I'm with you.

[Honey693]

DH doesn't get it either. He thinks we should CIO b/c that's the only to get a kid to sleep. Since I won't do that I'm pretty much on my own at night.

[Punchy Kaby]

Originally Posted by Crystal_R

DH doesn't get it either. He thinks we should CIO b/c that's the only to get a kid to sleep. Since I won't do that I'm pretty much on my own at night.

This is where we are too. DH believes DD needs to learn to sleep by herself and CIO is the 'best' way to do that. He took care of her for a few nights and let her CIO and said 'see, it worked'. But it didn't really because she got sick and started waking again several times and instead of me being able to comfort DD with pats and cuddles I have to nurse her everytime. We broke her trust and I feel horrible. And DH yells at me telling me I'm doing the wrong thing. Grrr.

Not many people understand sleep deprivation. Even in a few years when our babies are older children (and hopefully sleeping well) we will forget the intensity of the situation.

[ElliesMomma]

nope.

he works, starting very early morning (ie middle of the night) and is home early evening. he sleeps in the downstairs bedroom, while i'm upstairs with the kids. i'm on my own with nighttime parenting.

a couple weekends ago he got sick and SLEPT THE ENTIRE WEEKEND. this weekend i got his bug, do you think i got to sleep the entire weekend? ha, not even close. i was up all night with both kids, didn't sleep more than a couple hours at a stretch, then tried several times to nap with just the baby. the last time, DD came to get me, she said "dad was supposed to hang out with me, but he went to sleep." ugh.

someday the kids will be grown and it will all be a memory. but i don't like how crabby i feel these days...

[nudhistbudhist]

DH thought he understood... and I knew there was no point explaining again and again. There's no way you would understand until you've BTDT. Lucky for me, I got pregnant! As we reached the end of my pregnancy, we made a gradual transition from me doing 100 % of the nightime parenting to him doing 100% of the night time parenting. Now, of course, DS only wakes up 2-5 times a night, goes to bed fairly easily and doesnt scream when he wakes up anymore, but DH was feeling totally sleep deprived and grouchy everyday. I hate to admit it, but that first week of watching him suffer felt pretty darn good after 14 months of sleep hell!!!!! I only recently felt he would understand my POV, and finally divulged that there was a whole month that I felt the only solution was to check in to the hospital and have them lock everyone out and drug me into a deep deep coma for a week straight so I could catch up on over a years worth of sleep.

Great news though... my little girl was born 11 days ago, and she's pretty much been sleeping ever since. My ds was awake for like 3 days after birth, so I finally know what "sleeping like a baby" means... it's not the cruel joke I used to think it was!

[Pookietooth]

DH doesn't put either to bed either. When dd was brand new, he'd let ds stay up watching DVDs in the living room until he passed out, which was around 3 or 4 am. He'd just go to sleep, not even bothering to say good night to anyone, and leave ds there watching them. I would be in bed with dd, and wouldn't be able to get up, but would see the light from the DVD player everytime I woke up. Ugh.

[hopefulfaith]

Originally Posted by Louisep

But no one truly can understand the depths of sleep deprivation and the monotony of putting a child to sleep, again and again unless they've walked in your shoes. I get it, I truly do.

That's exactly it.

My kids are 4 and 3, and my 4 year old ds is just starting to STTN....most nights. I even count getting up in the middle of the night and climbing in my bed as STTN these days because I feel slightly idiotic for *still* talking sleep issues at ages 4 and 3.

I did/do all the sleep/nighttime parenting because I am the at-home parent. My dh is a great guy, and I'm not being disparaging -- but all of the nighttime parenting is on me and always has been. I can count the number of nights that I have slept all night in the past five years on one hand, and I feel that: I am several dozen pounds overweight and the whole nine yards.

When I think about the things that have changed my life the most, years of sleep deprivation is in the top three. Perhaps the top two. Dh just does not get that - and for it having been such a life-changing, world-altering thing for me, it's a hard thing for me not to have him understand.

But he doesn't. You can't unless you've done it.

