diffusing fits in a 2.5 year old..

[COgirl19]

My DD is 2 years and will be 3 in April. She has always been a happy easy going kid. Recently however, she has started having an explosive temper. Once she get's set off it is almost impossible to soothe her. It usually happens when (of course) we ask her to do something she doesn't want to do. It can be eating a piece of vegetable, putting on her pants, or even just NOT touching a hot stove. She will start screaming and yelling at us, telling us NO! Very adamant and defiant. We try to give her choices, but at times we just HAVE to get in the car, or it's a matter of her safety. What's worse it seems impossible to soothe her. Any idea on how to diffuse these situations?

[lindsayjean]

Sounds like my DD who will be 3 in Feb, and it's been going on with us for quite some time now. It is getting better then it was though. I try to always "look for yes" as in... WHY am I saying no... kind of a "choose your battles" thing. Obviously the hot stove battle is much more important than the eating your vegetables battle. I find if you offer only healthy choices and stay away from the junk they will eat what they need. Or, we'll be playful about it like "lets crunch that carrot together... okay let's both get a carrot, read? 1...2...3... CRUNCH!" Nevertheless, we still have PLENTY of tantrums and screaming fits here, but they have lessened some when I started being more playful and choosing my battles.

Really, I don't know if you can actually stop a tantrum, you kind of have to let it run it's course. At 2.5 my DD wanted to sit in her room by herself until she felt better (we called it a 'breather' and I'd ask her if she needed a breather). She would sit in there for a while and come out a different kid. It was amazing. Now she wants nothing to do with sitting by herself, she just wants me to pick her up and go get a kleenex with her to wipe her tears... but not until she is done getting out all the emotional overspill out. I just make sure I'm close and ready when she needs me and let her know that I understand. She has taken to SCREAMING a lot and I try to tell her that it's okay to be sad/angry/mad/frustrated, but it's not okay to hit/scream in my face/etc. So we've been working on different ways of handling it.... but at 2/3 I'm not sure they'll be able to actually have the impulse control to remember that in the heat of things most of the time, but I still do it

A wise AP mama once told me that kids have 10% impulse control per year, so your daughter has less than 30%.... so she is going to act impulsively a LOT of the time, and it's just our job to be gentle and understanding and keep her out of harm during it.

Good luck!! It's sure not easy!

[Lelasmola]

I'm in a similar place and I feel for you.

So, in my recent endeavors to discover why my easy going 2.5 y.o. DS (who will be 3 in May) has been hitting, crying, aggressive, and much more I think I have found some interesting theories -- for him, it seems to be about feeling helpless. We had recently gone through some changes (night weaning is one of them) and I think it has been hard on him.

Re-reading Naomi Aldort's Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves has been a big help to me. In addition to the night weaning which I think made him feel powerless, I realized I was being too annoying and controlling over little stuff (not safety issues). And for his tantrums, I've stopped trying to console him, but just listening to him and trying to show him that I hear what his upset is instead of denying it or trying to make it better. It's awesome to see how much more quickly he can move through some of the small tantrums when I just acknowledge what they're about.

And the power games are really helping him too. His current favorite is that he'll ask me to type on the computer (actually the laundry hamper that he likes to pretend is a computer), so I'll say "I have an important email to write, okay? Please let me just do this." And he'll walk up and say "I'm deleting it!" and press the pretend delete button. I say "OH NO!" very dramatically and go on and on about how important it was. Then we do it again and again and again. Same with building towers and him knocking them down, etc.

For me, I just hadn't realized quite how uptight I guess I had gotten about enforcing some unnecessary rules and not getting as into his play as I should.

I highly recommend the book, even though it doesn't necessarily give a straight answer on what to do when your child is hitting or being defiant, it has given me a lot to think about and has definitely helped me with the tantrums and realizing that they are important and serving a purpose.

[marziechar]

We go through tantrums of course, but recently we've been successful at diffusing them with talks about using words, taking a deep breath and doing the same ourselves....

[ann_of_loxley]

I really like what Lela wrote and completely agree. I also found that book really helpful - and more so when my son was near three years of age (for some odd reason! lol).

Sometimes you just can not difuse a 'tantrum' - and I personally believe you shouldn't. Children need to feel free to express their feelings (and they just need to get their feelings out instead of bottling them up!) even the (society viewed) 'bad' ones. Show your child you care by listening (just as much as you value a friend who listend when you are feeling down) - how your child needs you to listen can vary, Aldorts book does talk about this...sometimes it means active listening or passive listening, eye contact, no eye contact, etc - and then perhaps talk about it (in an age appropritate way). If your child shows their feelings in inappropirate ways (such as hitting you for example) you can help your child learn how to get that feeling out in a more appropriate way (such as hitting a pillow instead of you! lol). Once they have more words to use and can express themselves better verbally, this just becomes second nature and flows much better (we are nearly there now at 4!) ...but it takes practice getting there.

