Any ideas on how to handle uncomfortable conversations? - Page 2

[ollyoxenfree]

I'm another who is in favour of encouraging the children to clean up as they played. If they were moving on from Lego to play a board game, I had them at least pick up the stray Lego bits off the floor and back into the bucket, and put their creations neatly on top. That way, if they wanted to play again, they could easily continue, but if they didn't, I just had to put the bucket away at the end of the playdate. Then if they were done with the board game and wanted a snack, we cleaned it up first.

Generally, at the end of the playdate, we didn't have to say anything. Since they were used to cleaning as they played, it was almost automatic that they would do a final clean-up before they left.

[HarperRose]

I have a tendency to not think about it. A close friend of mine used to just ask me, "Hey, can you get the kids to help clean up?" Oh. Duh. Of course!

She actually helped me remember to help others, just by asking.

Logically, it should just be automatic, but I have a neuro issue which affects my memory and I can be quite naive. I do miss the painfully obvious, at times. I am grateful for friends who just put it out there.

So just say something!

[LaLaLaLa]

I'd agree with making cleaning up just part of the routine. We're in a weekly playgroup that rotates houses, so we have a lot of experience both hosting a group of kids and also being a guest at others' houses. Everyone pitches in cleaning up when it's time to go.

At times in the past when I've hosted, I have said not to worry about the cleaning up, that I would do it after everyone was gone. One of my mom friends said that cleaning up was as much for her kids' benefit as it was for mine. It was important to her that her kids got the message that when they helped to create a mess, they needed to pick it up, especially at someone else's house. This made me feel a bit less awkward about it.

[butterfly_mommy]

Originally Posted by pauletoy

When the parent's of the children start acting like or actually say that it is time for them to leave, say in a very sweet voice to all the children "Ok everybody, time to sing the clean up song" then start singing and encourage everyone to get involved as you model "cleaning up". It will help if you sing the song as your children clean up everyday that way they know what to do when they hear the song.

Clean up, Clean up, everybody everywhere. Clean up, Clean up, everybody do your share.


P.S. This is the one song I love that I learned from the purple dinosaur.

This is what I do. Now DS will sing this song when he is finished with something and is cleaning up I also do this when we are at someones house too.

[Jenifer76]

Originally Posted by betsyj

I have a friend who is a litttle weird about this. She wants to handle the clean up because she feels everything has its place and guests don't know where that place is.

That is me. I have calmed down a bit but it frustrates me more to have to re-clean up after someone cleans up for me. And I don't want to nag them the whole time by directing where everything goes. So I just take care of it on my own. I don't mind when parents want their kids to put a few things away but I would rather handle the bigger mess myself. Probably not the best way to handle it.

[zippy_francis]

We dont really have a song, and thankfully have not had to deal with the 'purple dinosaur' as of yet. But I do explain about picking up and how it is important to keep things nice. Hey we are not rolling in cash, and even if we were, I want my kids to appreciate what they have and treat it nice. That includes, toys, clothes, their home/car, and themselves.
I realize my oldest DD is 2 so I expect her to do what is acceptable for a 2 year old and the same for kids who come and play.

The toy areas are monitored and I think a good idea is to just put away the items that are off limits. Like blocks or things with a zillion pieces, such as puzzles. I monitor coloring, crayons are in a lock tight tupperware container. I open it for them when they want to color and put it away when they are mistreating them or seem uninterested. (have the kiddos pick them up if they have starting tossing them on the floor)

I am kind of particular about putting stuff up, I like to put all pieces with proper toys instead of just randomly tossing into bins. So I can understand that side too, in some ways I would rather do somethings myself. But other things I dont mind the kids putting up, I have to let go of that anal part of my brain and let the kids clean up, instead of worrying that is put away the way I want it to.

Honestly where the cleaning up issue is most irritating is in the kitchen. I have kids dumping stuff and no one cleans it up. And yes the parent was either in there with them or had walked in there when something had occurred. I am busy watching my kids or handling a situation and so sometimes I dont realize I have dumped food all over the place till after people leave. That is what is so weird to me.

