Any ideas on how to handle uncomfortable conversations?

[zippy_francis]

Ok so here is the situation:

We have friends/family over and when they leave my house is a disaster.

My dd's are 2 and 11 mo. Whenever we are done playing for the day I make them pick up their toys. Helping obviously with the bigger things. When I have people over though, my house goes from reasonable to disgusting in no time. I am cool with the kids playing and I realize several small children playing is going to lead to a huge mess. i.e. every SINGLE toy drug out, diassemble, and thrown everywhere. But I am lacking in being assertive in asking the parents/kids to help in cleaning up. Part of it is, I just say or well and do it after they leave. My DH cant stand it thought. He is like 'they can treat their house that way, but that is not how we treat ours' I totally agree but I just hate feeling confrontational about it so I let it slide. Is the best thing to do when our guests are leaving to invite them to help 'clean up'? And if that doesnt work, where do I go from there?

I try really hard to have my girls clean up when we leave other peoples house, I am not great at it but when I remember, I try to make them realize that it is kind to leave things as you found them. They dont destroy their toys at home, it is unacceptable at our house to mistreat your things or to leave huge messes. (for anyone, including mom and dad)

I would not be offended at all if a parent asked my children to help clean up, because like I said, usually I have forgotten, and I would want my kids to learn to be neat and pick up after themselves.

So is inviting the kids to help the best solution? And if that doesnt work should I have a talk with the parents? And how do you approach that conversation?

Any thoughts would be helpful!

[pauletoy]

When the parent's of the children start acting like or actually say that it is time for them to leave, say in a very sweet voice to all the children "Ok everybody, time to sing the clean up song" then start singing and encourage everyone to get involved as you model "cleaning up". It will help if you sing the song as your children clean up everyday that way they know what to do when they hear the song.

Clean up, Clean up, everybody everywhere. Clean up, Clean up, everybody do your share.


P.S. This is the one song I love that I learned from the purple dinosaur.

[tinuviel_k]

I would make clean-up part of the visiting routine.

When children come over to my house to play I make sure to remind everyone tha before they move on to a new activity the old one needs to be cleaned up first. I get down and help, and usually the other parent clues in and helps to. In fact, I've noticed that some of the parents are relieved: they probably wanted to help clean the mess but didn't feel comfortable initiating it at someone else's home.

For "end of the visit" cleaning I usually put on a special song I call the "Pick Up Song." I got the idea from preschool, and it works well. The kids know that when the Pick Up Song comes on it is time for everyone to scramble around cleaning up toys as fast as they can. It is usually really fun and people tend to enjoy it.

[JessBB]

Originally Posted by pauletoy

When the parent's of the children start acting like or actually say that it is time for them to leave, say in a very sweet voice to all the children "Ok everybody, time to sing the clean up song" then start singing and encourage everyone to get involved as you model "cleaning up". It will help if you sing the song as your children clean up everyday that way they know what to do when they hear the song.

Clean up, Clean up, everybody everywhere. Clean up, Clean up, everybody do your share.


P.S. This is the one song I love that I learned from the purple dinosaur.

This is exactly how we handle this. My bf and I have five under five between us and 90% of the time we all clean up when leaving one another's houses. Her house is immaculate, mine less so She and I take the lead but we make sure the littles do some work, too. And I am with you that it makes me CRAZY when playdates leave the house destroyed! So just get in there & lead by example

[betsyj]

probably wanted to help clean the mess but didn't feel comfortable initiating it at someone else's home.

I have a friend who is a litttle weird about this. She wants to handle the clean up because she feels everything has its place and guests don't know where that place is.

I like the PP's suggestions-good ways to break the ice and encourage clean up where appropriate.

[MJB]

Yeah, when my kids have friends over, I'll say, "Okay, it's almost time for X to go, time to clean up!"

[berry987]

I do the same thing as the PP. As the playdate starts to wind down, I get up and start picking up, ask my kids to help, and sing the clean up song. Usually the other parent/s pitch in and tell their kids to help, too. I've never actually asked anyone to help (I'd feel awkward doing that, too) and no one has ever missed the "hint" to clean up. My older boys are 5 and 3, so they are very able and (sometimes) willing to help and encourage their friends to help.

We do have two brothers who come over and are very messy (they come without their parents) and they just dump everything digging for particular toys and just DESTROY the playroom. So I've gotten to putting a few things away before they come that I know will just get dumped (like a bin of little action figures) or the miscellaneous Lego bin. There are more than enough other toys to play with, so I know they won't really notice.

[tbone_kneegrabber]

I usually just start cleaning up and then folks join in. But honestly I would rather clean up after they left for multiple reasons
1. By the time its time to go, ITS TIME TO GO
2. Our visits usually end around nap time so I would like folks to just leave so we can nap
3. We know where things go
4. Its awkward having someone who doesn't live with me clean up at my house (and I live with 7 adults and ds so you would think I would be used to having "other" people clean up)
5. Mess doesn't bother me, I would rather have a nice time visiting/playing whatever and deal with cleaning later.
6. As we start to clean, more/different toys always end up come out which leads to either an extended visit or meltdown at leaving!

[*bejeweled*]

Originally Posted by pauletoy

When the parent's of the children start acting like or actually say that it is time for them to leave, say in a very sweet voice to all the children "Ok everybody, time to sing the clean up song" then start singing and encourage everyone to get involved as you model "cleaning up". It will help if you sing the song as your children clean up everyday that way they know what to do when they hear the song.

