comment- how would you handle this? - Page 2

[VisionaryMom]

We don't ignore discussions of domestic violence here. I grew up in a violent household, and I know how many people do ignore it because it's easier. I absolutely would talk to my children about it.

I'd also be very inclined to ask the mother if everything was okay. I doubt she'll admit to anything, but being in a violent house can feel so alone. Knowing that someone is aware is oddly helpful.

Of course if it wasn't something abusive, then she probably would rather know to talk to her child about it to clear things up. I'd hate to know someone assumed I was being abused because my child told a story that wasn't true.

[Wild Lupine]

Originally Posted by GalateaDunkel

If she went out of her way to tell a casual acquaintance that she has a perfect marriage she may be lying to compensate for the truth. That is a classic sign of abuse actually. Nobody has a perfect marriage so why would someone try to claim that? Then you have the kid reporting abuse... no way that's a coincidence. I really doubt it was "play wrestling".

If you want to consider getting involved, get to know the mom better.

She might really need a friend, and it may also be a situation that could be hard to be a witness to. (Or she could have a child who was mistaken with that one comment, but that wouldn't be my first assumption given the circumstances.)

Originally Posted by ktmeyer

I would not ignore it regarding my own children. They heard something shocking, and you need to acknoledge that, not just assume they will forget they heard it! I'd tell my kids, in a casual way, that you heard what so and so said about her dad pushing her mom. That the child may have been mistaken, and you hope so. Then explain that pushing is NOT ok, and that although there are some husbands that push or hit their wives, just like there are kids that hit other kids, it is not ok. No one deserves to be hit.

I think this is a valuable learning opportunity for your kids, for you to reinforce that they should never let anyone hit them.

And

I don't know if your kids play together outside the car pool, but maybe think twice before having the kids play at their house. Maybe have their kids over to your house or find a reason to visit with the kids before sending them there without you.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by BrandiRhoades

We don't ignore discussions of domestic violence here. I grew up in a violent household, and I know how many people do ignore it because it's easier. I absolutely would talk to my children about it.

I'd also be very inclined to ask the mother if everything was okay. I doubt she'll admit to anything, but being in a violent house can feel so alone. Knowing that someone is aware is oddly helpful.

Of course if it wasn't something abusive, then she probably would rather know to talk to her child about it to clear things up. I'd hate to know someone assumed I was being abused because my child told a story that wasn't true.

Just

"Are things okay, your son said your husband pushed you down?"

If things are fine, then knowing it looks violent to the kid could let her know that she needs to have a talk with him and tone things down.

If things are bad, then knowing that it's affecting her child could be the push she needs to leave if she'd been staying for "the good of the children" or whatever.

Regardless of what she says to *you* the information could help her.

[Wild Lupine]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

Just

"Are things okay, your son said your husband pushed you down?"

If things are fine, then knowing it looks violent to the kid could let her know that she needs to have a talk with him and tone things down.

If things are bad, then knowing that it's affecting her child could be the push she needs to leave if she'd been staying for "the good of the children" or whatever.

Regardless of what she says to *you* the information could help her.

Just wondering... I really don't have the expertise as to what's best... but could reporting back to the mother possibly cause problems for the child? Some families don't allow airing of the family secrets to others, and the OP really doesn't know her well at all, except that she either doesn't see or won't admit to any problems within the relationship. For some woman knowing their child's perspective can be a huge wake-up call, but is that always the outcome?

[Lilyoftheincas13]

Originally Posted by elmh23

I would ignore it unless your kids ask. And I would say nothing to the child or mother.

Originally Posted by lach

...And that hitting or pushing is never, every okay....

Isn't Softmama doing this already by modeling appropriate, nonviolent behavior in her own home?

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by onemomentatatime

Just wondering... I really don't have the expertise as to what's best... but could reporting back to the mother possibly cause problems for the child? Some families don't allow airing of the family secrets to others, and the OP really doesn't know her well at all, except that she either doesn't see or won't admit to any problems within the relationship. For some woman knowing their child's perspective can be a huge wake-up call, but is that always the outcome?

telling the mother what was said is probably ok - I would NEVER tell the father however, since allegedly he is the one abusing.

[Softmama]

thank you for all your replies.
I talked to my kids about it briefly while saying "I'm not sure if that happened or not, but if it did..." etc.
something about the way the child told the story, how excited he was about it, made me think it could possibly be made up or greatly exaggerated.
I will keep my eyes and ears open though and my kids don't play over there anyway, so I don't need to worry on that front.

[Anglyn]

I don't think you should ignore abuse if you know that it is occuring. Sigh. However, if the mom won't admit to it, what can you do? I was once in an abusive relationship and I also acted like everything was perfect because at the time (I was only 20) having anyone know would have been embarrassing and humiliating and there was just no way I would have admitted it. However, just be her friend, so that if and when she's ready to talk, she CAN! Be non judgmental about her dh, if she get defensive then she will shut down.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by onemomentatatime

Just wondering... I really don't have the expertise as to what's best... but could reporting back to the mother possibly cause problems for the child? Some families don't allow airing of the family secrets to others, and the OP really doesn't know her well at all, except that she either doesn't see or won't admit to any problems within the relationship. For some woman knowing their child's perspective can be a huge wake-up call, but is that always the outcome?

: OMG, good point, I had it in my head that the OP did know the woman well enough to know she wasn't that sort of scary.

[ChristyMarie]

Originally Posted by onemomentatatime

Just wondering... I really don't have the expertise as to what's best... but could reporting back to the mother possibly cause problems for the child? Some families don't allow airing of the family secrets to others, and the OP really doesn't know her well at all, except that she either doesn't see or won't admit to any problems within the relationship. For some woman knowing their child's perspective can be a huge wake-up call, but is that always the outcome?

I would also worry about this. I had a boyfriend in high school from a very violent, unhealthy home environment and if his parents had ever found out he said anything to anyone there would have been serious consequences for him.

I might be inclined to talk to a counselor at the school and see if they can talk to the child. Him not thinking it was odd that Dad pushed Mom makes me think the situation is status normal at his house and that maybe it extends beyond the adults fighting.