I get that there are toys going to be out. Heck it is not like every toy is put in its proper place all the time. I am ok with stuff hanging out. Obviously if it looks like a tornado I want help cleaning but a few things dont really matter. It is more like food and drinks dumped on the floor, counter, etc and no one does anything? I mean who wants their kitchen to look like that? I would in my mind clean up spills automatically if my kid were at someones house. That just seems like common sense to me. That is where it is harder to make people understand, and how do I have that conversation with out being rude or mean. I mean if they want to live like that, cool. I dont, besides it being gross, I dont want bugs in my house nor do I or my kids want to walk accross nasty food stuck to the floor.... YUCK!

[almama]

I completely agree with limiting toys, singing a clean-up song, and modeling behavior (at home and at friends).

If you think about it, when adults come over for whatever, we put out some food/stuff for them, signal when it is time to go, and be grateful for any clean-up (but do not expect it).

You'll be happier with a situation you can manage. You can also explain to the kids, that your rules are to put away toys after you are finished. I wouldn't hold visiting kids to that rule firmly though.

[mamazee]

We do the same as others, limit toys and sing the clean-up song before people go, so everyone cleans up. I didn't know that was from Barney even. LOL.

[zippy_francis]

Originally Posted by almama

I completely agree with limiting toys, singing a clean-up song, and modeling behavior (at home and at friends).

If you think about it, when adults come over for whatever, we put out some food/stuff for them, signal when it is time to go, and be grateful for any clean-up (but do not expect it).

You'll be happier with a situation you can manage. You can also explain to the kids, that your rules are to put away toys after you are finished. I wouldn't hold visiting kids to that rule firmly though.

I agree with most of what you said. However, having adults over and leaving food and such out for them is one thing. Of course I realize that when I have a party or whatever that there is going to be some clean up. But I dont think it appropriate to expect when an adult dumps food on the floor or spills a drink that they just walk away and leave it because they are a guest. I would like to think most adults would either clean it up themselves or at the very least alert you that there was an accident so either of us could get it taken care of. I would expect people to teach their kids the same. I would not find it ok that my kinds spill something on the floor at someones house and just leave it cause, 'hey they invited us to eat here'.

Even when I am at others houses for parties or playdates we pick up our stuff. I dont leave cups and plates just laying everywhere. I ask where the trash is and/or sink and deposit accordingly. Of course I am not going to offer to do the dishes or take out the trash, since I am invited over but I would at least have the courtesy to maintain my area. I would expect the same of others.

And in regards to pp, we do model such behavior at our house and for our kids. It isnt a thing that we do occasionally. It is consistent behavior whether we have guests or not. You pick up after yourself. So modeling for others may not always work. I mean if they never clean up themselves, why would they catch a clue because I modeled the behavior at my house?

[HollyBearsMom]

Originally Posted by almama

I completely agree with limiting toys, singing a clean-up song, and modeling behavior (at home and at friends).

If you think about it, when adults come over for whatever, we put out some food/stuff for them, signal when it is time to go, and be grateful for any clean-up (but do not expect it).

You'll be happier with a situation you can manage. You can also explain to the kids, that your rules are to put away toys after you are finished. I wouldn't hold visiting kids to that rule firmly though.

exactly.

I do not expect adults who I invite over to clean up, even for casual get togethers. If they offer to carry the dishes to the sink, great but no biggie if they don't. If we have all played a board game, Wii or watched a movie I am not all over them to put everything back themselves.

However my kids know to pick up after themselves. They also know the pain of trashing the playroom with friends and then being left alone to clean up the mess. So if it happens while the adults are downstairs and the kids are in the playroom they know to enlist their friends to help or be stuck with it later.

When we have company it is never "Ok, eveyone leave NOW". We (the adults) know when the evening is winding down and we lets the kids know too. One of us will call up to them "15 minutes guys" and I usually hear my son say "Oh man- look at all those legos! c'mon I'll race you". If I suspect the room is trashed I might call out "how's that room look?" and you'll hear the groans.

Of course he is 8 now so when he was younger we did the clean up together and talked about how its "easier with 4 hands", easier to "put away one before playing with another", etc.

Playdates are another matter. If my son has someone over to play I do remind them to pick up and I build time into the playdate so the friend(s) can help pick up any messes. Most our his friends folks do the same.