Clean up, Clean up, everybody everywhere. Clean up, Clean up, everybody do your share.


P.S. This is the one song I love that I learned from the purple dinosaur.

. Great advice.

[dogretro]

Sometimes, yeah, I prefer to do the clean up myself. People always offer to help clean before they leave, though, so it is weird to me that none of the adults have said anything. If we are at another person's house & they don't want cleaning help, they just say nah, it'll get messed up later anyway, don't worry about it!

I agree w/ pps that if you want people who are not offering to help clean up after a playdate/group, announce that it is time to clean up. No one should be offended, it is courtesy. As pauletoy said, "Everybody do your share!" Lol, even my 1-yr-old knows this song by now!

[LionTigerBear]

When I am having a play date-- either as the host or the guest-- I automatically tend to pick up after the kids as they go-- so as soon as they seem to be done with a toy I start to put it away. We tend to trail the kids and stay with them and we don't let them get all of the toys out. We monitor their play and generally they only play with a few things at a time. Perhaps you could just supervise the kids' play a little more-- be more involved during the process?

[Porcelain Interior]

I see this as a the grown ups fault. The kids (little ones that don't really have the control or know any better) should not have access to an entire room of toys.

Tubs with locking lids (not really locking, but shut too firmly for a 1-3 year old to open) and things put up in closets helps.

Stuff with small parts, or games need to be put where the kids can't just help themselves.

Supervision too is key. If your own kids know the rules they can help prompt toy dumpers at a certain age. "We can only play with one tub of toys at a time, if you want to play cars we need to clean up the puzzles first."

Also planning something cool and having it out where they can just go wild with it can distract and keep them busy for a long time. A blanket fort- and then maybe put the train table inside it, or the legos etc and have that be the focus.

Also don't be afraid to say no to them playing in your child's bedroom. With very small kids under 4 I generally keep them out where the grownups are so I can sort of manage the chaos.

I never allow kids to have the run of my house- especially if there are more then 2 of the same age.

It's not mean, and it goes a long way towards the cleanup. 1-4 year olds aren't going to have the capability to pickup all the toys in your house- they may very well be able to dump them all out, but realistically won't be able to handle putting them back correctly. Prevention is key.

[Linda on the move]

I think it depends, too, on whether this was a grown up visit with kids in tow or a play date. The difference to me is that often by the time the grown ups are finished visiting, the kids are shot. Getting tired children to pick up at some body's else house is a little iffy, esp. if it is now past their bedtime or they skipped their nap so daddy could watch the big game with his buddies, or they skipped their nap so daddy could watch the big game with his friends.

On the other hand, playdates are planned around the kids' schedules so better behavoir, including picking up, can be expected.

It is not reasonable to expect small children to pick up at your house unless you START it and HELP with it. My kids were in middle school before their friends started pickup after themselves without being prompted.

[VisionaryMom]

Add us to the list who sing the "clean up" song. I think most kids know that song. There's no need to be confrontational at all, just assume everyone will help and start. Most people won't actively resist once you're cleaning up.

[daytripper75]

Growing up the rule at my house and other friends was "one toy at a time." We had to put away before we got anything new out. I think trying to combine that with a general announcement that it almost time for the guests to go and things need to be put away would do wonders.

[TiredX2]

Originally Posted by tbone_kneegrabber

I usually just start cleaning up and then folks join in. But honestly I would rather clean up after they left for multiple reasons
1. By the time its time to go, ITS TIME TO GO
2. Our visits usually end around nap time so I would like folks to just leave so we can nap
3. We know where things go
4. Its awkward having someone who doesn't live with me clean up at my house (and I live with 7 adults and ds so you would think I would be used to having "other" people clean up)
5. Mess doesn't bother me, I would rather have a nice time visiting/playing whatever and deal with cleaning later.
6. As we start to clean, more/different toys always end up come out which leads to either an extended visit or meltdown at leaving!

At my kids ages (8 &11) I have expected them to clean up for years, but when they were younger and their friends were younger it was just agreed upon by basically all my friends that it was often best to just. get. out. When you have two toddlers "helping" often the clean up takes longer as they follow their parent around making a bigger mess.

What do they do when you are at their house and start cleaning up? If they say, "No, you don't need to" or anything like that, I would assume that is what they are comfortable with. If they allow/encourage you to clean up I would probably expect reciprocation.

[sparklefairy]

In addition to the other suggestions, I suggest making fewer toys available.

[MamaChicken]

I would definately limit the number of toys available. My mom would have us put toys that were special or new in a bin or the top of our closet so they wouldn't get ruined.

After that, she would have us clean up every hour or so.

[lonegirl]

I think that if it is worrisome/bothersome to have so much stuff to clean....allow access to only a small amount of toys at a time. Perhaps each time they come rotate the toys so there are fresh ones each visit.
I would encourage my own child to tidy up and usually I find the other kids follow suit....even if not everything is cleaned up at least it isn't such a large task to undertake.

[Cascadian]

ITA with the above poster - only allow access to some toys, not all. I used to haul tubs of stuff into our mudroom and turn plastic drawers to the wall (!) when certain kids in particular came over.

A neighbour girl used to take absolute pleasure in emptying EVERYthing, like a tornado, to the point that I either had to say something or never have her over again. When she comes over now, I establish ground rules - if you play with it, it needs to be packed away, and no dumping of toys. I was really firm with her, and got, um, firmer a few times until she got it.