Quote:
Originally Posted by LynnS6  Something I've written before, but bears repeating:
When your child moves from being an infant to being toddler, your job as a parent changes.
For infants, needs = wants. A cry from an infant indicates an unmet need that should be addressed. Therefore, I would never let an infant cry if I could help it.
However, a toddler's mind and world is more complex. Toddlers have wants that aren't needs. (And sometimes needs that aren't wants - like diaper changing!) They are also developing autonomy (however fragile) and complex emotions.
Thus, as your child becomes a toddler, your job shifts from stopping crying to helping your child learn to deal with their complex, powerful emotions. Clearly needs must be met.
Preventing crying isn't always the best way to help children deal with emotions. In fact, sometimes it might be detrimental. You don't want to teach your child that crying is so scary to mom/dad that they will do anything to prevent it. Toddlers and children need to learn that they can experience disappointment and survive. They can experience frustration, anger, rage, sadness, boredom, minor pain and a whole host of emotions and come out on the other end.
My job is to help them process these emotions. For some kids, it means holding them. For others, it means backing off while they get it out, and then reconnecting. For all kids, it means modeling how you deal with these emotions and lots of empathy.
I clearly remember a tantrum ds had at about 2 1/2. His candy cane had broken. He wanted a whole candy cane. We had no whole candy cane and broken candy canes cannot be fixed. He raged, he screamed, he demanded that I fix it. I could not comply. Eventually, he collapsed in a heap on my lap and we snuggled. He doesn't remember this (I asked him about the other day when he got a broken candy cane). And he's learned to deal with minor disappointment.
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Thank you for this! It makes a ton of sense and reflects what I was feeling but not certain of. I'm new to this forum. It took awhile before I was comfortable calling my self an AP mom, having never heard of it until well after becoming a mom, but now I'm a big fan. It's so instinctual.
But I'm having some problems with my twins - 2 next week. We try to give them space and independence, and of course comfort and security. We build in time for toddler efforts at dressing, taking care of themselves. We're often rewarded. But sometimes we run into constraints. I can't let them go outside without a coat in the 20 degree cold, but I have to go to work and take them with me. I can't put them to bed without a nappy. We've got a lot of tricks up our sleeves, but occasionally I have to use force. A few times putting a diaper has felt like "diaper rape." The girls seem to forget the struggle immediately, but I feel terrible.
Tantrums I can handle, we get some doozies, but I can either hug, breastfeed or let it take its course. But the use of force really bugs me.
What do you do when all else fails? Can it be AP to physically force a toddler to get dressed?
