Eating issues, food issues, not sure what to do (long)

[Sharon, RN]

I'm not quite sure if this is the right place, if not, please feel free to move.

Here's the short version:

I'm overweight. I'm sure some of it is hereditary, but I think alot of it is from my childhood. We were very poor, and often times my parents didn't really know when our next meal was coming from, and they would STUFF us. I have a very hard time figuring out when I'm "full." I actually did very well and worked on portion control during this last pregnancy (easy since the baby took up so much room), and although I was terribly sick during the first half of it, I managed to gain only like 15 pounds or so and I've lost it all pp and then a little more. However, since the baby is out of my belly (haha obviously), I know my portion control is going all to crap again. Additionally, I'm sure I have some emotional eating issues, too. Not terrible, but I'm sure it's a component.

So, DS#1 is 10YO. I EBF him until about 1 YO, and continued to BF until he was 3. I was always extra careful about letting him control his own eating- no forcing him to finish his plate, not using treats as a reward, etc. He was a skinny minny until about age 8 1/2 or so. While he has not put on a massive amount of weight, the distribution worries me, as it's all around his middle.

Things changed when my DH (his stepfather) moved in. DH would encourage him to finish his plate, etc. Then I compounded the problem- not really encouraging DS to be active, getting really lazy about our food intake (lots of crappy food, fast food, etc). DH worked out of town for about a year, and I was still working, so I began letting DS play video games, because I often had to sleep. Using treats as a reward, etc. We homeschooled for a couple of years, but I didn't have him in any sports. None of this excuses me letting this go, I just wanted to give some background.

So, now, we are trying to back-pedal, as we obviously don't want DS to have life-long problems with his weight. And I think DH and I are screwing it all up, and we aren't even agreeing on alot of things.

FTR, DH is a thin Asian-American, but does not have a typical Asian diet. He was born and grew up here in the south. However, since I've been "big" since puberty, I think I have a better idea of what DS is going through.

My DH wants to try to keep DS from over-eating, which is fine, but I don't know (and I don't think DS knows) when he's over-eating or really hungry, as he's starting puberty, and I'm sure his caloric needs are going up.

I started cooking almost all of our meals, and working to move towards a whole foods approach. I think trying to really restrict food will only lead to more issues, possibly hoarding/bingeing, and we should focus on offering healthy food and encouraging more physical exercise. (He's expressed an interest in soccer, so I'm going to sign him up on 2/1.) But I don't know how to teach him how to listen to his own hunger cues, as mine are all out of whack and we screwed his up.

Our disagreement is making it worse, because I know as my DH tries to restrict (with good intentions), I'm afraid going to give him more or extra to compensate, which is just as bad.

Well, if you got this far, THANK YOU. Any ideas or help will be appreciated.

[Linda on the move]

It sounds like there are several issues.

First, you guys have had some bad habits as a family and now what to fix them. I think that's normal. We all sort out with high ideals, but life gets in the way. By the time we make it to the preteen/teen phase, we've all had to come to grips with the fact we aren't perfect!

Second, you son has been inactive and eaten too much. I think it's great that he's about to start soccer!

Third, you guys want to clean up your eating. While you and your DH agree on that, you are butting heads on the details. It sounds like both you and your DH have poor eating habits and that what is going on with your son is a trickle down. I think that trying to change your son without changing yourself will only lead to power struggles. Is your DH willing to get rid of all chips, candy, etc and just not have that stuff in the house? Availablity is a big part of the issue.

You are right that your son's food needs are very high, but if he fills up on foods that are nutrious and provide a lot of bulk for the calories, it will really help. A balanced diet of fruits and vegies, diary, whole grains, lean meat, and healthy oils is best. Missing nutrients can cause us to continue feeling hungry.

It sounds like getting in touch with your hunger signals is something that you and your son could work on together. Start by talking to him about it and working on it yourself. You can even make a little chart marking how hungry you are at different times of the day.

Imagine that 0 is starving and 10 is so stuffed you can't move, the goal is to try to stay in the middle range -- not dropping down to much less than 4 or eating much past 6. Eating every few hours is healthier than eating seldom. Charting hunger signals and aiming for "comfortable" rather than "full" can help with healthy weight without getting hung up on calories.

BTW, I'm a WW lifetime member maintaining a 70 pound loss. My DH has lost 60 pounds and it still losing. One of our kids is chubby because of our earlier bad habits. We eat mostly healthy food at home and encourage activity, but we don't force Dd to be "on a diet." We just model good behavoir, serve light/healthy food, and encourage activity.

