brother lost a baby

[floiejo2]

My brother and sister-in-law just lost their 4 1/2 month old baby girl to SIDS a week and a half ago. Needless to say, very unexpected and horrible. We are all just immersed in grief. They also have a 17 month old little boy. I went to be with them the day it happened and stayed for 3 days to just be there and helped with the arrangements. Then went back for a couple days around the funeral. Then they came and stayed with me for a few days. I talk to him on a daily basis. We were not particularly close before, we got along fine, just not as close as I've always wanted to be. He's told my mom that everything I say to him helps a lot, supposedly they both look up to me as a mother and like how I am with my own children. Mostly we talk about how we are with our children, what mistakes we've made, (very important to him right now to know that we're not perfect) other things completely unrelated (distraction).

I've offered everything I can think that they may need, to talk, scream, yell, cry, be happy, if they need a break from parenting, if they need their house cleaned, meals cooked (they got a lot of meals)... Please tell me what else I can be doing, what things can I say and talk about to help? I know they need to talk about lots of different things, I just don't want to say the wrong thing or make matters worse ever. We all loved her so much and this is the worst thing that can happen in life to a parent. I feel sooo sooo bad for them and am so sad myself. I just want to do something to help....

[~Boudicca~]

Sounds like you are doing great so far, mama. All you can really do is be there to listen to them and be a shoulder to cry on. They are so lucky to have you.

I am so sorry for your family's loss. How awful

[momtoS]

So sorry for your family's loss. Are you taking care of yourself too? Sounds like you are doing everything possible for your brother's family.

How heartbreaking....

A friend of mine lost her son just before his first birthday and I bought a beautiful memorial type necklace from www.labelledame.com. Prehaps later on you could purchase something like this?

HUGS to you.

[lovermont]

I am also so sorry. This is so devastating.
Like pp I agree that you are doing everything you can, and it sounds like it is much appreciated.
I think it's great that you mentioned giving them space to laugh too when right now they may not feel like they should.
The only other thought I have - which you may already be doing - is maybe while shouldering their grief also be clear that you are also greiving. I'm not sure, having never been in a similar situation but I wonder if that would affirm for them their own feelings of greif and strengthen the knowledge that they can come to you and rant, rave, scream, cry, etc. etc because you get it, at least in part, what this loss is for them.

[Cheshire]

I'm so sorry for your family. As a parent who has lost a newborn I would add to gently suggest a support group or individual counseling when the shock has worn off. Sometime between three and six months after the loss, when they feel like they might be getting their feet under them just a little bit, it seems to all come rushing back just like it felt when it first happened. I've heard many families experience this and knowing it was coming helped us when it did.

If they are open to it they might find a lot of comfort in sharing their story and just getting it out there.

Sounds like you are doing a great job.

I know before our son died I tried to empathize with others who lost children. I used to think "I can't imagine." Well, I couldn't. I tried before but until it happened to me I didn't understand the depth and how primal the grief is. They are in for a long journey and they will come out the other side but they will never be the same again.

Forgive them when they get angry, especially if they direct it at the ones they love. Tell them there are no words for comfort but that you are on the journey with them. Talk about their daughter, say her name and don't let them feel like they can't talk about her as the years pass (doesn't sound like you'd do this but some family members do). Remember her birthday and death day. Call them and send a note just to let them know you miss her and are thinking of them.

Tell them as they get ready to return to the "real" world to be gentle with each other and themselves. I told my friends I would attend get-togethers but if before I left the house or when I arrived I felt sad I would leave and it wasn't a reflection on them. They understood and it was okay because I let them know ahead of time. Tell them to let others know what they need - people in our lives can't guess.

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. Prayers of comfort for you all.

[Sierra]

I am so sorry to hear of this loss.