Do You Give Your Toddler Whatever They Cry For? - Page 2

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by RheaSilva

I am a proponant of not giving into crying as long as I know the baby is not wet or hungry.

Lonely? Cold? Bored? Missing mommy? Having to pee/poop (which is uncomfortable for many babies and can be eased by being held)?

What exactly would a baby cry about that you wouldn't want to "give into"?

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by lmk1

Sometimes I give my toddler what he wants before he starts crying for it... Like right now I was willing to give him one cookie, but he wanted the box. So I went to the kitchen, took all of the cookies except one out of the box, and gave him the box.

I do this sort of stuff all the time. Does it get easier when they can actually tell you what they want?

[lach]

My theory is that 99.5% of all tantrums are because the toddler is hungry or tired. The tantrum then happens when the child is overstimulated in some way, and this overstimulation is either brought on or exacerbated by being hungry or tired. Even as as adult who knows how to manage your emotions, think of how grumpy you are and how bad the world works when you're hungry or tired.

So no I don't give in to all tantrums, but I do try to think about the root cause of the tantrum and work with that. I can't always just throw her in bed, but if I think that she's going crazy because she's tired, then I'll try to create a calm environment where she can rest even if she can't sleep. If I realize she hasn't eaten recently, or she I know she only picked at her lunch and now it's 4pm and she's lying on the floor kicking and screaming because she can't get her doll to sit up right (or whatever), I'll give her a snack or make a very early dinner.

Sometimes, though, the tantrum is just about testing. She's eaten well, she's napped well, all is good, and suddenly she's screaming and kicking for junk food. In those cases I make sure the environment is safe, provide an easy out (IME toddlers want to save face and are often really happy to take an out that lets them do that), and if nothing works then I'll just walk away. I want to provide a safe, loving environment, but on the other hand I'm not her doormat. Sometimes life sucks and you don't get a cookie. That's the way the world works.

[Gena 22]

Originally Posted by lach

My theory is that 99.5% of all tantrums are because the toddler is hungry or tired.

Absolutely. But in our house, tired happens now and then. And one girl or another doesn't want to be touched even though it's already past bed time and she needs to get in her pajamas. And then the PJs with the little white doggies are in the wash. And she's finally naked, but then the struggle really begins. Then she's in her PJs but is now so spitting and screaming mad she wants nothing to do with mom or dad. No milk, no story, she'll just walk out of the room exhausted.

It's those times I try to be calm, repetitive, soothing and firm. Then once they're finally down to sleep I can go bang my head against the wall and swear I'll never keep them out past bedtime again.

Ah, toddlerhood!

[Paeta16]

You don't want to teach your child that crying is so scary to mom/dad that they will do anything to prevent it. Toddlers and children need to learn that they can experience disappointment and survive. They can experience frustration, anger, rage, sadness, boredom, minor pain and a whole host of emotions and come out on the other end.

My job is to help them process these emotions. For some kids, it means holding them. For others, it means backing off while they get it out, and then reconnecting. For all kids, it means modeling how you deal with these emotions and lots of empathy.

I do not "give into" my toddlers fake or real crying all the time but I recognize that there is definitely a need or DESIRE (often the case with toddlers) that is not being met by me at that moment. Sometimes it requires playful or creative solutions (as a previous poster acknowledged) and sometimes it just requires empathy. Sometimes if it is an angry tantrum, she just needs to be able to get all those pent up emotions out so she can relax. I allow her to do that safely (as much as is possible?!).

Sometimes if the request was simple and I just said No for no good reason, I may change my mind and "give in"...I go with the flow and assess each tantrum on its own merits That being said, there are certainly times when I give myself a time-out b/f I can even deal with the tantrum/crying.

ETA:
Quote:
Originally Posted by RheaSilva
I am a proponant of not giving into crying as long as I know the baby is not wet or hungry.

Lonely? Cold? Bored? Missing mommy? Having to pee/poop (which is uncomfortable for many babies and can be eased by being held)?

What exactly would a baby cry about that you wouldn't want to "give into"?

Ditto. Babies don't cry for no reason. They always cry b/c they NEED something.

[claddaghmom]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

Lonely? Cold? Bored? Missing mommy? Having to pee/poop (which is uncomfortable for many babies and can be eased by being held)?

What exactly would a baby cry about that you wouldn't want to "give into"?

[DevaMajka]

I didn't give ds1 whatever he cried for. But I didn't necessarily NOT give it to him just because he was crying. It all depended on if it was something I was ok with him having, regardless of the crying.
However, sometimes, the crying told me that it was more important to him than I originally thought. So sometimes it did affect my decision.

