comment- how would you handle this?

[Softmama]

I am part of a carpool with a mom I don't know that well. I know her through mutual friends. She told me once that she doesn't understand the "ups and downs" marriges have and that maybe she's just really lucky but they've never had a "down" in all their 15 years together. that is the sum total of what I know about her marriage. I've never met her husband.

I was driving my kids (ages 4, 6, 8) and her kid aged 8 when I overheard the child telling my kids that his parents were arguing the other day, pushing each other, and then his dad pushed his mom to the ground "on purpose!!".

In our house the grownups don't hit or push at all. My kids expressed surprise but then someone yelled that their fries were hot and the conversation shifted to their food.

I didn't say anything at all. Just kept driving and let them move on to their food convo.

I have not brought it up with my kids yet.

What would you do?

[betsyj]

I wouldn't bring it up again unless my kids did first.

I wouldn't say a word to the other Mom either. Kids can misinterpret things very easily. They see their parents argue and worry they will get a divorce ya know? Maybe it was play wrestling and maybe it wasn't. But, I don't see anyway of bringing that subject up gracefully.

[GalateaDunkel]

If she went out of her way to tell a casual acquaintance that she has a perfect marriage she may be lying to compensate for the truth. That is a classic sign of abuse actually. Nobody has a perfect marriage so why would someone try to claim that? Then you have the kid reporting abuse... no way that's a coincidence. I really doubt it was "play wrestling".

If you want to consider getting involved, get to know the mom better. Leave the kids out of it.

[pauletoy]

I would ignore the comment and mind my own business. The child could have misunderstood the argument.

[elmh23]

I would ignore it unless your kids ask. And I would say nothing to the child or mother.

[Drummer's Wife]

I agree. Don't bring it up with your kids (unless they do) and don't say anything to the other mom.

[momo7]

I wouldn't bring it up at all. Sometimes children see things that their parents do and think it is one thing when in reality it is something totally different.

[ktmeyer]

I would not ignore it regarding my own children. They heard something shocking, and you need to acknoledge that, not just assume they will forget they heard it! I'd tell my kids, in a casual way, that you heard what so and so said about her dad pushing her mom. That the child may have been mistaken, and you hope so. Then explain that pushing is NOT ok, and that although there are some husbands that push or hit their wives, just like there are kids that hit other kids, it is not ok. No one deserves to be hit.

I think this is a valuable learning opportunity for your kids, for you to reinforce that they should never let anyone hit them.

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by ktmeyer

I would not ignore it regarding my own children. They heard something shocking, and you need to acknoledge that, not just assume they will forget they heard it! I'd tell my kids, in a casual way, that you heard what so and so said about her dad pushing her mom. That the child may have been mistaken, and you hope so. Then explain that pushing is NOT ok, and that although there are some husbands that push or hit their wives, just like there are kids that hit other kids, it is not ok. No one deserves to be hit.

I think this is a valuable learning opportunity for your kids, for you to reinforce that they should never let anyone hit them.

I agree with this. I wouldn't want my child to think that this is something to ignore because that makes it seem normal and okay. Domestic violence should not be normalized or accepted.

[*bejeweled*]

Originally Posted by elmh23

I would ignore it unless your kids ask. And I would say nothing to the child or mother.

[lach]

I would be concerned, but I don't think you can call the police or anything on this sort of testimony.

I would try to talk about it with the 8 year old, at least. Maybe the 6 year old. But I would try to do it as naturally as possible: try to work it into a conversation instead of some serious sit-down lecture. I would say that even best friends and spouses fight sometimes, and that's not okay. And that sometimes when you're angry you do things that you regret. And that hitting or pushing is never, every okay. And that you're sure Mr. Soandso is very sorry.

And I would also try to gently request that if your 8 year old hears more similar stories, that he tells you. And if you do sense a larger pattern, then I would try to do something.

[daytripper75]

Invite that mom out for coffee. Don't bring anything up, just be a friend.