One other suggestion is to try and avoid them by turning a 'negative' phrase into a 'positive' one...so tell your child what to do instead of what not to do...to 'do' instead of the 'don't'...because sometimes simply saying 'don't' can stop them listening any further right then and there and thats it - you've lost them then! lol Sometimes simply rephrasing what we say can prevent a big meltdown. And personally, I just feel more a positive person if I am not always chasing after my son with 'no' and 'don't' all day long! hehe

[crittersmum]

Wow! Some wonderful, empathic responses, mamas!

[COgirl19]

Thanks so much for all the advice mamas. I think we will definitely try positive phrases and just try to listen to her more instead of getting upset myself which I know doesn't help at all. Thanks mamas! I guess this seems pretty common at 2.5 from hearing your experiences.

[WorldsBestMom]

Wow I have experienced little tantrums but not as serious as what you guys stated. Well hopefully the child will grow out of it but it has to be controlled, No means No. It wouldn't be pretty when the child becomes older (teenager) and does not obey when you speak to him/her you will have some serious problems then. Sometimes those same temper tantrums will even embarrass you in-front of people.

[possum]

It helps a lot when I acknowledge my son's feelings and wishes - sometimes over, and over as he slowly simmers down. It can feel ridiculous repeating, "You really, really wanted to jump off the couch. You really wanted to jump by yourself from up high. You really wanted to jump." But it almost always works to help him calm down.

[mamazee]

Temper tantrums are normal and not in and of themselves a problem. They are not "bad behavior". They are a developmental stage that children learn through. They learn about emotions, which are scary for kids, and about how unconditional love survives very strong emotions, and about futility - that sometimes we simply can't have what we want.

The point of temper tantrums is not to stop them, but to survive them, and to help the children learn through them in a positive way, while keeping their trust in you.

So what I did, and what I will do again, is to empathize, and wait it out, and give love. My 7-year-old (almost 8 now) doesn't tantrum anymore, and hasn't for a long time. They do outgrow it when they've learned what they have to learn.

[Lelasmola]

Originally Posted by possum

It helps a lot when I acknowledge my son's feelings and wishes - sometimes over, and over as he slowly simmers down. It can feel ridiculous repeating, "You really, really wanted to jump off the couch. You really wanted to jump by yourself from up high. You really wanted to jump." But it almost always works to help him calm down.

That's exactly what I meant by acknowledging it. Great example. Thanks!

[Paeta16]

I am going through the same thing with my DD who will be 3 in April. The tantrums just seem to be escalating in intensity to the point that sometimes it is hard to keep her safe. For instance the other day she just threw herself off of my lap in the midst of a tantrum and today she banged her head off of the floor ...twice

It is hard to diffuse them once she gets going and yelling NO to everything I suggest or even sometimes when I empathize with how tough things can be for her. Sometimes playful parenting works, sometimes she just needs to work it out on her own.

I'll definitely be reading along for better suggestions!

[COgirl19]

all this advice has been really helpful mommas. I do think it is important to establish that sometimes no means NO as a momma stated above. She has to learn at some point she can't have everything she wants (neither can I!). However, acknowledging her feelings and giving her choices of what she CAN do has helped. another thing that has helped a lot I think is cutting back her sugar intake. The past few weeks the grandparents who I love dearly have been sending lots of "treats". We put those away and I have been insisting on her having healthy snacks that she still likes such as fruit, cheerios and cheese and she has calmed down a good bit. Am going to request that the grandparents stop streaming in the sugar as well. I know it's a phase and she will have more but this has been great encouragement. One more quick question...i am pregnant, only about 11 weeks or so. We have been talking about having another baby with her but I am not sure how much she can really understand about it since not a whole lot has actually changed yet. But could this still be a reason for acting out?

[Pookietooth]

Validating feelings, making sure they are getting enough sleep, and trying some creative problem solving help. Also, it's important for them to get out and about, especially being able to climb a lot.

[starlein26]

Man, I commiserate. I've resorted to giving myself AMPLE time for some defiance behavior so that I don't add to it my own impatience. Then what I do is give her a choice to do expected behavior in X amount of time and I let her choose the amount of time. When that time arrives, of course we're back to NO, so I tell her that now she has a choice of doing it on her own, which means she will be happy or that I will have to help her with my hands on her body which might make her angry, and lo and behold, she always chooses on her own and off we go. I also remind her that some days she can choose lots of things and other days are hard for her because she can't choose as many things and I apologize to her for that difficulty.