If I DID change my "no" to a "yes" after he cried, I made sure to explain why I was changing my mind, and why I decided it was ok after all.

If I stuck with my "no" I comforted and offered some alternatives.

I did discuss proper ways of asking for something, and of communicating desires, etc. Once he got older, I started insisting on him asking in a proper way before I would consider giving him his "wants". (Needs always get met)

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by Gena 22

. I can't let them go outside without a coat in the 20 degree cold, but I have to go to work and take them with me. I can't put them to bed without a nappy. We've got a lot of tricks up our sleeves, but occasionally I have to use force. A few times putting a diaper has felt like "diaper rape." The girls seem to forget the struggle immediately, but I feel terrible.

Tantrums I can handle, we get some doozies, but I can either hug, breastfeed or let it take its course. But the use of force really bugs me.

What do you do when all else fails? Can it be AP to physically force a toddler to get dressed?

I think it can be AP to gently help a child physically comply with something they need to do. (I know that there are MDC members who strongly disagree with me, that's fine.) My reasoning is this: toddlers and young preschoolers are still very much physical learners. They learn by doing first and other means second. Therefore, if you've said "feet on the floor" and the child is still standing precariously on the arm of the rocking chair, taking the child and putting them on the floor and repeating "feet stay on the floor" makes perfect sense to me.

Ditto for coats. Toddlers need to experience the cold before they realize they need a coat. Discussion ahead of time may or may not be useful. We have family in Minnesota, and when we visited when dd was a toddler, she refused warm clothing. I let her go outside without a coat. She was outside for less than 30 seconds before she understood the need for coat, hat and mittens. I wouldn't have let her stay out long, but I realized that experiencing the cold was far quicker and more useful. I actually think that 20 degrees is warm enough to step outside without a coat on, as long as it's not a long trip. I'd bring a coat, but I wouldn't force a coat.

I fought clothing battles with my kids as little as possible. My kids went places in pjs. If they didn't get dressed before we left, I plopped them in the car and brought clothes. Dd spent a lot of time without clothes on at home. Even last Saturday she went to music class in a sundress and sandals. It was 40 degrees out. (And she's 5 1/2!)

I did feel bad about diapers and carseats, and yeah, that felt like a lot of force sometimes. I perfected the speed diapering technique and tried to make diapering a time for great interaction with my kids. I've bribed for carseats. But this is one of those things where I'm not willing to let my kids experience the consequences because I, as an adult, can see ahead to the potential difficulties. Dd got horrible diaper rashes and if she wasn't changed, it got worse. I'm not going to drive with a child not in a carseat and sometimes we just needed to go.

[Ruthie's momma]

Originally Posted by LilacMama

I know AP advises always consoling a crying baby to the absolute best of your ability. I don't have to tell you all the reasons, I'm sure you know them by heart!
Is this spilling over into toddler hood though? Are you scared to let your toddler cry (for any reason) for fear of loss of trust/ emotional damage/ brain damage/ undue stress, etc?

In other words, do you have trouble letting your toddler cry about something because of your beliefs about letting babies cry? Is it okay sometimes to let a toddler cry without calming them down? Do you think that your boundaries, responses to a crying toddler is healthy and appropriate? At what point are you creating a little "tyrant" by letting them control you through their outbursts?

I have never really been afraid to let my LO cry. To me, it is not about letting a baby cry or not. Nor is it about having to calm a baby, ASAP. Whether as a wee babe or as a toddler, DD has always had the right to express her emotions (even if I have a hard time hearing my LO cry). Part of my job as a momma has been/is to be present and offer comfort and support (a shoulder to cry on/someone to wipe away the tears). I feel that I am not respecting my child as a human being if I try to prevent or stifle her emotions (not to mention harming her emotional/cognitive development and our parent/child relationship).

Another aspect of my job as a momma is to differentiate between a need and a want. Whereas other babes are more high needs/intense, DD rarely cried. DD's needs were easily met. She was held or worn most of the time, fed on demand, and responded to promptly. As a toddler, DD's emotions are a little bit more varied. Her needs are always met but her wants are only sometimes met. As a result, she may cry or get angry. More notably, she is learning that she can't always get what she wants (a basic part of life). But, she is also learning that momma and daddy will always be there for her even if she gets angry at us. I always acknowledge her feelings, offer comfort (verbal and physical), but do not give in to inappropriate/unsafe wants. I don't feel guilty setting limits for DD. To me, setting limits is just another aspect of being a responsive parent (as is acknowleding my child's emotions and offering support).