Would you let your toddler handle a stick lighter?

[pokeyrin]

edited for privacy

Edited by pokeyrin - 12/1/10 at 5:11pm

[HeliMom]

To me Hell yes that's crazy! The lighter part at least. The ripping up stuff I'd let slide, especially if it was your MIL's flowers. But the lighter? No that has to be taken seriously.

Perhaps you can address it by explaining that even though you have confidence that your MIL wouldn't let your DD hurt herself with it (don't lie and say this if you don't), if she identifies it as a toy she will pick it up and play with it during other situations where she may be less supervised, say at a friends house? Or when being babysat by a non relative. I'd also let her know that burns are one to the top 10 injures to babies in that age range. And honestly, if need be show her a photo.

Fire is very serious and can get out of control fast.

As far as the defensive thing, please try to understand that for so many moms out there have immdiate internalized mom guilt if someone starts parenting a different way than they did. Not that it's your fault by any means, but just be sensitive about how you explain things. Make sure she knows that her parenting was the best she could have done with her kids with the knowledge she had at the time. What you explained about the cellphone tells me that she does want to do good by your DD. Also if she does soemthing that you ldo approve of with your daughter, tell her. Positive reinforcement is important at any age IMO.

[lifeguard]

Sorry - but it sounds to me like your dh already handled it.

[mamazee]

Yeah, I agree it's a problem, but it sounds like your dh already handled it.

[pokeyrin]

Yes DH did handle this situation and he did it well. I'm still concerned about MIL's judgement regarding these types of things and if it's a stick lighter today, what will DD be playing with tomorrow?

After DH gave her his .02 cents MIL still did not "get it" and was rolling her eyes at him. While she doesn't babysit often, I'm at the point where I don't want DD at their house (it's not baby friendly at all) and only have MIL come and spend time with DD at our house in a more controlled environment.

My other issue is how she brushes us off when we say we don't want DD to have or play with something and I feel it's crossing boundaries.

[FreeRangeMama]

I think you are overreacting a bit. It is pretty common for first time parents, you are trying to find YOUR way of doing things which in undoubtedly different from the way MIL did things. But she is a mother too (she raised your DH after all) and constantly correcting her probably feels disrespectful to her. By telling her how she is always doing things wrong she may be feeling like you are criticizing her ability to be a good Grandmother.

Perhaps if you feel she isn't careful enough you or dh could just be sure to be around to redirect as necessary (without being unnecessarily critical toward your MIL and FIL). She will likely be more responsive to following your lead than to changing because you or dh have told her she is doing it 'wrong'.

Good luck, it is hard to set boundaries with your children and navigate grandparent territory early on in your parenting journey. It is even harder to do it in a way that leaves EVERYONE feeling respected.

[mamazee]

If you don't think she's a safe babysitter, don't let her babysit. But I wouldn't go after everything she does. The cell phone, for instance, is not that big a deal IMO. If you were more relaxed about smaller issues and gave her a bit of space to be a grandma, she might listen to you more.

[Jessy1019]

Originally Posted by mamazee

If you don't think she's a safe babysitter, don't let her babysit. But I wouldn't go after everything she does. The cell phone, for instance, is not that big a deal IMO. If you were more relaxed about smaller issues and gave her a bit of space to be a grandma, she might listen to you more.

I agree.

I wouldn't freak out about the lighter (especially not if it's the kind I'm picturing, that you have to work hard to activate even as an adult), and both my kids played with cell phones when they were little like that.

Then again, I help my son light matches when he wants to try them because I'd rather he know he can ask me and get help to do something like that than try to do it on his own because we tell him no about it.

[Trinitty]

Sounds like your DH handled it, I would leave it.

The lighter, not so great, but I would try to not make too big a deal out of it.... sounds like he handled it.

Try to balance as much as possible. Sit-downs are heavy.

I totally agree with you on the cell phone thing. I think it is the biggest blind spot / elephant in the room of our age. I don't keep them anywhere near DD, and the one I must have for work (Blackberry) is in a purse, deep in a closet. The radiation breaks down DNA strands, not something anyone should have near them, let alone hold against the brain.

Trin.

[TiredX2]

Moved to Toddlers

[pokeyrin]

Thank you for having me take a step back to look at the situation and how I am reacting to it. Perhaps it's just a build up, I have posted here before on this issue and got a lot of great advice which I took to heart and I stepped back and let go a lot.

For the most part I have a good relationship with my MIL and she is a wonderful grandmother, but there is a history of MIL not respecting boundaries at all and always wanting doing things her way regardless of what anyone says or how they feel. Also, I am extremely careful in how I speak with MIL and I'm always very respectful. My usual course of action in any situation is to try to redirect what's going on. Whether I replace the item with a toy or distract DD, but MIL will always just hand her back whatever we take away. How DH talks to his Mom is a whole different story, he basically loses his patience and gets curt, so he usually avoids conversations with her.