[BlueWolf]

My DH says he gets it, but he really doesn't. He travels M-F for work, and when he's home he's put himself on night duty (As of two months ago). He's a great husband and a great dad. But he doesn't get it. He has two nights a week of night duty that's only been in place for two months. He doesn't have a continual build up of sleep deprivation for month after month after month. When he goes back to work, he goes back to STTN. Plus, if our DD has a pretty rough night, he's a train wreck in the morning. He falls apart on the low or no sleep from one night.

It's really hard to watch someone else complain about how tired they are when I haven't sleep longer than four hours in a stretch since before DD was born. I have found out that the body does adjust to less sleep over time. LOL Not that that makes it any easier. If I was getting the amount of sleep I get now before I was pregnant, there would be no way I could have functioned on any level. Now? It's just my life...

[tykys]

Like your DH, mine is very supportive - but that doesn't mean he "gets" it! Even before we had children, I had issues with insomnia, all the while he was sleeping like a baby. He can fall asleep in 20 seconds - takes me anywhere from 20 minutes on a fabulous night to 4 hours - or no sleep at all on a bad night... he just doesn't understand. Now that we have a teething almost 4 month old, sleep to me is a luxury when it happens. He's always been in lala land. Ahh what I wouldn't do.. haha.

ETA - he's alwaaays complaining about being tired too and it drives me batty. I get to watch him sleep for hours on end and HE'S THE TIRED ONE?!

[4JMJ]

Originally Posted by Crystal_R

DH doesn't get it either. He thinks we should CIO b/c that's the only to get a kid to sleep. Since I won't do that I'm pretty much on my own at night.

Same situation here! It can get pretty frustrating sometimes!

[Cartesia]

What drives me UP THE WALL is when DP complains that I go to bed too early.

AAAGGGHHHHHHHHH, I could spit, it makes me so angry.

I do all the night time parenting for a variety of reasons and I have survived a year of hourly wakings and it is SO HARD but I'm making it, mostly because I go to sleep at 8:30 most nights.

and then DP whines that I don't stay up & watch movies......

even writing this I want to scream.

[tykys]

Originally Posted by Cartesia

What drives me UP THE WALL is when DP complains that I go to bed too early.

AAAGGGHHHHHHHHH, I could spit, it makes me so angry.

I do all the night time parenting for a variety of reasons and I have survived a year of hourly wakings and it is SO HARD but I'm making it, mostly because I go to sleep at 8:30 most nights.

and then DP whines that I don't stay up & watch movies......

even writing this I want to scream.

Oh I soooooo hear you!

Get this. My DH works swing shift (2PM-11:30PM) and whines when I'm not up to watch our tivo'd shows with him. Yes, you heard me correctly. Granted, some nights I am up because I'm a night owl, but on the nights I'm not he feels all neglected... POOR POOR THING!!

[angrypixiemama]

OP - I hear you. We have been trying to get DD ready for the newborn that will soon be joining us, and so the past few weeks, DH has actually heard her wake up at 2:30 in the morning (like she has every other night of her 3 year old life). He commented on it, and I laughed right at him, and said as much. He was utterly shocked. The good thing was that he has been much better about offering me naps or helping to get her to bed since that point.

[blizzard_babe]

DH gets it... but didn't get it until he became the primary daytime caregiver. I still don't think he "got" how difficult the nightwakings were for me (they would briefly disturb his sleep, but he could grunt, roll over, and be snoring again in ten seconds ), but he has a good understanding of how frustrating DS can be to get to sleep.

Even though DS is like 75% STTN right now, and not nursing at night, I still remember the bitterness. Ooooh, I was not a happy camper.

[texmati]

I think he gets it. but for a looong (months) time, we would both get up at each feeding. I don't think he realized how much draining daytime solo parenting was until he was left on his own for a bit.

blizzard babe- I love your signature!

[Icehockey18]

Originally Posted by FrugalGranolaMom

I've had similar issues in my house too, dh would complain that ds waking up would also wake him up (interesting since he is snoring most of the time when i wake to nurse ds )

Lol!! Same thing here! One morning I was so frustrated because I had finally gotten ds to sleep, but I couldn't fall asleep because dh was snoring! I Tod dh that I couldn't sleep because of him and his response was that he didn't snore... Because he would know if he did!