[SilverFish]

woah! i would NOT ignore a comment like that to my kids! i don't know if you can really say anything to the other mom or to her kids, but i would definitely discuss it with your own kids. no need to make a big production, but like a PP said, talk about how adults get mad and need to fight sometimes, but hitting or pushing is always bad. and i would say that if the other kid tells them something like that again, you would like to know about it. i think it's really important that kids get the right idea about how adults should and shouldn't interact when they're upset, and also to make sure they know that if you and your husband have a fight, it's a totally different thing than one of you hitting or pushing the other... lots of kids really stress about stuff like that, especially if they're hearing stories from other kids about how their parents fight.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Originally Posted by ktmeyer

I would not ignore it regarding my own children. They heard something shocking, and you need to acknoledge that, not just assume they will forget they heard it! I'd tell my kids, in a casual way, that you heard what so and so said about her dad pushing her mom. That the child may have been mistaken, and you hope so. Then explain that pushing is NOT ok, and that although there are some husbands that push or hit their wives, just like there are kids that hit other kids, it is not ok. No one deserves to be hit.

I think this is a valuable learning opportunity for your kids, for you to reinforce that they should never let anyone hit them.

I want to second this response. I think its perfect in every way.

I am actually pretty surprised at the number of ignore it responses.

[Youngfrankenstein]

Originally Posted by SilverFish

woah! i would NOT ignore a comment like that to my kids! i don't know if you can really say anything to the other mom or to her kids, but i would definitely discuss it with your own kids..

When my niece was 3, she told her grandmother that her mom hit her when she didn't use the potty. It was a utter lie and laughed about a lot. Kids say stuff. You either know the parent well enough that you know the truth or you don't know them well and it's none of your business.

[cloe]

3 year olds may make a story about hitting, I would trust an 8 year olds account. I think even the law distinguishes the age of 7 and above as knowing the difference between right and wrong, truth and lie and consequence of an action. If you don't feel comfortable with talking to the woman then at least explain to your kids so they don't think it is normal in other houses, if not yours.

[Youngfrankenstein]

Originally Posted by cloe

3 year olds may make a story about hitting, I would trust an 8 year olds account..

I'm not disagreeing but I will say that my 9 year old would totally sensationalize an accout of something for the attention of it. If he says something that gets a raised eyebrow or attention, he often adds more stuff to it that's just not true. We have to call him on it all the time.

[RiverTam]

Exposing a child to domestic violence is a form of abuse and neglect. It's reportable to CPS in most states. It's extremely traumatic for kids to witness that.

And a guy that hits his wife is likely to abuse his kids.

[pixiekisses]

Originally Posted by ktmeyer

Then explain that pushing is NOT ok, and that although there are some husbands that push or hit their wives, (..)

Actually, there are some grown ups that push and hit their spouses. It's not just husbands that do that to their wives, there are wives that do that to their husbands as well. And spouses who aren't married, but live together with kids anyway.
That's why I'd say grown ups and spouses. Has nothing to do with gender, or being married.
(And I certainly don't want my kids to grow up thinking that it's only husbands who do that to their wives. I'd prefer they didn't have to know stuff like that at all, but you know, reality and all.)

[FnkyGreenMama]

Originally Posted by RiverTam

Exposing a child to domestic violence is a form of abuse and neglect. It's reportable to CPS in most states. It's extremely traumatic for kids to witness that.

And a guy that hits his wife is likely to abuse his kids.

Yes to this, and also that children can be harmed (or killed) even accidentally when caught in the middle of violence between adults at home. So if there is a possibility that this really happened, I would not ignore it. I would keep my ears open for more info and, given the right opportunity, I might even say something to the mother, like "Hey, your kid said this happened the other day. I know that sometimes kids make stuff up but if there's any chance that something like this is happening, I just want you to know that I am here to help or listen or whatever you need." And, if she did disclose anything, I would be supportive but also remind her of her duty to protect her children. But I am used to talking to parents about tough topics like this in my job to advocate for children, and I know it isn't an easy thing to do if you aren't comfortable with it.