FIL has also made some comments to MIL about how she freely gives DD whatever she wants and the fact that she lets DD break other people's things. The other thing both DH and I have noticed is that DD now knows that she operates under a completely different set of rules when MIL is around and pretty much freaks out whenever she doesn't get her way.

We rarely ask MIL to babysit and actually prefer not to have her, but she often wants to see and spend time with DD and we're not going to deny her that. Usually we try to work it out so it's only done in our home in a more controlled environment. I guess after last night I was feeling that perhaps I needed to take her aside and have a heart to heart with MIL (of course I would put it all on myself) but I'm at a loss of how to approach the situation.

[pokeyrin]

Originally Posted by Trinitty

Sounds like your DH handled it, I would leave it.

The lighter, not so great, but I would try to not make too big a deal out of it.... sounds like he handled it.

Try to balance as much as possible. Sit-downs are heavy.

I totally agree with you on the cell phone thing. I think it is the biggest blind spot / elephant in the room of our age. I don't keep them anywhere near DD, and the one I must have for work (Blackberry) is in a purse, deep in a closet. The radiation breaks down DNA strands, not something anyone should have near them, let alone hold against the brain.

Trin.

Thanks Trin, cell phones are a big deal in our house and DH basically had to yell at his Mom to get his point through about that. Both DH and I get headaches if we're on the phone too long and DD just loves chewing on them when she gets her hands on one which is just gross.

I know first hand that little kids can accidentally figure out how to work any lighter. When my half-brother was 5 he burned down the apartment complex with a child-proof lighter, luckily no one was killed or seriously hurt but my step-mom and Dad lost almost everything.

[WorldsBestMom]

No, No noway baby shouldn't touch those things. You just have to try and keep certain things out of the reach of toddlers, they are so mischievous.

[sapphire_chan]

Yes. Lina's had several chances. She squeezes the trigger and looks disappointed that she can't make "hot" appear like I do. Mind you, she's on my lap with me watching the whole time, not allowed to just wander around.

As for cell phones, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/0..._n_414322.html and I have to wonder if earlier findings of problems were with older cell phones with bulkier batteries.

[kdtmom2be]

Tools are not toys. When a child is old enough then tools can be used safely in a "hand over hand" manner but NO she should not be "playing" with a lighter.

We deal with a similar situation around here once in a while and I usually redirect DD with something along the lines of "Oh, we don't play with such and such, that's not a toy" in a loud enough voice for the intended person to hear. If it's serious enough I'll even add "Even if someone tries to give it to you, you just say no thank you and go find one of YOUR toys to play with." Usually that gets the point across without having a blow-out, empowers my kid and defuses the situation. It is a little passive-aggressive probably, but not as much as some other angles!

[organicpapayamama]

Originally Posted by FreeRangeMama

I think you are overreacting a bit. It is pretty common for first time parents, you are trying to find YOUR way of doing things which in undoubtedly different from the way MIL did things. But she is a mother too (she raised your DH after all) and constantly correcting her probably feels disrespectful to her. By telling her how she is always doing things wrong she may be feeling like you are criticizing her ability to be a good Grandmother.

while I believe the above to be true as a general statement.... if it came down to having my child play with something hazardous I would certainly not consider that overreacting. I think the OP has a right to be concerned about playing with a lighter. I think even CPS would have an issue with it.

[FreeRangeMama]

while I believe the above to be true as a general statement.... if it came down to having my child play with something hazardous I would certainly not consider that overreacting. I think the OP has a right to be concerned about playing with a lighter. I think even CPS would have an issue with it.

Obviously lighters aren't a good child's toy That is why I said this:

Perhaps if you feel she isn't careful enough you or dh could just be sure to be around to redirect as necessary (without being unnecessarily critical toward your MIL and FIL). She will likely be more responsive to following your lead than to changing because you or dh have told her she is doing it 'wrong'.

I personally wouldn't leave my child unsupervised with someone like the OP's MIL, I would just stay close and redirect my child as necessary. That doesn't mean it needs to be made into a power struggle, that will probably lead to more issues as the MIL likely feels disrespected. Also, it is important to lead or children by our example, modeling respect for our own parents (while maintaining our boundaries) will teach them not only how to interact with their grandparents, but also how to interact with us. Teaching our children these things are as important as safety. Both should be taken into consideration.

If someone isn't safe you supervise, but respectfully so.

[jocelyndale]

I think your DH handled it just fine, but I don't think you're overreacting. I wouldn't let my toddler play with a lighter, though I'm not opposed to teaching kids how to respect fire.

Of course, this comes on the heels of my kid choosing red and orange crayons to color the walls over the last week. Large jagged zigzags, up and down. Finally, DH asked him what he was drawing.

Fire.

[pokeyrin]

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Edited by pokeyrin - 12/1/10 at 5:28pm