[pranamama]

I would include it with the invite, to please let me know 15 minutes before you are going to leave so we can get clean up accomplished then.

Sometimes my kids start playing with others and their room is already a mess so I wouldn't want the "guests" trying to clean it all up.

Other days I will hide the games/puzzles/small piece toys if I think they will just get dumped by a visitor.

One mom I knew was very organized and only let one tub (ie legos, lincoln logs etc ) out at a time. That worked very well on playdates.

[MaterPrimaePuellae]

[QUOTE=tbone_kneegrabber;14981468]I usually just start cleaning up and then folks join in. But honestly I would rather clean up after they left for multiple reasons
1. By the time its time to go, ITS TIME TO GO
2. Our visits usually end around nap time so I would like folks to just leave so we can nap
3. We know where things go
4. Its awkward having someone who doesn't live with me clean up at my house (and I live with 7 adults and ds so you would think I would be used to having "other" people clean up)
5. Mess doesn't bother me, I would rather have a nice time visiting/playing whatever and deal with cleaning later.
6. As we start to clean, more/different toys always end up come out which leads to either an extended visit or meltdown at leaving![/QUOTE]

ITA with all of that. Maybe it's just my DD, but even at 3 she is NO help with cleaning. She is very easily distracted. If I tell her, "Pick up the blocks," she starts picking up blocks and 30 seconds later is making a house for her doll, then changing the dolls diaper, then discovering that the doll needs a bottle, then wanting a snack herself... etc. Obviously, we're working on this at home, but there is no way, in the midst of disappointment of leaving a playdate, and w/ the excitment of "new" toys, that she would actually be a productive member of a clean-up team.... and if I tried to clean up, she'd be spending the whole time making new messes. It's not pretty, but it's my reality.

#5 especially is important to me. The only friend I really *do* playdates with is my friend first-- we're just glad our girls get along so that we can spend some time chatting. I'd much rather spend 20 minutes cleaning up after she leaves (and have her spend 20 minutes cleaning after I leave) than waste time that we could spend socializing.

Originally Posted by almama

I completely agree with limiting toys, singing a clean-up song, and modeling behavior (at home and at friends).

If you think about it, when adults come over for whatever, we put out some food/stuff for them, signal when it is time to go, and be grateful for any clean-up (but do not expect it).

You'll be happier with a situation you can manage. You can also explain to the kids, that your rules are to put away toys after you are finished. I wouldn't hold visiting kids to that rule firmly though.

I think this is a great point. If my DD makes some sort of huge, out-of-the-ordinary mess (spills her sippy, knocks over a whole box of toys, etc) I would clean it up, just like I would ask for a towel if I dropped a drink at a party. However, I wouldn't follow after her picking up every doll bib she drops, just like I wouldn't wash my own plate after eating at a party.

I can see why different people have differing opinions about this, though-- I think it's just important for people to be frank about their expectations and try to pair with moms who have similar expectations.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by HollyBearsMom

I do not expect adults who I invite over to clean up, even for casual get togethers. If they offer to carry the dishes to the sink, great but no biggie if they don't. If we have all played a board game, Wii or watched a movie I am not all over them to put everything back themselves.

The norm for adults in our circle of friends is what I think of as "damage control." Trash and dirty dishes generally find their way back to the kitchen and usually the dishwasher gets started after a meal, etc., but the family hosting is still going to have some work to do after the guests are gone.

To me, having the kids make a token effect to put a few things away seems like a nice habit, but to expect them to pick up everything and get it back where you usually keep it is like expecting the adults to vacuum and dust your living room before they go.

There's a happy medium. If you really expect your house to look like no body came over, then may be you really don't want to have people over. On the other hand, if they are really trashing place as if you have a maid, then may be they aren't good guests and you need some new friends. It's hard to say.

[IntuitiveJamie]

I vocalize for everyone to hear that it's time to clean up(and begin doing so) and as a previous poster mention we often sing the clean up song. I don't ask "can you help", so there is no uncomfortableness. I just do it. And if they don't get the hint. I say out loud to everyone. If we don't all help clean up then we won't be able to play over here anymore.
I think it's weird your friends and family don't offer to help, or just start cleaning up.