[ollyoxenfree]

I'm not entirely clear on whether your DH is trying to restrict all food - i.e. keep your ds on a tight, low calorie diet - or wants to restrict the junk food. You seem to recognize that trying to restrict food generally just sets up an unhealthy relationship with food and a yo-yo kind of weight loss/gain. If it's a junk food restriction, perhaps it would help to think in terms of replacing (with delicious healthy food) rather than restricting.

Since your ds is 10 y.o, he's at a great age to get into the kitchen and start cooking too. You wrote that you are now cooking most of the meals. Can you make healthy cooking and eating a fun family activity? As a multi-cultural family, you can start with exploring the healthy foods from your family heritage. If you have Asian markets nearby, you can research the foods first, make an outing to buy them and then prepare the meals. Eating with chopsticks is a great way to slow down and enjoy your meal. If you're not fond of Asian food, then you can do the same with North American cuisine. You will all develop a better relationship with food.

[Sharon, RN]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

It sounds like there are several issues.

Third, you guys want to clean up your eating. While you and your DH agree on that, you are butting heads on the details. It sounds like both you and your DH have poor eating habits and that what is going on with your son is a trickle down. I think that trying to change your son without changing yourself will only lead to power struggles. Is your DH willing to get rid of all chips, candy, etc and just not have that stuff in the house? Availablity is a big part of the issue.

BTW, I'm a WW lifetime member maintaining a 70 pound loss. My DH has lost 60 pounds and it still losing. One of our kids is chubby because of our earlier bad habits. We eat mostly healthy food at home and encourage activity, but we don't force Dd to be "on a diet." We just model good behavoir, serve light/healthy food, and encourage activity.

Linda, that is fabulous! Congratulations on all your hard work!

My dh and I have so many issues that, well, our issues have their own issues!

I do most of the grocery shopping, and I don't generally buy snack foods. I will buy tortilla chips, but we only have them if we do like nachos as part of a meal, with quesadillas or something. That may not be good, I just mean we don't have food we can mindlessly snack on, usually. No candy, donuts, things like that. However, as I'm starting to learn how to cook, I do like baking, so I am able (and I do) make cookies and simple things like that. And I try to keep fruit easily accessible, so we'll all be inspired to grab that "on the go."

And, yes, we need to model better behavior. I had this talk with dh the other night, and he was all irritated, but he'll get over it.

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree

I'm not entirely clear on whether your DH is trying to restrict all food - i.e. keep your ds on a tight, low calorie diet - or wants to restrict the junk food. You seem to recognize that trying to restrict food generally just sets up an unhealthy relationship with food and a yo-yo kind of weight loss/gain. If it's a junk food restriction, perhaps it would help to think in terms of replacing (with delicious healthy food) rather than restricting.

He wants to restrict like 2nd helpings @ dinner, or the # of snacks DS has in the day (even if it's healthy), which I can understand, but I have a hard time denying DS food. Is it just me, or is he really still hungry? I don't know how to separate my emotional issues around food (growing up poor, often being hungry) with my DS true food needs.

Maybe there is no easy answer.

Thanks so much for your responses!

[Linda on the move]

I don't care for most dieting books, but I do like Volumetrics.

http://www.volumetricseatingplan.com/inthemedia.html

It's about how different foods make us feel more/or less full for how many calories they pack. They key to losing and then maintaining a healthy weight is to get way from foods that don't make us feel full and instead eat things that help us feel full. It's a good book, and could help you get yourself and your family on the right track.

Teen age boys need a TON of food. On WW, teenage boys get the max. number of points that anyone gets on the plan -- about twice as much food as I could eat and lose weight. It's astounding. I think that trying to limit how much a teen boy is eating without working with a doctor is a VERY bad idea. (teenagers must be under a dr.'s care to do WW).

I will buy tortilla chips, but we only have them if we do like nachos as part of a meal, with quesadillas or something. That may not be good, I just mean we don't have food we can mindlessly snack on, usually. No candy, donuts, things like that. However, as I'm starting to learn how to cook, I do like baking, so I am able (and I do) make cookies and simple things like that.

I mean this kindly, but you have a lot to learn about food! Tortilla chips and quesadillas is not a meal I can eat and maintain my weight. It's really high in fat. Baking cookies is not how to start cooking to lose weight by eating at home.

Avoid white flour the same way you avoid sugar. It hits your body pretty much the same way.

Our favorite munchie is 94% FF microwave popcorn, topped with a teaspoon of olive oil and some parmesan cheese, or sugar free applesauce.