Another week and I'm still pregnant. *sigh*.
Last night I cut my toxic parents out of my life, at least for the time being. It was a 4 minute telephone conversation...painful, but necessary. It went about as well as could be expected. It's super lonely now, but at least I don't have to feel that feeling of self-loathing in my gut everytime the phone rings.
dd has been asking to see the toxic in-laws. I had planned for them to be out of the picture until after the birth as well but now I'm having second thoughts. I want for her to be able to see her grandparents, but being close to them and all of their false promises (that I always have to undo for the kids down the line) just upsets me and doesn't seem worth it in the long run...but I know the kids want some love and reassurance from family right now. It's just such a shame that I can't give it to them.
So, the house is really quiet. It's a really small house. Lots of storms and cold so it's hard to get out much right now, also because the BH just get so intense and it's too much for me to walk very much with the two littles and keep them out of the street and whatnot while so pregnant and contracting. So we mostly just sit at home. I loose my temper a lot. I'm uncomfortable. I keep apologizing to my kids and trying not to yell (I'm NOT a yeller...at least not at my kids). I know they are bored being at home...with a depressed mom who is working through all of these issues...but I guess it will get better soon.
In the meanwhile, I cry at night. Dh tries to console me. Tonight we have a babysitter coming over so dh and I can go out to dinner. I'm going to try to get motivated to cook some more and freeze some more food...since I really AM going to be on my own now.
We got our official letter yesterday that we have until the 1st of May to decide whether or not we will live in a 45 sq. meter caravan in our settlement. If we reject the offer we will need to move at the end of June. Now with all of the recent developments it seems that going back to the USA is no longer the obvious option. It seems that without the help from my parents there will be lots of additional expense and heartache. So we will need to sort out what we are going to do...seems like a waste of the past 4 months of forwarding records, transfer appeals, testing, long distance phone calls looking for work, etc... but I guess it's better that we find out about this now than when we are already there. Thank G-d.
So, I'm trying to be at peace with the fact that everythign is up in the air until after the baby is born because now is not the time to make any decisions about anything. Now is the time to focus on the little one and on our immediate growing family and the needs of my two other kids and myself and my husband and somehow things will get better.
It's like at the moment of a big event in my life, suddenly I'm a drama magnet for our two families.
Anyways, I'm trying to be at peace with being pregnant for a while longer...it looks like it's not going to happen anytime soon. So, I guess it's an excersize in patience with my other kids...and time to do more cooking and time to try and reconnect with the baby that I've neglected this past month while dealing with all the drama.